Discovering God's Plan For Your Parenting (Part 2 of 2)

The following program is sponsored by Focus on the Family and is supported by the prayers and financial gifts of wonderful friends like you when the real purposes of sacred parenting as it is not like we've arrived, spiritually, emotionally, and then are pulling the kids up to our level is like were all rubbing shoulders sinning against each other, asking for forgiveness receiving God's grace so that her kids seem modeled not just good behavior, which I hope they see and not just a worshipful attitude what's perceived but also how they deal with their sin. How do they confess out-of-date recognize instead of run from it and how do they asked for forgiveness. So for me the joy of parenting was preserved by reminding myself I'm a messenger.

I'm not the Messiah that's Gary Thomas describing the very special opportunity that God gives us as parents we have to have the right perspective as we raise our kids and Gary's back with us today to help us with your hostess, Focus on the Family president and author Jim Daly and I John four John we had such a good discussion last time with Gary about sacred parenting.

He wrote this book years ago but now it's been updated with wonderful content and terrific things.

Last time we talked about listening, sacrifice, guilt, and all the stuff that motivates us as parents both negatively and positively. Gary challenged us to think differently about how we raise our children, hopefully toward a more godly orientation. It's all about launching them. How do we get these kids ready to live their lives in such a way that they honor the Lord. They do well to their fellow neighbor and treat their families right and I'm looking forward to continuing the conversation today and I am to Jim it's can be good, we encourage you to get a copy of Gary's book is called sacred parenting. How raising children shapes our souls and that we also have an audio copy of our conversation from last time. Details are@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or give us a call 800 K and the word family and we made note of this last time, Jim.

We moved from our normal studio set up to a beautiful hunting lodge in Texas. We were hosted by Bill and Carrie and their dear friends and were so grateful for their hospitality sound a little bit different. Here's how Jim started part two of her conversation with Gary Thomas on today's episode of Focus on the Family Gary want to get back to the book sacred parenting which again republished here last time we left off.

And if you missed it. As John said get a CD get Collis get the download for app from whatever might require that you mention the listening skills and learning from your children. I just want to pull one element out of last program. You have a story about your son Graham teaching you something and I think it's a beautiful way to start the program today where did you learn from your son Graham how old was he. He was about 4 1/2. If I remember correctly it was a frustrating time my life all I wanted to be was a writer. I couldn't imagine anything else since I was in a job that wasn't bring a lot of joy I would get up early but pretty much my day was defined by the mailbox I would send out these letters to publishers to magazines to agents and it was just frustrating because I wasn't getting anything back but I want to read and so the day started out without with Graham. We were just signing him up for soccer as I took him the soccer field so he could watch the kids. He was gonna play it soon and then we had a coupon for two for one Sundays at Baskin-Robbins. Money was tight and so using coupons went and stopped at Baskin-Robbins, which is right next to what they used to call a video rental store. The days I would lie there and so we went out and he heard me talk about speed racer and we we we saw the speed racer video he could and he was just hugging that thing.

He was so excited and I stopped off at the post office which was a mistake and it was the box was empty, which basically means nobody wants to say we want you to work with us at the time and that's what was coloring my day, another day, another dream hasn't come through what's going on. When is this going to happen and I had that day throughout Graham acid to come.

The grocery store. He got a coupon. It was his first box of cocoa puffs pushy. That was so excited he is on display in and so were John and I'm just discouraged.

Imad give the day about a C+. At that time, which is so frustrating but we putting Graham down for his nap and he dislikes up amigos.

Last day of my whole life and I just look back through his eyes. He was watching a soccer game was young boy thinking he's can get to play soccer didn't have a Sunday getting to watch speed racer video and annoying the next morning and wake up to a bowl of cuckoo for cocoa puffs or whatever and I just I just cause me to to settle down and say Gary this is the miracle of parenting. This is an A+ day for your son. It should be an A+ day for you and again looking back is an empty Nestor that even hits me more that some that I love that Troy and I had a similar experience. We went to good faith will took the truck had to go across country to get on the way back to truck breaks down. So were stuck Memorial Day weekend for four days went for the strike were staying at Hampton and eat at Cracker Barrel next door with no vehicle and we swam. We played Scrabble by seven and we get in the truck. I have an attitude like I'm out 2500 bucks plus +4 days a Memorial Day weekend and were driving down the road at this has been the best vacation ever. So it's all perspective is in it he loved it.

