It Takes More Than Love | Brittany Salmon

I think respective parenting is basically parenting with an awareness that race matters just is not colorblind or purchasing. You know where that adopt the word is basically for tenderness of our accuracy rate parenting if they know where our multicultural family of mercantilism welcome to Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Our guest today wants to help you embrace the beauty and challenges of transracial adoption. Brittany Salomon will join us to tell her story and give help and hope to adopt for future adoptive parent go to Moody books.org you'll see a featured resource. Britain's book it takes more than love. I know you're a big adoption, but there are struggles and difficulties you face with any group you choose right absolutely crucial for cultural and biology to bring to people of different cultures together for the relationship to be different perceptions of reality for ideas about almost everything.

So certainly the topic for today discussing a cross-cultural adoption is a really key topic and I am excited about your talk with Britney about this today. Let's meet her Brittany Salomon this Prof. writer and Bible teacher. She has an MA in intercultural studies from Southeastern Baptist theological seminary and MA in teaching from North Carolina State University and she's currently pursuing her doctorate from Southeastern seminary where she's doing research on racial representation in Christian children's literature. She lives in Abilene Texas with her husband Ben and their four children. Right now they're moving to North Carolina to your neck of the woods, Gary, and she's written the book. It takes more than love a Christian guide to navigating the complexities of cross-cultural adoption. You can find out more at moodybooks.org. First of all, welcome to North Carolina understood he could be moving here shortly so that's great Ruby neighbors maybe 4 Hour Dr. but still labors. So welcome to Building Relationships today.

Here you say that you have a love-hate relationship with adoption what you mean by that easy one because I'm so grateful for the opportunity to parent my kids okay. There are biology twins.

The other team out loud because it's an absolute honor to be able to live on our ticket under chemical reduction, however, that is actually so grieved that I get my kids something really bad happened to them. At some point in their life. I get to be a parent to my kids because I'm there story was birthed and broken love-hate love-hate relationship with adoption because it's not all roses. It's not all about the joy that I get about being a mom.

I love my kids so much. I also see what adoption has done to see the brokenness that was birthed at the beginning of the stories the lasting impact. And so, although I'm so grateful and I love being like a parent. I'm also so burdened ingredient inside world is adopted across cultural lines is fine with what you're saying let's talk about the title it takes more than love, why, why does it take more than love adoption spaces. About 20 years ago that really what it takes. All it takes is giving some love grow and happy and thrive parenting children.

Now it takes a lot more to get your kids across the Lord willing, walking with the Lord you're a believer and so we know that when it comes adoption because of the trauma because the brokenness of the story that brought them to our families.

It's going to take more than just love whenever you adopted a child with love and counseling and making sure that your equipped to handle some of the heartaches. The unique heart aches that adoptees will face even when there placed in a loving home and so I tell my friends who are about adoption or all the time of listen is not just out of your house and get him to love it a lot more than one level get you there.

Love is a tool that you need.

The thing that will be a catalyst sustained your family during difficult seasons, but it takes more than just love whenever you're adopting a child walking them into your home tells about your story what what did you become interested in the solution. What led you to adopt across cultural lines and what led you to talk on the whole, the whole concept short while I we've been married for almost 12 years. I entered into our marriage thinking that we would have biological children know that since from the time I was a teenager and so when we started talking seriously about marriage bends my name and I hate there's a good chance I will have children but I'm okay with adopting your break issue for you. I want to bring us the table now and he quickly set out absolute… About before, but this I don't care how we have children.

Whether we adopt foster weather we don't that's okay. I'm okay with us and so we slowly started exploring the process of adoption and intermarriage.

The Lord blessed our family was surprised twins were trying to children, pregnant listen to and and and there were two of them select prizes all the way around and we were so grateful and be loved.

I'm so grateful that I've been blessed to have children biologically reduction, but it was a complete shock and surprise. But we still felt after that I could have. Biologically, we still felt very called to adoption. The Lord has laid on our hearts.

