How to Build Resilience in Your Child (Part 1 of 2)

Resilience for me was when my mom signed me up for a really hard debate class even though I'm not later taught me to persevere, even though I felt like quitting. A lot of times I think that resilience means getting back out when something knocks you down resilience for me was sticking by my family values. Despite the influence of my friends around me. So how do you build resilience in your life. Or maybe the life of your child. Today were going to hear more about how to do just that. To nurture that characteristic in your son or daughter. I'm John Fuller left Focus on the Family your hostess focus Pres. and other Jim Daly Joe when it comes to instilling character and her kids.

I think the most important aspect we can teach and model for them is bouncing back from struggles and difficulties, resiliency, and it's so critically important.

I feel like you know I went through some very difficult things as a child, but they did make me stronger in so many ways and I'm grateful for it, even though it was very difficult. The verses in second Corinthians, 489 come to mind. The apostle Paul wrote, we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed, perplexed, but not driven to despair persecuted, but not forsaken, struck down, but not destroyed.

I love that it's like a halftime speech. Let's go get a inspiration and that you know when challenges arise in your child's life you want them to be able to face those difficulties with courage and confidence. And that's were resilience comes in today it we want to give you a solid idea of what that looks like in your life and in developing it in your children and will also give you some tools that are going to equip you in that direction today.

Yet our great friend Dr. Kathy Cook is very quick to do just that. You're probably familiar with her. She's been here on the broadcast.

A number of times so she's a speaker, an educational psychologist and former teacher. She's written a number of books and today were talking about one of her latest. It's called resilient kids raising them to embrace life with confidence and click the link in the show notes or give us a call. Your copy are numbers 800 K and word family. Kathy welcome back to focus. Thank you so much Jim and glad to be here now you voice you been speaking a lot then then it's fine but it is a bit gruff. I'm so sorry about that.

That 12 days in four states and that for the it's been a little bit rough, but I know people waiting with as there was a widow comes across just fine for you.

Now you founded that celebrate kids. It's dedicated to helping kids better understand who they are and their purpose in God's kingdom to get if you can help kids understand those two things. That's incredible, and you're out speaking and working with children and their parents what you hearing about the importance of resilience as kind of the foundation for healthy kids you like.

I've written about this into my other books, but when I was pondering what would be my next book that was through the culvert crisis and I was so concerned that we would have generations of children to find in themselves, but what they did not have defined themselves by loss and grief and by fear because I'm so sad, as I know everyone is that they experience so much that was so difficult when they were developmentally not ready to handle it and I was just determined to be one of those voices that would stand up and say no who you are and what you have learned to handle those difficult moments in Jim. I really appreciate that you've always been so vulnerable about your background because Europe's euro. In this idea that the generational dysfunction does not need to continue and you can learn to stand up and rise up, and walked out of whatever the trauma is and I want people to do that appearance as well as their children.

So true, and I appreciate that you know I've tried to be that example for my boys.

Have you know I am thinking of you mention covert in school and what kids are going through.

So Troy, my younger one was a junior and a senior during the cobra time is so sad because I remember him and fifth sixth grade talk about want to go to the prom didn't happen as experiences for those two years for the young people, and that it can break my heart that they didn't have the normal stuff socially or through school and that they did come with a bit of a loss, though, right right we don't live in denial.

That's it. I read in chapter 1 of the book about how important is that we not live in denial loss is will and grief is something not to ignore the point would be the appearance of grandparents and social workers, pastors and teachers need to help children walk through their grief so that they will recover readily from whatever has been difficult for them know we will get to more these kind of questions. But the whole bubblewrap of your kid and I mean Jean and I was so flaming they write down the driveway and I know people gonna contact me here.

