Taking a Health Journey With Your Spouse

I try to just handle it by myself.

But I do not recommend for a while because II believe it likely that it was just my problem but in marriage.

I want to make very clear it's never his problem. Her problem every problem in every strata is our problem. Our struggle is Ashley Willis she's with us today on focus of her husband Dave hostess focus president Dr. Jim Daly, thanks for joining us on John most people know your purpose. We like to talk about marriage. I would say about percent of the broadcast is about marriage and I like that because were trying to do everything we can do to strengthen your marriage and make it the best marriage you can possibly have. And that we realize there's going to be challenges and hopefully you've heard that when John and I talked about our own marriages and other things, a pop up sometimes gene that she said I love you I don't like you right now, which is probably the reason she said it right but we want to equip you to manage that better not always push each other's buttons and that which is not to do that is required in me to do that very naturally with Dean, and I always hate doing some glad you have a couple of folks here to help us avoid estimate button pushing diagnostic is that the guest they are qualified. Dave and Ashley Willis are here, they been on the broadcast before the have insights and some really practical tips for their part of the XO marriage team, which aims to build stronger, Christ centered marriages speaking events across the country. Therefore sons from elementary school to high school and in their spare time. I'm smiling as I say that they overly record and produce podcasts in the right books and writing of other things while they're busy folks of the book that is conforming the foundation for our conversation today is called naked and healthy. Uncover the lifestyle your mind, body, spirit and marriage need.

You can check the episode notes to get your copy or call one 800 K in the word family. Dave and Ashley welcome back to focus. Well, well, it is privileged and I was so excited to start that I couldn't form those first words, absolute privilege so much fun and listen that you know with the XO marriage effort that you have. You must talk to a lot of people. What I was talking about pushing buttons is probably a very common thing right absolutely conferences are like listening marriage can be hard-working Americans awesome and it can be like the best thing in your life have you mines been really easy yes yes you slightly lived apart for 40 years in the oil is that scenario had been very very long, some liking it.

The longer you're married because we see the good the bad the ugly has as many people we see no that's so true. And you know in the book you mentioned that the phrase in sickness and health is probably the most important aspect of the wedding vow now that may be true, actually really think about is that's when a lot of marriages can break down so describe why you picked that particular phrase out of the marriage vows. We've seen it just didn't work we've done in our lives. You know folks when they come to that crossroads.

There's a real health challenge that health challenge can be physical health, mental health can be writing things, but it can create such friction and tension and I actually want. Watched my parents been married for really long time walk to this recently. My dad went through a couple years of very very serious health challenges and it it took their marriage in their faith to a place that it had never been before and the tenderness with which mom really cared for him during that time when he was just hurting in every possible way. It really inspired us, but we've also seen couples that kinda go the other way when that hardship comes. They just think you know what to do with this on my own or you're gonna deal with this on your own, but we've got to get a lien into God and lean into each other in those moments because it's going to happen in some levels can happen all that sure you know it's interesting with that is you describing what I think the character of God in us would display you know as we love each other deeper and deeper over time. When those difficulties come we know how to be selfless, we know how to give.

We know how to treat one another, hopefully, but mentioning that pressure point were some couples go the other direction. What what you think is going on there.

At the core of their difficulty. I got my gas but you guys laid out like they both had different expectations of what it says to look like. I think that's a huge button that is placed on both parts of our somebody expectations are such a killer can be seen as Sunday's parents handle this well and was not sunshine and roses and James where they're both getting on each other's nerves and they're both frustrated that they were always there for each had about leasing a couples where, for example, I remember years ago we were walking through just in the in the ministerial work that we do walking through Canada that a cancer struggle with this couple, and that the wife is going through in issues facing cancer and has been because he just felt so ill-equipped.

He just ghosted her, and he literally did not get appointments.

He would did want to talk about it because if he didn't talk about it. It didn't exist in her mind deeply deeply wounded her and so think that she came through that. But in the aftermath of that she felt like I don't know if I can continue this marriage because in my biggest time of need. My husband wasn't there and he didn't do the things I needed him to do. And so in counseling and we really had to talk through that and and God really in their marriage and really show them that was really expectations and communication issues and he and he apologized over and over again and he's really been there for her that you know we have to decide really beforehand were often face trials and hardships, and a lot of that may be around health but we really need decide now when maybe were not facing that you know how more than handle that like being there for each other.

