Saying the Right Thing When Your Child Misbehaves (Part 2 of 2)

Sometimes we need to have our own internal threat is divided on that and then camp and sometimes the internal think that I have been in the store and make it their not behaving in their behavior is not a reflection of it's not a reflection that so good.

Remember, your child's behavior is not a reflection of your parenting skills. That's a reminder from Emberley you hear more from her today and also when he speaks, and offer some practical responses that you can have for when your child misbehaves, including prepared scripts.

This is Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller and your host is focused president and Dr. Jim Daly. I like that idea. Prepare John.

It's almost like the battle plan parenting you that you're the general you're the parent you that plan together to think about how this is going to go and usually when you have that kind of plan it goes far better than when you don't. And last time we had a great discussion about the parenting scripts which is the title of the book were talking about last time and today. If you missed it, you got a good bedtime battles you have in any of those. This will help or sibling rivalry or disobedience.

What parent doesn't experience this Christian or non-Christian. And that's one of the wonders of the great topics we cover here today we want to delve in the more of those topics and give you those tools to help you do the best job you can do in raising your kids. Why so they can honor the Lord. I mean that's the goal here draw closer to him have a life of commitment to him and love you as their parents along the way. What parent doesn't want that your focus.

That's our goal. It's that simple. And so grab that cup of coffee or tea, sit back, let's have a great discussion about parenting more effectively and if you didn't get a chance to listen last time please just stop by the website and get the instant download and copy of the book focusonthefamily.com/broadcast so I said I guess her Emberley and Wendy speak in their busy moms have I think seven boys between the two, and they live in California. They've written a great book Jim. You mentioned the title parenting scripts. The subtitle is when what you're saying isn't working. Say something new makes a lot of sense. Why is it so hard for us as parents to do that, ladies.

Welcome back to Focus on the Family being bonded. There were so many questions emails. It was great and were coming back again today. Let's start with that idea of the script is being prepared.

What is it give us that practical definition. What does your parents cripple a client. I think it was a season where I said the only thing on consistent that is being inconsistent, and I think that sometimes parenting is like throwing spaghetti in a while to see what sticks. I got stuck and that like we talked about bedtime battles and naptime and one day you crawl into bed and tickled her back and fell asleep within the next year he threatened him. The next item annexed to San Clemente consistency anything that I've wanted to do well in my life. I had to have a plan and yet every day we wake out. Then we go at it again and come evening and you're crying about how you were blaming and shaming and negative with them in heaven. And nasty face Adam and just east but she didn't prepare to do it any differently than you did today for an extra member and not even share this with you here at last year with you that I remember my has been one night just got a bad that's mercies are new in there waiting for you tomorrow.

I cried at him pick up those new mercies and do the exact same thing I did today and that was when the switch started to flip for me is if I want to do something different tomorrow than I have to do something different differently because were so surprised were surprised that they do wrong even though they did the same wrong instantly and I'm surprised doing wrong, even doing the exact same wrong things or variations of the wrong things and we we use that term stuck in Iraq last time and you did he just get into this well worn pattern of wrongdoing and one thing that Amber and I sent off and as our kids are going to do wrong and we can still do right, but you've got to prepare to do right when your kids do wrong and in preparing to do right when you get the wrong you're actually modeling right for them in your inviting them up into right living and so this is really our invitation to say okay were going to focus on the kids in this book to you. But we want to invite you to focus on right responses and invite them into right responses on I oftentimes think of that verse on it says create in me a clean heart of God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me, cast me not away from your presence. Take not your Holy Spirit from me.

But then he goes on to say and then I will teach transgressors your ways, and so often. I think parents we want to go straight into teaching transgressors. There ways that we don't first come to God and say okay. Create in me a clean spirit, do a work in me. God let me down, sit down and let you do that work at the me and then this is a new day, you got new mercies for me now. Now that I'm right with you to me how to respond right when they do wrong. The foundation of all of the scripts really is that I am not able to respond rightly when I'm empty, spiritually and sell. That's plenty scary thing we have to go to the Lord ourselves as parents and say Lord I keep saying and doing the wrong things. I need your help so we start there in a create that clean heart in me you help me to be full spiritually so that what flows out of my mouth is coming from a heart that's filled with your loving kindness and your fatherly example to me as I mother or father my children is one of the clear things are your slaves go to find some time busy mom displays the bed to certainly busy mom run around doing everything maybe working outside the home as well as with the kids.

