"Caregiving Brought Me to The Well."

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This is the show for you as a family caregiver hope for the kingdom that conviction we as caregivers can live a calm or healthier in there. I saved more joyful life work ledge with us. As always, I'm joined by himself bear the board so sound, the Earl of engineering. The man who is just a delight to millions. John Butler, the count of mighty disco that the account of my skill Hall may not tell people not to like 5 foot seven John, I got I got a book in the mail this week and I didn't been consumed with it is I get a lot of books I got I got logbooks of people me to read and come on the show so forth.

But this part hardcover paperback digital. This is hardcover, which I like best is Richard Louis he is and allow people to know who years.

He's anchor over MSNBC and NBC been there for journalism 30 years and while I get a lot of books because of the nature of what we do for caregivers. This one just stood out and it's called enough about me, which is something I've never said just. But if the unexpected power of selflessness and and so I wanted Richard, I'm so thank you for being a part of the show today. Richard welcome the show and am glad to have you with us this been a real delight for me to read this Richard father John is like mine, a Presbyterian minister were both okay. Percy Mrs. Gibbs and what is out as I read this book, Richard. I first off, the way you write is spectacular and not let me explain it. Let me explain you, you write this as a journalist that is connecting dots seeing drama and stories that other people may miss and then taking the time to just cut unpack and why is this important and in its and it's so it's it just flows.

It is such a good book and I can't recommend this enough and so but but it's all framed in a very difficult event that happened with you and your father so just on just jump into that and just unfold it for us and how this came about one thing that I know that a lot of your conversations around and for me the book which is enough about me in the unexpected power selflessness was really I think seven or eight years in the making. When my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's will be lost.

Richard but will getting back in a minute and I will fill in the gaps there. Richard father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Richard thought he was going to have to quit work. Stop being a journalist and he went to his boss to have that conversation and he said look, I gotta take a step back and in his boss said hey guess what I'm doing with the same thing with my family and I understand it, we got a different plan here so do we. Getting back in. I think we got them back.

I that's okay we filled in the gaps because I told that you went to your boss and say look I got a step back because of this unexpected event with my father and your boss's response was was, not what you expected.

Sir, I thought she was say to me.

We like a lot Richard were good friends but our background whole you know you have in a day a week job, so let's figure out how we can get it. Maybe in another time in our lives instead, she met my later name she said guess what I am a long-distance caregiver to and I want to figure out how we can make this work for your associate. We came up with for solutions in an now six years and I've been flying from New York to San Francisco maybe two or three times except drink over two or three times a month to help with my mom Karen for my father and now caring for my mother so it's it was it was really a surprising thing that happened the beginning of trying to understand.

I get the big idea about the book.

Well it is and in one of the things I like about where you go with this new start introducing this concept people. Some people think okay in order for me to be selfless, I gotta be like Mother Teresa, I gotta be this way, but I'm not if I'm not like Mother Teresa that I'm to be this way that you refer to just being binary.

It's either this or that and you say no elders and I love what you said. There's what is theirs a lot more recipes a lot more meals of this particular potluck of what had you forgot you phrased it at exactly what I said that is a lot more than two dishes at the cook yet and that was great as it potluck because of of the South, so I can't help but that is a great way to see the dish there's more flavor here going on the what we think an instant talk a little bit like growing up. It was for me not auditing a pastor I thought I saw things as you know you are either all the way in your work and it also it growing up in a well kind of knew that in in our younger years where we think absolutes and smiled thinking of this idea of you know what selflessness might be or taking care of other people I had Artie reached a stage where I had understood things can people can't be absolute hundred percent. We can't be mother Theresa that we can be Desmond Tutu. Just like Desmond Tutu and mother Theresa probably weren't even those ideals themselves but what they were is an certain parts of their lives really amazing and so the idea is, even though like talking right now Peter, John and myself theirs and I'm being selfish because I like to talk about myself an awful lot in and when I came to terms with earlier and in process and try to understand how to talk about the topic of selflessness is that it's okay if so longer than 51% or above in the good side of it because I'm never going to be perfect. I never to be the 151% on the good side I'm pushing the ball forward and it makes me make more decisions that are constructive and I guide by making more decisions. I'm doing more and by doing more and building more muscles that my 51s become 53 XTs. Hopefully and more frequent late do that and I get muscle tone, which I say in the book so that when the big thing happens that potential. You know Desmond Tutu I Mother Teresa moment I got the muscles that could jump to be able to to do better at it.