What kind of expectations. We did have boy it's so good to hear that because I think those are coping mechanisms that we develop during our childhood or somewhere along life right let me move to what you described as three simple rules that are at the heart of what you do to get your pens out there, but phone ready to dictate one of those three simple simple rules for us to have healthy marriages. Well, there probably.

Truth be told, more more than the guy, and I have to kinda boil things down and so we try to blow things down into into things that we can come to grab onto and there are probably hundreds of principles and there are hundreds of principles that are books and overall ministries had but if it comes down to three. I think it's maybe these three and one is that a healthy marriage requires two people were committed to their own personal health mentally, physically and spiritually sometimes and marriage were talking about healthy marriage.

We forget that that marriage requires two individuals who both need to be focused on helping the other be at their best, but also themselves being a good steward of the mind, body and soul. God's given us number to your spouse's health must be a priority for you and your own health must be a priority for you. We talk about this in the book and then three. Your marriage will never be healthier than you are. And we say that we don't mean like when you're going to a diagnosis when you have cancer means your marriage is not healthy because the truth is, your marriage can be strongest in those moments when physically your week with illness because you're leaning on God and leaning on each other were talking more.

In this way about spiritual health and health is a mindset, health is a commitment help saying no matter what comes our way were going to make sure that were focused on being as healthy as we can for one another and April. Do those three things the guy can really move through our marriage in a unique way.

Actually you use on interview. I think of a woman whose husband had died at an early age had a really profound impact on what was really dead yes… It was an interview just on one of the nature new stations and it was this one and you know watching her husband is through a horrible trial. Many eventually passes away, and I remember that this has been told the family he would always tell the family even in this hardship that he's facing he would encourage them and say you can do hard things into the woman. Even after he passed she Cannot Do This on As a Mantra of Sorts for the Family and Would Say That to Herself, Indicating That You Can Do Hard Things and I Remember Watching That Here.

Here's This Family and As a Mom Myself and and a Wife, You Know, I Just Thought Me and That Such a Great Loss to Think That You Can Do Hard Things and and Carry That on with Your Kids in and Just Such Great Grief and Such Great Hardship. Even Because This Non-Faced A Lot Of Hardship after He Passed Just in Trying to Pick up the Pieces and Just Holding onto That Knowing That with God's Help We Can Do Hard Things.

It Just Meant the World to Me Because I Do Think That so Many Times We Are Going through Trials, and We Don't Feel like Maybe Maybe Were Trying to Be Healthy, but Our Body Isn't Cooperating. Or Maybe Our Mind Is Operating.

I Think A Lot Of Times You Know We We Think about Physical Health but Really Mental Health Is a Huge Issue for so Many People and Is a Big Part of My Own Testimony and I Think That Having Someone in Your Life and Even Just Taking on This Mantra Yourself That That We Can Do Hard Things That Yes Hard Things, but We Can Get through It. It Really Is Strengthening You That's That's the Goal Run through This Life.

Loving the Lord, Trusting the Lord Yes Then When Difficulties, Doesn't Shake Your Faith Right That's an Ideal Place to Be Okay Output Goes Both on the Spot so Have You Applied the Neural Lives and to Do Those Hard Things You Mentioned Your Testimony What Was Going on Yes so Years Ago, Fairly Early on Our Marriage I and I Had Some Anxiety and Depression but at the Time I Didn't Really Recognize It As Such. I Just Kinda Chalked It up to Worry and Just Chalk It up to This New Season of Life. But Then with the Birth of Our First Child. It Really Settled in Hearts. I Had Postmodernist Fashion Yeah What What Did It Look like Just to Help Share Women Listening to What Were Those Behaviors like What Was Going on You Brush Them Aside but Actually Came Back to Recognize Them. Yes, That's a Great Question. Well First of All I Just I Did Not like the Commercials for Antidepressants Were There like Do You Not Enjoy Things You Once Enjoyed. Like I Mean, It Sounds Cheesy, but Truly I Didn't Have the Desire to Do the Things That I Really Did Enjoy Doing and I Just Felt like This Heaviness on Me All the Time and with the Birth of Our First Child, I Remember Thinking Where the Feelings Wired the Feelings Coming to Me. I Know I Love This Child. I'm so Grateful to God for This Child but I Don't Have All These Motherly Feelings and These Instincts and What's Wrong with Me That I Feel This Way so That I Let the Lie Said You Start Believing Lies in the Lies I Was Believing Is Well Your Damaged Unit. Clearly Something Is Deeply Wrong with You That You're Not Looking at Your Child Is a Mother Said You Must Be a Terrible Mom Does Horrible Lies and It Would Plague Me When It Got Really Bad and It Was Always like 3 AM When I Would Have the Worst Kind of Depressive Thoughts and Anxious Thoughts.