I make time even if it's 10 ministers to stay in the word is a word I'm hearing that quite clearly go to get that restorative Tony only apply that to your parenting right that you're not default as I can feel overwhelming to her so much. I'm trying to get done everything. Think of all the household stuff, plus the kids plus try to find 1050 minutes to settle my heart with the Lord that can be hard and good about these parenting scripts is they are really consumable you there shortly. Kind of pithy statements. They're all based in and related to some Scripture you know so they have that biblical context, and they're not hard for us in the heat of the moment to remember and were called in all of them really there just a springboard for parents. I use some of the ones that Wendy has written verbatim often is the right moment with my children. I them over and over again, which is your favorite line to use that that I use all the time of Wendy's is, your heart should be so full of all the yeses I've given you that when we talked about interest and then you do you which is another one. Maybe we can talk about. That's what people I'm sure on the edge of their site.

Mom's and help me let's go this way. Amber at one point or another, or child is going to say something that hurts our feelings as moms you know I don't love you. You never do it right, whatever it might be mom and so on. The boy, this is my favorite. If you spent every moment listening.

Gets this the right at the heart level. Moms want not only to love and to an urgent they want to be loved and when that little child or the tween or teen says that cutting boom. It just cuts you to the clinic.

I mean when you hit because after all, his parents you've given them so much. You know you poured your life and you provide for you try to do the right thing and then this one moment, they'll tell you that love you and know that they're not you that you're not a good mom. They wish they had somebody else's their dad or whatever those things can really wound a mom or dad and I member very vividly a moment when my son said some of those kinds of things to me and I immediately went to this place. How could they see that to me in the next moment I had a flashback of Amber. You said the same things to your mom knowing you and your team when you are a toddler you said the same kinds of things and I remembered I didn't really mean them. I was just so frustrated and so my parenting scripts not mom amounts unless well, I don't think you mean I don't think you mean, and it really. I could see his body just from the site right out and he was relieved because he didn't know how to say what he wanted to say he was frustrated and angry and upset, but he really did still love and care for me and I knew that I needed to run this sort of that personal martyr victim piece from my parenting and that emotion and just remind myself and him son. I don't think Amy I think you really do love and care for me but I understand that you frustrated right now so let's both take a break and come back together.

Maybe in a few minutes when we can be calm and we can talk this out and figure out a plan for moving forward of the conflict is instead of then getting embroiled in a battle of words and me wounding him back and him wounding me and me licking my wounds that wasn't to do any of it either of us anything.

November 1 of the things you said there that I caught was this idea that you're raising centers. We tend to forget that we have a high level of expectations, Christian parents, particularly our kids because there are kids and we walk with the Lord will be better soon and they are sinners and we forget that or we don't know how to translate that.

That's also one of your scripts when your children seven. It's not if it's when it's part of this life and the irony is, we try to keep them from the bad behavior rightly, but the Lord will use sin in their life to teach them as it's a great Scripture of suffering leading to endurance leading to character, leading to help.

Sin has a role in shaping us hopefully for good and not for ill. So what about that next script of the children and children sent when they sent him. Not that that's one of my favorite conversations because this is really the heart of what I long for. In my child's life.

Salvation and what it dawned on me one day you cannot have salvation without sin. You cannot have the gospel of Christ at work in our lives without sin.

So if you go through those verses that all of us have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God and the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life, and that we need to confess our sins, and he will be faithful and just to forgive us. This is the gospel, we want salvation for our children. We just don't want them to do anything that requires them being saved. We we don't want him to mess up. We want them to avoid the pain of it.

The embarrassment that we want and not to sin. And yet it's only through sin that we receive forgiveness and that really helped me and I'm glad that I learned when I did write on the brink of my oldest becoming a teenager because if you have older children, you know that they sit in their little that is bigger and bigger their sins get kinda sin here. You know me feel more adult the pain they know they're rational now right after about 10 they've got really good skills right and I remember that day I realized that my being there for my child when they sent was a pre-what I should of. This is one of the stories we have to be careful of details because he's older and it is better to tell you we got a call from school and he did something bad. He wrote a bad word on the side of the desk. I never even heard my child, say a bad word right I not heard anyone say a bad word while I was with my child right and on that I gave to Babette and if there is one and I went and I picked my husband actually is the one that got the call from school and he called me because he was out of town said you need to pick him up and coming and I'll be hunched in our cell. After you guys get home. Don't even talk to him about it. Let me so I picked him up and I was shocked, of course, and he gets in the car. I said we'll talk when you get on. It wasn't till I let you wait till your father gets him it was a we need to get here to talk this through and he just started crying in the car. I need to talk. Now I need to talk now, and I'm not ready. So we went home, he went to his room and close the door behind him and he was weeping and he kept saying mom, this is too much for me to handle alone. I get choked on them.

