Dear Gary | September Edition

My whole life I've never felt love darkly healthy marriage. Everything went pretty good there baking here and after we got married thinking more about the mention was made, get ready. Challenging questions about Mary's single life and the love languages coming up day on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" is our September edition of dear Gary and remember to call and ask a question for future broadcast today's a great day to do that.

Call us at 186-6424 Gary 186-6424.

And maybe you'll hear an answer to your relational future broadcast future resource today is a book by Dr. Chapman. The long reduction one things I wish I'd known before we became parents about it, movie books.word. I think this is a book that could really help young couples who were planning to have children or who already have children in the home degree new Chris I wish I had had this book before so I'm reflecting and I wrote it with the co-author who has three children still at home because I wanted to, zero in on some water still had children better work with me on this and so were just trying to share things that we wish we know before we had children.

So I think if a person is thinking about dinner or maybe already pregnant, expecting a child. Good time to read this book and are to have young children still at home because I'm giving practical ideas of things that I learned the hard way that I could have learned beforehand. If I had simply had someone or something that could draw that could about these things about if you want to find out more things I wish I'd known before we became parents go to Moody books.OR all right, let's begin the conversation today with a son who has a struggle with his dad.

Can the love languages help. I've never felt loved by you. Very critical and very sparse positive affirmations that you know that my love language, but you just nuke them. More recently, I've been trying to connect with them.

I asked my father what is public it wouldn't tell me that I have particular questions and tell me as result, you wouldn't.

I'm trying to know you loved by my dad and I want him to feel about me not cooperating and I don't know what to do.

Thank you Chris. First of all this raises emotions of sadness in my heart because every son deserves to have a father who loves them in a meaningful way and this father lay in his own mind.

Love the son, but obviously he's not expressing it in a way that's meaningful to the sun. I would suggest this and that is an approach that's a little different and that is ask your dad some questions about his life growing up things like dad. What was it like growing up on the farm are growing up in a factory, whatever with his background is and in conversations like that what what know what did your father do your asking him what did your father do as a vocation and asking about his father and those kind of things that he may or may he may be reluctant to answer these things because maybe there's things in his past with his father that he's kind of buried and doesn't want talk about but I think to ask him questions about his history, not just with about his father's relationship with him.

But what what life is like, you know, what was it like in middle school, for you are in high school for you. The more he will talk about those things. And since that you really want to know and learn from his experiences in the past often that kind of approach will begin to open up his heart so that he will be thinking going back and reliving some things in his past life and the fact that your interested in knowing those things may make an emotional time with him that that maybe is not there right now there's reasons why father does not respond positively when a son asked him would you be willing to take this quiz sometime some of their different things and sometimes her father was that in his mind he say I want to go the quiz so wouldn't I would write it off this because he won't like the quiz, but if you have any clue as to what his love language might be. I would definitely speak it. You don't have to have warm feelings toward him in order to speak, love, because love begins with an attitude. I'd like to enrich my dad's life.

Also, I would say despite the fact that he's very critical of you.

I would look for some positive things in his life, which you can affirm and perhaps you're already doing this, but you know letting them know how much you appreciate the fact that he is supported the family through the years. If he has already helped you in high school or college or any anything else that you see him doing that you really appreciate that. So what you're doing is giving him words of affirmation that may or may not be his primary love language, but everybody likes to hear positive words and to say also to him that is anything I can do for you that that might make your life easier and he may come up with an idea and if he doesn't into the best of your ability. I do it that question.

What can I do to make your life easier if if his love languages, acts of service, he will respond to that and when you do those things. He will begin to sense my sons got up what happened to him. He's got a new new twist. Here he sees all offered to do things for me. I would that I would take some of those approaches, and I just can see what happens when I heard the question.

I thought the sun is in pain with his father, but it felt like the father was in some kind of pain to that he was pushing his son away and there was something back there that Kenna has him trapped and not able to express love and so if you see your dad is kind of you know a wounded animal, and we don't know this. I just take it, taking it from the question if you see your dad is wounded, then you may have little more empathy for him and in moving toward him. That would allow some of that, you know you'd be open to to anything that he has to say might turn the spigot on as they say where I come from. I think that's think that's true, Chris, and as you said, we don't know anything about his father's background, but often when a father is critical of his son. His father was also critical of him and maybe growing up. He said I'll never do that but it was so ingrained in him that that he's following the model of his father sent but I think what we talked about trying to have conversations with him and and look for ways that you can enrich his life and those of the places I think start our program is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and this is our dear Gary broadcast for September. We'd love to hear your question for Dr. Chapman called today and leave your message. The number is 186-6424 Gary, this is not a counseling line.