It is an you know I we really miss that even more. Looking back, I had some intimations when my youngest daughter was just 12 years old. I'd forgotten something on the speaking trip and had to go to mall to pick it up or something and I saw a young family.

There is a mom and dad had three or four kids with them. One of the kids was very small. This type girl toddler.

She ran up in front of her dad and jumped in front of them and stopped and said daddy you gotta carry me. My legs are too tired and you can tell he didn't want to but you look like a good dad.

So I moved all the bags to his right hand and scooped her up with his left and started walking along and there's just something about that scene that hit me. Gary, when is the last time you carry when your kids to the mall because her little legs were too tired and it was the first time I realized that season was over it so subtle it was happening every day all sudden years of gone by, and a second happen again and I so wish somebody had said to me that last time Gary.

This is the last time you carry when your kids to the mall take a mental snapshot being present. Think about this moment relish this moment I was missing it so much. I went home to my daughter, who then was 12 years old, is it Kelsey, can I carry through the mall one last time. I could try to recruit had exactly even have the attitude down so it didn't happen and I will have to wait for granted today. I want to move into another difficult subject. That's anger parenting and anger. They just seem to go together. And maybe your listening and you say why never had that problem. God bless you. That's a wonderful thing that you get the joy of the Lord, but many parents, we do struggle with that anger. First of all, how did you address that in the book you said it's natural but dangerous.

How do we avoid compounding that anger in that moment just pull back and not express it inappropriately. Anger is certainly one of the key occupational hazards of parenting a pastor of a church about to 300 which is a good size church but it was enough to where he knew most of the people in his church. He decided to preach a sermon on anger and at the end of their sermon, they would have people come 40 wanted prayer for that particular topic. 19 people came forward that morning and elected him and he started laughing. Everyone was a mother of toddler part of it is the station of life.

It's because we care so much and we think if you you could've hurt yourself what we think of what what could have happened. We think of what it means for their future. It's the sense of betrayal and I've given everything to you. I try to love you and I made myself so vulnerable to you right. It just seems like anger becomes such a big part of parenting but for me it also help me understand God's anger in a way I never could before that there can't be love without anger. What set appropriate anger. The distinguish between appropriate anger is apparent and inappropriate as I think some parents. It's blurry, inappropriate anger for me was anger when I was inconvenienced anger when I was put out by what they did or embarrassed or frustrated, and appropriate anger is when I'm angry for what it might mean for them. Some trying to maintain my focus on you can't do this.

This is what's going to hurt you so they're not seeing my displeasure or anger. As a result of how could you do this to me. How could you embarrass me in this place. Or whatnot they see that my dad really loves me and what I've done has caused an emotion. I don't see them very often and I know it's because he's worried what this means for my present in my future.

Some examples. I really just to get the feel of this on to make sure people are hearing your heart. So when it comes to what behaviors in your children. Do you think a parent is rightful to say whoa come on one of the classic missteps present.

Parents with anger is when were so terrified when our kid misses a curfew comes home late and was the first thing we say I'm gonna kill you if you're worried about my safety and now you going to take me on. But but that's where at that point. Anger becomes, I can't believe you did this to me. I didn't get any sleep. I didn't do that instead of taking a step back and having those conversations you know you realize the longer you stay out the more tired you get the more tired you get the worse the decisions tend to be nothing good happens for a teenager outside the house at 2 AM. It just doesn't so you trying to express that we want this for you. We don't want that for you when you're making these choices, you're setting yourself up and even if you got away with it this time. When this becomes a pattern of life. Inevitably when you buck wisdom you pay the price.