I remember it, and I remember it hitting me his privilege to walk with my children through sin to forgiveness and I know that many of your listeners. They have little ones and but if we can catch that vision when they are young. There must be sin for them to experience forgiveness. So one of the things I said to Caleb when I did go in less. Do you remember the day that you accepted Jesus as your Savior. He said I remember it so clearly he was four and he told me the story as a 14-year-old. He looked back and told that story and I said yes and your members but you did that day. That was so sinful he said. I yelled now and I kept getting out of bed at naptime. I said okay let that lesson a really awful cinnamon.

It felt bad in the time this like if there's a ranking. This is your right. But that you are forgiven for four was just a picture of all that God had already forgiven you for not moment so this is already been forgiven. For now you get to rededicate your heart to accepting the salvation that Christ came to bring and then you get to allow that to transform your behavior and to walk like it's true.

And you know tears on both of us.

We got to accept forgiveness that Christ given to him and what a joy to have that privilege with my child in our home, and yet man, don't we just want to blame and shame are kids will do wrong we do and part of the issue. There is wonderful.

You have the heart of response that not every child will have that unit may be in the presence of the Holy Spirit is hard to build a convicted responded because it had that they know there's the conviction that weight of what I done. What have I done that when we were prepared for this script way to end your script might even be a reminder to yourself. This is sin. I need sin, to lead into forgiveness. But when we are not ready to understand what sin is we come running in with our barrels just and Adam right and we usurp we thwart the teachable moment because becoming angry at their sin and God says so clearly it is the kindness of the Lord that is led us to repentance. Could it be the kindness of a mother yes space is the Lord of the Holy Spirit to lead my son to repentance membership so much the view of perspective that Emberley and witty speaker bring to us today on Focus on the Family a lot of covering is in the book parenting scripts when what you're saying isn't working. Say something new.

We've got that book and a CD or download@focusonthefamily.com/broadcast or call one 800 the letter a and the word family to make a donation and to get those resources we mention silence and I want to make sure recapture that the power of it. Certainly, age-appropriate, slowly but there is power in silence and not the silent treatment. I think we all know that in marriage is not healthy either. But sometimes you go there for whatever reason, protection, etc. but speak to the silent side of it and how I can work with the Holy Spirit and but it's hard as parents because we do want to lie prone to support this and lots of words every day and lots of words every time they do anything even remotely wrong and I'm a communicator. It's what I do and so my kids get lots of communities that I learned that my kids are smart kids know when they've done wrong.

They know actually what a better response would have been that usually why they're defensive. Five. Yes, I would just be quiet and I call it assignment script and I can do it in the car when the kids are just the chapter.

If there is a safe place. I can pull over and parked the car and she would throw it over my shoulder at them or anything like that. Just wait and maybe there are a few words because I just cannot wait to you guys can and calm it down and bring it down in the car and just wait because they need immediate help and that their behavior in the car is wrong. They don't need me to tell them when they been disrespectful to me. They don't need me to tell them that they have dishonored their father or been rude to their brother. They actually know it when I give them a chance to experience what I like about that is your teaching them self regulation right as I think one of the mistakes the parents may God made it over parent yes and they're waiting for you for the direction right about us right another like it. Mom goes into a big lecture I'm making it about me and I kids can be mad at me in a really good thing about the wrong doing. Okay, let's move to another one is remarking these numbers 30 in the book really cover what you say they are very short chapters because he recognized that this is speaking of smart kids.

We got smart moms and dads that read this as soon as we say bedtime battles that they know exactly what that read like we'll need to paint a picture and we say in our home. Here some the things this is what God's word says so they are you know there are a couple pages and the applicable pointer is really cover like six or seven today. Let's get so I want to assure putting enough out there that the parents get a handle on it again is John so just contact us to get the book or go to the website, etc. so the next one is when their tone of voice was angry, rude or whiny that we've never experienced this angry router one. It's so true there's lots of reasons for that is many reasons for being angry mood or whiny.

