Controlling Your Tongue

Today on Focus on the Family will hear from Deborah forgetting to suggest that what you say matters so I like to give people a challenge to go the next 24 hours don't express any displeasure with anything, not the traffic. The weather is nothing that you can't do anything about the challenge from Deborah Begay and she joins us today on Focus on the Family, your host is focused president and author Jim Daly and on John full John for anyone who's ever said something they've later regretted. This is going to be the broadcast for you going to talk about how to tame the tongue as part one of the hardest things to do and of course it's not the tongue. It's just the deliverer of the message. It's our hearts and what our minds are thinking about the world around us and God wants to get control of that for very good reason. We are reminded throughout the Bible to do everything without complaining or arguing that mandate in and of itself could take us a lifetime to accomplish you mature over time in the Christian community. Call that the sanctification process and you know, with God's help, and the Holy Spirit's guidance we can improve substantially in that area to take control take captive nasty time and actually bless people with it rather than curse people with it here focus. That's what we want to be to you. If you struggle in this area were here for you. Call us.

We have counselors we have resources like Deborah's book 30 days to taming your tongue and that's an area if you need help were here and I Deborah is a certified public accountant Bible teacher, a speaker, and author of a number of books and Jim, you mentioned that 30 days to taming your tongue. I think this is perhaps one of the most convicting topics we covered in chess, it will be way to recover Deborah. Welcome back to focus. Thank you so much.

I'm so excited about this topic. It's so good to have you. You know one thing, and I want for our listeners to better understand. I was so impressed with your your resume and I'm not gonna read everything, but you graduated with an MBA from USC there in Southern California, former VP of MCA Universal Studios venture-capital division. You are a finance person arching mouse up. Yes I am by myself or my mate who make $0.75 an hour. So let's get that in just everything that you've done. You've gone through the John Maxwell training leadership certification. You just have done so much. You are a high achiever learning okay that is good for you and your brain get about like I'm always looking forward to something I love. It is your husband similar in that way. How does he manage your life together complete opposites. We look differently at ways that we always say with different, as we let okay this is good.

So how do you tame your tongue when it comes to your husband not behaving the way you want to do by taking heed. The psalmist says.

He says that I will take heed to my ways that I sin not with my tongue that mentors and one of my mentors always told me she said not losing that tongue of yours.

You got happy to pay attention to it. So she said always stop thinking, pray before you say something like that's outlined in this book has sold over a million, why do you think people have resonated with your message, but I think it's because got a mess and turn it into a message because I think I mean it was is an accidental, but I don't like these that were accidental. What I'm talking about the things of God's I'm going. This is a providential book, but I really messed up until something I wasn't supposed to town being indiscreet. I was just trying to rescue somebody and sell in the backside I was trying to have somebody out Bob Loblaw, it backfired, and she was so upset with me. I decided to go on a tongue fast myself. I'm going to put myself on a plan for 30 days and I'm not to say anything negative now, just try that this is for you as a personal project for me only. I appreciate that vulnerability lot of people say I wrote it for friends and people And I would put signs of at work at was a tongue bath.

That means you come in here don't discuss anything negative. I want to tongue past, people started to be negative.

I can't discuss that and so semi-set got what you write about. No, I believe that was me to work on me. This really is capturing that journey. Now why are we so broadly where we also affected with tongue problems.

I mean, it's so natural for us in our flesh to flesh to say things we regret because we are human and and also because we are not created carbon copies of each other and so we don't always know other people sensitivities you may jokingly say something about my dark skin, you may not know that I like, whatever. You just never know what people's this activity designed so you bound to offend somebody even though you're challenging us for 30 days you started to say, you know. Just try for 24 hours to finish that I think you're going to say it's hard to say that at the end I'll say it now because you can do all 30 of these towns that I've listed in the book. I have 30 negative you want to just try one day I just wake just as if you have trouble telling the whole truth.

You tend to tell half the truth just sent this week I'm gonna tell the whole truth and nothing but I'm not done implies something that's not true.

Here's an example. I tend to run like the thing sometimes and rushing traffic south in traffic. I just sit truth. Truth is a whole lot. Wow that's good yeah so you see some the ladies that we did not like not tell the truth, so we all have negative uses of the tonsil night when I started this project I sent a look of every negative use of the tongue I can find in the Bible. I'm going to find scriptures for that and then I'm going to put a challenge at their to refrain from it. That's what I did. Yeah, and that's good and working to cover some of those one is the know it all tone the people that the know it all. People just want know you have. This will move on to the know it all tone when you just can't even receive from anybody else but every subject that comes up, you have the final word on it. Even if you and Bible study and and there's been a great lesson laid out in your site, but what we have to really remember about all we don't have you anything when we're buying a car because I deliberately like to let people teach me things I just think it makes them feel better. Even if Yorty know a big challenge, especially for man to be the teacher.

