Verbal And Physical Relationships Part 2

This is Mike Swick from if not for God podcast our show stories of hopelessness turned and I hope your chosen Truth Network podcast is starting in just seconds.

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What an eye with a hearty welcome to worry we lucky enough to have missed James sore joints again this week. Last week we got into real deep discussion around physical and verbal abuse in relationships in this quite some eye-opening statistics right will exactly Roy it was it was eye-opening for sure and I hope that those who were listening or have listened to that particular podcast that you take some of things that we talked about the heart and please act on it. If you are find yourself in such a situation yet so Jane, one of the things that the walks in from the outside little bit not so much from the pastoral work growing up, not a mark not in my home seeing it on the external side with other families in the area just watching it at that point was just when we were growing up. It was more accepted I guess is the right word this today in that was wrong then wrong now but it's it's a really strange thing. It's as if the spouse feels like they have nowhere else to go and what you think that's a result of Jenny think it's an insecurity within the spouse or do you think it's manipulation by the dominant spouses doing the abuse that's got them convinced that they they can do no better.

What you think contributes to that Jane a lot of women who are in relationships were abused as a little girl and that's what they know and because that's what they're familiar with, but also because their self-esteem was pretty beat out of him as a kid and said they don't feel like they're worthy of a man that would treat them well.

So then let's say a relationship like I talked about last week starts out normally even think this is too good to be true. And then after marriage they split well oftentimes the warming keeps looking for this man at their dreams that they fell in love with and make keep holding on to. Maybe he'll come back and gradually their self-worth is beat down to the point where it bent. They don't have what they need to get out so sometimes situations like that Jane may go out and start looking for that person who they say well I want the person who married when we were, you know one or two years into our relationship.

I want that man back if the attempt to hold on. But if they don't get that then they may go out and now start looking for that particular man that they found in that relationship early on in their marriage which then creates a whole another set of problems right and I sweats will work if you didn't then it brings 1/3 party into an already bad situation which will most likely even in violence or death because the husband or the wife is now gotten extremely jealous and that physical attack goes outside the marriage to the other person right so James you were speaking there that come to mind was the importance we talk about the role of the husband and the role the father in think about this you were you are setting the stage for what your children are to expect in their marital your laying the groundwork so if they see you verbally abusing their mother or physically abusing their mother and let's flip it must make it even here are women if they see you abusing your husband that that's what they will come to expect as Jane has mentioned that will be the norm of what they expect in their relationship, so therefore that will be the relationships they end up with that emotional intelligence will be hardwired for them to be looking for that type of person and grow up and think they like control stick their partners start telling you like to do it.I yeah exactly.

So the collateral damage is generational is not just in the moment is foundational so absolutely I guess you US genuine sure you have talked about this before and will not, as well US is such an immediate gratification country that we don't think about long term vision like other countries do we have a very short vision we think about in the moment of next year, maybe five years and most of our work and in our personal life is a long term vision, but other countries think of long-term is generational impact and lay the groundwork today what is going look like 50 years from now was quick like 30 years that men and women's what we need to be doing for families were laying the groundwork for that generational impact 30 years down the road 50 years down the road and secular for generations. So now is the time to changed come back to God put Christ in the center of these relationships and if you're struggling in these type of environment and you love your spouse seek help. Even if it means separating for while that may be the healthiest thing from Jane. I'm sure you can concur.

Tell us what you think your but that maybe the healthiest thing and told the two individuals get healthy to come back together right. I like what you're saying when you have a lot relationship with Christ. Your surrendering control. It's like you realize your life is not manageable that what you're doing isn't working, and you surrender to him and when you give him control and the Holy Spirit takes and then the fruit of the spirit begins working in your life. You do good, new creation and not feedback in my marriage counseling man that thou the Meagan site map. I'm not the man I want a day.

God help me obscene total time so Christ really is the answer to this problem because he's the only one you can set us free. Absolutely. How many how many out of 10 people that you have counseling couples that you counsel that have actually had premarital counseling. Not many I can attest that I hike.

I can attest that to because I think that that is a lot of what we're missing because I think again as Roy stated here in America we want the immediate you know that we will not looking for anything long-term so a lot of couples feel like they don't believe that that they have everything quote unquote altogether. So I don't need anybody to tell me what I should be doing or shouldn't be doing going into my marriage relationship and I think that I in and of itself becomes a stumbling block for them because you know again.

