How to Build Resilience in Your Child (Part 2 of 2)

Your child or they behave as if they believe that stupid him never amount to anything. I lost child.

They don't love me as much the first thing out of her mouth is. Maybe I'm so sorry I'm so sorry that way. I'm so sorry because that's got hurt your heart how can I help you Dr. Kathy Cook and she's here with us again on Focus on the Family with Jim Daly. Thanks for joining us on John John. I'm really thrilled to have Kathy back with us today and last time we talked about what resilience looks like for children and how we as parents can nurture that in kids and so important. We also talked about what's important to work challenges and struggles, and to allow them to struggle is the key point if you missed any part of it. I hope you'll go back and listen to it online.

It's at the website you can get your smart phone app for focus and get that when but the point is get it listen to it because I think it is one of those programs. I just felt so engaged on because it was speaking to my heart is apparent. Like so many of us today.

How do we get an a on our report card is inherent in this is one of the ways to do it. Being mindful about building resiliency and your children and Dr. Kathy Cook is with us again.

You can hear her heart for kids. When she speaks, all make note that you'll hear. Also, the effects of a long protracted speaking engagement that is affected Kathy's voice a little bit. You'll hear a little bit of fun. Is there a Dr. Kathy is a passionate champion for kids. She is the founder and president of celebrate kids and she speaks to parents and educators, and children themselves, and her latest book is called resilient kids raising them to embrace life with confidence and will encourage you to get a copy from us here at Focus on the Family. The link is in the show notes or give us a call. Kathy welcome back to focus. Thank you so much and glad to be here is great to have your last time and I hope parents again if they missed the pick it up. But let's, for the benefit of those joining us for the first time today.

What's the recap of what resilience looks like and why it's such an important characteristic to intentionally build into your kids right yes great way to start. Resiliency is choosing to recover readily from trauma, disappointment, discouragement, fear, grief, anything that's gone wrong and it starts as a choice becomes an ability and then becomes a part of her character's appearance. Overprotective children don't allow them to risk and learn from struggle. They may never mature, they may never learn as much. They may never develop into really got intended to be because they're fearful and wanted to live fearfully wanted to live with this abundant confidence you have, Kathy, one thing we did get to last time, but I want to cover right at the top here is this idea is apparent when you're trying to correct your kids. You gotta really know the temperament and style of your child so that I think with one of my kids you know he's a bit more bullheaded so I could be straight with them and say hey you got to do better at that Bob Loblaw and he would say, all right, I get it done.

Thanks. My other one more more sensitive if I were to say that it hits right in his worthlessness of value suspected that well is such good point right to know our children to study our children to make sure that we are not. You heard each child individually and that we honor them and that I let you my appearance of evidence is really huge. I'm disappointed because because it is a very powerful word.

I'm really thrilled with your choices because I'm disappointed with your choice because in that gym with kids like your son is more sensitive to specific language was your choice to be lazy. You chose to be lazy though I was just know you chose all behavior starts with choice, so you chose to be lazy.

You chose to not ask for help. You chose to just be flippant not proofread you in practice or kicking in the backyard so your sockets out and go as well. That's on you said I am disappointed because you're capable of so much more.

So we need to be on Gary's hazard because because so we need to be specific and we need to give them that reason that I think is often to come from our heart. I love you and parents say in our family we do things this way and not yet widely have a family.

Why got it in the family, missions and values from this family. So in our family we don't give up quickly. That's good. So good you been with us before and talked about the five core needs and identify them will impose those it away but will walk us through those needs and what they mean for children security who can I trust again is my mom there for me, will she teach me or just yell at me if I admit I need help with my mom be present issue. My security will she love me even when I get it wrong again such an important question their identity when I am I good or bad by skilled or unskilled MI lazy RMI persevering identity controls behavior. So tell your children that resilient. I'm a huge believer catch them being resilient catch them trying again catch them not bubble wrapping themselves catch them asking for help and proud of you for wanting more. I'm proud of you for being resilient. What money your resilient you are asking for help. Identity controls behavior.

If they don't have security and you they won't have identity found from you and that's dangerous that belonging who wants me. Does anybody know I'm alive as dad want me even if I didn't make the football team as dad want me even if I only get to play one piano song and not to with recital this dad want me if I don't like math and he loves math Babylon here. I feel safe in my own family. So the way we communicate again is so important I want to punch that one more time this idea.