There's always going to be consequences. And so it's not. We didn't get any sleep. Gotta get up in the morning. It's really what this means for them and their future. That's a good way to put in your you really child centered at that point not me and I've been inconvenienced as such. But what about it. I appreciate that example. But what about something as simple as they left their dishes in the sink again.

That's a good night and put them in the dishwasher and once about about him. It is, is there room for anger on that. Gary is could be for me it wasn't. It for me.

It wasn't dishes in the sink so much as we were so tight financing when the kids were young and my dad just ingrained in me. If you leave a room. You turn off the lights and my kids couldn't get it. I always knew what house I had and when I came home because every light in the house was on what time I came home and I just went around and Lisa what you doing. I said well on I'm trying to find the one light that is in on. I don't want to feel left out as trying to make appointment my kids that will know there's like a dog that was what is this about me not about my child but but here's what happened. The cure me of that. I came home one night after work and the house was completely dark out. What's up with this, will they had left in the afternoon they'd hit some traffic.

We lived in the northern Virginia area that time and it could be terrible. So I unusually got home before them, and it was so dark I I've made me miss him so much. I turned on the lights on to greater from home because it it just made me realize you know what, the fact that there are dishes in the sink means there's a kid to get the dishes dirty. The fact that there is a light left on means there was a kid that was in the room to leave the light on and so I would say to pageant. Just take a little step back and and be grateful that the people are there and yeah you can't live with somebody without them occasionally inconveniencing you and I do think we need to teach them responsibility with consequences and whatnot you guys and so many shows were with parenting experts that can can help them do that in and face the consequences but is just keeping that heart of what really matters most. Here such great thoughts from Gary Tom, our guest on Focus on the Family your hostess focus Pres. Jim Daly I'm John Fuller and we been covering some of the content in Gary's excellent book sacred parenting how raising children shapes our souls contact us today about donating and getting a copy of that book as well as a copy of this today conversation with Gary. Our number is 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or visit Focus on the Family.com/broadcast in here. Now is the conclusion of her conversation with Gary Thomas on Focus on the Family. In moving this to a godly perspective. This idea of joy. You know you want to instill in your kids godly character certainly enjoys one of them and you had this line in your book sacred parenting which was so good.

Don't be stupidly serious. Love that stupidly serious it.

It's a quote from GK Chesterton who talked about how Christians can really put off non-Christians will become what he called stupidly serious. Yeah we we don't embrace the joy of life. When I look at Scriptures. What really impacted me in attitude I wanted to have with my kids and want to have my kids today. Paul worked with some of the most frustrating churches imaginable with some of the worst sins you could imagine going immorality. Going off into heresy.

Financial problems sometimes they were taking pride in it. Turning want to get the other.

But listen to some of things that Paul said to these very troublesome communities to the Romans. I am full of joy over you, to the Corinthians. I have great confidence in you. I take great pride in you. I'm greatly encouraged in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds to the Philippians. I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you.

I always pray with joy to the Thessalonians. Indeed you are our glory and joy do for Lehman, your love has given me great joy. The one thing that people knew who were loved by Paul is that he had great joy and loving them and I think when the goals for us as parents should be one of the greatest joys in my life is that I get to be your parent.

You're not a project to me.

I delighting you give me great joy, and sometimes each just settling down. I remember one Easter we were at a church where the seats filled up very quickly.

In particular, on Easter morning. You know, and so they had to have overflow. I thought who wants to spend Easter in an overflow room where you can't yeah you looking at a screen and all the little yeah I mean is I want to do that and so I was trying to get my my family to understand the emergency of leaving on time this one.

