Is Detachment Advisable?

This is Michael Carbone with the Truth Network were partnering with Bible league international on open the floodgates Bibles for Africa in many parts of countries like Kenya, Ghana, Tanzania and Mozambique as many as 9/10 Christians are denied God's word by corrupt governments majority religions in poverty and remoteness five dollars and the Bible. $100 since $2500 sends 100 call 800 yes word that's 800-937-9673 thank you for caring Rosenberg. This is show as a family cared to know what's going on with you for the 65 service character putting themselves vulnerable of one of the worst disaster. What is it look like to help family caregiver what you say. That's what the show is all about were glad that you're with us 877-655-6755 877-655-6755 if you will recall it were streaming the podcast live on social media or Facebook page and hope the caregiver on Facebook you can always glad to help for the caregiver.com to see all the other episodes we offer. I think we you have well over now 500 episodes of the show and various things we put out of the podcast.

We hope you'll take advantage of those things. It's a free podcast, so please take advantage of it and and listen today and find out more ways that you can grow stronger as a caregiver and help caregivers that you know grow stronger, detaching from the poor conduct of an impaired love one.

The problem remains one of the toughest challenges for us as caregivers and sometimes the behavioral issues stem from chronic pain maybe dementia maybe pharmaceuticals or fear. Maybe they're just having a bad day regardless of why that happens, we don't have to take it personally, even if it sounds personal, and sometimes it even may be personal, but we still don't have to take it that way if our self-worth stays tied to someone else's opinion then our emotional healthiness remains elusive. You are an extraordinary individual you created in the image of God, and amazingly you show up repeatedly consistently to care for impaired love one, although your loved one may pop off rate or say hurtful things it still important to remember, they are impaired on some level. If you attach personal value to a sickness pharmaceutical or the addiction, which doesn't make any sense.

This one of the things we spent a lot of time on the show. With that in my books and in our podcast. Everything else is how to help shore up the self-esteem of the caregiver so that when you're in those very vulnerable moments and you feel these things coming at you just feels like it is ripping you down.

We want to provide a way for you to get back up on to the path of safety were you know that you can stand firm and who you are as a person and that's what I really challenge myself and others to don't attach your self-worth to someone else's opinion number one and particularly impaired. Love one's opinion, particularly when pharmaceuticals or diagnosis of dementia or things or diction is involved in most cases like that. They're not doing it to you. They're just doing it, and you happen to be the closest one to the detaching from that doesn't mean severing that's amputation.

Okay that's different.

Detaching is is is.

It is a Tina lockets can unlock it, but is not amputating caregivers hearts can detach from the impairments of a level but it does take help for mental health professionals, clergy, trusted friends to help reinforce that step until you can you a little strong in the seer. Just remember that phrase not doing it to you just doing together always exceptions to the rule, but that is consistently playing out in the lives of so we caregivers were there taking these things into their heart they don't deserve to go there so the opening monologue the show today is for you to learn to detach from some of those things, particularly when impairment significant cognitive impairment is involved brought about pharmaceuticals disease or other issues so that you're not getting dragged into the impairments. Assessment of you and stayed healthy back it up in a good path of self-esteem for who you are, what you doing is a caregiver. That's today's opening monologue. Join me now in welcoming himself to God. That is just so delightful.

The lovely and the tall he is. John Butler, the Celt of my disability on account of my skill so you never get tired of that legion, of course, I don't know. I think that you met the new one today. You said a couple of really great things in there that's that I find to be valuable even outside of the context of being a caregiver is like wrapping ourselves up in the opinions of others can be a really dangerous path in its it's something that it's it's a seductive path. It's very easy is that Harry sticks with this assessment. It is a seductive path is absolutely welcoming. If you're surrounded with people who do admire you and do love you and and all of these things that can, I can reinforce that behavior that you spent your entire life while you know mom loves me. Dad loves me. My kids love me. That's when they enter an MA admire me that can just like you said reinforce those those reward pathways that we all you don't need bites can be deceived by and we we hear this all the time. That's true confidence comes from within. Now how to achieve that is different for everybody but that's that's that's I really enjoyed that.