This connection between security and resiliency. It's so important for kids to know that their parents are in their corner, and that's a kind of a general statement, but you have to think about it ahead of time and I know you know because I played sports in school. It was important to me in the fact that I had two boys thrilled me. So when they were really little I just couldn't wait here comes in. One of them was off the charts in his height and I get a football player, maybe two.

I can't believe it larger so awesome and then really that didn't have. They had no interest in it and I member Troy actually trying out for basketball team I think was ninth grade 10th grade and he made it to the first night cut and got in the car really happy and said he had made him so happy second night of picked him up. He wasn't quite as happy.

And what happened when didn't quite make it.

The other guys are just too good. I said well that you know they've been playing for years, probably you haven't played that long. So Pam Prouty for trying out what he wanted night. Oh so sweet that he managed it well into he didn't. He wasn't gloomy about it.

He just kind of embraced it and knew that his talent wasn't as high as the other kids. I love that.

He said they have played more than I have. Rather, that I am bad, right, he understood that it was a skill comparison which is legit but that he verbalized that they were better not I am worse. That's a beautiful thing for your son. Yeah night. I was really proud of you. That's kind of that example.

But as as a sports dad menu have got to think of that ahead of time because you could blow it in so many ways. The Oregon is an accountant who wants a mathematician right okay to get other sports like the same kind of thing yeah but II understand again is a forensic coach. I get that you can address unconditional love will quit you some person that's a part of security and belonging. We say I love you unconditionally.

There's nothing you can do that would cause me to love you less than nothing you can do that would cause me love you more, but do we really love our children unconditionally. If we do that we have to celebrate effort and not be afraid that they have to try harder than a sibling or a cousin or we had to we have to honor progress not look for perfection and and this is going to kill parents, but I would state if you like to see love your children and you say to them in the morning. I can't wait for the bike ride later today and they spilled milk at lunch, or they don't perform well and poetry reading. You go on a bike ride that afternoon. Because if you don't go on that bike ride that you said you would want a bike ride. You just demonstrated conditional love right apps and it's hard it's hard but that's security and that's resiliency. This will children telling teenagers and young adults that Kathy I cannot risk trying for fear that I won't make the cut and they will love me anymore Kathy as a parent we want to help our kids understand who they are, why they exist and what they're good at minutes. Core, I feel like I've undergone that I thought they were getting it.

I don't know that I've been as intentional to say God made you said it, but have I said it enough but speak to those things of purpose, uniqueness, Yahoo, MRI, why am I here then is a big yeah and when you start that discussion read what grade we pray into them and awareness of God's creative intent. Ephesians 210. You were created in advance to do good work that you would walk in them. Psalm 139, 13, 14, you were knit together did. It is a precise skill I used to sent to tall.

I know Sam tall cousin to tall denies God was intentional and right in his choice. That's good.

Thank you God has been good to me to reveal truth so who are your children identity, why are they who they are and you cannot raise them to become who they can't be. They glorify God when they become God created them to be and this is why we study them and we study God's word not just for who is God, but who am I and who have you created my children speak what they delight in.

What brings them joy. What breaks their heart where they thrive where it is a confidence so what do they stay up late to it when they wake up wanting to do and we honor them even if they're not like us is purpose why my life guys if you don't have an answer that question.

You might as well die and I'll say that lately the second leading cause of death for 10 to 24-year-olds is suicide, the giving up quickly. The dropout rate from school. The dropout rate from church dropout rate from faith in the God of the Bible that it matters because I don't matter because I don't believe I was created with intentional purpose, but God is created with the C and that's what we teach. But that's powerful thing.

You're hitting it right on the head of the nail wanting anything, we've got to figure out a way to build bed and quickly endured young people so they know they're here for.

Purposely I love that I love that quickly and what are the reasons gentlemen is because that's where our competence comes from.

So the fifth of the core needs is competent with 20 well, well, if we have purpose. We know what to work toward. If we have purpose. We won't stay down in the valley and we won't bubblewrap ourselves even allow some of the bubblewrap us because we were created to do that and it's good to take some effort for me to be able to do that if I don't know why I'm alive. Then nothing matters and effort diligence teachability humility.

None of it matters. Kathy, let's take some time to talk about how we build that resiliency into our children. The most obvious one is talking about it like everything we feel ill-equipped to me were not Dr. Kathy you know we've got limitations. How do we get started, there you have some great tips in the book equipping parents to do exactly that. What's a couple of the best ways that we go about addressing it with her kids, you know the first thing I'll say is to teach not telling L. Most children are doing the best they know how to do I really look that's interesting that some are not. Some are people in Austin playing as many children are doing what they believe is right, we are overwhelmed, tired, stressed, I own that I get that some of us are very resilient. So were fearful.