We can't call you back.

But if you keep your question as brief as possible.

Try to address it here on the program. Call 186-6424 Gary featured resource is the book by Dr. Chapman and Dr. Shannon Warden things I wish I'd known before we became parents find out more at moodybooks.orgmoodybooks.org we had a caller Gary who asked to remain anonymous so you can hear her voice have transcribed the question and that's a good reminder if you have a sensitive question and you don't want people to hear your voice call.

Leave your question. Make sure you tell us you know don't transcribe this fourth but will transcribe it. I'll ask it and the number again is 866424 Gary questions this I'm single in my 40s I have a guy in my life is interested in me romantically.

We been out several times, but I don't have romantic feelings for him.

He's a stable churchgoing Christian with a good job and we definitely share similar values and belief systems. Given that people fall out of love and about 18 months. I wonder if it's worth it to move ahead with the relationship with him, with the intent to marry, even if I don't have romantic feelings. Knowing that those ultimately go away anyway.

I noticed he's a good man and I know my chances of finding someone who I could fall in love with is becoming increasingly slim at this point I honestly don't want to grow old alone. I would love to hear your thoughts about entering a relationship with the intent to marry, even in the absence of romantic feelings. What you say first of all think it's a very insightful question and I think there are individuals who have asked that question along the way. I don't know that we had on our program here, but I certainly have had that question along the way and I'm glad that she has read enough about romantic love to know that the in love experience the euphoric feelings I do have an average life span of around two years and we do come down off that high. So marriage cannot be based on those romantic feelings has to be more than that in the kind of things that she's talking about here are the kind of things that really ultimately are far more important when she's saying we have common commonalities in our belief system and similar values and all that sort of thing that I'm not. I'm not saying she should marry him just because they have those commonalities. I do think this the more time she spends with him. Dating him and processing life with him. Maybe even doing some things that that he enjoys doing things in the car racers or whatever. Go with him to those things. Imagine what it would be like to be married to him in that context, you're sitting there with him something you're not interested in maybe or maybe you're in the symphony or interest in the Symphony. He's not but he is willing to go with you and see how he responds to the Symphony because we tend to be different after we get married, then we are before we get married so I think doing some things like that together and discussing some things.

Maybe you don't agree on. You have some commonalities but there's likely a number of things that you would disagree on and see how how you how will you process conflicts together whether he's open to your ideas or whether you know he's always right about whatever the position is or whatever the argument is not you I'm not in a position to say yay or nay as to what you should do.

I'm just saying I would necessarily write it off the possibility of marriage simply because you don't have those euphoric feelings, but I certainly would discuss the love language concept and discover each other's love language because ultimately this is the kind of love that's going to have a positive impact on the marital relationship. St. maybe you didn't have those romantic things beforehand. But if he knows your love language and he's speaking it on a regular basis and you know his love language in your speaking in a regular basis. You do feel emotionally connected you do begin to feel they care about me, they would be there from the whatever happens, and it's that kind of love, really that's going to carry you through in a good marriage and that's why my book of things I wish I'd known before we got married I say I wish I'd known that romantic love has two stages. One is the euphoric stage and most couples do have before they get married.

But the second stage is far more important and that is love is an attitude I'm in this relationship to enrich your life to help you. I want to express love to you in a meaningful way. I want to do whatever I can to help you. He has that attitude, you have that attitude and in a dating relationship or exhibiting that seems to me that the time will come when you will know in your heart.

Whether this should lead to marriage or not, so that the lack of tingles at this point is not a reason to run away from the relator say no to the relationship. The tingles might come later on deeper tingles than just the surface what's right yeah yeah I think it's time to go deeper not necessary just to write it off because you don't have romantic feelings and maybe maybe you've never had romantic feelings I don't know. Or maybe you've dated in the past and had romantic things in the past don't have them here or maybe there certain things about him that kind of turn you off emotionally, and that that would be a red flag waving you if there certain things about him. He thought just on the phone live with somebody that does that are talks like that are so I would look for those things that that might be that in your mind with appear to be difficult if he's going to be like that.