Proverbs 16 to says all of the ways of a man are clean or perfect in his own eyes, but God always. The motive hee hee ways why you're doing what you're doing.

And of course he knows what led up to that so I think as we yet hedging will make it a great point.

Well no not go here if they had gone to premarital counseling. I talked about how and often times these relationships you think I like this is a dream come true.

But premarital counseling is going to dig into and the counselors can see things that you can't exactly and a lot of this could have been exposed and dealt with before you ever got married exactly if you don't go to premarital counseling you got those rose-colored glasses exactly as you summarize this the right Jane because because a lot of things. Each spouse they hide from each other so as to get their affection for them to say yes to the relationship so so it's I want to argue whatever it is that I think you need from me in order for me to show you that I care so much about you until they put the ring on and all of a sudden they go from, you know Dr. Jekyll to Mr. high throttle.

What exactly right does well in the. The moral of this point is that folks if you listen and you are unmarried and you're getting ready to get married and seek out premarital counseling is right. If your parents of children that are about to get married to an coach them to have premarital counseling because Jane have had the benefit of working through some of this together in the past and is quite amazing. The little things that can be coached through that will make of greatly improved relationship versus those little things that aren't coached through the can become huge huge roadblocks in the communication, which then leads to dissatisfaction in anger and all the other things come behind it so strongly encourage that absolutely Roy, I had 12 weeks of counseling 33 days a week for four hours each day, and why yes, that was before in your marriage in my marriage and I'm their party can marry and I remember well that ended that claimant and it was it was Jane. Trust me because at the end. At the end of the 12 weeks I remember my pastor telling me he said you know if I could talk you out of getting married. You don't need to be married because some of the things that he stated as you listen to the questions he was asking how you know if you if you get a job where you have to travel for example you going to be tempted. Women are going to come up to you Nana going to come up to your wife.

And so when you are part now that's going to show what type of strength, not that you have in each other, but as being a born-again believer. How much strength and faith putting in God for your relationship and that you want to be faithful to him and then he will show you how we come up on the break we come back TA WC MM would love to have you join their community of men for breakfast every first, third and fifth Friday of every month, Bible discussions and fellowship best breakfast in town meeting location is in their gracious host Church First Christian Church in Kernersville, 1130 N. Main St. in Kernersville.

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First time visitors eat for free. Join your host will Hardy and Roy Jones Junior I got talking about the I just kinda went into the commercial but I think the whole ideal is this is that we understand the importance first of all of up of the assurance of what you get when you go to Christian counseling and Christian counseling. I think it has its place, because what it does is it ensures that your relationship is built off of what the word of God says, and if each person in that relationship wife and the husband understand what their role is as a wife and a man understanding his role is as a husband, the way God intended it to be. I think that will start smoothing out a lot of issues that attempt to come in and divide the relationship.

Well, what premarital counselor don't want just going to meet with you for an hour to work great but somebody is really going to dictate into the Australasian J want to tell you that having gone through this process recently. Why don't you share a few things that premarital counseling clues like the personality things the love talk. I think that's not a great time for that photo that you did sit up on. Did you see pay close attention to what danger he talked about this this love talk because it's a great tool for anybody at any age at any point in their relations and you shouldn't be a shame if you're listening and you about to get married. Don't be ashamed to go and express you know feelings that you might have going into this relationship because it eventually is going to come out. If it's not going to come out early is going to come out in the middle or late in the relationship right I Jane is all right.

Well, premarital counseling is get people to share their life story said that you're very aware of the wounds in their life because it's all wounds that cause us to react on and if we don't know and understand is when we will understand our partner's that's where as a marriage counselor. The a lot of red lights when the other my story and I begin to see where their winded, and it helps me take him deeper thought.

The second thing that I do have them take personality That Lloyd was talking about so that they see the new my partner is I'm not the change. This is their DNA, they might be calm leaders they might be positive thing might be, but there personality is pretty not by the time your 25 and I your personality is going to be your personality and can they expect that in each other without trying to change the dinette going intimate their marriage.

There Mary, I'm not that they're not trying change that.

This is who God created them and then after that I will talk about.