Early on we talked about and we saw the need to pay our family we can do this the start of the adoption process. A few years after the funds were born and I I'm a researcher by nature I love school I love learning I love books I was scouring our libraries. The Internet for resources that would equip families like ours to adopt cross culturally part of our story was we were going to pursue adoption because a lot of people in our church community had done that, but we had a friend) who adopted domestically adoption and that time had a shortage of feelings who were unwilling to take children who did not match their ethnicity, and specifically white families who were unwilling to take children of color and so the crisis in this agency how they work. Time desperately needing to say hate will take a child regardless of the city will commit to learning about the ethnicity becoming a multicultural family that we were actually anyways we can step into the space in the Lord quickly soften our hearts toward it, but what we found was we did have a lot of resources. There were a lot of books written on think this is what you should do or warning.

Here are some some you know some roadblocks ahead.

You might have to navigate hardship. There is a lot of literature that said adoptions often. You should do it some. This is how we near the heart of God. But there is not a lot of resources out there on training on what to do and so whenever I was asked to write this book truly knew about became acquisitions editor at Moody and she called me and said hey you know you've written on this for a couple of articles and blogs and things of that nature. What about a book and once we start talking about that yes you know this is something that our family could do to help other families and not just prospective adoptive families and also church communities and friend groups are supporting it out so she said that I prayed about it for a couple days and I like yes I meant this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" find more simple ways to strengthen relationships@ 5lovelanguages.com plus take a free assessment of your love language right there@ 5lovelanguages.com this point in our conversation. I'm glad you made the decision to write this book is going to help a lot of people. So know this reminder audience and remind me your first two children were twins, boys or girls girls girls in there almost 10 years. Truly, I have a hard time telling about her identical to adopted boys or girls or boys are boys and one of the six and the others to fix into. When you talk to these two girls would hold our 60 family girls were for almost 4 when Zeke family are girls were eight and Jude was almost sore as well.

Okay Rex and the prophets again for baby number five so were waiting time so we are waiting on baby number five happen to good for those of our own ensure unfamiliar with the option. Can you give us an overview of the different types of adoption is available to the language in the adoption space is always thinking, but there are multiple different ways you can pursue adoption you can pursue international adoption, which just means that you're adopting a child from a different country and different process if you don't adopt domestically, so domestic adoption is where you adopt a child from the same country.

At the same time in those two major categories is also a variety of different types of adoption. So we've use the term transracial adoption or cross-cultural adoption. Transracial adoption is where you adopt a child city and you make the same country for my son, Jude.

He is an African-American male. And so we did. Eight. What is called a domestic infant open transracial adoption means simply speak from the same country adoption infant, which means I don't invent open means we have an open relationship with his first family to communicate and see each other and cremation and then transracial adoption just means that we have different skin tends in the book.

I use the term cross-cultural adoption because the cross-cultural adoption can be a transracial adoption have different skin tones. Or it could be you adopt a child from a different country may say I'm a white American. So what if we adopted a white Romanian trial that would be a transracial adoption be a transcultural document that we call that a cross-cultural adoption. It's a lot a lot a lot of different types of phrases and the two major things are book talks about is international adoption and domestic adoption and Dr. Foster care as well and the book applies to that as well. You mentioned open adoption were adopted parents do have a relationship with biological parents is becoming more common in our culture is research and adoption has grown what they discovered in one really helpful thing. Both sets of parents.

The adoptive parents and the biological parent or parents or family members. They are both open to relationship both committed to loving a child and helping them form to the person the best version of themselves.

They can be. It really helps the child have access to knowing where they came from helps in identity growth in identity, whether that's racial, whether it's just familial.

What is my biological family. Where I come from having both sex and having an open healthy relationship there when possible.

They said really disturbed the child as adoption experts have grown and learned and done more research realizing that it both at the family are open to that. This could be a really good thing that was my impression just in talking with Mike and see sometimes it's not possible because the biological parent or symptoms may be for certain reasons adoptive parents may not be open to the will. I can attest to. What a blessing for our kids but also for me having an open adoption with both of our sons parents to two separate that they are not from the same biological parents to birth moms who we've got to know and love on them and welcome them into our families and I remember whenever I first read by Dr. Durney.

I was a little nervous about that relationship. I was a little of what it looks like I'm not really sure but grown and released them back and say it's been a huge blessing to our kids. But it's also been a blessing to me there phenomenal people to choose adoption for their kids, especially in this culture are phenomenal, brave women to love their kids and what was best for them and so I did nothing but grateful for my experiences in getting them come natural to adopt someone of a different culture, different place. What would it be true.