Yeah, sometimes we're buying a car, something in and they'll talk down to because I'm the little woman I think is so funny because I am a CPA and else explained that you would interest you the payment has interest and principal. I think that is something I have an MBA schedule in my head and I'll say okay and I just act like that is hard but your case if you choose to because let me tell you why you want to do that is pride you don't mind if I think you don't know something is this pair of appearing to be a no no.

I know that already. That's true that's true.

I think for minutes. Hard to say.

I don't know if I could be blunt, it's hard to say that that is something we gotta get it in the Bible that should be the one in the 30 day challenge of saying I don't know that in marriage. How does this know it all tongue tend to play out the marriage.

Well I tell my mentor tell me when she said when I was engaged to dine out and she was in it, this finding discusses something and she said okay Missy, we know you're smart but don't know everything she said let him know something myself, let them know something, but I know something you jump in the South had been vulnerable just helps it to maturity in Christ to build but the tone and say okay I don't have to straighten him out every time you have to strain anybody you don't have to tell somebody to do that is pride and you okay know the argumentative tallboy always. This one had no no like I my I have relatives that arguing is that Norm okay so that these are your family of origin how you grow up could shape some of these you can become like that you could come become the complete opposite.

I decided I didn't want to be argumentative because I just thought I should have a resolution.

I just got in a circle is argued, and I just never saw them, or to resolve something is okay now this is how we gotta go plot it would just become circular they just going to the next level of an argument and I just think when people do that is because I think maybe feeling insecure about what they do know. I argue that I have a brother would like to argue the Bible the Bible I just tell you what part I embrace that which is all it and if you choose not to. That's true I can, you know, I can understand that. I think you can create an environment of arguing and some people might even say that's a positive because you want to be able to stand on firm ground. You want to build defend your positions and you should defend your faith but you don't have to be mean about it.

That's true and I totally believe that's what's wrong even in politics this last election just split a lot of relationships are right to believe what they want to believe what you believe the way I did, but there's a certain tolerance. The growing intolerance in this regard is both left and right is that it is to go yeah well okay that's a good place to put that argumentative tongue. What about again marriage. Let me apply this here when you have the spouse since the wife or the just the spouse who was just constantly pick a fight.

What you do. What if you're the receiver of that, what advice you have for the spouse to say honey can you stop chewing me up. I'm not processing your speed on the you just killing me. I think I agree quickly with your adversary quickly with some discussion, I will say I hear you getting a feel to that. I'll say I hear if he's putting forth the point and I don't you does not mean I agree with you and me that literally hear you right, but reduces the because The part of resolving an argument is for that person like they've been heard in your validating that point. So I hear he will do that. I hear you and then I can say is agree to disagree. That's what makes us so uniquely different that there is I and I think generally when people say. They do. There is the occasional time when the person being told I hear you knows you not listen when you listen that we and your expressions you you listening you not your head. You did Deborah. The complaining tone. Again, these are societal problems right now we seem to relish complaining all of us. Yeah, it's contagious.

And we gotta be sensitive to that's why I call this a pass out what you become keenly aware of your tendency to engage in these negative behaviors and complaining is so natural. Okay you can be in the market and everybody's is in the bank and the bank of the line is long, whatever. And people still go to the bank I you got ago that I had to send money off of the relatives in distress Walmart. I hate it.

But you know what the complaint is because you have access to resources.

Do you know that half the world lives on less than two dollars a day to have a cup so you gotta become aware of your complaining and I think that we could act the park on this and spend an hour talking about it because it is so easy, so I like to give people a challenge to the next 24 hours don't express any displeasure with anything, not the traffic, not the weather, nothing that you can't do nothing about.

And in the Scriptures. The psalmist as I poured out my complaint before the Lord. If the person you complained to can't do anything about it. Stop talking you all. Here's one that's funny for us.

I remember my first order Focus on the Family was 1989 long time ago and I was on a training mission with another person and we were out and we went to a rental car counter to get the car and that they had no cars and it was just out of a comedy situation and so the person who's training me from Focus on the Family was upset with the agents I will reserve a car why we have a car for me and was a little heated and you get a car and that the person finally brought all the information up on the screen and they said oh Focus on the Family I love Dr. Dobson focus on the family and this person with all great. That's the one that was a great lesson for me to bite my tongue when airline problem I'm trying to always behave myself, as you never know when you're going to say I listen to you on the radio. I sound like a walking Bible. Let me tell you this is like keep me from complaining.