Focus and say you're horrible that I member should come running out. Get their helmets on for the bicycle rides and I it's only like you know a little driveway time and it's good but it is the same thing is like this mom dad thing, like, really. It's always wise to put the kids to wear helmets. I did it was fascinating because we didn't know. So why have seatbelts and I say that I specified around the back of the so you know what I think we've done we've protected our children physically and well. What we need to were Nazi. Don't yeah course. However, how we have we presented them emotionally. And that's where we that's were bubblewrap it becomes an interference with maturity is such a good metaphor okay your childhood that you had an example in the in the book were you were in a lake swimming something happen in your parents engage, but intent tells a story and what you did. That was the case with my whole family cousins and grandparents, and I was you I did the water night. Felt something hit me and I wasn't aware what it was got out of the water, but my hand to my forehead remove my hand and it was totally rad course. The blood had expanded beyond normal because of all the water from the lake terrified screams when she thought it was playing a game didn't take me seriously but eventually came back and realize I was really hurt because my dad was the lake fishing in the book.Italy on the boat fishing is right with my brother came to the sword to the hospital, for stitches ever. But I went back swimming the next day because of how my parents handled it. Were you supposed to do that was stitches fighting. Well I hope so. I wonder what is that anyway that note, but the point there. What you're saying is went right back and got on the horse race be right right right and that that's so critical for kids when there you know what you think of lease with the boys falling off a little ledger know a little brick fence or some sooner were they jump on a falloff you can overdo it is apparent going okay okay what's happening what my mom could've said swimming is dangerous. I mean, the chance of the cat at the next-door property skipping a rocket hitting me is that ever happen again. So she said go swim. My dad went fishing again with my brother in the boat. They didn't however did make me feel like I was at fault or that I had something to be fearful of and that's really important life happens.

Let's set lets it for the parents sometimes intentionality and parenting is tough. Were busy but the benefits of resilience that hippos oh thank you so Gen. success general growth freedom to risk because if we don't risk we don't grow. That's really important, fewer mental health issues. There is research that says that resilient children will be angry and and stress to feel pain but they're not defined by that is that person is perfect yeah and that's exactly what you want. That's what I hear is healthy. Problem-solving will be another one dimension because if you resilient.

You don't want to stay down the valley you want to try again to make the soccer team or to play the piano piece better so you learn to strategize yeah you learn what got in the way that you could avoid the practice differently and who doesn't want children or independently able to problem solve that without it not been supportive or adapting available but on our own to be able to get out of the mess when their precious and the reason I framed that way is that there are so many things that a parent has to be aware of to do. I would think building resiliency and your children should maybe take first place I I'm trying to think of spiritual development obviously but when you're looking at.

Where do I's apparent become more intentional. I think this would be once.

Certainly, the top three should be intentional about will preach it and I appreciate that so much. That's why little book on it right because you know what it starts as a choice, like a childhood swat falls down and we that's a bad girl.

We'll see… I get for five years until people we know they're going to fall down. We take pictures and videos. It breaks everybody that our children are growing up right so we expect them to have the trauma there so it starts as a choice to stand up.

The more often you choose to be resilient, the likelihood that it becomes an ability and then it's part of character we all think about be resilient.

We are reselling it right and that changes you when it's a part of your spirit what is the key to resiliency. Parents will fix it really is, how do we had a we perform it well or not perform at Weldon.

You know, Jim. I will say that lately you know I love being here with you on focus and every parent and grandparent listening wants to be the very best they can be.

We need to be resilient. It starts with the payment not staying down in his Valley so modeling absolutely not on that and expected of yourself and risking and trying to catch and then letting the children know that your imperfect and your growing your striving going after the things that are for you when you're not walking toward the things that are unrealistic. So do we model responsibility to remodel care and concern. And then of course providing support for our children that comes in a variety of ways we can talk about yeah I know it's good and I think it's important.

Obviously you are a teacher of second graders. God bless you for having second grade got to be a fun age, though I'm in there there still so innocent and interested. Respecting authority in solid junior high right something so in that role, you use the term in the book called the snow suits one of the snow suits right is your snowsuit okay.

Oh my goodness, so picture this guys and 28 second graders and they came to school with their snow suits of the boots of the mittens, and scarves and hats and it would be recess.