Now I think every parent has their own journey and step mother and father had and for some people comes more naturally than others just parenting in general.

But we all know if your heart it's it's really difficult, but one things that does not come naturally about transracial adoption and I am a white woman in a white father. I don't naturally have the tools that when my son comes to me as I experience this at school. I had to work and rely on my community to learn to say, oh, or no action. This is somebody that's racial bias to how we navigate doesn't come naturally to me because I didn't experience that our culture and so there's cultural things that my central experience of my sons will experience from different cities that I I don't have the right had to rely on our Christian community church friends. People in our lives as well.

You know this and let me say this, or you should tell Jude this, but it's been one of the things I've had to learn is as a mom is a white woman who is raising nonwhite children have had to rely on other resources because I cannot bridge that gap for my children but can't provide resources for them to bridge that gap when they're ready. That makes sense comes to racial identity development, or experiencing things uniquely body walking around in our physical bodies in the context of America where we are at the current time, there are certain things that I just don't have my toolbelt. Cultural course.

Racial tensions are yet been around a long time.

Remember integrate school integration took place way back in the 60s and we've come a long ways I think but there's still a lot of racial tension than what I hear you say is your adopted children might be experiencing things in school were interfacing with people in other contexts, but you never faced and so how do you help will process what they're running into into their own and we know that you know what we believe is that God made everyone in the image of God's grace the gender all humans are made so we acknowledge that our identity necessarily. First and foremost reflects him. We also what we are doing or not neglecting her colorblind approach to recognizing me a female a white woman. America has a different perspective. The white male America, then ate my black son, work experience, our context differently so we don't make that sense like this is only focusing on, but we also don't want it nor ready so we want to raise our kids to say my granddaughters you are you are smart you are beautiful regardless of the lies.

Culture might tell you one day. This is who you are the same things with our kids in different eye colors my son all the time you were smart you are beautiful you are made in the image of God. What society says about us. We cling to those biblical truth. We don't do that with a blind eye neglecting culture. Rather, we compensate man. We started at first God and in his goodness he created different celebrant does in our home trying to make up to two our culture, our race, the person God made the right exactly.

You talk a lot about holding space in your heart and your mind both for joy and sorrow in a whole when you're raising children a different culture. Could you give us a practical example of what that looks like in your own family.

So our story when when I first adoption we went to the hospital so I got to be there for the days after the end we met our sons birth mom and some time with her and then we went into SunTrust program and we don't we all spent time there left went to her hospital room and I remember this weird feeling where I was so overjoyed at meeting our son.

I mean, thrilled just absolutely in love at the same time. My heart was breaking.

Because just down the hall. There was a woman who loved her son who birth and being pregnant and life is no small feat.

She went all the effort to carry a baby and to deliver a baby and then to ensure that this baby is going to go to a safe and loving home. She's in a hospital room with empty arms and it broke my heart. And when we left to go home with the baby in our arms, and I knew there's another woman who's leaving the hospital empty armed. I was things were. I was feeling two conflicting emotions at the same time and it almost felt like the first time will fight fight celebrate too much.

I am not honoring her loss and his loss. If I'm only focusing on loss when not honoring the celebration of what is to bring in town to our family and so what we had to learn how to do just to make space for both to exist because they have to, because adoption is incomplete if you only focus on the good work.

Or, if even only focus on the sorrow you are not the whole story.

And so we've had to learn that on birthdays on Mother's Day. Certain holidays we Mother's Day I we celebrate motherhood. We also go ahead and intentionally create room to say hey to you today to call her and we go to make space for that to exist so that when our kids as they grow up.

Now Mr. okay yeah can we call there's already language. There is also the freedom in our family to feel whatever way you feeling about the situation at the time.

So if you are both happy and sad. Great. Happy today that's okay that's great, wonderful, sad today, that's totally fine. We want our kids to be able to process their adoption without having to feel like they have to be happy for our sake of the whole concept we talked about earlier adoption.

Were you adopted child has contact with the birth mother and know when the birth father's will think is so healthy because you encountered in my counseling through the years that when adopted children do not know their biological parent.