That aspect of what you're talking about. Well thank you, muddling at. I do apologize for my voice. I've got a bad cold and course in the COBIT world you having a bad cold could be the sign of leprosy that well luckily you're about a 1820 Hour Dr. away from me when I understand you cannot get COBIT over the air, but I wanted to I heard something this weekend. I want to run this by you to I will spend some time on this and up to the break and maybe even beyond because it it plays into this thing that they're not doing it to you there just doing it. I would III lost a support group out here for caregivers that we meet on every week initiate we have just a lot of fun is a great group and in the little tablet we are and so I had a lively discussion with the group this week because we had a full moon. I had one of the participants worked at the Sheriff's office in years past, and every full moon. They got together and reinforced you know hey were going to be dealing with some crazy stuff this we can just be prepared of this week or whatever so full moon that night the strange statistic, but that does hold well at night.

I inquired further about it and in youth in the conversation led to well if you think about the moons affect on our tides on the water in this country in this world and this planet and how it affects the tides and what we made up were mostly water and in well at or said in Star Trek the next generation ugly bags of mostly water at the thank you that is exactly what we are mostly fluid and so if there's any type of gravitational pull, and it stands to reason if individuals have some type of issue going on that fluid and balances in their body could confected it's something to be considered and untouched, then virtually thought I was that it was more of a like you urban legend or old wives tale that we can, but obviously there's a real science to it. Yeah, you need to know exactly why it is.

It could be something like oh it's just lighter out at night and that means that stranger things can go on. Or maybe you've got some sleep as well or whatever it happens to be crime statistics absolutely do spike around Brown-Forman since it says about crime and and and drama relationship yeah and in caregivers it any test of something when you first opened up your conversation with that is that this applies across the board to more than just caregivers. Most of what we do that we talk about here on the show and beyond applies across the board. There is nothing that caregivers on a heart core level deal with that is not common to the human condition correct. We just deal with it on a often nuclear or nuclear puts 20 blessed by wife and I had the elect. I think I told you what other person is that this did I will want to tell you this nuclear was also the way the word nuclear was pronounced by DeForest Kelley okay: Georgia bones on Star Trek divisions and they just disappear. Rosenberg in a math 3 1/2 decades as a caregiver. I've spent my share of nights in the hospital sleeping and waiting room some foldout cot shares. Even the floor sometimes on sofas and a few times in the doghouse. But let's not talk about that as caregivers we have to sleep it uncomfortable places but we don't have to be miserable. We use pillows for my pillow.com. These things are great. They have a patented interlocking feel that adjusting your individual sleep needs and for caregivers trying to sleep in all the different places we have to sleep leave me our needs get ramped up significantly. Think about how clean your pillows are in the COBIT world were all fanatical about clean. Can you wash your pillows with my pillows for my pillow.com if we throw in the washer and dryer.

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She was in the studio just of this week and she's laying down some some new things and it was a lot of fun. We had a good tab in front of our skiff studio here in Montana, way out here in hinterlands, we still have all these recording equipment everything else in these from LA and he's got a great set up down there and it was just great to see Gracie in the studio again and so that was wonderful so we get more stuff coming and Jon, I wanted to circle back to our conversation with about this because this detachment issue that we we struggle with this caregivers because I think it's it we get to a point where it's all or nothing. As I was saying early with nuclear nuclear butter, but it's weekly, we tend to veto as caregivers we deal with everything we deal with this comment to the human condition is first our heart level and we do without a nuclear level, not nuclear nuclear level it's relentless symbol of us to get his yeah but in so we use that same word, we tend to go nuclear if there's a conflict and then just cut everything off just set on an amputation and that's not healthy either. And so, exactly and go back to what your tiptop but yes I went out I was talking about that sort of thing about you and it really goes back to what we talk about. Yes, take care of yourself for a particular else I may not before, but you have to do it at least concurrently.

And you know I mentioned a couple of things about the power of no and which is a complete sentence. It is a complete sentence no is a complete sentence and it doesn't need to be. I think it's a wrap that up with the not amputating with not know and and and especially not amputating part of your your own soul when you're doing this.

Yes, we try to reason. Three things to to make sure that we can we cannot like you know that were not. I know I'm not. Sounds bad, I gotta tell this guy know that I can help him right now. Or that what he's asking for is not going to help him.

That's kind of where I was going for that. It's not about an amputation. It's not about absolutely cutting off someone from your life or especially a part of your your own kindness or your own your own particular beauty that it is really just a lens through which you can look at things and make sure that your your utilizing those very important gifts that you have the most effective way with a little run this quote by you.