I Would Think You Know What Dates and Leave You. You Might As Well Just Give Them Permission Because You Are Not the Wife That He Married and If He Really Knew If He Really Knew the Thoughts That You Had, He Would Never Want to Be with You What a Spiritual Battle Was Horrible, Horrible, and I Went and I Just I Make It Really Clear to the Thoughts Are Going on All the Time but Then with the Mental Health Issues. It Manifest in Physical Health Issues. I Would Be Sweating Profusely My Heart Beating outside My Chest and Many Nights I Would Get Physically Ill Because the Toiling and Then I Felt Remember Feeling like It in My Worst Moments Died.

You Know What Have I Done. Like I Mean like We Read in the Bible and in That and You Know When We Hear People Read about People Lamenting I Was like God, What Have I Done.

What's Wrong with Me and I Just If Is This My Life Now like I Remember Thinking This Is Just Life Now and If This Is My Life Now. What Time Mom and My Family and I Want to Keep Unpacking That I Want to Stress Something Truly Important and I Struggled with This Because I Remember Jean and I We Were. She Had a Really Devastating Situation.

Her Family and I Remember Saying, Well, You Know, We Go to Pick Ourselves up. We Got a Cute Movement, What like That Mom You Describe Something and She a Member Should Look to Me. She Said Just Not Everybody's Wired like That I Can't Do That and It Was Kind of an Epiphany and I Want You to Address This When You're Wired That Way You Know When and Your Spouse Is How Do You Come Alongside That Spouse and Slow down and Sit down Emotionally and Just Talk about the Pain Rather Than Fixing It Right. That's Probably the Biggest Question We Get Because You Know Dave. Finally, I Kinda Try to Just Handle This by Myself, Which I Do Not Recommend for A While Because II Believe the Lie to You That It Was Just My Problem but in Marriage. I Want to Make It Very Clear It's Never His Problem. Her Problem Every Problem in Every Struggle Is Our Problem. Our Strata Is Good and so I Finally End in Desperation, Just Having a Really Rough Night.

I Will Day That like Two or Three in the Morning. Told Him What Was Going on through Tears. Barely Any Just Blubbering, Just Barely Able to Get Words out and He Said He Now You Speak More to This Lady, but He Just Said He Felt so Ill-Equipped.

He Was Lying Right and He Said He Didn't Want to Fix It.

He Was like I Just Want to Take the Pain Away and I Just Want My Wife Back. You Know, I Want You to Be You and II Generally Am a Happy Person.

I'm an Upbeat Person and He's like I Don't like at That Point You'd Never Really Seen That Side of Me and We Pride Been Married Five Years at That Point, I Think It Was Scary for Hand like Oh No, and Done What He Did That Help Me with. It Wasn't the Words He Said Per Se. It Was Really the Fact That He Would Look Me in the Eye and It Didn't Scare Hand like I Needed to Know His Last. My Thought Scared Me Right Really Scared and the Fact That It Didn't Scare Him Meant Working to Get through This, like It Really It Really Just Knowing That He Would Look Me. Square and I with Compassion and A Lot and Then Also Just like Crying with Me and Not Necessarily Shedding Tears but Just Feeling Having Empathy Goes Such a Long Way and You Know the Time You Really Didn't Understand What I Was Facing That Years Later He Did Because You Blocked It Yourself and It Brings a Whole New Meaning When You Walk through It. But Even Amount When He Did Understand That Ice Would Encourage Anybody His Walk into This with Their Spouse.

You Don't Have To Be a Major in Psychology or Theology or Have All the Words of the Verses Really Just Being There Praying for Them Whether out Letter in Your Spirit Just Just Letting Them Know That You're Not Leaving That You Believe That God Will Get Them through This Is Huge. Just like the First Pedestal to the Right Direction. Spouse Is with You.