Sunday given up all other Sundays 1/52 Sundays I wanted to leave on time and yet you know my my wife and one of our daughters have their own special relationship with time, as long as they intended to leave on time God will make every light turned green and and everything will happen and will as I'm all frustrated. I'm in the van. I'm waiting got to the kids. I'm waiting for my wife and and little Kelsey at the time she was just a toddler and and their running and laughing for the car and I just realized how beautiful they were and it was Gary. This is this is in a time to yell on Easter morning. This is time to say thank you God for this beautiful family and it's just taking that step back and not let the joy be squeezed out of an incredible will and a reminder were started. This is with those moms of toddlers. I think they can stress out the most of your stress and get a hold of us. There's lots of resources and tools we have counselors to help you. It's a tough season of life when you're stressing about everything. So get a hold of us. Gary you talk also about leaving this idea that the control and influence can be out of whack.

At that point this is. I guess nearing the empty nest area where your you're starting to feel like maybe I didn't accomplish a job she hanging on even tighter maybe trying to control even more discussed set forth.

What's that like I'm been through yet you have John you are partway there it's it's one of the hardest things and I would just say the one most valuable parenting tips I can give to parents whose kids are going away to college you bring along a pair of sunglasses is when you see that kid that is been living with you for 18 years. Go away. It rips apart out of you that you can never imagine you don't want them to see the tears that would be into.

It was so, as is so hard with my oldest daughter, she went about 45 minutes away, but it was still painful. She went to school in Canada where I bought beneath the Canadian border. But it was still you know I walked by her room and it was like this black hole. I made it was just it was difficult for me to even go in there and I'll never forget dropping my son off at his school and had been a furious three days because you're buying all the toiletries your you're buying the you go to hardware store, you go to the target. I mail the stores that parents Bed Bath & Beyond. Yet you just that's where you going to dropping your kids off the cuff, such as fears three days getting the dorm room set up and everything said and you see the campus. I'll never forget dropping them off at the turnaround and he gets out of that and he's lived with me his whole life and I'm watching a walk-in closet and I couldn't leave until I can see him anymore and he was just enveloped in that sea of bodies, and it was amazing just I can't believe that time of him living with me every day is over. It's a tough thing to face this can be hard for me to go through them only couple years away from that. So it doesn't get any easier because then you're together on vacation and when they leave to go back to school just as it's a good thing that shows the relationship is strong.

Let's send on board we look in the culture today. Man I wish I had more kids ranging I just didn't speak to that 2030 something young man, woman, there's been a some of the ranch folks here in those helping out on on the time here at the ranch we been there just certain the family. One young man has a son who's five months old. We sat in the blind talked about what it means to be a father what mistakes to try to avoid, let your feet in the next few minutes or just what do moms and dads need to avoid in order to have you know the best chance at healthy children who love the Lord and are following him and in the you know doing well, first I would say just embrace the gift of children which for some of the younger listeners is the first time I marries a pastor people saying actually don't know that we want any children sometimes will say we thought were too selfish or self-absorbed.

And that's probably true, but having children is one of the cures for that very good would not go out of that and then I'll just say very practically, I would say this to younger couples are thinking about that now.

Is it worth it. I've never heard a parent say I wish would've had this child. I've heard a lot of parents say I wish would had more when they get older because kids are so much work early on we think they're so expensive we can handle it and we want more. I I really haven't seen people regret the decision to receive the gift of those children. The second thing I would remember is that when you look at biblical priorities. There's a very boring chapter of the Bible. The change my life forever, and it's Genesis chapter 5 Genesis is rolling along action, excitement all this going on God's creating the earth and you Adam and Eve and then you have the fallen all of that and then you get to chapter 5 and is just this long genealogy these long list of names so-and-so got married, had so many kids live so many years and died and then so-and-so and then he had a son and that son got married and had to make is that we don't know anything about these people. We don't know what jobs they had.

We don't know if they were tradesmen or farmers. We don't know if they were athletes or their business type of people and basically what they did get swallowed up in history and what most of what we live for, will be swallowed up in history.

I even think of the famous people and I when people talk about how the famous people we can remember. I was just go back to well it's my Chester Arthur philosophy of life and they say who's Chester Arthur. He was a president of United States and only those people who actually remembered that list the presidents lever met because presidents are so big there in the newspaper every day, but I would ask you who won the World Series in 1967 now somebody will know.