This these two sentences. By that I heard and I think they're applicable here because you test you test on that with the word no and here's here's something to a friend posited out to me to ask yourself in the situation can I say yes without feeling resentful.

Can I say no without feeling guilty yeah and that things that's where that's where it hits for this because I want I want to see yes to something I would agree to something but I don't resent having to do it. That's the obligation that we talk about in the fog of caregivers fear obligation guilt right but if I say no. I would feel guilty but either I'm saying no because it is not good stewardship of the and that's what you're talking about when you said taking care of herself at least do it concurrently were being good stewards of me and want to understand the concept of stewardship. It's a much different term than just I got to I have to I need to. I must yeah yeah and it's like if if let's say you're right.

Let's say you are the steward of a public park or something like that. I know it's a weird example bites their operating hours. Yeah, there's operating hours are weird guy. Yeah a gadget but that was something like that doesn't matter what, but that you can't that you stop drinking it take you to sit when you start save all of the like.

There you know there are operating hours we tell people know you can't. Later, here I note that you are 10. It's a very good example because it takes it takes it out of the caregiving voting puts it is something we all have a frame of reference for the gates close and dark you can go in its I'm sorry it's not personal issues.

We have to be good stewards of the park in the yada yada yada. Now if I will.

I I was I was having a conversation with someone online that was, time based deal recently and they were monopolizing the conversation with a lot of other people that really were. They were they were taking they they thought something was unfair and I was trying to deal with it with them, but they they were really taking a lot of time away from everybody else you know what, let's take this to a private message will deal with us here in second and and it was I was basically running as a model now at hand and say, look, we can't we can't be with us right now I'm it's it's nothing personal but it's not fair to everybody else either little bit in classrooms teachers to see me after class about that exactly yeah yeah great see me after class about that Bill and Steve and it's not. It's not that I'm not that I'm invalidating what you had to say is just that it cannot monopolize the purpose that were here for right now and I think this is the situation we as caregivers get into is that is not that we don't care about what you're saying but I must attend this issue.

First, I have to I have to keep the main thing the main thing and you know in it and so I'm not saying no to you out of a sense of rejecting you.

But I'm detaching from that so that I can focus on this good good call. I really do like the metaphor of seeming after class that is exactly what is going for like a will and I would love to. I would love to say that this shows good tell everybody had to be better at caregiving, but that's not the goal here.

I cannot go through all the nuances of caregiving in every situation and provide some kind of roadmap to how to do this when you have a loved one who has Alzheimer's or when you have love, what is this whatever the point is is that how do we stay healthier as caregivers. That is the roadmap that we need folk that I'm focusing on, and I'm encouraging my fellow caregivers to focus on his will is that here's the roadmap to healthiness for us and healthiness is learning to detach without feeling guilty about it without severing the relationship and that applies across the board in every situation and nowhere more graphically.

I think that when you deal with addiction issues with alcohol is because then you have to separate from this, however painful it is and sometimes you bite your tongue and learn to like the taste of blood that however painful as you had to separate from this destructive pattern if somebody is driving down the wrong side of the interstate you get out of the car. Even if you have to tuck and roll. You know, because that's a dangerous place very dangerous place now, you may end up main and and that's that's detaching but you're not severing the relationship you just attach because you gotta be good steward of you and that's the message I wanted to lead today with my fellow caregivers is that you know it is okay to say no, you don't have to feel guilty when you do should be the steward of John is always your Great American dream like so much a part of the show today will see you next time help caregivers make better caregivers.

This is.com. This is John Butler and I produce hope for the caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie and recently Peter talk to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen Gracie. When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach. Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by core civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and arms everything when you see all this. What is the duty makes me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to me like someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out course meeting in the hospital so much and so long and so these men are so glad that they get to be doing as as one man said something good family with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled now had no idea and I thought a peg leg.

I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex feet.

The legs and all that. I never thought about that as you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people.

Now walk there, providing the means for the supplies to get over there.

What is it do to you. Just on the heart level.

I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here Denise go to Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them.

I I feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs. The core civic offers. I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate of the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one are.

It is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't happen and I think that says so much that has anything to do with me just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well groomed.

You've donated some of your own for them to do, how to how they do that please go to standing with hope.com/recycle staining with hope.com/recycle. Thanks Grace