They weren't allowed to go outside for their brief 15 minutes until he got just what it took some kids 14 minutes to get dressed, and that wasn't in playtime. But here's the thing Jim if I would've put on other snowsuit to the boots and hats and scarves and mittens. They never would've learned how to do it. So I watched and it was painful to stand back and watch them the children to put on their mittens before they sipped this most realize that that was not a good idea to the mittens off in order to visit the snowsuit right yeah kids so I watch I sometimes leave the room so that I wouldn't over help which would then make them feel like they were incapable and then they rely on me all the time but my goal as an educator was appropriate independence so that that's a great so what your snowsuit what he looked like are you afraid that your child may not make his bed as well is you could so you over help and the child feels like you have to be perfect and I'm fearful or could you decide that the goal is not perfect bed making the goal is that my child grow up in my child learn some skills that he is then able to exhibit that just with bed making but Fulton is on to put in which we are kind like back to the walking analogy you use the knocking to make it perfectly in a certain age and older. Better. Better.

Hopefully over time and you know that's that's what you're driving toward his effort put right.

Good effort and then write hopefully that'll be sufficient right you mention.

Also, what role belief plays in resiliency not describe the kind of belief your you're using their will. Yes, really important. We believe that celebrate kids that beliefs cause behavior so animate the core, because belief changes actions. Nancy was something absolutely, that's kind of the core of change in your in your heart, absolutely, so we can sweep away the webs right but if we don't kill the spite of the webs come back right so we can change children's behavior, attitudes and actions.

But if we don't deal with the underlying reason that they are the way they are, they will most likely continue to be the way that we get more frustrated they get more angry and it's a mess. So, are they not trying because they don't believe it's worth it because they don't see value in the task are they not trying because they don't have the skills so we've told them that we haven't taught them that's on us experience get. I don't say that lightly, are they not trying because it comes so easily to their sister that there fearful they look stupid and they can handle the belief that I might be stupid so and what about Gaudio spiritual resiliency so important what you believe about God is you can help me or isn't he see available to seek care at some point Kathy. We all tell ourselves stories to make sense of problems and successes.

Actually, you refer to this as explanatory style and then you say there's four elements underneath that so what what is it and talk about each one. Yeah, I appreciate that lay just start with a really simple example and then we can unpack it helps me think it is no sense that my dog ate the homework right that's an explanation for what went wrong all of Estella says little stories inside her had to justify what happened so kind that classic would be a child goes to school purposely doesn't do homework purposely forgot that because she knows it's not well done, but says to the teacher instead. My dog ate the whole working up or we please me know. My baby my baby sister was crying and I couldn't concentrate so explanatory style is huge when it comes to resiliency for parts one is the personalization who is responsible who is responsible.

Is it me, what did my dad make me rush or did I not use my time well and I was rushing but it wasn't my dad's impatience.

I made the mistake of not getting started early enough, it's just that my dad, he now may be rush but that is my responsibility. I cannot be mad at my dad for that. There is so much in this one element. Kathy is that the culture look at the deflection that occurs in the culture that this is huge. Being able to objectively know what went wrong.

Whose fault was it. It's hard for the culture to embrace that I think I think yes and what is same. Yeah I'm it makes us so weak. Thank you week is the right word if you're a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ as a reader of the holy word of God, you have the strength of God on your side and we not. We don't need to be afraid we don't need to know what I do agree in the same way that others would if I could put it that way know it's a bit of a doubt you'll back to what we were saying about how appearance are that real key here to our children developing resiliency. So this idea of personalization with explanatory style, if appealing, never owns his role, the children will not be able to be resilient. So if it is the dads fault, let's say that the child did not know that in five minutes we had to go to grandma's and the child had something that had to be finished it. That is on dad to say that building that is on dad who didn't think you had who didn't realize the daughter had an assignment of phone call that needed to be made. Whatever was going on that dad's forgetfulness to not plan not understanding an eight-year-old's thinking process whatever that don't stress your daughter out if you don't say, sweetheart, I'm so sorry to make you rush I forgot about ready to go to grandma.