Most won't who was governor of California, 19, 20, who was CEO of Shell in 1980 when all of these things eventually they evaporate in there and do nothing but kids are forever kids start an eternal relationship that we can have and that's the biblical priority.

In the end. Almost everything I do on this earth will be forgotten, but not my kids. That relationship will remain and so I think when you make the choice to put that relationship as a priority. I'll never forget what challenge me as a young husband's. I was on a speaking trip and I starting to travel a whole lot for my job and is picked up by a guy who worked then for IBM, which at the time was one the most successful companies ever in the history of US and they had a policy at that time. When she got a job with IBM you didn't get laid off. You can get fired later economic force to change in that, but he worked with a coworker who was in his late 40s and one day the coworker didn't show up and they that what happened while his wife called later that morning, he'd had a heart attack and died eating breakfast and what so shocked the man who I was talking with would pick me up for the speaking engagement was. He said we gave our life to the company's assets. Coming on the weekends we came in on the weekends because if you didn't, you'd be putting this vocational editor you would never get a promotion. We stayed late.

We did everything they did. But when he died.

They had his replacement within 24 hours they had them trained and he is moving on ghost.

It was almost as if he never existed, is in some ways the company was less inconvenienced by his death than if you taken a vacation present somebody waiting the rings they displayed me because I thought I sacrificed so much for this company but to them. I'm really just something that could be filled. So I went home from that trip. Our kids were all young and I walked in the door. I have three arms wrapping themselves around my legs.

Daddy's home and now those families together we go for a walk and I realized if I died.

The minister I worked at the time they would find a replacement you might do a better job than I was very likely would do a better job that I was doing, but my kids would never say it was as if he never existed. I talked to people all the time. They don't forget their dad when the dad was involved in so that point on I said who I want to disappoint with my nose somebody that can replace me and not really miss me or somebody for whom it will be a huge loss. And so it's that priority saying it led to a change in my vocation.

I said this is in the right job for me right now with kids this age it changed the course of my life and I look back and say it was the right choice. Gary, I'm feeling guilty now I gotta get out with my boys and do some hunting so you with your boys. Only thing, but it's been great to have your your book sacred parenting.

What wonderful stories. What a great resource for parents to have. Thanks so much for being with us John.

That was such a great conversation with Gary Thomas that he has such a wonderful heart and good perspectives on family and life and we had a lot of fun at that Texas ranch as well.

That's one trip. My boys and I will cherish for a very long time. And if you've enjoyed that Gary's insights I want to encourage you to get a copy of sacred parenting how raising children shapes our souls. We only cover the highlights of the book, and I know you'll find a lot more encouragement for your family in this wonderful resource and you may want to get a copy for a friend or family member. We can send a copy of sacred parenting to you when you make a gift to the ministry here Focus on the Family of any amount. And that's our way of saying thank you for joining us in helping other families donate monthly if you can or a one-time gift is deeply appreciated.

Either way call and donation numbers 800 K 800-232-6459 or stop by focusonthefamily.com/front when you're online with us. We were free parenting assessment that takes just a few minutes free to fill out and offer you some great insights about what's working well in your relationship with your kids or two items to improve as you interact with you on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family. Driving that's Gary Thomas describing the very special opportunity that God gives us as parents.

But we have to have the right perspective as we raise our kids and Gary's back with us today to help us with that your hostess Focus on the Family president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John.

We had such a good discussion last time with Gary about sacred parenting.

He wrote this book years ago but now it's been updated with wonderful content and terrific themes. Last time we talked about listening, sacrificed guilt and all the stuff that motivates us as parents both negatively and positively. Gary challenged us to think differently about how we raise our children, hopefully toward a more godly orientation.

It's all about launching them. How do we get these kids ready to live their lives in such a way that they honor the Lord. They do well to their fellow neighbor and treat their families right and I'm looking forward to continuing the conversation today and I am to Jim it's can be good, we encourage you to get a copy of Gary's book is called sacred parenting.