The rest of his life and those of the kind of things that I think that would lead to the place where you say no I don't I don't think this should lead to marriage. Again, if you will respond to what Gary just said, 866424 Gary, we'd love to hear your perspective on that question. Or maybe your experience as well. 866424 Gary is her next caller. What is a healthy marriage. You're talking about removing wall between hospital lights or relationships in general but the wife here does all all will go it was extra stuff but there I was wondering how I was like you want your saying that what you're talking about thought that it was. It was mostly taken for granted that were dealing with two reasonably healthy people to start with and then court yeah and give direction that this is the sort of thing that has to happen in a healthy marriage. I want to report.could you expand a little bit on what exactly is healthy marriage, or conversely, what is not thinking someone that has shown very strong, narcissistic tendencies would not be included in a healthy relationship and how to recognize.or or how to handle that.

I would appreciate something on now. Thank you yeah is a good question written some books.

The deals pick. It is hard to break it down and be concise about it but I do think I would say this in a healthy marriage there be an attitude of service between the husband and wife.

That is, he will have.

This is Ephesians chapter 5. Husband love your wife like Christ loved the church and gave himself for it, and healthy marriage, the husband will have that attitude. The wife will submit to her husband serve her husband, so it's a mutual attitude of service in a healthy marriage.

He's doing everything he can to enrich her life.

She's doing everything she can to enrich his life shows an attitude of service.

I think there'll also be intimacy in a healthy marriage by then.

I'm not talking just about the physical part of the marriage think there will be intellectual intimacy, they will share freely their ideas their desires, their thoughts, there will be emotional intimacy.

Then share their emotions not just talk about what happened the day but how I felt today. They will have a social intimacy. They will enjoy doing things together outside the house and there be a yes physical intimacy that there'll also be spiritual intimacy be sharing your journey with God with each other about a healthy marriage.

Now also I think we will we will be meeting each other's need for love.

We will be speaking each other's love language so that that deep need that all of us have to feel loved. I will be met in the relationship, and then along with that.

I think yes there will be apologies, which is where the conversation started.

There will be apologies. When we realize we have hurt them in some way and and all of us will not of us are perfect, but we will apologize and we will also forgive each other. I think those are some of the signs of a healthy family and all of us aspire to have that kind of family. So that's why I think reading books and discussing them with each other is often a positive mood toward building those kind of things into a marital relationship a little bit during the pandemic that was called up five simple ways to strengthen your marriage when you're stuck at home together and ask their work when you're stuck at home together or not, but you might want to buy. Want to look at that book and if you want more information is good a mood e-book's.org or again if you have a question for Gary and future dear Gary broadcast 866424 Gary, you mentioned apology. Let's set turn to that little beeper with that, here's the question about an effective, sincere apology.

Gary, I'm listening to your book on want to say that I've been trying to be marketable and trying to reconcile with my wife that I might have caused everyone got mad all the thing thing but I don't feel like anything is helping me and I would like to know if there .1.

I should quit trying to ask for forgiveness and move on. I just feel like I need some more help to help me be the man she wants me to be in. I just know that your program might have some way that might be what help me try to get back on track with my life. I can feel the hurt in the heart of the of the scholar when there has been failures in the past amendment. I'm talking about rather significant failures where the spouse has been deeply hurt and men, and then the person has acknowledged that there sorry and I've apologized but then a similar thing happens again and then again and I've seen this many many times in the counseling office, the person offends them, hurts them over and over again each time they apologize it becomes difficult for that person to forgive them because in their mind there asking how could they be sincere in their apology if they don't change their behavior and I don't know that that's true in this case, but I do know that this is a very common scenario.

So I would say there's if your spouse is said, for example, you know I can't.

You keep on saying I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry that's not an apology and I can't forgive you because you don't make any effort to change what with her saying negative things like that to you I think is probably wise not to continue repeating the same kind of thing you said alone.

On the way but to start focusing on changing your behavior and whatever has hurt them in the past. I let them share it with you in the sight of immuno hernia been thinking about us and I know that I hurt you. Many times, and I realize that you probably don't even love me anymore and don't maybe only will be with me anymore, but I want to try to understand your hurt. So can you just go back in and share with me the things that come to your mind where I failed you in the past and they still hurt you because I really I really really would love to have a good relationship with you and obviously I don't have a set yet, expressing that kind of interest in her hurt and I know she's told you many times in the past but listen to it again and try to identify it yourself in her shoes and when she tells you some event that happened in the past you say your tears come to your eyes and you say you know it's hard to believe that I did that I can see how that hurt you deeply and she tells you another one you identify with it.