I don't mean to be stressing you out, let's wait until later. If children don't hear moms and dads own their responsibility for the explanatory style they will have a very hard time trusting, so let's own it and let's go as a family and Kathy permanence is the next what you mean by program permanence is how long will it last time I'll never get anything right. No, it's kind that well is me. Let's eat worms it up like this is terrible.

Nothing is going right.

So is it permanent I is it's for ever going to be this way. So you want moms and dads we could take pictures of progress on our phones we can keep old work we can remember that you key moment Tuesday really mad at your soccer coach because you didn't get as much playtime but you went back on Thursday with a positive attitude. You are kind and patient and other centered and you chewed on the kids to play more than you and you chose to change your attitude and you were resilient and it is not a permanent condition of your being, and I'm so proud of you yeah and it meant so important for the parent to be mindful of what you're expressing. We like and that's why because I you know I have that very experience with Troy.

We we we had them in Little League. There are three boys that were part of the core team. It was the first year they had played the rest of the crew had been playing for couple years and the only kids that rotated out were the three kids including Troy and site has like wow they're not connected get more playing time if the other kids don't rotate out to you now, and I mentioned it to Troy and he was so he was like the adult years log data minutes are these guys are playing long time. I'm happy to get three innings.

Okay, that's better. That's really precious and will yell honoring the love that yeah just a good that you know a good example where I was blown it. To be honest yeah okay what's the next one relates to invasiveness. How far into our life.

Will it go, you have the child struggles in a biology class does.

She then assumed that you will struggle in math. If it with one soccer coach doesn't choose you for the 18 to assume the next soccer coach won't as well so pervasiveness how far will go throughout my whole entire life exactly all my so if I if I struggle at 830 in the morning. Will my whole school day. Be bad, right and this is where I could mention the role of optimism and pessimism.

Optimistic people are absolutely more resilient and have a healthier, more honest explanatory style so moms and dads can look for optimism and affirm to like if you know you hopefully about your kids and you struggle that you know nine in the morning with an assignment, but by 10 in the morning. A child's attitude to change. We need to say thank you for the attitude shift. I'm proud of you for being resilient and not expecting your whole day to go want. It's good we using the key language because I agree that resiliency is that important and one of the ways we define it for children so they can be a as we call it out when we see it yeah it's good okay. We had personalization permanence pervasiveness and in the fourth one is the fourth wind has to do with what will it take for me to recover the recovery so recovery what will it take for me to recover. Is it going to be a big deal that's interviewing super higher. Yeah, what's the way out. What's the way out. That's a good phrase that enters the non-resilient children say there's nothing I can do my teachers about teacher my baby sister was crying it's raining, there's nothing I can do right, but the way out for resilient child is I will do whatever it takes to get into a model that is moms and dads as consistently as possible. So in that intentional parenting again. How do we discern our child's explanatory style. One of those for you. Ask him questions. Yes, that's a great point. So I think the first.

It was a as we listen longer. What are they saying what's their tone of voice.