Will Fox is one of Michael J Fox is a great quote he said your perfection is God's business excellence is ours and I've always held… That is really good out in and Salvador Dali said, have no fear perfection, for you shall never achieve. It's so and I look at that for fellow caregivers and this is what intercourse this conversation came to you in a caregiving frame in and so I look at my fellow caregivers myself and there's some days that we are extraordinarily selfless and in their other days when were struggling like were were drowning victim and we gotta survive at all costs no matter who we take them with us. You can try to save ourselves and that tension is so real for so many of us is is caregivers in you references that I will actually quote this from this is about your mother and you said when I get the glasses on this getting old really is not for everything he says in the brochure when with others, to the detriment of our own well-being.

Researchers call this behavior. Unmitigated selflessness that happened to my mom though she is far from alone in this regard. You and I would agree with all of that talk about that with you mother if you don't mind, I called the screen because we were trying to support my mother and her caregiving of my father and I'm in New York. My sister is now a mother and father Cisco and you know you when when used.

You have a situation the bumps in the night are a fall or slip or noisier there, you can immediately ascertain what is that what does it mean, that's all. And I would come to terms with good health care for my father. I'd stay overnight on the couch and I done so for five years and so that I could know and hear what was happening and when I could be there. You know it's the concern that all caregivers have so we did. Reinstalled some cloud cameras and so we would look on the cameras that support the caregiving.

Like I right now. Watch my mother twice a week if I can as she recovers from falling recently herself. And so that's kind of, as you know, in the community.

As you talk about it hurt her for so long that that's very helpful but I saw my mom screen in a at one point my father and it was in the screen only of frustration. It was a scream of help. It was a scream of pain and I knew she was calling out for help, and that is when I realized okay. We gotta really get in there because mom is never gonna tell us that she is going through it.

She is not listening. I let her know later on the fact that chapter.

I carved out like I showed it to her because the publishers were saying Richard. We just want to make sure that you know we autopsied her fingers static between your mom, but just for legal reasons.

Can you showed your mom get the A-OK right just for prime time is the Lord the lawyer said that's right so I told my shorts. My mom said that's fine and in the reasoning she understands is mama tried to other people thinking they can give too much there that unmitigated selflessness is a real cost us in the caregiving space but we can do that in relationships. We can do that with with friends we can do that in in helping people at at the charity shrimp were involved in and that's why in the in that chapter you as you see there Peter, there is a is a test or quiz that you can score yourself to see if you are on that line because there is a primal regatta. As you know we got it. We gotta take care of ourselves.

That doesn't mean you're being selfish in a bad way, being selfish and the good way so you can help the other person just like the videos are the plane that pop down and say your oxygen mask on herself so you can help somebody else thought the same idea what is in and I refer to the stewardship, which is the word you both of us being pristine mistresses. We understand that work but that is a lot is lost on so many in our country. The word stewardship. It's almost an archaic word but it's a very important word to assist caregivers and there is a stewardship of this idea that you as you open this book up to people and that this is what caught my eye on. This is because you're not writing this is a caregiving book in so many the books that are sent to me or about caregiving task and I am just convinced that the real issue is the caregivers heart and how do we settle that down little bit and ended one of the things it.

I've also helped been helped by his learning vocabulary. I speak fluent caregivers now after 35 years and I want to help as many people learn to speak that language because that's how we can actually address these needs is a lot of pivot just to hand a few more minutes I have with you to talk about the three lunches because I think out this this principle then takes it from being dealing with Alzheimer's or dealing with trauma or disease. Whatever and then goes directly to the soul level in and out of wanted you to spend as much time with is you need to on this concept that you did. Yeah caregiving is what brought me to the well to understand the idea that well out what it means to think of others right and to care for others. I did not think my dad lacking all way to the bank if you will, the pastor, he could be there, you can't talk right now, but he could be smiling and laughing say I got to write that book Richard state say they could be doing that you know being at that that that that that well, if you will show that I needed to think about how I can think about is better people even the ones that I think I would never ever hang out with in the three lunches and we we look a lot of science behind behind all of the efforts and statements we make.

We we did treat it like a self-help book by looking at some aside for 400 you want to bet that to improve the anti-self self-help book mantra in one of those things, and of the studies you looked at was at at Stanford.