We have got to teach our children how to survive and how to thrive in this is how you stand out as a child and how to walk the talk. Mom, dad, or somebody picks them back up hold out your hand back some 3 feet smiles come to mama your they are in your present with them and forth modeling walking in front of them so it's teaching and it's been present it's expecting them to improves were not shocked when they are improving and they'll say. Also pick up back to you paying attention or self talk and you might be exigent or self talk to self talk is what happens inside their head. But I was comes out and we have got a better job of listing for what I call the IM statement. I am foolish versus I made a mistake. I am clueless versus this was kind of difficult right I am never going to get this right versus dad. This is really hard.

Listen forward to finding sounding negative and permanent. I am statements because as I said before identity controls behavior so we don't want them to think that and was usually a really bold guys dear Chauncey I am so stupid never to get it right, we say that's a lie go down them stupid. No, what makes you think you're stupid. I got five things wrong, we're not stupid you got five things Ron tell the truth sign did you rush do not proofread, do not courageously ask for help. Did you not look up the unknown word because you were lazy and stupid stupid happens when you make other choices. The other thing I think Jim that's so critical that I could have tears in my eyes very quickly when you hear a child say I'm stupid or they behave as if they believe that yeah I'm stupid. I'll never amount to anything.

I'm the lost child.

They don't love me as much the first thing out of her mouth is. Maybe I'm so sorry I'm so sorry you feel that way. I'm so sorry because that's got hurt your heart how can I help you. Well that's right from the heart of Dr. Kathy Cook.

She's our guest today on Focus on the Family and we have so much that we covered already. Still more to come stop by our website and get a copy for terrific book called resilient kids got copies here@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call 800 the letter a in the word family.

Kathy sometimes it can be difficult for us as parents to objectively observe where kids are at and if there stuck in this area and then we devise a plan and we help them either too little or too much. That's where the organ to be right on the mark. I think it's kind of a continuum.

The degree of that help write that child that is stuck in use that word quite a bit in the book and I guess the question is if they can't figure out how to overcome the struggle. How do we help them. How much of a step out of the hold we give them in order to help them, if at all. That's a good addition, if at all, and I know it's all circumstantial.

But the kid that doesn't get his homework done. Another stuck for whatever reason. Fear succeeding. Fear failure, whatever might be how do we engage that's okay little Johnny. Here's what needs to happen. Yet such a great question. I said it before and I'll say again listen longer observed with intentionality to see if you can determine what's going on there is a character problem is a skill problem is it a belief problem and they don't know maybe where to start your conversation. I also think that the earliest as early as possible.

We said say what do you think is going on here that's good you Johnny.

What do you think is going on like that.

Well, it's really hard. Why do you think it's hard. What I haven't done it before, will that's the purpose of school to do what you don't yet know. So what do we do with things are hard all I could read it a second time. I could look at what I did yesterday to say if it's similar I could ask you for help if we can train our children to with confidence come to us without fear your dental remember this and then what's our first response to how can you not remember that we just will not resilience versus I disappointed you don't remember, but I'll be happy to help you. Or better yet, let me help you. And then maybe we say you understand yeah is anything else I can do to help you remember because I expect you to remember this because you are capable not. It's not hard that's on the assignment. Your capable is on the kid so your firm the child that that's so good. Let let's move to another crucial aspect of resilience and that's how resiliency can be rooted in an spiritual development as well. This is really important. I describe the core because everything else is just action but spiritual resiliency is right where the Lords deal with you. I really excited that we have time to get you. I appreciate being here so much and I think that the ideas that we shared. I really do believe have been helpful for idle appearance of kit of any agent struggling but you know what guys I am most concerned with children who give up on their spiritual growth is important is academic growth is an artistic talent ends.

No athletic talent spiritual development.

I want to give up on themselves to grow in their faith. Yet, let me ask you about that, why with all the people all the parents are counseling the could you see why is it true why are more kids giving up on that spiritual resiliency today of spiritual development yet again. Part of it is the church and the family dishonoring the things of the Lord say that lightly, but are we, as adults invested an intentional to our children see that were excited about the word of God.