That Helps, David, and That's A Lot There. Let's All New to Do Sakes. I Knew This Was Out Of My Week like on News As above My Pay Grade. But That's the First One Was, but I Also Knew I Had Had an Opportunity and Responsibility and a Privilege to Be Present with Her in This and so I Just Reminded Her over and over Again. God Is with Us in This and I'm I'm with You in This Known That the Bible Says Love Is Patient and Working to Be As Patient As It Takes and You Know I Can't Be the One to Fix This, but God Is to Fix It in His Timing and Working Together Walk through This and Working to Learn Everything You Want Us to Learn in the Process and This Is and How It's Always Good to Be He's Gonna Lead Us to a Place of Healing and and He Eventually Did. And Now That Aspect of Ashley's Testimonies Help so Many Others, and It's Helped Shed Light on the Fact That so Many People Have Moments of Darkness and Pain and Depression and Anxiety and Are Not Alone and Are Not Being Punished by God, and They Haven't Done Anything Sinful to Bring This All in Most Cases It's Just It's Something That There Dealing with the Gods Can Help Get Them through. And If You're Married to Someone Is Going to Do That. Don't Let Them Face It Alone Just Let Them Know I'm Here for You. I'm Not Going Anywhere and Were Going to Get This Together. When I Think You Would Reinforces Don't Cocoon Absolute, Whichever Position You're in Your the One Affected Emotionally. Don't Hide Get That out on the Table for the Spouse of the Person Engages the Salon Morning Is Far Better Way to Do It Isolated Just like the Word Says When the Enemy of Our Soul Isolates Us Trouble Happens. Yes, Dave and Ashley Willis Are Our Guest Today on Focus On The Family with Jim Daly and I Were Covering A Lot Of Territory in Their Book, Naked and Healthy. Uncover the Lifestyle Your Mind-Body Spirit and Marriage Need That We Do Encourage You to Get a Copy of This Book or Call Us and Requested Time for a Free Consultation with One of Our Counselors or Numbers 800 K in the Word Family and the Details Are in the Episode Notes Dave Ashley, Them on This One Minute Ago. You Also Found Yourself in Some Difficulty. Can You Describe Them How Ashley Responded to You Wasn't Helpful She's She's the Most Helpful like She's Wisely Said before and I Love That She's Had a Strong Marriage Rarely Has Two Strong People at the Same Time, Usually Husband-And-Wife Taking Turns Being Strong for Each Other in the Monastery. Others Week and She Has Been the Strong One, 95% of the Time, so That That One Season She Describes One of the One of the Opportunities I Had and I Did Count As a Privilege to Be Strong for Her.

In Those Moments.

Even Though I Still Was Out Of My League and Completely Unsure of What to Do. I Knew If I Could Just Be Present and Be the Place Where She Can Lean in the Place Where She Feels Safe Then That I Would Be Doing My Part As a Husband, but She Said That for Me over and over Again a Variety of Different Things but Fast Warning. More Recently, Health Challenges, I Kind of Thought Never to Have Health Challenges Right on and I Never Would Go to the Doctor Loose in Your Mind. Then Something Happened. She's I Guess I Need a Doctor and I'm like I Hate Going to Dr. Phillips and Clipboard over and over Things about All That Last Time in Its Smells Weird and They're Going She's like Well You Need to Go. I Feel like Something Is off and I Might Others Often Just Distress, Methods, and so Eventually She Said You Not Made an Appointment for You to Say the Doctor and I Was Offended like a Grown Man. My Counterpoint Was I'm Not Going so There I Was Tuesday.

The Doctors What My Life It Has To She's Usually Almost Always Right and She Was Right about This and They Did Some Blood Work and Long Story Short, They're like Oh You Know Kind of Stuff Wrong and I Data My Thyroid.

It Stopped Working. I Don't Even Know What the Thyroid Was This Thing in Your Neck. If You're Interested You Can Google It Does A Lot and so I Had to Learn about All That and Because of That My Hormones Were off My Testosterone Was Really Low Which Which Impacts Everything from from Energy Level to Sex Drive and a Bunch of Other Stuff to and I Was Just off like She Was so Right.

She Had Wisely Seen My Blind Spot and Said You Know You Need to You Need to Do This, They'll Be at Your Bessemer Love You No Matter What.

