A Countercultural Template For Being A Good Father

Recall that God is our model were called to be pneumatic to leave the world behind and and really hard to find out this is family policy with NC family Pres. John Rustin thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters today in anticipation of Father's Day, which is June 18 were going to be discussing the importance of fatherhood and some practical ways for men to understand the love of God and then apply that love to being a better father. Our guest today is Dr. Gregory pop Jack who is a psychotherapist and executive director of pastoral solutions Institute and internationally known marriage and family. Expert radio host and author of more than 20 books. Dr. Kupchak drew on decades of counseling experience as well as his own experience as a father to write his newest book bead attitudes eight ways to be an awesome dad which we will be discussing today Dr. Patek welcomed the family policy matters. It's great to have you on the show.

Well, it's our pleasure, no Dr. Patek. We know that one of the greatest tragedies of our present-day society is the breakdown of the family. We see it. Unfortunately, on a daily basis.

Much of this has been driven by the absence of a father in the home, but I know that you have talked about a sense of family loss even in circumstances where a father is physically present as we begin our discussion today talk about that little bit if you would we become lost a sense of family and society we we can think of. Family is more of an accessory of an activity is something that we have worked out so it was certainly not that long ago, generation or two where we really thought of family life as a place of socialized parked our kids know where we got together for working together praying together playing together talking together, and then if we did any other activities benefit around family activities while now what's happened because of the divorce culture and and so many families are broken up in society.

We really see that if the society's job to socialize kids so we have our kids enrolled in 20,000 activities on a Wednesday night to make sure that they can just be normal and healthy and grow up to be able to do stuff you have that sense of family as activity has been lost. So we end up with the families that are defining themselves a bunch of people living under the same roof, ensuring a data plan and set of people directly creating a life together so very true to who he and I think there are a lot of listeners who can probably relate. I know Dr. Patek that we see so many different family structures in our culture today.

What is so unique and important about the role of fathers in those families and a lot of really interesting ways to answer the question I want to start with a really fundamental principle which is that the fathers and mothers really do bring different things to the table even just in terms of of how our physiology affects our kids development. For instance, there was some really interesting studies recently on on wrapup Sally likable Rollins wrapped with humans well because their higher order mammals their brains work. Similarly, any way to how human brain works and you can extend finding that you get from the kind of research to human interaction as well and what we been able to see in these studies is that when I went up when a mom rat is present to her pops that actually stimulates the pups brain in a way that the teachers that bring how to down regulate from stress so threat stressed that present mom helps but wrapup be stressed but if up if a dad rat is present to his wrapup. It actually stimulates the brain in a different way. The teachers that babies brain to down regulate from aggression so that if that wrapup is more aggressive than the presence of a loving heart, attentive father enables the brain to learn how to calm down from aggression and NU, we see that come anecdotally in the culture where father with fatherlessness has led to real chronic issue with the male aggression drinking violence or increase violence in urban settings where you see that lack fatherlessness and likely think it's not unreasonable to extend that out.

The reality is fathers and mothers do bring different things to the table. Not just because of cultural or social programming, but physiologically for who we are and how we actually affect the development of our children's brains, Dr. Patek, what you think is the most challenging part of fatherhood today considering some of the issues we talked about the pressures the things that didn't involve for our time and attention in our culture today. I think the biggest issue is that there isn't anything to really look at to give us a good template for what I thought good father really does. They are our culture.

Since a lot of different messages for everything from fathers are needed at all like the old covenant slogan that women need a man like a fish to the bicycle right you even though it's an old saying that the reality is that the still relevant and a lot of men feel that that sense of obsolescence and of course you have left the different models work culture presents fathers as idiots as incapable of being fathers or knowing how to have a marriage or family life. And then we grew up in homes where but that's our present. We have to make up our own really good template the following. Honestly, that's one of the reasons I wrote the bead attitudes eight ways to be an awesome dad talk about your new book. The book has an interesting format. Each chapter really discusses one of the Beatitudes as it relates to a man's relationship with God, with his wife and with his children, and then you all for questions to reflect upon it the end of each chapter, I want to learn more about why you selected the Beatitudes as really the structural context for a book about fatherhood. When Jesus gave the sermon on the mount.

He was presenting a very countercultural vision of what Christianity ought to look like about what Christians a little Disciples of Christ ought to look like in their daily lives, everything for them to really radically different idea of what fulfillment requires from us, but if were going to live the Christian life. We gotta start with what our Lord gave us as that that blueprint for living differently and and so that's can apply to everything you know those Beatitudes don't just apply to how I think or how I approach worker society.

It approaches my relationship with the reorder. How I think about my most intimate relationships with my spouse with my children as well.