There comes a time in their life and it can come as leaders 25 and 30 years old with minute time to coach much earlier than that which there's something inside of them that really wants to know and meet their biological parents and sometimes I go on a journey that takes sometimes years to find their adopted parents you feel strongly about that as well.

I felt strongly that no close adoption contact with the child.

First, I think, always holding space for their curiosity for the Greek for their I wish I knew where I got this from, or I wish I knew this, I think it's really important that we encourage that make it rather than shut it down or take as like a critique of our parenting is as if were not enough to hear all sorts of adoption circles you were learning from adoptees were learned from birth mothers and fathers, but were also unproductive. Spectrum of it and what I've heard, and I will speak on Dottie's behalf but what I've listened and I've heard stories about how they didn't feel the freedom to explore the first culture or their first family because they were afraid to hurt the feelings of their parents are feeling. That's the last thing I want I want my kids to know that they can explore questions if our next adoption is a close one that they want to go on this journey great honor to be in the corner trying them on. Do whatever I can to support them a letter wasting need. Thanks for joining us today for Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman find more simple ways to strengthen relationships@ 5lovelanguages.com we have some great resources a tool to assess your love language you can hear podcasts of the program and more. Go to five love languages.com. Our guest is Brittany salmon, author of it takes more than love Christian guide to navigating the complexities of cross-cultural adoption. Find out about that at Moody book's.org that's moody book's.org because I think we have to taken consideration. I'm dirty. Everything is unique context of what state are they enrolled part of an urban parts are they somewhere between the truth is, I think a lot here in this area and it's spreading you know the monocultural area so I don't know what right do it and what I want to say yes it is a matter of your location, race conscious parenting can happen regardless of where you're at. Maybe might be easier in some places I want to go out again what you told him in their toolbelt practice race conscious parenting again. We talked about this a little bit is right now current context, any conversation to run the race. I think people are on edge and so I want to encourage any political division or even cultural divisiveness aside and we can say that 100% you believe that if you believe adoption. If you believe in becoming a transracial adoption. Family you cannot let the monocultural life you want to be a multicultural family and so some basic things you can do. We have three levels encouraged adoptive families to start with me start with level I and you build up the kind of level III really need all three not done any of it before it said person you can do is you need to make sure that you have racial representation and artifacts in your home and what I mean by artifacts as were talking about books and toys and pictures and artwork so that the home that you're bringing a child to themselves that they can see pictures of themselves they can see himself represented and are not a child but say you adopt a Chinese child and maybe your Hispanic family.

It's not just you don't just have Hispanic culture on your walls, you decided not only are we in our culture were going to celebrate this ancient culture and artwork and toys and dolls and books so our kids can fill represented things in their home and note the bare minimum start level and you can do that, you know ordering sign or Google or whatever place you like to shop online. Even if you're in a rural environment can do level number one for race can't conscious parenting for level II thing I would encourage parents to consider is finding representation in the voices and the people who their listening to and south can be your doctor your pastor's teachers, coaches, lawyers you your insurance. I find people to mirror your child city in your community and say you know you were going to go to court and submit ourselves to the leadership of these if you live in a rural environment. Let's think about the many sermons or books you could listen to online music you can listen to in your home.

The television shows that you watch the people who have authority in your life, speaking over your family. Let's make sure there's representation there and that your talk and see themselves in and that Michael third of what I would say the most important level of race conscious parenting would be representation in your physical community. And so what that looks like this can be a difficult transition for some families, but even in monocultural environments. I would say if you look at the actual demographics of York County in the counties near you surrounding your county.