They done a study of those who did not get along because of racial background. They had prejudice against other people of different backgrounds and what they did is they looked at hundreds of pairings of people I don't like you because you are of Asian descent. I don't like you because you are Latino are your white. Whatever the case may be, or your black whatever the case may be in a paradigm up and then they had them meet three times what you launch a coffee you know discussion in a bad you get more than just hello and after before that they measure the cortisol level, which is the stress hormone that measured the dopamine at the oxytocin were survey happiness chemicals in the body and that all qualitative measures show that they really were shown prejudicing at each other after the three lunches that the three coffees that measurement want to just above zero just about and so we gotta think that chapter is called three lunches is the reality of what we can do once we understand the that the need to think outside of ourselves is to stretch a little push herself be uncomfortable to tune in and can't being uncomfortable is about is about being a bit selfless because it is selfish and I'm always comfortable knocking to get out of my comfort zone and that study out of Stanford showed it pays off. It pays off big time in and I really have appreciated the way you've gone about this and it all again team to you through the the packaging of caregiving. I have a month my Saturday show. I do it alive: show and it's in its very much color driven and in the first thing I ask is every characters. How are you feeling yeah I want I want to learn to speak in their own voice and in a place where they feel comfortable sharing how they're feeling well, which is taking this into a whole another level here of building bridges you know it. Can you hang on to the break you. But I wouldn't take a quick break.

You were talking with Richard Louis. He is well known 30 years in journalism, NBC and MSNBC anchor worldwide is of the stuff he's done in his life is just extraordinary. I hope you go take a look at his website. Richard Louis.com ill UI.com and his book.

I got it right here it is. Enough about me. The unexpected power of selflessness wherever books are sold. Talk a little bit more would come back. This is Peter Rosenberg… Hope caregiving, though. Have you ever struggled to trust God when healthy things happen to you. I'm Gracie Rosenberger, 1983 I experienced a horrific car accident leading 80 surgeries in both legs and became questioned why God allowed something so brutal to happen to me.

But over time I questions changed and I discovered courage to trust God that understanding along with an appreciation for quality prosthetic limbs led me to establish standing with help more than a dozen years we been working with the government of Ghana and West Africa, equipping and training local workers to build and maintain quality prosthetic limbs for their own people on a regular basis. We purchased ship equipment and supplies and with the help of inmates in a Tennessee prison. We also recycle parts from donated limbs of death is to point others to Christ.

The source and my help and strength these visit standing with help.com to learn more and participate in lifting others standing without.com. I'm Gracie. I am staining with help is about caregivers hosted by caregiver and that by the way, is my wife Gracie with breast half of her city resilient and you get a copy that you would like to hope for the caregivers.calm.

Just follow the prompts here. Whatever you want do to help push this Joe forward will send you a copy of her CD, and I think you'll love it tremendously were talk with Richard Louis.

He is the author of the new book and it is a I cannot recommend this book enough. This is called enough about me. The unexpected power of selflessness and you and I know it seems like it's a bit of a paradox of these adhered promoting the book about self-esteem, but this is this is that this is one of those messages that come from the soul level, where there was a moment of discovery of the beauty and joy of life in the midst of whatever and and I think sometimes we are so consumed with making sure that everything gets in looks nice and tidy around us and then we can be okay, and Richard discovered what what so many heroes of ours along the way discovered that there is beauty in joint in the midst of whatever and some the most wonderful moments of grace you have ever had as a couple have been in the hospital and and so I just cannot wait to get them.

I can wait to get the show today.

I was so excited and I was so glad to have him commence Richard when you when you when the reader finishes this book.

What are your hopes, that reader will will be able to do and feel and inexperience in think what are some the things that you would like to see the impact on that reader.

You will so articulated that joy despite difficulty that an opportunity to learn something new and and and really energize you and you talked about you and Gracie being in places that people might think are always not so so uplifting and you know for me I have a similar example, my father went he could no longer walk or talk or eat yetis. You know now has to use a stomach to and that I wonder whether he was still there, there I am in his care community and I took out the amplifier which is just basically a headphones with a microphone on it and I said hey dad, are you there and if you are can you blink once and of course my heartburn was hoping he would blank, but knew that he hadn't spoken and the cat walked in he had eaten through his mouth orally and in months and two seconds went by and then he blinked along intentional wants and then I was like oh my, what lab whether this and I said okay.