You try to look at her heart in her mind and what she's been through in the past with you and and and you're almost crying as she share these shares these things with you that would be a good starting place. I think that is just trying to identify with her pain because sometimes we feel like well you you need to get over that you know you do send her you need to get over that if Christians forgive each other and and so we condemned them because they they won't forgive a simple go forward with the relationship. So I think that would be a starting place. Obviously the book you're reading is a good book to be reading because it it it talks about that you know what, what a sincere apology looks like it is different for different people. Just as people have a love language. They also have an apology language. Getting some good information on that. But remember, you can't make your spouse forgive you. You kill, you can only acknowledge her failures, and apologize in a way that is sincere. The best way you know how and you have to leave forgiveness up to them. Forgiveness is a choice, but sometimes people feel like that forgiveness is a feeling, and they're so hurt that they just cannot say I forgive you because in their mind. It's too deep. The hurt is too deep.

I can't just overlook all of this I can't just let it go. And that's why your behavior in the present and the future is so important.

If they see a change in you a change in your attitude change in your behavior toward them.

That's the most powerful thing you can do after you listen to them empathetically and identified with her pain making changes positive changes is certainly a way to influence them in a positive way. We can't change them that we can influence them by our positive behavior. The number one way that I've gone wrong with this is to get defensive unit honey would you tell Eva what it is that I hurt you, and then she starts in the one thing is that I will never have and that way you still hold onto that. You know why or why can't you move on from that those types of things rather than like you say no just hear what is still there. Sit with that and it's going to be uncomfortable to sit with you know that the words even if the perspective is off track. You know it. I didn't. I remember having that way.

Don't be defensive.

Just listen to it and then as you said, boy, I can see I can see and and don't manufacture tears either. You can't manufacture those but you can listen right absolutely absolute and if you listen really trying to put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes that you might you may have tears just naturally because your your file begin to feel the pain that they felt through the years is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman and if you enjoy our program, please visit our website.

Five love languages.com area. Find out more about Dr. Chapman's New York Times bestseller, "The 5 Love Languages" . You can also hear podcast of the program and take a helpful assessment of your love language just got a five love languages.com featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's book, written with Dr. Shannon Warden. It's titled things I wish I'd known before we became parents find out more about that and other great books Moody.org right here is a call I don't think we've ever received on Building Relationships. Gary II want to hear how you will tackle this marriage situation. Insurance. He said that we start to put it in a separate I cannot write thank you Chris. Some research indicates that disagreement over money is the number one this agreement, the couples have found out that's really true, but some research indicates that well here. Obviously this is an issue.

Now what I'm understanding is she was driving a car and she had a car wreck.

The insurance paid for the car but the car was in his name so he says it's his money and he's putting in a separate account and not doing any of it to her.

My first question is what's going to about driving to have another car because typically if the car is totaled in an accident you got about another car to replace that car. So that would be my first question.

It's not something money that he should spend or she should spend its money that should be used.

To purchase another vehicle that maybe maybe you already have another car, maybe go start each driving the same car. Well it's going to be a different lifestyle. If you had two cars in the past so this sort of disagreement probably is simply surfacing some problems that are already there. In this relationship regarding money or maybe regarding other things, say I have no idea of knowing why he's taken this approach.

You know it could be that she's a spender and he's afraid that if he puts it in a joint account shall spend a lot of the money on something before he has a chance to find another car say out I don't know what his motivation is motivation may be positive and he wants to purchase another car and got the money to do it and he doesn't want to put in the regular checking account. The joint account because she shall spend and then I will have the money to buy a car soaked. I think I would I would try to find out why he is making that decision, but I understand if the relationship is fractured, you know you don't really have a good relationship used in living the same house that I can understand why she the caller is concerned about this because it feels like he's taken all that money what's going do with and she doesn't know but I think if you wrote even a halfway healthy marriage. She could say honey. Now that's interesting what what are you what you plan to do with the money.

Are you going to try to replace the get another car out of it or what what are your what are your thoughts about because I don't know maybe she knows, maybe she doesn't know. But certainly the question would be why what what are you going do with the money okay if he puts it in another account so that it would be there in order to purchase another car so that I think a good open discussion and but that's probably the problem in my gas. They don't have the kind of relationship where they can have a good open, honest conversation.

So is that a does that point to a deeper thing you wait when you counsel young couples and talk with them about what where does the money go with. If both of us work does it go into one mutual pool. You know, and that in the joint account. Do you have separate accounts. What you counsel. There I don't think there's a either/or situation clears the reality is when you get married all the money that each of us have is our money is not your money and are in my my money to our money. Now that also is true of the debts that you may have. When you get married. Many people get married and have a school that if he has a $30,000 school debt and she has a $10,000 school debt. Now they have a $40,000. So that's the philosophy and marriage.