I would almost guarantee that most part of the country. You can find on some levels of diversity and so what I would encourage you to do is consider what sport you put your kids into orcs or cricketers where where are we going to school where we going to church where we spending our time and money. What restaurant eating at and while were out doing those things make friends along the way and in so that's one thing that we have a lot will it be moved got to West Texas six years ago everyone was so pretty monocultural bear and so the more we we got involved in YMCA sport varsity sports leagues versus a more private one. I started meeting people and taking no monocultural during rich culture out here on this is represented and started meeting people on the soccer fields mean people the baseball field and we celebrate whatever kids birthdays this year and I looked around at the people singing at our kids birthdays babysitters friends from church people between thank you God for the diversity that you provided for our kids but also for us and how we've learned and loved and grown as human being friends of these people so I think race is basically parenting with an awareness of race matters just is not colorblind approach and saying you know where that adopt basically pretender to support ethnicity that conscious parenting is saying nowhere multicultural family were to live a multicultural life as you describe those three levels bring your thinking well that is so helpful, so practical, anyone who's thinking about adopting cross-cultural and racial lines of this book is going to be super super helpful for them is just because what you're looking as though things are doable but they might not enter them in of a person who hasn't a lot of cross-cultural experience in their own life. So thanks for sharing those things. Let me ask you this if you could go back in time and give yourself any piece of advice before adopting what you think it would be great question. I think the one thing I would tell myself that it's okay to make mistakes you have to do this perfectly. I think I said… I need to do this just sounded alright so I don't mess up my kids but one of the things I have loved my Angela quote that I have used throughout the book also has kind of been my journey as best he can attain a better when you know better, do better and I think that's been something of grace for this journey in parenting, whether it I didn't know that and feeling shame about that conviction about the change know that five years ago.

I know it now so I can act on it now so I can go back in time and give myself you're not to get ranked and that's okay you want to know better, do better and to start along that path.

If you were talking to a group of prospective adoptive parents are thinking about this and I'm sure you do that a lot for groups and individuals. "What one piece of advice really jumps to the fraud in your mode.

The first thing that I typically tell parents to and then I encourage them to make sure that they are looking to not just adoptive parents like me that there listening to the voices of adoptees and birth parents as well. Do you think whenever were looking to get our training, education, value and listening to people who are in our cover same situation life.

But when it comes to adoption. We need to be listening to first adoptees and letting their experiences and testimonies transform the way we parent and so I would say. You have to have to have to have to invest in resources by adoptees and first families just as much as you do adoptive parents. This book is designed for adoptive parents. That is the primary audience to which this book which will also include a chapter specifically for family, extended family and friends, and churches were supportive of adoptive families. Sure hope for.

For those individuals know when we started the process. One of the things that are to do was include our feelings are friends are support system was large and why everyone was like, what can we help what we need to learn about what are all these things and I would have read some of the books I was reading but really, none of them gave them double steps on how to support adoptive families and I think that there are a lot of grandparents throughout uncles and aunts out there and district families and communities want to say we are recognizing in the process of learning that adoption isn't all rainbows and butterflies and beautiful all the time. How can we support you and I wanted to include a resource in here so… You don't read the book you want to Debbie incredibly helpful, but could you read this chapter and come back and talk with me, let's talk about it. Let's see what works for one to get people who are willing to learn space with this brief small tool to assist them on their journey as well.

This is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" . Brittany Salmon is our guest today. Her book is titled, it takes more than love a Christian guide to navigating the complexities of cross-cultural adoption find it at Moody book's.org that's moody books.org Brittany, when you are on my program crisply relied. We had a caller after the program leave a message and she was upset because you during the conversation had said your photos so you have an African-American child then find someone who's a mentor outside of the family whose African-American speaking to that child's life and her phrase was.

I'm not trying to raise an African-American man, I'm trying to raise a moon doesn't matter what color you are. Can you talk to that for the person who says you know doesn't matter what color would raise what ethnicity you are just love the child what you said. I'm really glad you caught. I'm sad because I love it when people verbalized that stomach shame and whenever we talk about race and color blindness think that a lot of people are unwilling to say actually I was raised to the colorblind approach and I'm really confused why it's not helpful for the family that never preached a time where colorblindness was very popular and it still is somewhat today I want to say that having the privilege of saying I'm just trying to raise a son not a black sign or a Hispanic sun is typically eight a lot of white people, and because we do not cover about race and racism. I have never once experienced it personally against me, but will what were trying to save adoptive parents are my children who are not white will experience living in America, and their bodies as black or Hispanic men, and they didn't know how to navigate society not just as a man like me and my girls. They're going to have to navigate what it looks like to live in America as a white women and we can't neglect those things we just have to address and because are not because we believe that is good that God created mankind in all this reflecting uniquely rather than fighting or pretending like my son is just a man were not saying that his blackness is his number one thing that were focusing on what were saying were just not neglecting it to work teaching him how to live fully as a man in America is black and there are differences there are things that I tell my son about what it means to be human in the state is different from my girls and were not pretending like those differences of execs were just embracing naming were actually looking under the lens of Scripture it's good you are made to be good. Let's learn how to drive God made you to be in this current space and time and so I think what sometimes colorblind people and what I'm trying to hear rending this a lot of people at a friend one day into like what I want to say is I don't think the color of skin should matter I say great either dies were all on that because if you look at our schools. If you look at our sick society.