I hate to be that that vein selfie guy dumpling out my phone, asking him again and I want to share this with my siblings and my mom and I said again I said hey dad, this is your son Richard if you recognize me blink once and paused and he gave me a long blank again and I gotta tell you, Peter, when you can find those moments that you learn that they are good moment there alone there moments that are so educational so I like see a lot more behind what is folks for head now right and in the night and I'm every time we find that join difficulty, we become better empathetic beings we see more we ask better questions. We listen better like you were asking how you feeling. It is your typical question. I want people asking that I stop and I really try to answer when I asked that question. I really try to listen and so if folks recuperate to read the book is to find that joy despite the difficulty in and see what what can be taken home and and can be used at home more often with accident and is it would not surprise you, Richard, that a lot of times when I asked that question folks they start rattling off their loved ones tartly start speaking in third person singular person and I have to stop them and go back and say now tell me help I asked about you and me and that's when the stuttering in the stammering and the tears come because they're not used to speaking in their own voice, but I have found such richness and beauty. Enjoy and deep meaning and hearing people learn to cycle their own voice and I had to learn I had learned painfully and I we we lose our identity in someone else's journey and and and I and I love the way you've written this because you've written this like a a like a trusted journalist like you pulled out all the journalism school techniques and education and everything that you had and he said I'm going to write a book and I want to tell a story and you bring in all these different different stories in the one particular one down the park when shooting, and so forth. With that young man, Peter was an really billing it took to to a powerful place and in you've done a great job where it was the best way for PO John Bagley John jumping real quick is willing to listen. John said he wanted to say something recalls are a lot of age out of the flow is too good morning Arad understood. I really enjoy the way you spoke about having the muscle tone for this and the idea of muscle memory is is just amazing thing to me but to apply it to. I can I can ethical framework on empathetic work like we have to have that that muscle tone for empathy or for our own ethical choices so right when the big thing comes up where were down for you now and I was asked again kiss good way of putting it, that the first healthcare workers and what they did. Why was I taught them on TV. They were in their cars and they were scared and they were angry and frustrated and crying and when they do after they finish that interview and went right back inside the hospital to help people and I had always asked myself there. Running into the fire every day that because before coded. They did that every day so there was no doubt that they want to come and help me and other people that if we were to get coded to do that. That's a really great example muscle tone because they they are built to help people in our sickness will in our self absorbed the media's a mess you've referred to in the book culture we have yet to see is is not accidental, it's intentional, and in that something that it is going to be awkward at first but it starts with listening this well of the hopeful about the three lunches just if you will sit down and listen to people and spend time with them and you find you don't want. We really don't have that much different.

There's not that many dental things about us in and I learned about the caregivers you know yeah and and and caregivers. There's its spirit was no respecter of race, religion, country anything you you either are a caregiver you would be a caregiving or you need a caregiver, and in it is just one of the things that it unites us all in that journey of putting ourselves between the vulnerable level and even worse disaster, richer people want to find out more about you what's the best place to go. They can check check out my Instagram or social platforms and also check up box at the places you indicated and would love to hear from you. He's got a place to do to connect with them and please do Richard Louis.com L UI Richard Louis.com in the book is called enough about me unexpected power of selflessness. This is a powerful book, it will make a great gift. After you've read it, get it for somebody else you know what a teacher, a pastor, counselor, somebody in your life that you know there's doing this they will benefit greatly from this book, Richard Richard blessed me with. I really enjoyed Richard to thank you and thank you for being a part of the show.

I will see you next week.

This is hope for the caregiver, hope for the caregiver.thanks so much for doing this is John Butler and I produce hope for the caregiver with Peter Rosenberger. Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie and recently Peter talk to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey. Take a listen Gracie.

When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach. Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by core civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and arms everything when you see all this. What do you make me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to be locked someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out course, meaning the hospital so much and so long and so that these men are so glad that they get to be doing as as one man said something good family with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled now had no idea and I thought a peg leg. I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon lags and flanks the sea legs and all that. I never thought about that as you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people.

Now walk there, providing the means for the supplies to get over there. What is it do to you. Just on the heart level. I wish I could explain to the world.

What I see in here and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here Denise go to Africa with that.

I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them.

II feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs. The core civic offers. I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate at the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know that this one are. It is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't happen and I think that says so much that has anything to do with me just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people.

If people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well groomed. You've donated some of your own for them to have it out of the do that please go to standing with hope.com/recycle staining with hope.com/recycle. Thanks Grace