We become one and so what we possess it hard don't possess. It's it's all one now how you handle it is another issue in are there many couples who put it in a common checking account one checking account and then they each year the bills are paid out of that and then they each can spend money out of that for whatever but it in something that some couples choose to put in separate accounts and in certain bills are paid out of the kill she has insert up in the county has but they both they still have a sense it's our money insisted this is the way were handling our money now in a situation where one of them is an excessive spender. My suggestion is that you set a limit on how much either one of you will buy without consulting the other is saying that neither one of us will buy anything because more than $100 without consulting the other. You can set whatever amount you want to because it's our money. And if we have no limits then one of them who has a spending personality will spin two times or three times as much as the other will spin and he will like to become a problem in the marriage but if you get an agreement that we will spin anything over that amount until we discuss it and agree on it, you're far more likely to not end up fighting over that issue might be helpful in this situation to have 1/3 party there to help you have some healthy communication. I know you're all for that. A counselor pastor somebody that can can be an intermediary.

So that's our car wreck question today and next up for Dr. Gary Chapman at again if you go to five love languages.com you can find out more about the love language concept and you could even hear our program again right there.

Five love languages.com you know your spouses love language and that spouse says don't use that with me.

What's a husband to do.

Here's an X caller situation, your spouse and likes to do physical aspects of the love languages yet. She has told you that she does not want to have any contact with you just checked out trying to reconnect with my wife. Thank you spouse comes as a place where they say I can't take this anymore. It's not a matter of your speaking their love language is other issues that have brought that person to that place and so what I'm understanding is her her love language. He understands his physical touch. But now she saying don't touch me. I want to be touched has nothing to do really.

With love language.

It has to do with the fractured relationship that that exists between the two of you. The road to reconciliation is first of all, letting her share with you the things that are fractured the relationship from her side. Maybe you already know some of these because she liked is already spouting about sometimes maybe even anger. But trying to understand why she feels the way she is and why she wants to have nothing to do with you, don't touch me. That's where they that's where the problem lies. And if the two of you can get to the root of that if she's open I would certainly be on your part. Be willing to go to counseling with her and let someone outside 1/3 party hear both of you and your perspectives and help you hear each other so that you can identify with her. Her and her pain.

She can identify with your frustration and with the counselors help you can begin to take steps to tear down the walls that are already there and are hurting so that you might get get to the place where she's willing to receive an expression of love because right now my guess is she so hurt. She doesn't want an expression of love, even if it's in her love language she doesn't want that from you because she already feels like for whatever reason that she's an emotional distance from you that would be my guess as to what the dynamics are in the situation and I my suggestion would be listening to her let her tell you why she feels the way she feels.

And if she's at all open be willing to go for counseling with her, much like the apology question that we had a little earlier.

The empathy that can come through in that situation right yeah exactly because you eat, he likely doesn't understand why she would respond to her love language. He's trying to speak her love language, but it has nothing to do with with the love language. It has to do with what has happened in the past that has brought her to the place where she doesn't want to receive love from this is Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times bestseller "The 5 Love Languages" are featured resource today is Dr. Chapman's book, written with Dr. Shannon Warden. It's titled things I wish I'd known before we became parents find out more by going to Moody book's.org that Smitty books.org and again if you have a question for Gary in the future. Dear Gary broadcast you call 186-6424 Gary leave your question be as brief as you can turn on the radio in the background to that house, 866424 Gary next up is an adult with a question about some inquisitive teenagers. Here's the next caller girls from five languages, one of your books more appropriate than another teachers about for parents but is there appropriate for this age group. I would love to have an answer back thank you so much.

I do have a book directly written to teenagers. It's call 18's guide to the five love language is the one you mentioned is her parents. "The 5 Love Languages" of teenagers is for parents helping them learn how to effectively love their teenager, but this one is written to the teenager.

A teen's guide to "The 5 Love Languages" and if you are working with these gals and small study group that would be an excellent book for you to take them through that book and discuss that with them and you find out more about that it Moody book's.org go to Moody books.org I Gary I know if you're ready for another financial question here, but this is after a big change in life.

How I make this work. Here's our next caller.

I recently became went out back and October and very found of my head that now I don't have $700 in our monthly budget. We wouldn't say a lot of credit card debt about $3000 in credit card debt, but the payment on that $3000 is difficult to meet with the decreased income + paying these cards if I close the card that negatively impact my credit score.

If I do it voluntarily. Thank you for your feedback on this and thank you for your ministry but I think anything that we lose a spouse.