You can see how the color of our skin does impact hiring impact employment and housing impacted a lot in our society over note throughout our history, and so I think a lot of people are good intentioned and saying they don't want it to matter what were saying it does and so we are going to. We are going to parent our kids away for the day know who they are. They are in Christ, they are humans so they are in their unique God has given them to celebrate that so so powerful.

Celebrate the differences rather than ignore the differences.

If you were talking to adoptive parents who their adopted children are getting older and a helmet with a rolled up into the 10 to 12 years of age and they really have not encountered this book.

It takes more than love. What would you cite what I want what I say to them is really two things. The first thing again that my do the best he can take you know better than when you know better, do better if you are now in the middle. Towards the end of your parenting journey just now awakening to some of the things that were talking today and you feel like oh my goodness, I wish I had done XC what I want to say you did the best he could. Now you know better start now start now and what we wanted to. She is a liar. She wants to do is keep you focus on what went wrong. Using that feeling into a catalyst for change and for moving forward is that we would extend the shame we want to hold onto conviction and we want to go ahead and say you know what we did the best he could. Now we are going to have these conversations were going to start now and it might look differently than what we expected and there might be some more bumps in the road because were starting a little late or glad you're here and let's keep going with lock arms and keep going toward the end of the book to talk about holy imagination when it comes to the future but option when it comes to holy imagination and the adoption spaces what what I'm trying to say is, there are parabolic is just now having conversation about open adoption about race conscious parenting and there are a number of holes in the system where either the foster kids right now Erica, who was parental rights have been terminated and they are available for adoption. We are going to have to come up with a better imagination and with new ways of providing a safe and loving home for every child.

But when we do that it's not just about adoption. So what is the source of the problem why are children being removed from their families. Why are there some kid to get it faster than other kids. So we need to do is look at these cut holes or gaps or problems, but he will say say what we've done the last 50 years has been good is not working anymore and so what if you know the whole thing out whatever still focusing on adoption and foster care. What were also talking about meeting women were in prevention and family preservation and getting on the front-end of these issues think you known maybe and maybe somebody in the 50s 60s foster.right now I can do I can go to our local foster care agency and say hey any parents right now is rights have been separated temporarily and are working towards being reunited with their kids and they just need to mentor ship it can meet with them weekly Kata cycle that can I take him out for coffee. What needs to imagination is not just we need to be child focused absolutely broaden our scope a little bit more, so we get to the front and do things and say all in production, foster care, but were also the all and supporting single mothers and parent their children to be all and as a church wrap her arms around you can do this with you the way.

What are arms around families separated say take your rights have been terminated to work hard on getting you stable and healthy. You can reunify with their children. One of the biggest blessings of my life was seeing one of our employees. Her rights were terminated.

Parent reunify with her kids and watching that happen. Change the way I saw the whole system was rooting for her.

I was invested in her. I was in her corner. Current hoping and believing good things over her life as I knew deep down she wanted to be good mom that she could and so I was wondering if holy nation and we expand and broaden our reach to what that includes when it comes to adoption and orphan care. Maybe we can make some dents in this issue and stopped on the front-end, not just responding on the back that make sense to love the concept of holy notion that you're exactly right. This look for other things we can do back in the system but might be helpful. So let me thank you for being on the program to thank you for investing time in the book limit. Thank you for the two children that you are now raising know that this book is to help anyone who has an adopted children, especially those resource to the user takes more than love Christian God. But Selman books.org books mixed with racial one friendship. Chapman's friend Dr. Clarence to our production team Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman radiologist on with the ministry and violent