It was really fun is when I talked to parents a lot appearance study the word of God. After the children aren't bad right so mother did have a Bible study and their intentionally deep in the things of the word of God and the pray for each other and their children, but the children don't know it. I want our appearance to demonstrate a vibrant relationship with the God of the Bible in front of their children, so the children see mom and dad love God. The Bible isn't just a Sunday morning, but little money and yet you're doing over there and one couple who heard me speak a lot time ago.

They think the gentleman wept in front of me when he realized that every time that he was in the word he was not with his children, except in the pew on a Sunday morning, so he and his wife began to Bible study at about 77 30 at night at the dining table while the children were playing and doing homework and running in and out of the room rather than at 9 o'clock when the children went bad. That's good so that it is so simple and I said I so I think part of the reason for children to not pursue God's they don't see us pursuing more of God. And another thing I want to say and I think you'll agree I don't think in the church and in the family representing the wholeness of God. God is Alpha and Omega and everything in all things.

But what do children know he is faithful. Okay what happens if we don't perceive him as being faithful toward us in one moment that we give up on God. Know that those are convicting thoughts all the way around them in terms of what your kids are saying and how are you behaving how are you living your life with the Lord and you know I think were probably too caught up in culture and contemporary things and I and the kids right there with us in a right yet, it is good to demonstrate our enthusiasm for the Lord you created something you call the family resiliency manifesto big. Sounds like wow that sounds like a lot of work to the ones that stick out to you out of the manifesto guy thinks you know that we understand. Struggling is sometimes necessary. So therefore, don't be afraid of it. It is a part of life and that's huge. And that struggle happens sometimes. Because learning isn't easy.

It's not that were bad or stupid or lazy or clueless.

Learning is not always easy. That's part of the manifesto that gives children permission to say I don't get it right. I don't understand that God is loving. I don't feel that I feel is judgment today. What he means that God is loving, we let them know that not everything is easy.

We need and not P adequately make mistakes.

So what comes out of our mouth. When we forget a doctors appointment when we leave our keys on the counter when we are ready late went to the USA do we panic for fear that we will look foolish or we will be disappointed of others. Those are some of that, we expect positive attitudes in negativity and pessimism ought not live here.

They should be momentary reality, but they don't define us. That's not of our culture that like that is a good one is a really good once Kathy you know right at the end here and I think it be a good opportunity with all the knowledge that you've experienced then gained doing what you do speak from the heart and understand me right out of the book.

The book is terrific and I hope people get a copy but what would be your your parting comments to the listeners who were gone. Wow, this is hitting me right between the eyes. I'm not really thought of this. I've not been that intentional about resiliency and my kids so you know what, what's the parting comments to help a parent appreciate that. I don't want anyone overwhelmed in there for doing nothing, we absolutely can make progress when we value ourselves and our children. It's never too late. I like to say that we are the perfectly imperfect parents for perfectly imperfect children because otherwise we would not be there. Parents whether being foster, adopting, or by birth, perfectly imperfect, we can find within ourselves and our community. What we need in order to step up and walked out of the valley and make a difference to be patient with ourselves is so huge, well again this is been so good.

As always, every time you're on Kathy you teach so well those things we need to knows parents and men one lecture returning to you the listener the you to watch her. This is free of fear that parent made the grandparent and you want to gently encourage your adult children to think about how their parents were not there yet, but I think that that is going to come there. So much for your focus is what we look for, we come in here every day trying to create a deep well of resources for you to tap into to get that drink of water that you need because you may not have the answer. And certainly the day and last times discussion can equip you in that way.

Let me ask if you can help be part of the ministry. If you could do a monthly gift. We would love to send you Kathy's book as our way of saying thank you. One time gift. Of course, is appreciated. I don't discourage that. But either way, we want to get this great work in your hands the resilient kids and think he really had a bill that resiliency and do children and you can do that by ordering a copy today joined Dr. Kathy Cook Jim Daly and myself in being a part of the pledge community for Focus on the Family become a monthly donor. As you can over as Jim said a one time gift is certainly appreciated. Our phone number here is 800 the letter a in the word family or stop by and make that donation on the website link is in the show notes and when you're online. Be sure to take our parenting assessment. It is a terrific free resource for you. Take just a few minutes for you to fill out to find some strengths in your parenting approach and maybe an area or to prove it again you'll find a link for that three parenting assessment at our website and next time on Focus on the Family you'll hear how Brian and Sherry low got out of significant debt and will encourage you as a couple to trust God with your finances. So many questions from people who say how can I get myself on the same page financially and my responses only only got and on behalf of Jim Daly in the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ, I'm here asking people how they could both give and I don't know. Maybe. Love you both give and get love through that.

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