Embracing the Messiness of Parenthood

Children have a way of humbly showing us are only willing to look. I think they really bring a level of humility is family policy with NC family Pres. John Rustin thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters.

Today will be taking a realistic and hopeful look at parenting and contrast it with the seemingly elusive and potentially destructive quest. Many parents found ourselves alone to attain the status of the perfect parent are just as Paul Lacey, an award-winning journalist who currently serves as senior associate editor and plug-in a movie review ministry is expect many of you do. I rely heavily on plug-in online for accurate, timely and relevant reviews of movies, TV programs, music and other forms of entertainment. Paul has been published by the Washington Post. Time magazine in Christianity today just to name a few.

And we are excited to talk with him about his new book when parenting isn't perfect, which she cowrote with Focus on the Family president Jim Daly to really encourage parents to embrace the messiness of parenthood to show grace to children within the that family structure. So Paul, I still want to welcome you to family policy matters astray tug on the show. John, thank you so much for having me, I am.

I'm thrilled to be here now. I know Paul early in the book you and Jim Daly right that our desire to be perfect and to honor God through perfection is actually destroying us. Now we know that Scripture tells us to be perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect. So where is this balance that we kind of may struggle with his parents and how can this pursuit of being the perfect parent actually be destructive to ourselves and our families know it's a really tricky question is in it. II think that I think that is a parent myself. It's something that did. I have struggled with often on, you know, throughout my entire life.

I think I think that all of us are doing in in a way week.

You're absolutely right.

God wants us to strive for that perfection.

But I think sometimes I think that big Jim Jim, one of the things that he stresses is that while it's good to try to reach for that bed lofty standard that perfection and that God wants us to reach for. Sometimes we go overboard in in.

We instead of striving for perfection.

We accept nothing less.

And we accept nothing less from ourselves and from our spouses and from our kids and we and we served to mean that perfection as opposed to serfs shooting for that perfection. All of a sudden we we get into a position where we blame, we feel terrible about ourselves. We we kick ourselves for doing things that we should have done better week we blame our kids for not living up to our sky high expectations of them and that can put a family and a really tricky position where all of a sudden, instead of being a place of of love and security becomes a very insecure place where where people just don't quite know where they stand and they just don't have the ability to to to really love each other like I think God wants us to know Paul, do you think there is a connection between achievement focused parenting and the delay that we often see today with young people.

As far as getting married, and even among some young people really desiring to live out an active life of faith yeah I know II think there's absolutely connection. I think it in Christian families especially and I think that Jim has seen this throughout his career he spoken to so many Christian families. He spoken so many Christian experts and I think one thing that he is seen over and over again is just this. This desire for perfectionism and and we can we can be really critical of our kids, and I think that when were critical RI kids like that and it leads to a couple of different things.

Our kids can become much more insecure. They don't feel like they have the wherewithal and the backing to take chances to reach out and and strive to really be the people that that God wants them to be so they become it's always good to be prudent, but I think that the kids can sometimes be overly cautious and so that leads to service. Failure to it to really stretch themselves and to reach out and and try new things and so they they shrink into into meeting just security tainted today to get by and when he insert grow up in a very very critical home which sometimes this sense, perfectionism can lead to where you just feel like you are your being critiqued all the time. I think the dead leaves of bad tasting kids mouths. They have heard all their lives that that God loves them that they Christianity is is a place of of of love and acceptance in the hand that that you know there's there's just certain this senses of peace and comfort that should come with Christianity, but when they see that in their own lives when they see that in there sometimes within their own Christian homes. They don't necessarily feel that love. They feel pressure from the field blame and and so because of that, because of the disconnect between what Christianity should be and once sometimes been seen in their own homes.

It can make them want to go the other way in and find that love and acceptance.

Other places sewed so they search for that love and acceptance from their friends from peer groups that might not be very healthy from they try to escape from it and and other ways and he can become a really damaging thing I think well I know that the book when parenting is imperfect is full of really beautiful images and practical comparisons. What is one of your favorite images in the book and why do you think using those images is so powerful in conveying the message that you and Jim sought to convey with when parenting is imperfect yet when my very favorite images that Jim really brought to when we were talking. The thing that struck me. I think the most both in this book and and I think he also mentioned in in a previous book the week we wrote called the good dad was this concept of the tether of love and for me when when Jim mentioned that something I have really carried over in my relationships with my own kids and essentially what it is. He describes love is been sort of like a tetherball and we're the Polish parents and our kids of the ball and sometimes during their lives they've become closer to us. Sometimes the farther away but as long as that Heather is strong as long as the string between the pole and the ball is strong will continue to have relationship will continue to love one another win that tether. Fraser breaks then that's when real trouble can can truly truly take root and that something is is apparent if of older kids.

