The Impact of Technology on Family Relationships

Today do not know why because of the year and the screens with their opening observing and we need to help them is standard policy with NC family Pres. John Weston thanks for joining us this week for family policy matters. Today will be exploring the impact technology is having on family relationships, particularly among young people and what parents can do to help ensure that their children develop an appropriate and healthy relationship with technology. Our guest today is Dr. Kathy Cook, founder and president of celebrate kids Inc., which presents practical, relevant results oriented concepts to help parents, children and educators build healthy relationships. Dr. Cook walking the family policy matters great to have you with us on the show. Thank you and privilege to be here now. Dr. Cook as we begin, we certainly all recognize the technology is a rapidly growing and changing arena that impacts all of us in many ways on a daily basis. What you believe is the most important thing.

Parents need to know as it relates to raising children in today's technologically advanced and technologically saturated world. Great question to start with I don't know if anyone a likely answer.

I don't compromise to make people happy. We need to remember children are watching eyes they really are what I asked preteens, teens and children.

How would you would like your parents to turn off their phones you 80% of the hands go up. 12 so I really want to encourage us if you think that your kids are on technology too much or isolating or if you're concerned about the brain development ramifications that you need to ask yourself what they are observing as they are spending time with you and I want you to encourage and want to encourage you use the pronoun we we need to make some changes here rather than you need to put that down and you need you need you need it really needs to be a we factor in our homes well is the concerned more about what children are actually doing when they use technology say reading a book on their device for playing video games or is it the mere fact that many children are really immersing themselves in technology more and more. Instead of experiencing people in the world around them.

In other ways. I don't think will be surprised when I say both are. We need to be concern for both. Certainly things like reading is a more profitable activity.

However, there is much research that suggests that our reading comprehension is negatively affected when we did on the screen notetaking when using the screen is not effective etc. so some of the things we think are not harmless when it comes to their attention span and things like that may actually be harmful when looking at intellectual pursuit in academic achievement with the thing about your video game he and and and social media scrolling and things like that that allows kids to isolate right, it allows them to escape separate and it actually can contribute to the very depression that they think they may be escaping. And so I do want us to be alert to to all of it. Children today are clearly exposed to much more advanced technology than we ever were growing up. How does the ease and frequent access just about everything by way of computers, smart phones, tablets, smart TVs and other similar devices affect us, and particularly our children, compared to, for example, when we were growing up right. This is the crux of what we do it celebrate kids to help you understand what's happening to the spirit, mind, soul and heart of a child who is continually allowed to use screen. For instance, they can believe that they are the center of their own universe when I was a child I had to watch the TV show. My dad wanted to watch it if I wanted to buy one thought had to buy the whole album to listen to the one taught.

Now kids can believe that you will divulge on them and they deserve to be happy all the time.

It's another lie. They think they deserve choice. You know, for those of us were older we know choice the privilege could today's kids because of the drop-down menu on all technology that we use your brain is expecting to always be given a choice to renew the grandma's house and she serves porkchops to kids and said wait I don't want that in the grandma's aquatic and give you choices is not a restaurant with the menu so you keep the porkchops so I think that's a real issue. I'm in the authority issue is huge. You know what, I had a question that I wanted answered I had to leave my bedroom go by my parents or maybe talk to your pastor or teacher, a friend. I babysat for, but there were people available to me what I wanted answers to questions that were important to me. A lot of our children and teens today are simply asking Siri on the phone. What's the meaning of life as she has an answer and she's wrong but they don't know she's wrong, I'm another quick they're able to go to google.com and YouTube University in any number of places we can think of to get answers to the questions and so they they can believe that we are not as necessary as we would love to be so how how do we balance the good technology brings with the risks and the harms associated with it, particularly when it comes to young impressionable brains and hearts yeah you know it's all about boundaries right it's always been about boundaries when your children were three you did let them color all day and when they were sick. She did let them play with dolls or trucks all day. There's always been boundaries and there's always been exposure to a variety of new ideas and people and activities and toys and so I think that's a huge thing that we need to be remembering is boundaries are healthy. Let's put out invisible eyesight for kids a variety of options for them. They are addicted to the adrenaline that technology causes some are addicted to the technology itself so it is hard we say please put a dump away, turn it off find something to do and they really don't know how to handle boredom well which is really dangerous so we can actually help them handle boredom well so they don't go from one kind of Coke to another, which is actually what was seen in our culture we so let's put out boardgames on the coffee table. Let's put a frisbee in a football or basketball and baseball at the back door. Let's put a surgical booking on the dining table or whatever so that when their walking by the sea that there's something that could sit down and participate in, and then wanted a quick comment is quiet is really important to brain development.

You know how many of us adults would admit to having a great. We were quiet right were driving were empty the dishwasher were changing the baby's diaper were doing something, possibly, but were quiet in the midst of doing that thing I'm I'm Princeton's in line to get out of an airplane and I have this idea in our kids today do not know why because of the pods in the year and the screens of their you know open and observing and we need to help them discover the benefit of quiet well I think that's a great point that leads into my next question and that is about the impact of technology is having with respect to faith among our kids now need a big part of faith is is prayer and reflection and taking time to be quiet and listening for God may be seeking to teach talk about that. If you would. I know that you have said the technology really may be the biggest threat to our kids play, share your perspectives with us about that is so important is that the first lie that I talk about in my book is that we can think that we are the center of own of our own universe the world you live execute if kids are allowed to believe that there the center in the world revolves around them and they don't need God and they shouldn't need to pray they don't need his word because they think they are the word if you well and so it's extremely dangerous and the idea that they think they can be happy all the time.