And so in just thinking about that I did it just occurred to me that it would be a really good idea to look at what do the Beatitudes have to say about my fatherhood and fatherhood in general and building on that as you said that it did lead to assertive this triptych structure to the chapters where the first part of the chapter begins with my relationship to God the father because I can't give what I don't have a good relationship with my heavenly father. I can't be the father, God wants me to be to my kids and secondly a look at my relationship with my wife and in the readers religion with their life being a father presumably means having a relationship with a woman" to teach my children how to have a healthy relationship that the important part of fathering as well so looking at that relationship with my wife helps me be really get a sense of how to live out my fatherhood in that relationship and finally how I convey all those things I get for my relationship with God the father and my wife to my children. The third section of each chapter as well. Listening to resource and to listen to our radio show online resources for voice and persuasion in your community website and see family lodging. How do you find that these concepts relate to men who grew up without a father in the home know that one of the things that we see in one of the things we have concerns about from a faith perspective is that oftentimes men who did not have a healthy father figure in the home may have a difficult time really conceiving of our heavenly father who loves them. How do you address that issue absolutely true effective little things we look at a lot in the book of how do we actually get our heads around the idea that there are our heavenly father does love us especially if we had a complicated relationship with her own father fathers is missing what they would say as you know as Christians were called to have God as our model were called to be new men to leave the world behind them and really ask God to transform our hearts from the inside out. So regardless of where we came from, whether our families of origin were wonderful were significantly lacking in some way were called to be more God calls us to something different, and so the bead attitudes really look at how the Beatitudes can help us be that new man in Christ and live out the gospel in our homes in new ways. Regardless of where we came from and so is a great if we had that let that healthy formation in our families of origin absolutely like it was like up but either way, we have to be willing to be humble enough to to bring our whole experience to God and say where you help me to know what's good and what you will me to hold onto for my past and help me let go of what I need to let go so I can be the man you want me to be toxic. Some of the Beatitudes seem at first glance it least to be incompatible with what our culture may consider to be masculine traits of me.

We want to be real men in our society today and I'm thinking specifically about the Beatitudes that address morning that address meekness and mercy, things of that nature. How do you reconcile these virtues which really are virtues, but how do you reconcile those with true authentic masculinity. Yet the terrific question I really go through that of the book. For example, meekness is a really good one because I think a lot of people think of meekness as weakness.

But if you look at the original language of the gospel. The Greek word for me. The use of Scripture's problems, which means which of the Greek military term refers to a warhorse that's been well it's been trained well to respond to its writers command to not be spooked easily in battle right so meekness is about weakness. It's about having a heart that's receptive to God's command is willing to go in and fight the good fight but was just going to charge you to do its own thing, or were run from the battle that that that that the man who is whose heart is tuned to God and tuned to his wife and children's needs and able to bring those needs to God in ways that do evil to get a little scarier or more complicated were able to really listen to what God wants us to do so we can help our whole family meet its needs in ways that are godly and efficient. One example mercy.

You know you mercy you know is if not about just being nice.

Mercy is ultimately the virtue that helps us treat other people in a manner that allows them to see their worth in God's eyes. I can't think of anything more manly than to help my wife and children know what they're worth to God and end at the what they're worth to me and so through my loving service I'm able to bring that mercy to them and show them their worth and their value so they can see that their treasure will in Beatitudes anyways to be an awesome dad. You say that fathers ought to have a serious conversation about serious issues, serious issue.

Should fathers be discussing with their families and what are some practical ways they can do that will comes out, especially to a question about faith and morals.

You know there's a lot of research that actually shows that unless the father is taking the lead in faith and character formation in the home that the kids have much much less likelihood of owning those faith and values of adults one really fascinating study took a look at the second world war and whether people were rescuers of the Jews or collaborators with the Nazis of the persecution of the Jews were bystanders.

One of the things they found that study was the those children who were raised in a household where the fathers took the lead in faith and moral formation were much more likely to be rescuers to be a relic.

The response to this the terrible tragedy of the site that were children who were raised in households were dads were absent from the conversation. So if we want to raise kids who are capable of standing up to the culture and really being able to present a godly way. I call godly alternative to what society has offered the dads really need to be in their having those conversations leaving prayer in the home being present to their kids when it comes to modeling what it means to live the Christian life.

Dr. pop check if you had to boil things down to the most simple level, what would you say is the single most important things fathers can do for their children and for their family. Listen, and it starts with the I got country a men's conference once and so you know Dr. pop.

Check it. I know supposed to be the head of my household. But how do I know what the right thing to do is how I know what what what God wants me to do and and and my answer is no.

Ask your wife and children and what what what God is putting on their hearts and be willing to look to work with me do everything they tell you to do to me and say how high when I say jump what it means is, listen to what their needs are and then leave them in prayer and discussion to find the most godly and effective ways to meet those needs. Don't impose your agenda on your family. Don't tell them what they want and what you can do for them, listen to God speaking to you through the hearts of the wife and the children that God gave you, so that he can transform you into the man that he wants you to be and enable you to be the husband and father that is calling you to be in your home. Dr. pop check. Importantly, were just about out of town for this week, but I want to give you an opportunity to let our listeners know where they can learn more about your work and to get a copy of your new book, Beatitudes eight ways to be an awesome dad and they cannot check me out. Actually at my website. Exceptional marriages.com it's one word for all exceptional marriages.com also tune into our radio program on Sirius XM channel 130 that aired weekdays at 10 AM will thank you so much for taking time out of your schedule Dr. Gregory contract being with us on family housing family policy matters production of NZ family to listen to our radio show online, and for more valuable resources and information about issues important to families in North Carolina website and see family.org and follow us on Twitter and Facebook