Romans 828 all things working together for my good. It may not look like, but if I stop and tell myself that this delay is working for my good.

This traffic is working for my good guys. But come on traffic, so this will unite.

I get up there to mouse latest in accident well that could've been me that kind cut in front of me and let me down so we can believe that this is a good way to look at the let's go to the self absorbed tone. Let's talk to say with your tongue, but the self absorbed tone what you describing their I'm just not a person is always talking about himself monster not interested in you, you know that what you about your dreams and hopes to just talk about all the wonderful things that happened on my book 30 days to tame the tongue us out a million copies in Denver doing six media interviews and I'm just me me me me to ask you though. At the core that is deep insecurity is more stuff going on there. So how does the person once again go to the spouse you're married to the person you notice as you obviously said yes but how do you begin to say honey. Have you ever really just recorded what you're saying if you ever heard yourself and what you're saying how you go about helping each other grow. I would take the sandwich approach. You always say something positive that you given the meat of the matter and you can say listen I just love that God has blessed you in so many areas and he's just cause you to achieve in so many areas of so many great things happening.

Are you aware the fact that other people may not be as blessed. It may be very endearing to them to hear all about you like that and so you might want to focus on other people asked them questions and he's not self absorbed as part of networking he's learned how to ask people questions to be interested in others as you know they say that I everybody's favorite subject is what themselves so other people I know.

I just focus on me and what I'm doing. I asked them questions you know your background which people love to engage them so we got to watch that so that we can we listen to to be genuinely interested, here's the greatest challenge on earth. When you have children especially cannot just go to the teen years.

That's an important parenting tool how to ask questions of your teenager rather than just and really thoughtful questions about school go today because that's grunt good teacher why would you like about her style. What teacher do you not like them is what we did not then don't be judgmental, but it's for one map listen. You also mentioned a moment ago the half-truth tongue really appreciate all these wonderful tongue twister half-truth tongue elaborate on that little bit more. I like that idea rotation of Scripture calls don't think we like to know just 1/2 half-truth is a whole I embellish that I would just tell the truth that I had to take off of work and take my mom to the doctor only needed IPO hours, but I would just take the message today is my mom to the doctor my mom to the I'm sensing that because I think in the Christian community. We really pour ourselves into this one as we get we think were getting away with what the Lord sees that and he doesn't want that you want honest and straightforward. I guess the question then becomes, are we a culture of struggles with honest and straightforward. We struggle with sin. And if we are not conscious of it, which is why I like the people to go on these 30 day periods of abstinence from certain things because it sensitizes you what you are as a back tongue, especially that we could be we can be less critical we could be less a whole bunch of things and so we tell half-truth understand that is displeasing to God. If you want to read a story like that with Ananias and Sapphire who sold their land and the book of acts, and they set out selling land and donating. It was such a culture that everybody was sharing in a CLE so they told him they didn't sell it but they lied about how much they solidify the Back part of it and got stuck them dead a lot of people to read it while I think that was sent to Pres. to say listen this when I got to not, we need to tell the truth and actually we need to we need the base to check on the trip back to what you're saying your own experiences. Why were you telling half-truths about taking her mom to the doctors mislead people is an intent to deceive before purpose because I think it took all day sat go do something I set my mom to the doctor for three hours I spent the other five shopping to kick it like this is ever voltage is altered really. Every time you hold true, but you always have to look at the intent of the heart. If the intent is to deceive meeting. I want you to think something different than what the reality is you are lying.

That's what it is called a spade a spade.

Just going to be healed be healed of things you conceal in that context of encouragement. You know it's so fun it's almost like giving a birthday present when you can be an encourager just personally that can be a struggle at times because you feel like we need reprimand.

We need course correction, especially if you're in management you're leaving people your have kids at home. There are times when you have to be helping them see the path and given them hope rather than punishment.

Well, giving them hope. It is sometimes it might be putting expectation know that I know you can do better than punishment, but you don't need it would just that well and I just want people to make it in me to hear from you that you know course correction is okay God, that's truth is that something that God wants us to do to encourage each other. Even Paul writes about that to finish the race strongly to rise up to the right standards and when you whenever you can encourage rather than criticize this so critical because it impacts other people's progress when it when you read the story Miriam in the Bible where they criticize Moses and then got struck with leprosy. The whole place came to a standstill they could move.