You know that I think common common issue and so many home today and really again it's about as parents having plan, having self-control so that we don't just get totally exasperated Remi whiny real tone of voice is exasperating. I just throw my hands up in the air like I can't even have a normal conversation with you because you're not speaking to me in a normal trigger. It's a trigger pushing your buttons and that's what we say that's right so it is right felt for me have to say to them again. Pause for second place on how could you say that differently unit with a smile and tone of my voice and gentle smile even on my face and how can you say that differently because he knows I'm here I'm ready to listen. I want to hear what his grievance may be or his week last or whatever thing he wants to try to express about his template to be by if I allow him to keep being whining and complaining in red then he's in a continue to be whiny complaining and read or if you darling if you join him in the lining why they got worse because again I'm trying to model for my children yet. Good coaches do know they set them up for success. They model things they train them and so I take all of these moments as these modeling moment so I say to him sign. How could you say that differently. How could you soften your voice I and sometimes there really worked up so the first thing I will say it can't breathe. I'm listening.

But how can you say that differently. And sometimes they're still in such a to think they don't even know how differently so I will help them to outthink.

Did you mean to say it like this and then I will say it in a very nice respectful tone of voice with nothing I say when you say it like this, then I can hear you and we can have a solution together. That's good. I think I've defaulted on that. I've never considered repairing coal to do over the site so I will ever try to do a do over again comes about not just about words you know, if I say all right guys this Friday night movie night dad got a movie queued up and the boys cannot at wherever they are, and they start fighting over you know that see that you have like the one seat in the family room that like the best seat for watching the movie and they immediately dog screaming and this was supposed to be a wonderful experience, do over that and I will actually say everyone back to your rooms and you can even say with a smile that didn't work or that are waiting whining. There will say to that for any parent that is feeling like overwhelmed that I never say the right thing. I'm feeling so guilty right now. This script applies to us, myself in the middle level responding wrongly and brutally to my own child and said wait a minute. I'm sorry for speaking to you that way.

I need to stop for a second and try again. You know, and so it's a script that I apply to myself often and it fits with were renewed into this and that is the negative self talk that we would do as moms, particularly, but that's true. But your moms have an incredible capacity for negative self talk is her own so much in the field you chose this one to talk about and one thing that I found my own life is that when I have negative self talk. Those negative words come out of my mouth a tumble out of my mouth and I remember once folding clothes and the words and this is embarrassing to confess but I hate this embarrassing. I met like I hated all yeah I don't need the laundry like I hate this experience that I'm having right now as their mom once a month or sooner if my internal conversation with myself. I hate this.

Then when they come in and need something from me I can't have external words that aren't laced with. I hate this and so when my internal words change the privilege and I'm tired. But I will not grow weary in doing good in due season I will reap a harvest. Let me ask you because it is so good what's under that the I hate this and what is really exhausting their weariness, but I just needed to change my mind about what this is. This is raising little people to grow up to be pig people who love the Lord and love others. Well that's that script the bigger script for all of us as parents. What would that look like to stay encouraged and not given all of that. We talked about the last couple days not to jump in the rent on the sublime Remi. It's been one. This is a privilege it is my job to be a parent.

It is their job to be a child and it's okay they are doing their job. When Britt do wrong and they need me to do my job to do right and I can do that with the help of the Holy Spirit is okay to say that there's a I internal loop than the words that come out of my mouth when my kids do wrong is guys I love you but I'm not gonna fight you, and to keep in mind to as parents and as kids. This is not the end of our story.

This moment is not the end of my story, this is not the end of my child story and may feel really hard right now. I may feel kind of stuck but it's never the end of our story when we have a God that can do exceedingly abundantly beyond all we could ask or imagine. We really believe that or not we should be asking the Lord to strengthen our hearts so that we really believe that about the Lord that he is able he is willing he is a very present help in trouble. This is not the end of our story ever.

As long as we have a God that is with us and watching us and helping us there's always hope. And he says I'm in a do new things and we get to say okay got so prepare me. What are those new things. How can I partner with you and those new things and anything isn't working is not something that's so good everywhere would bespeak authors of the book parenting scripts man. Thank you for doing this like you for writing these simple things down but give us a different track to run on when things are working. That's what we talked about. And if you need counseling were here for you if you need a copy of the book which I think everyone of us those whose raising kids right now. Contact us or Focus on the Family so we can get it in your hands yes and when you do get in touch. Please consider a generous donation to the work of Focus on the Family and today, when you make a monthly commitment to support her work on an ongoing basis will send a copy of parenting scripts to you is her way of saying thank you for that financial commitment by the way, if you're not able to budget enough to be a multi-supporter, we can send that book to you for generous one-time gift of any amount.

Either way, we want to make sure you get a copy of this excellent resource. Make your donation and get parenting scripts or even speak to a counselor if you're up against. It's really hard.

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