I Feel like Their Solutions We Could Take so That's Kind of Put Me on a Long Journey of Trying to Get Those Things Right and It Hasn't Been Easy and I've Been Frankly Have Been Moody and I've Been Just Just Kind of What You Have Mentioned Mood Because That Was a Big Part of the Elegance of the Counseling Is Charged by the Couch. I Could Lay on His Credit. Like If You Look Kind of the Thyroid That Your Engine It Can Send You into Depression. It Can Even Give You 90 and There's A Lot Of These Different Things and We Educate Ourselves and As Your Wife and Me.

I Wanted Educate Myself so I Can Best Support You and Really I Just Remember Especially When He Would Have Moments of Anxiety, Depression.

I Counted It As a Privilege to Just Help Dave and What I'd Learned to My Own Journey Exactly What That Can Manifest Slightly Differently in Men and Women in A Lot Of Times with Lynn and You See Little Bit More of the Sadness and the Crying with Men and This Is Very Generally Speaking, It Can Look a Little Different Person. A Person with Mandate Often Manifests Itself in Anger and It Was an Angry Season for Dave and Any Anger to That You'd Be like, I Don't Even Know What's Causing Seen Only When You Can't Really Point to an Actual Not to Discount Anger.

But like You Can't Point to Something You Know Something Chemically Letters Moments Were. I'd I Would Just Be like All Worked up to Be like Explain Me What's Wrong Because I Really Start Thinking about It, I Might Well I Don't Know but I'm but I'm Still Really Good Indication Know When You're Trying to Identify Signs You Know What's Going on When Something Is Out Of Balance. Just like the Word Says Right When Something Is Out Of Balance in Our Need to Step Back and Have Will Be per Discussion and Talk about What's Going on Elementary Yes and Bring in Professionals like Go to the Doctor.

Go to a Christian Counselor and in My Own Journey I Had to Do This and I Think One of the Biggest Things I Would Tell Anybody Listening Who Maybe Is Experiencing a Physical, Mental or Even Spiritual Health Crisis. You Know It's a Process, It Generally Speaking I Could Take It Away and in a Minute If He Wanted to and He You Know We Have Accounts of This in the Bible, but Most of the Time It's a Process Where He's Growing As He's Hearing As Were Learning A Lot on the Journey and I Think If We Remember That It's Not Gonna Just Happen Overnight but It's a Process That He Never Wastes Our Pain.

That Alone Kinda Brings Us in Peace in the Midst of This, Yeah and so Often. You Know Simple Things Are What You Need to Think about. You Have a Story in the Book about Your Boys Building a Ford Kept Blowing down. Yes, Describe What You Help Them Probably Yourselves Learn about What Was Going on You to Send You Lot Next Door House and in the Kids Anything to Get off Screens and Michael Just Gone Play That Empty Lot so They Start Building This for in the Empty Lot but before Falling Back.

It Was Uneven Ground, and Every Time the Wind Would Blow through It Just Glowed over and I Cycle This Could Be a Teaching Moment. Even Though I Know Nothing about Engineering Tools. She Is Way Better Tools Than Me or Dad Can Fix Anything. She Thought All Men Were like That That She Married or Broke My Toolkit Was like It Child's Fishing Tackle so Small She's the One with Tools but I Did Know This Is like Listen Because It Needs a Strong Foundation and I Told Him the Story That Jesus Told about Building Our Life with a Strong Foundation Reader to Build on the Rock Which Represents God's Word in His Trousseau When the Storms Come.

The Storm Is Good to Be Able to Break That Foundation or You Can Build It with No Foundation on Shifting Sandwiches like Building Our Lives on All the Fickle Things of This World like Right Now That for Is Built on the Sand Has No Foundation, and We've Got to Give It a Strong Foundation and so We We Kinda Shored up the Foundation.

Sure Enough That You Know We We Built a Little for That Actually Actually Lasted Two Years of Front I Was Literally Surprised Work so so so Jesus Is Constructions Instructions Work Just like All the Things He Told Her Everything You Taught Us True, but It Was Also a Life Lesson for Us. I Think Sometimes in Our Lives. We Get so Busy That We Forget the Foundation Part like What Just Get on with It. You Know, Because Foundation Takes Time and It's It's Hard and It's Not Glamorous but with Stuff Coming up with the Walls Are Coming up Outlook Schools. We Want to Start with That in Marriage and Life. We Got a Come Back to the Foundation That Is so Good in One of the Things You Stress in the Book, but I Want to Make Sure We Get into the Matters and I Think It's Affecting Younger People. Younger Couples Disproportionately to Us Older Folks, but This Idea That You Going to Merge with 1 Foot out the Door Because so Many Marriages Are Failing.