Nobody can move forward and I say that's a lesson there because when you will critical like that many MPs other people's progress and so you one of the things we can do and in the book I talked about the fact that not only should you refrain from these 30 negative uses 30 waste of I-beam apposite encourage somebody to say yes you can do this to me tell you story. I have a friend who lives whose husband is very mean and I called one day and I said I just want to tell you that your merchandise is good. I I was studying proper starting line and I said, she perceives that her merchandise is good. I will let you know that you have good merchandise and she said she kept that message on her phone like, but ever almost something that she wanted to hear what can a trigger.

Do you use and I guess for temperament reasons. You know you have more negative temperament to a more positive temperament. So the more positive persons can become more naturally. So speak to both of that hat will come to triggered used to say, I'm going to bite my tongue unlocking to say that negative thing I thought of doing this in milliseconds you say something positive and encouraging what what triggered used to make sure here's my trigger.

The Holy Spirit will often tell you don't say that you should like okay you need to stop talking about the mess up. And sometimes I have to tell you I don't always I sometimes I run the light about late especially somebody is not doing a great job and I hate this because I'm thinking it's not brain surgery actually said that.

But I didn't know what a negative impact that handled somebody one of my former employees. IEE lied about his qualifications and he can do the job and I looked at when Dennis well that's like saying that's a cutting remark right with you know that the job would do is give you a tongue lashing that a lot of people said that was reasonable.

Deborah yourself up. I know say how do we need to interpret that it wasn't because there's a logic to that all the put down when you say everybody knows that when you say except you.

Okay so let's back to take back the type of play that forward Howard should okay EP didn't post the receivables right when I was working as a CFO at this place and I set I know I shouldn't said how hard is that.

What aspect of this that you find confusing because I can use that as a teaching moment rather than a moment to beat them out and you don't add this, that obviously confused. What do I need did I not make clear what clarity asked that question.

If I stop and I thought about it and prayed about people I said but sometimes you're so frustrated when your sole goal oriented and that's why when you are a high achiever.

You have to watch your tongue, more probably than anybody else will you think about that. The immediate responses would this be a better world. Think of this would be a better church if we have these principles down talk about the retaliating tongue is that that's one we need the cover here at the very end.

Yes, that's it so easy at all and that spot and especially in marriage. Because retaliating is to return the punishment so you keeping score, you keep us going and he said something to say something I need to return to punishment rather than seeking first understand, so I will win. Deborah know in the passwords never die. And that's what we have to remember words never died last like they can be like shrapnel in that person's brain need to return the punishment you need to seek first to understand once you turn that into an opportunity to say explain what you mean by that was me. The person says something that was mean you need to say you know your tongue really hurt me to be vulnerable to say that that those words really hurt me and I really wish you would think about it next time. If you think about this with so good as this applies to every area of your life and marriage in your parenting in your work relationships in your friendships.

This is a secret to living a blessed life and our relationship. So whether we had worked words you can encourage Abbas and become one of his people will try it it works. I have done this one doesn't like about you and he saw used to me being positive for a reason.

He said oh is a set of Saturday so what's the end of that story well I about to give him a list. I just heard about a guy who was not as his wife needs is mine and and and I wanted to tell him that that I was so appreciate the fact that he was setting him up and will complement closer to complement and and he liked it later, but he said I thought that was a set up so that what a fun conversation with the gay on today's episode of Focus on the Family and I'm sure if you're like me, you've been a little convicted by her message every time Deborah's with this you bring such good biblical insight and wisdom, and practicality. That's why she's one of our most popular guests and you know here Focus on the Family we want to equip you in your faith walk so that you can be a better husband and wife a better dad or mom and were here with biblical answers to your questions and solutions to your struggles.

We also have great resources available to you like Deborah's book 30 days to taming your tongue. In fact, when you make a monthly pledge to the ministry Focus on the Family today of any amount will send your copy as our way of saying thank you for joining us in ministry and if can't commit to a monthly amount we get it will send that to you. For one time gift as well. Your continued prayer and financial support allow us to provide much-needed help to individuals and families.

We couldn't do this ministry without you donate monthly or as you can get your copy of Deborah's book 30 days to taming your tongue. The details are in the show notes or call 800 K in the word family will have a great weekend with your family and your church family as well and plan to be with us on Monday as Col. Allen West encourages us to have a really meaningful memorial sign something to challenge children and grandchildren. I think the greatest challenge is to understand the sacrifices men and women have made throughout history there is a certain man made Calvin for their total life so Jim Daly and the entire team here. Thanks for joining us for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back once again. Hope you and your family thrive in Christ messing up at school can be embarrassing but average boys use to it. He tries failed and tries again thanks to help from his friends, Billy, Jenny and Sarah join average boy in his very first functional novel called average voice above average year. He deals with bullies homework and more following God and showing God's love to others. Check out this book, perfect for the H 12-year-old in your life that average boys.org that way.org