It's a dance is a huge transition in life because it been two of us we perhaps had two incomes are. We had to dance whatever it's it's a difficult thing financially as well as emotionally. Of course, to process the loss that is there when I hear this color saying is she has less money now than she coming in on a regular basis than she did before he died. Maybe they are both old enough and they're both on sick Social Security so now she's lost his part of that income.

But there's a $3000 credit card debt first. Well I would say you do have the responsibility to pay that debt, and the sooner you can pay it the better because the interest rate on credit card debt is super super high. I would would do everything you can to pay that off as soon as possible once you get the debt paid off if you want to close down that credit card account. That's not going to affect your credit rating at all because you are you disclosing down a credit card account but there's no balance that in it so so the first thing is to focus on paying off the debt that is there as quickly as you can and then if you want to close out the credit card and not use already you have another credit card. I don't know, always best to pay cash if you can it's okay to use credit cards that can help you keep records but to get credit on credit cards. So you're only paying so much per month to get it paid off your paying up pretty high percentage right anywhere from 18 to 20%, and maybe even higher.

Now it's a debt that really needs to be paid off as quickly as you can then seek to live on the money that you have coming in every month so just in summary, pay off the credit card debt is soon as you can.

You can charge things on a credit card but pay them off when they come due. Don't borrow money from a credit on the credit card because your interest rate will be extremely high and we have another program on the radio moneywise life that gives a lot of help and if you go to Moody radio.org you can find out more about money wise live but really agree with you Gary pay that off as fast you can answer some of us that this way that you can hear Intervoice but those are real concerns.

Now we have one more real concern before we conclude today. The final call is a marital struggle. Something has changed, and this wife doesn't know what it is in regards to marriage 10 years everything pretty good there in years after we got married and things changed. I'm trying to figure out exactly what do I need to do. I know that I pray quite a bit. I know God. They think they play an enhanced timeframe, not mine and recant someone that can give me some thinking I'm not can be differently thinking I hear the caller saying that before they got married there communication was really positive and open and discuss things with each other, but that after marriage that seem to change, and there was not as much openness to communicate about things, and communication is really the lifeline of a marriage. We can have an intimate marriage without communication and communication involves two things talking and listening. Why should that be so hard but it is hard because we also have emotions and we often disagree with some idea that our spouse as our sump action that they have taken and so consequently we either argue with each other, which makes it more difficult to communicate because no one likes an argument to either argue and then our communication can slacks off or we continued to talk, but is more of a one-sided talk that the persons will go do it their way.

Our son will be at all well if that's the case it's hard to live with that over the long haul. What I would suggest that this lady is that she have an open, honest conversation with her husband and say honey I don't how you feel about our marriage, but I just feel like surely we can make it better than it is just like to know what your struggles are what do you struggle with in my behavior or how I respond to you what, what, what's going on inside of you. How do you evaluate where we are is I think both of us would like to have a growing marriage and you open yourself up to that and let him chances are he will share and then you listen to it. Don't don't come back and contradict what he says don't say will that's not true. You taken that wrongly you just listen to it and listen law. You can ask questions, let them clarify what he saying and then eventually you can say to him you know I think I hear what you're saying and I can see how that makes sense and I can see how that has affected us in a negative way. Not now that limit. Let me share my side. And since you've listen to him and affirmed his thoughts and his feelings then changes he'll listen to you and you you can share your side you here's here's what I was thinking when I did that, no, maybe this is wrong thinking. But here's what I was thinking because you've listen to him. He's more likely listen to you and see where you're coming from and then the question is how can we, how can we solve the second like it better and there you can always make a marriage better but it's easier if you talk about how can we make it better. And then the two you begin working on that plan, and one way to begin working on is simply take it like a book on marriage.

Any book that you want you so marriage from a Christian perspective and read a chapter week. Each of you read the chapter and then you ask your see each other.

What can we learn from this chapter that would make our marriage better.

This is an organized way to get ideas in front of you. And if you've never done that. I would suggest that you after you had this conversation that you might agree to read a book like there is certainly a lot of good books that you have written and one of them is our featured resource if you're a young parenting young children go to Moody books.org you see things I wish I'd known before we became parents Moody books.or you have a question for Dr. Chapman call us at 186-6424 Gary we love to hear from you. 866-4249 coming up next week navigating the complexities of cross-cultural adoption path or an adoptive mom. Brittany found a big thank you to our production team backing building relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman's accident radio in Chicago in association with publisher ministry in many Bible thankfully