Maybe Their Own Mom and Dad's Marriage Failed.

I Hear That, Unfortunately, Too Often in Christian Homes and I Get It. But You Know the Effect on Young People in Their 20s and 30s Were Looking at Getting Married the Cancer Well, You Know, Let's Give It a Try but They're Not Fully Committed. That Is Terribly Dangerous It Is and You Know We See It All the Time and It's Just I Do Think It's the Narrative That Were All Surrounding within Our Society, and You Can't Really Trust Anyone Right – That's the Lie That We Are Believing Is Willing Going and You Can Never Really Know Somebody. I Got Here That All the Time That's on Shows like the Sun Is Popular Shows Are.

You Never Really Know Somebody, so You Can't Really Trust Them, and I Was Reminded of This Years Ago When a Dear Friend of Ours.

It Was Actually Her Second Marriage and and As She Was Getting Ready to Go down the Aisle, Her Mother Takes Her Aside and Says You Have That That Secret Bank Account at You Because You Know That the Odds of This Working out Are Not in Your Favor, Your Exit Point I out and She Said in That Moment Because She Trusts Her Mom and Her Mom, You Know Her Mom and Been through A Lot Of Relational Issues Herself and and Just Didn't Know She Could Trust a Man She Cannot Put That on Her Daughter and so in the Beginning of Their Marriage. She Had That She Had That Secret Account and She Was 1 Foot in the Door. 1 Foot out and for the First Three Years.

It Just Wasn't Working and She Realized It and Kind of Reading Marriage Books and and Seeing What God Really Says about Marriage That She Was Not Land and That She's Unit If You're Expecting It to Fail.

It's Going to Fail like I Make Interest Expecting for the Shoe to Drop Your Expecting Them to Not Hold up Their End of the Bargain, Then You're Not Really Working on the Marriage Are Not Really Putting Your Whole Heart in There and Even When We Mess up Which We Will We Need to Go to Them and Not Not Let That Get If That Whole Not Act like It's Not There Not Avoid the Problem but Go to Each Other and Say Listen, I've Messed up Here I Need to Do Whatever I Can to Regain Your Trust to Get the Help That That We Need Whatever That Path Is That Really Work to Be All and All the Time. That Is Excellent.

Certainly Better Than You Really You Know, One of the Things Were Not Enough Time to Get to Some People Just Need to Order the Book Basically but You Do Encourage Couples to Make the Most of Every Moment, and You Give Great Examples in the Book, Tease It That Way Because Were Out Of Time, but Man, Dave and Ashley. This Is Been so so Good and for You the Listener.

I Mean, This Is like Basic Marriage 101 Stuff. Don't Going to Merge with 1 Foot out the Door in This Great Resource Naked and Healthy Will Help You Really to Concentrate on Those Very Aspects of Who You Are, Your Physical Well-Being Your Emotional Well-Being and Your Spiritual Day and You Want All of Those Things Really Hitting the Right Tone so That Your Marriage Can Be Healthy Through And Through and I Want to Get a Copy of This Resource and What We Do Often Is Just Make a Donation to Focus for an Amount Will Plow All of That Right Back in the Ministry. It's Not Paying a Shareholder of Some Big Mail-Order Place but All That Goes Right Back in the Ministry Helping Marriages, Helping Save the Baby's Life Is Always the Same Thing. Contact Us Today to Get a Copy of This Great Book Naked and Healthy Also to Schedule Time with the Counselor's Website to Get Free Marriage Assessment As Well.

Numbers 800 K in the Word Family 800-232-6459. The Links Are in the Show. Dave and Ashley. Good Stuff. Privilege and Thank You for Joining Us Today for Focus On The Family I'm John Fuller Inviting You Back Next Time and Help You and Your Family Thrive in Christ. I Am Jim Daly the Supreme Court Will Soon Make a Significant Decision on Abortion.

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