That's why they have multiple screens up. That's why the X on the games they might lose. That's why there are addicted to you know the reboot button and spellcheck and all the things that make everything easy and so that they could treat God like he's an ATM machine that's his job to keep them happy. That's why I think the dropping out of church drop in our faith.

A church hopping as young adults, even there's a lack of authenticity and transparency right. I'm so concerned I talked to teenagers.

I asked them how many of you are really able to be honest with God, or to treat them like a Facebook friend and you're only going to give them the status update that'll make him smile and like that so dangerous because God wants to know our hearts. From our perspective. He knows what he wants us to say to him in a blue today.

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you're disappointed you help me tomorrow if we don't help her kids learn authenticity and vulnerability and and that God is approachable and will never turn them down. I will always love them unconditionally, then then a lot of trouble. You're listening to a resource for to listen to our radio show online resources that will be a place of persuasion in your community to our website family alleging cook with that in mind things that parents can do to help prepare their children. First of all, even before they are allowed access technology, but also if some parents may think hey that train is already left the station. My kids are totally consumed with technology.

What can they do wants the technology has become a such a major part of their children's lobster, drawl that back in some and set some healthy parameters for use of technology in the home you note for fiancé related to the whole faith development question about that is to make sure that we are proclaiming God's relevance in the word of God being relevant to the heroes, pray in the time of their need to.

They see us opening the word of God and were looking for answers to. They are we excited on a Sunday morning or Wednesday to get to go back to our our church and be in the fellowship with like-minded people. I'm to remodel that talk about that we need to be fully present. Your technology is fully present is always with them and that's why they think they don't need us and so I really want to encourage parents again to put on their devices even put down. You know the book and the committee to the jet you looking up interest for new recipes, whatever. That's that's great, but if they're awake in there with you then turn it off and play a game and you know do something together. I'm talk about the difference between wanting and needing think that's usually look at helping kids use technology well when they're young to be talk about how you know you need a nap process you wanted out and you know I never really need a Diet Coke. I want to die and what do they hear me say to the hear me say I need that. I'm so this is why they think they need a phone they need that came in they need that sauna they need that movie really really don't need God. And so do we use our language appropriately so that they understand what we believe and are we passing that on in really good ways and I hope that makes sense. All I think those are all really do what would be some practical bits of advice that she would provide to parents.

In addition to what you've already said about setting some parameters in the home that that may be helpful in creating certain times were technology can be used or different things about and you find those, parameters or restrictions to be helpful or possibly harmful. I think it is helpful and I think it's helpful, especially if you parameters for other things like if you stick to bedtime, and if you stick to when friends are allowed over and if you stick to a longer allowed to do something, then you can add technology as a parameter. If you only have parameters for technology, they will begin to be said that Adele don't argue with you.

I'm a big fan of digital three days in digital three times where we don't use technology except for educational pursuit, you know after school.

Maybe it's only a Saturday that'll kill some people listening but really that's good advice. And again, that's a family matter. I like to do free zones. Though the dinner table to Brett wherever you get a meal at home at a restaurant.

No screens that's captured talk time and work giving it up to a tool that doesn't love our children.

I'm actually also a huge fan of the carving 203. Now don't panic if you're going to drive it out eventually radio and maybe a book on CD think that that are really profitable really good talk radio like this is great to listen to with your kids, however, that the top of the car is a camber. We are captured and so are they kids love talking to us in the car because it don't look in your eyes when they see something that's hard to hear and so let's use that time properly. Let's let them look out the window and they'll figure out that they won't die if the board and let's let's have those moments of conversation because when were silent.

Someone will talk and that's how you stay connected your kids. That's right. I know that this may sound archaic, but a number of years ago we implemented a TV free summer in her home for a couple of summers in a row.

It was a really special time and I think my children would smell that it was it was a special time because we had to be creative about time that we spent together.

He gave us more time to talk and you know in some cases, as he said maybe be bored a little bit but also be hopeful about how we were going to spend that and it ended up being a very fruitful thing soaks is a great, great suggestions and I know that we have listeners out there who were challenged and struggling with this issue. Even now is were speaking so I want to. Dr. could give you an opportunity to let our listeners know where they can go to find helpful resources about your work and also to get copies of your excellent books. Thank you so much. Our website is celebrate kids.com that's the first place to go celebrate kids.com there's a shopping cart. There and you can get to my blog if people are interested in connecting with me. I'm all over social media like you are truly my books are also available in other I'm your online sites and even the local bookstore. Perhaps, and I may be great if they connect with people who think that we have something to offer to be fabulous for the opportunity on with you will absolutely and just will encourage your listeners to avail themselves of the great resources you have available and just want to thank you so much for taking time to be with us on family policy matters and for your work to help foster healthy relationships between parents and children. Dr. thanks so much. My pleasure think you only about season families in North Carolina website see family.org and follow us on Twitter and Facebook