Are You Struggling in the "Caregiver Fog?"

Rosenberg post your glad to have you with us here again for another episode where talking about things relate to the family caregiver. Maybe you're taking care of an aging level maybe taking care of special needs child or of someone who's a big trauma maybe taking care of a veteran with mental illness. Somebody who has an alcohol addiction issue lots of different kinds of impairments where provided chronic impairment to gratify the caregiver today were to talk about the fog of caregivers you know what that is. The fog of caregivers fear obligation and guilt what I call the fog of caregivers to what you do when you get to a fog slowdown. You know that's kind of the. The big you could have big marker had different fog almost float Apple just slowdown and in the fog of caregivers seeking the fear obligation.

Guilt can lead to heartache, anger and turmoil, but that he insists fog hat fog had what was the big single for fog slow ride cc what I did there. Try to make it simple because for caregivers. We need those simple reminders when he gets pretty gnarly for us.

We can lose our minds. Now maybe you don't. I have an in doing so we pop all four will say things that we wish we had said two things we wish we had done and end up having to go back and make amends for things that are very painful and decently simple reminders that I've come to come up with for myself during my years, decades tell me my 35th year to caregiver things I can remind myself of how to function in that fog of caregivers is a very dangerous place for us.

We get disoriented we don't know were going to run run off a cliff right into a tree were to get hurt really hurt people we love saying things and doing things are behaving in a way that is destructive. This is what happens when you get lost in the fog and you don't slow down you can get really hurt and take everybody with so that fear obligation gilts talk about the love that we caregivers live often in the wreckage of our future.

My wife's AA 50 Bowflex yard phantom limb pain will is. It's a real phenomenon, you could feel the limb even if it's been amputated for years, in her case, decades and is still ill. Has that residual feeling. Therefore, her sometimes got a weird, well we caregivers have what I call a reverse phantom pain and we feel things that haven't even happened yet as we live in that fear and an end. That fear, it can compare losses in the present because were so worried about what could happen. It will be of new, but this with what we can do here know we live in the wreckage of our future hard live that way is we have to understand that is caregivers. There were a lot of different scenarios of this thing that can go wrong.

There are a lot of moving pieces at any given point. Every time we get behind the wheel of a car run the risk of something crazy.

We can't live in risk management and risk aversion 24 seven. Things are just going to happen and the question is can we have a sense of purpose in that of of recognizing okay it's going to happen. I'm not going to react to respond and I'll deal with that when it happens but right now I'm gonna deal with where I and and I remember one time during the surgery series of surgery that my wife that she said over 80 that I can count on the hundred doctors note. This is all been going on since a car wreck in 1983 were talkative of vast medical problem and I remember there this one surgery was a back surgery and the doctor came up to the room I was waiting in skillet.

We got a problem that you just take those kind of moments. So what is is that she's got an infection in her back that we know what to do with this. There is a protocol with but we gotta get a deal with us, which was good happen.

He said will organ have to keep her in the hospital here for you, up to three months looks like and but every other day or so were going to have to go in there and open her up and irrigate that out with saline solution. Get that stuff out of, she can't raise that more than 15° with two small children at home and I'm thinking now crap he hopes what he what you doing what you doing but I just looked at the wall exit I got any know how to respond as I can do this for three months and he put his hand on the shoulder. He said you know the records you can do it for 24 hours sufficient for the days is the word we have right now is quoting Matthew 634 tomorrow will take care of itself. That's how hot we had to live there.

That three months and many many times it's in effect, this really the only way to live when you're caregiver but it's hard to do so because what if questions come at you so hard and so fast that I would purpose that I'm to the live today to the Best Buy bill is about to get it right every time I go to make progress. It you can to know we live with a lot of fear this world of the Cova 90 what is good about this one good about this ego knows how this is going to play out new administrations work you know all the stuff going on with politics and so forth, that there's a lot of fear. There's a lot of fear were the things we can't live in the wreckage of our future were going to have to deal with.

Just today and respond accordingly not react, respond with a sense of purpose.

I will live today do the best I can with what I deal with today. Okay good obligation, fear, obligation, guilt usually an agreement that out just you know what I would caregiver 35 years of medical fear, obligation, guilt, obligation, uniting telling you deal with obligation as a caregiver.

We say words like I need to I have to I must, should be I am supposed to be. And those are hard behaviors and and belief systems to push back against what it occurred to me many years ago that this thing with my wife. I do this to her and I can't undo it. I am a steward of this I'm not obligated.

This is way beyond my pay grade. And for me to somehow put myself in that sense of obligation.

It implies some level of ownership in a punching above my weight class. I don't have that kind of ownership steward.

This thing belongs to God. This is in God's purview. This is not mine. I am powerless to fix this, but I'm not powerless to deal with things at hand and to be a good steward of me of my resources, my wife dealing with doctors and so forth and be a good steward of stewardship takes all the burden off of that ownership in that obligation not to you. What if you live in that obligation among moment. If you live in that obligation since of mentality. With that it that it has for you. It takes about that long to get to resentment. Some of you been doing this for long enough, you know that it doesn't take that long to become resentful and that's it. That's a terrible place to live that's that's a very burdensome place to live. So try shifting it to stewardship. So instead of fear were to live with purpose instead of obligation or deliver stewardship. The last one is guilt. Guilt poker man.

It is a hard thing for us to deal with guilt over over big sins they get great Presley those are guilt were the things it I get that no we all have things in our life that were guilty of and we should get guilty about what I've done, but other kinds of guilt about special-needs parents who feel guilty for bringing the child in the work done of feeling guilty that you can get up in stand up in the shower and they can't or you can go for a walk and they can't, feeling guilty for wanting to just watch an hours worth of TV without being interrupted. There's a lot of different things that come at us and make us feel like we were guilty of something. And in that place you give grace now married a woman named Grace. I think that is the most beautiful word of the English language. Grace and give yourself some grace. I think about somebody you know who serving as a caregiver, or if somebody was doing what you do and you you ran into somebody who does what you do every day is a caregiver, how would you treat them which you treated with compassion and graciousness.

Yeah but you not doing that to yourself.

Ari I know I get it I'm the same way. But here's the path that I'd be lying to you if I told you I got all the solutions because I don't what I've done is I've gone down the wrong road so many times I've learned a better way to do it is safer and healthier way. And now I have to reorient myself and say the same thing that I say to you have cited to myself. I can't get just love guilt myself change the things that I can ask for God's grace to change the things that I can't deal with the things that I can't and extend grace to myself, I found that when I extend grace to myself that it better equipped to extend grace to others to so grace purpose stewardship instead of that fog. Grace purpose stewardship GPS is a get the fog use a GPS orient yourself in time and space with something other than your own senses sell pilots do it themselves ship captains do it. Grace, purpose, stewardship, GPS were all but hit that fog of caregivers slow down, give yourself some grace.

Recognize that you purpose to live in the moment not out in the future, and that your steward you not owner this you didn't do this, you can't undo it.

Your steward of this you do the best that you can with the process, you find that you can live, healthier life as a caregiver, even while dealing with harsh realities that you get this right every time. If you do please call me. Let me know how you did it because I'd like to go but you can navigate to a place of safety better more effectively by just keeping the simple things in my gray goal is for us to not be happy in feel good about all the stuff the ghost be healthier healthier people help healthier people in the midst of this, and healthier caregivers make better caregivers.

So if you come across that fog of caregivers at fear, obligation, guilt, use that GPS. That grace, purpose, and stewardship slowdown. Navigate your way through this elusive. I good hope for the caregiver.com for more information on Peter Rosenberger. See next