Sorry I'm their anyway without love language and what your love language is so important to know that because you can give partner falcon thing. But if you're not speaking they are love language they won't kill a lot of time if you don't have premarital counseling don't have a clue what your partner leveling then I'll talk about communication and that's what will talk about communication is the it's the aorta to marriage. You can have towels and things that are different in your marriage but they won't even be an issue if you know how to communicate don't communicate well and you get a right wrong, I'm right, you're wrong, good or bad in in discussions you're going to go into negative overdrive and negativity create negativity create negativity.

50% of marriages end in divorce of the remaining 50%, 40% are miserable. So a lot of marriages end up there but if not you have time on the shadow but yeah, you learn how to communicate. Then you'll never have to go there and say that's probably one of the most important tools that premarital counseling can give you an edit might be worth our time to have a whole session around what good communication involves the white diving that would be great – yeah, let's plan on doing a few of the things that we do in premarital counseling. I could go on.

We meet. Make a budget. We talk about friends and family unit. We get about 10 major areas in marriage and make sure were on the same page you know and that's that's something to Jane when you when you touched on the budget. I'm I'm just blown away at the amount of households that don't have a budget and it doesn't matter how much you make see that that's what I think a lot of people they have within themselves that they have to make a certain amount in order. You know, do a budget but a budget is exactly it.

It determines what your what your spending what you're bringing in and whatever it is you have left over what you do with that.

So yeah I'm I'm just surprised that most house and will probably age it is really all of our finances. The man stopped the bath woman… We make a budget and that the ball that tells us what we can and cannot do. Exactly. Exactly. And I think what it does is it gives you know, the husband and the wife of verbal and nonverbal skews me a visual picture of exactly where the money's going and whether or not there being a good store of what God has given them right. Great going well and Jane in the in the marital conflict. How much of it was around finances.

When you are doing you would talk to us about some the abusive things, but how many times was we got to the root of the arguments and just normal marriage counseling was around finances.

A lot is around back finances. I think I do number two or three cause of divorce so it's up there and if you've got a budget you really work the budget then you're not a problem.

There and that goes back to this generational thing right so pants if you're right for not doing it, then it's good for you start doing and then you teach your children early on about a budget that transcends into their adulthood and then they carry it forward generationally changing, exactly, and we're not talking about the hidden budget either because we rewrite it and then there's folks who have the hidden budget. Yet it may have this little stash stashed away. That's income that should be coming in to the house contributing to all of the needs of the family members within that house, but you know that's that that hidden budget that's a killer right there. Well that's that's in integrity issues. Call what I did integrity issues that goes back to its either right or it's wrong. If you follow Christ and said I'll be right side from the side steps or missteps. We all make and have the stock occasional sinful actions that we do write well enough to raise an employee ready should be one of the number one characteristic you're looking for anything because it you're marrying somebody lie or let things or you next Wednesday. You cannot have a good marriage. You cannot say it is a intimacy killer. Yes, so I'm really glad you brought that up. We know it's this is interesting. I wants to come back to this thing about the communications will assist Mitchell get that scheduled with Jane and in the heart talking this was mentioned earlier is going to be amazing opportunity. But folks what it teaches you will come back another show with this is about mirroring back what you've heard with your spouse and so will the components that really values the conversation that you had with your spouse and it teaches you is the one who's listening how to make sure that you've understood everything that you just heard it's really a cool tool so will all come back to that another show because it to Jane's point will take some time. We don't hurry through it so back to the as were getting close on how much time we got here will have seen the clock lately. We can close on the two minute mark Jane. We had about two minutes. So what we'd like is give you just a free flow for something you would like our listeners to hear from you is a 40+ year marriage counselor individual counselor this if you had that moment you could speak to a large audience. What would your narrative be that you would like to leave them with well probably like to say if communication is not good. Marriage seek help there too way that couples can go bacon go right long-winded ladies I'm good at your back or they can seek to understand each other and that's what the tools apart talk to each like, it was talking about. If the couple has back down day whether the hardest storms but if you're going to go to. I'm right, you're wrong, I'm good your bad you're going nowhere you're going be in left 50% bitter divorce of all the think I could talk about is the fear that I do hope you guys will give me the opportunity to spend a whole lot session on just that. Yes that that men and women can know how to get a commitment to vice versa. Looking for that will labor hard talk shows and we thank you Roy, a man we know God is able to do exceedingly, in all. So when you hear us talk about subjects like this listener know that talking from the heart. We want you to succeed even in the worst possible situation giving you to that you can do giving you a number and we love you because God is love.

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