How raising children shapes our souls and that we also have an audio copy of our conversation from last time. Details are@focusonthefamily.ca or give us a call 800 the letter a in the word family and we made note of this last time, Jim. We moved from our normal studio set up to a beautiful hunting lodge in Texas.

We were hosted by Bill and Carrie and their dear friends were so grateful for their hospitality sound a little bit different. Here's how Jim started part two of our conversation with Gary Thomas on today's episode of Focus on the Family John. That was such a great conversation with Gary Thomas that he has such a wonderful heart and good perspectives on family and life and we had a lot of fun at that Texas ranch as well.

That's one trip. My boys and I will cherish for a very long time. And if you've enjoyed that Gary's insights I want to encourage you to get a copy of sacred parenting how raising children shapes our souls.

We only cover the highlights of the book, and I know you'll find a lot more encouragement for your family in this wonderful resource and you may want to get a copy for yourself for a family member or maybe a friend you can order that directly from focus Canada and when you do those proceeds go right back into strengthening marriages, equipping parents saving pre-born babies and so much more. So please be generous with your support of focus Canada today donate monthly if you can. Laura one-time gift is deeply appreciated. Either way call and make your donation are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or stop by Focus on the Family.ca and when you're online with us. We have a free parenting assessment that takes just a few minutes free to fill out it's can offer you some great insights about what's working well in your relationship with your kids and maybe one or two items to improve as you interact with your kids on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ. That's Gary Thomas describing the very special opportunity that God gives us as parents. But we have to have the right perspective as we raise our kids and Gary's back with us today to help us with that your hostess Focus on the Family president and author Jim Daly and I'm John Fuller, John. We had such a good discussion last time with Gary about sacred parenting. He wrote this book years ago but now it's been updated with wonderful content and terrific themes.

Last time we talked about listening, sacrificed guilt and all the stuff that motivates us as parents both negatively and positively. Gary challenged us to think differently about how we raise our children, hopefully toward a more godly orientation.

It's all about launching them. How do we get these kids ready to live their lives in such a way that they honor the Lord. They do well to their fellow neighbor and treat their families right and I'm looking forward to continuing the conversation today and I am to Jim it's can be good, we encourage you to get a copy of Gary's book is called sacred parenting. How raising children shapes our souls and that we also have an audio copy of our conversation from last time. Details are in the show notes or give us a call 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 and we made note of this last time, Jim. We moved from our normal studio set up to a beautiful hunting lodge in Texas.

We were hosted by Bill and Carrie and their dear friends were so grateful for their hospitality sound a little bit different.

Here's how Jim started part two of our conversation with Gary Thomas on today's episode of Focus on the Family John. That was such a great conversation with Gary Thomas that he has such a wonderful heart and good perspectives on family and life and we had a lot of fun at that Texas ranch as well. That's one trip. My boys and I will cherish for a very long time. And if you've enjoyed that Gary's insights I want to encourage you to get a copy of sacred parenting how raising children shapes our souls that we only cover the highlights of the book, and I know you'll find a lot more encouragement for your family in this wonderful resource and you may want to get a copy for a friend or family member. We can send a copy of sacred parenting to you when you make a gift to the ministry here Focus on the Family of any amount. And that's our way of saying thank you for joining us and helping other families donate monthly if you can. Laura one-time gift is deeply appreciated. Either way call and make your donation are numbers 800 the letter a in the word family 800-232-6459 or the episode notes have all the details and when you're online with us. We have a free parenting assessment that takes just a few minutes free to fill out it's can offer you some great insights about what's working well in your relationship with your kids and maybe one or two items to improve as you interact with your kids on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team here.

Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back.

As we once again help you and your family thrive in Christ you ever wonder what it was like to meet Jesus face-to-face teaching is the long-awaited Messiah/all new novel by Focus on the Family, I have called you by name.

Based on the Hicks training series immersed yourself in first century Galilee of his followers want to dive deeper into Scripture with everything Stern learn more about the chosen novel focusonthefamily.com chosen focusonthefamily.com lashed out that