Questions are they asking are they blaming are they she mean, are they giving up so we listen longer. We observe with the eyes to see a solution, not just the eyes to see what's wrong, not just nice to see you are so irritating and I get that that happens, but the eyes to see what could I be doing differently here and then we challenge them to look at it honestly, we show them real evidence. Evidence doesn't lie. Evidence that life if I called your coach right now. Would you coach say about your practice. If I called your piano teacher. What would your piano teacher say about you if I talk to your dad or your sister. What would evidence doesn't lie in and we don't check up on them to make them feel like we don't trust them, but we don't trust them say I have a realistic perspective. You had a funny story in the book about watching a giraffe a very poignant when I should say and that what happened with this giraffe that gave you little metaphor of Jim. I was privileged to be in Africa and after working at this conference, we went out to the draft preserve and we saw a mother giraffe walking around with the babies leg sticking out of the birth canal is so we knew the baby was about to be born. It was the most amazing that it's a rare sight. It was very rare and we were able to go with our guide and the giraffe had just dropped the baby, you are there, probably within about 10 minutes and this baby is 6 feet tall as a baby, but splat on the ground like a pizza spaghetti was trying to raise its neck at the baby drops from a standing position breaks the umbilical cord hits the ground starts to breathe and he immediately tries to nurse right. God creates it to know immediately what it must do it on his yeah I was trying to lift its net deck and the fuzz out tries the other way. Tries to stand up and the legs aren't strong enough to hold it was hysterical and the whole time. The mother was there watching, just watching right if we ever clicked on camera overhead spun toward us is very protective and very observant occasionally will go down and lick some of the fluid may be off of the baby but did not ever try to get that baby to stand yet is that mother giraffe new intuitively, my child must learn to stand on its own. What a great example of building resiliency that that baby had to get up on its leg so he could nurse right right so important, and the mother was courageous to watch at the mother helped on the snowsuit idea, absolutely. That's why sometimes say the parents leave the room if you can, you have the kids are safe in your fridge, and over helped leave the room because what I think would happen if that mother would've helped the baby up the legs wouldn't of been sturdy enough to hold the baby because it's in the process of standing that the strength happens, great metaphor great Kathy were right in the end we are gonna come back tomorrow and working to pick up the conversation but I'm thinking of the mom and dad.

I mean nobody does it perfectly now and I'm sitting here thinking I could've done that better. I could've done that better speak to that mom or dad maybe who has a teenager now maybe 20 something and it hasn't, you know been a mindful process for them. They have over parented.

They have overprotected and the fruit of its theremin the kids to start doing the things they normally should do. What could they do to may be set a different course. A little course correction even in the teen years to start addressing this. Appreciate the question that's true that's why we're here today because people aren't student perfectly so we can know that there's no shame in playing there. We want to give you courage for tomorrow not play machine for yesterday. It isn't easy to date number one asked to be forgiven if if you sent the document syndicates or children so they have a conversation cement. I learned something on the radio today I learned that I been making a mistake by overprotected you. I've been fearful that you would make me look bad, own it, that's very common or I've been fearful that you might be hurt, but I was reminded that in the struggle. You gain experience of the struggle doesn't continue been a struggle. And I need to courageously back off and so if you see me not advising you is often not protecting as often is that the elder son don't care text that I really care and to Jimmy questions for me, so I think we have the conversation we earn the right to say what said, and if we know that were part of the problem is we throw a hissy fit when we get something wrong.

We are demanding perfectionism, which makes risk impossible, Jim.

We own that with humility and asked to be forgiven. Not so good and get will come back next time. Let me turn to the audience. If this is pulling yeah and that which I hope it is as a parent maybe a grandparent that knows your dull kit should hear this. Let me encourage you to get in touch with focus.

John will give those details in a minute. We have a whole bunch of resources including Kathy's great book that you get a hold of. We also have a parenting assessment right there online. It's free partakes on the 56 minutes to do the seven traits of effective parenting. It's cut it's can it point out some areas. You're doing great in and then pry some areas that you need a little help and obviously we have Kathy's wonderful book, resilient kids and if you can make a gift of any amount that will send you Kathy's book if you can do it monthly. That really helps us one time that's good to and will send you copy Kathy's book. As always, thank you for being part of the ministry. Most importantly great resource to help you in your parenting journey. Donate today. As you can request your copy of Catholic resilient kids and on the link for that parenting assessment all the details are in the show notes or call one 800 K word and on behalf of Jim Daly, and the entire team.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once more help you and your family thrive in Christ you ever wonder when it was like to meet Jesus face-to-face and miracle teachings, the long-awaited Messiah/all new novel by Focus on the Family, I have called you by name. Based on the hit streaming theories immerse yourself in first century gallantly experience the Savior to the young.

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