My kids are 26 and 23 making their own decisions. There out of the home. That's something that image comes to mind again and again for me personally, I think of it that you want to preserve that tether of love to to preserve that sense of of love and and acceptance and and being able to be a part of your kids lives. It's just so important. Even when they're adults, and to preserve that relationship to preserve that tether is just so critical. I think in and so that's the image that sort of sticks with me the most.

You're listening to policy matters a resource to listen to our radio show online resources that will be a voice of persuasion in your community to our website.org. I know that the game of tetherball is you can't get the real effect unless the Roper that tether that's attached to one into a pole and one into the ball unless it has the freedom and the ability to go to its full extent and start the ball and wraps around the pole in the way that tether is too short, or if you know if you're not experiencing the full extent of that, you know, if you're really not experiencing true life and I know that oftentimes think of the that concept also is apparent that oftentimes we sort of take a top-down approach where parents feel like they have to be in control, rule over their kids and dictate to children what they do and don't do. But I know you talk about how children actually make us better adults and so going those experiences of parenting and of life as a family as parents and children, it really can help make us better personally but also his parents know. I think that's absolutely true and and I love that your take on the tetherball of the image by the way, I think that that's so powerful because I think again inserted gets back to this this feeling of of perfectionism that we do. We try to instill and I think sometimes as parents we try to as you say really, we don't necessarily allow our children the freedom that they need to become their own people because were so concerned with with that the decisions that they make.

We tend to start making them for our kids and then can be troubling and I think that one of the things again as it is apparent of adult children.

It can be hard to sort of understand that your kids, your whole job is to get them to to start being able to make decisions on their own will have to serve let go and even that even means we may they make decisions that you might not necessarily agree with and that dovetails into into what you were talking about with how your kids make you a better person and a better parent and I think that there's there's so much truth to that, I think of it children have a way of humbling us of showing us her own weaknesses. If were willing to look at them. I think that that really bring us to a level of humility where we have to lean on God, sometimes within raising our kids because let's face it. Raising kids is, is just tough to do. And so to two to understand that that we don't necessarily have all the answers to sometimes sometimes when it's appropriate even admit to our kids that we don't have all the answers is an important thing to do, I think, allows us to reach a point of humility and to into really understand that this is half stuff were some practical ways that parents can release themselves from a perfectionist approach and attitude and really show forgiveness, grace, mercy and love in their families about you, but I think that date, there are a few basic guidelines that I think that parents probably should follow.

I think that did Jim really feels like these are important cornerstones for kind of a healthy family and I think that a big one is just listening to your kids.

We as parents, we tend to do a lot of talking and well we should mean we've got it. We've got to tell the kids will note rules we have to give them are the benefit of our wisdom all kind of stuff but I think that oftentimes children really need to feel like there listen to think we need to enter their world is much as we can to interact with them to go to tea parties with with your daughter order or play catch with your daughter cook or whatever, whatever, they're really into try to enter into those worlds as best as you can so that you can become a part of a good sense of humor never goes awry. Think things that that Jim has felt has served him well as he has a fantastic sense of humor, and he brings that to the table when things delivered Ted's around his house and I think that that's really important to not only have a good sense of humor about life and what's going on around them. Good sense of humor about yourself and your own shortcomings and have a good sense of humor about your kids and their own shortcomings. I think that that really helps a lot in inches going into these relationships with with love and forgiveness and and really trying to understand that that is parents were supposed to be a cornerstone for these kids lives were supposed to be a safe harbor for them to come to when they really need help were not supposed to be the rocks that they they crash their ships. We need to be.

We need to be there for them and we need to help them as much.

It can, and I think that date when we understand that our rules are to hard to help our kids while still sometimes giving them a gentle push a nudge to reach their potential to encourage them to do better. Maybe they even thought they could. I think that that's really important thing wrote: know you're really what it are appetites working our listeners go to get a copy of your new book when parenting isn't perfect you.parenting ends is imperfect is available. Obviously, the Focus on the Family websites available at Amazon and Christian booksellers everywhere. Really it's it's almost feel cliché you can find a good bookstores everywhere so so just be looking for it there some great one hour. Listeners want to take advantage of that. I am without importantly Colorado Tom but I want to thank you so much for being with us on family policy matters this week and for this honest and hopeful book about parenting. I just want to encourage all the parents out there who are listening to this program to to get a copy of this book avail yourselves of these great resources. As we all know Focus on the Family is really all focused on building up families in a way that honors the Lord and that brings health and abundance to the lives of all of those involved.

Make sure you get this book. When parenting is and without policy. I want to thank you so much for being with us on family policy not it was so much fun. Thank you so much for sending to family policy matters.

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