Dealing With Grief; click here to listen

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It's really pretty cool. We have some people that you won't hear on the microphone and probably because they knew Robby was to be away and so I want to come in, hang out with us today that Dennis your back this week. Are you feeling better feeling better and a lot more talking human Robby we do we do that is with us today very today we have returning to the show Jim Graham Jim got had with us today great debater and then finally we have a guess.

It's not been with us before Mr. McCain and I must answer any of your online hello and that today were to be talking about a topic that I think a lot of times people only equate it to just one little area that literally creates major error in her life but segment talking about grief. You know what is grief. Why is it important agree there's lots of questions it will try to cover today as we talk through some things were to come from what some of the stages of grief and what some of the myths about grief and some of do's and don'ts as we get going, would elicit the clip right out the gate back and talk about it and today show what makes a very special we have both Misty and Jim, who in their profession missed your your hospice chaplain with which County with with community health care and hospice in grandstand mechanics translated out of the facilities in good and individual houses and help with hospice.

There yes and Jimmy have done a fair amount of that type of stuff over your time in ministry as well. Yes, I volunteered hospice but virtually everything in counseling has some level grief in all absolutely, absolutely.

The first government listen to a movie called the unfinished life and what happens before this clip you have. Jennifer Lopez is the wife of the deceased husband got killed in a car wreck and she's talking with her father-in-law who lost his son is Robert Redford know you just listen to how grief plays out for both of them in the scene talking about so I was when you click in the morning to make it into the rodeo in Great Falls flipped a coin that was 1/4 was a nickel no show my kids call tried to keep living and you will uplifting that you talk about the second Jimmy were saying something before we went to the clip. The grief isn't always when you lose a loved one.

This could be obviously here father who is grieving and wife is grieving for different reasons. Grief comes from a lot of different places doesn't yes the bigger ones is that the relationship there. You usually have more grief involved or spouse because there's always the guilt.

What else can. Usually, you have that as well.

We heard that this clip but you don't have the level of guilt and second-guessing siding.

What else. Plus you have the person out there still.

So there's always that part of well and I were apart. Now, but you can still get back together but normally and that extends the great grieving. At some level people look at that to some degree that the person died and I still have a choice in most cases you know but in a relationship split somebody or somebody's had choices that were made along the way and not finish it out with a little bit of that. This is pastured and if you don't mind sharing a part of the program I was and we had we had a great class in one of the things I realized that process was that I still had some sort some greeting to do over a failed marriage, which I've been divorced for almost 22 years now and had long since thought that all that was dead and gone, that that the forgiveness it taken place that the guilt was gone and it wasn't there were still things to process in this that I've been walking around with for years.

It will come up emotionally at times, but there were many times where I just press that we had a daughter to raise on other things going on in our lives in and there were times where I just walked on and never really dealt with, and I think men tend to do that. A lot of times are not trying to stereotype us. Misty could say some about that but I think a lot of times we just want to suppress it and not really deal with it and that was something I had to face Misty and what you do.

I would imagine I may not been in your shoes, but grief is a pretty daily thing you deal with is not what it what does everybody kinda process the same way. Do they react differently what you see when you're in people's homes or in a facility with family members with person who is on maybe the last few days or last few weeks. Grief is an individual and unique as the person is now a talking grief that can be shared like that grief of the divorce or the grief of something that can be shared is actually how disenfranchised grief and it is a grief that you feel like you have to hold inside and not know that he really will understand. Grief is an anger ever allows a lot of times anger is a main proponent send it is like someone has taken something from me and ripped it away from you and your lifetime sets when you blame somebody because your wanting to find an object to blame said that you don't have to take that pain on inside yourself as you listen to that clip theirs and blaming yes going on there. You dad blaming a little bit want to know who's who's to blame is to blame and she's living with guilt and blame yourself as yes yes and we try to make sense out of everything we try to make sense out of everything that happens to us and said, blame is a way of trying to make sense and organize our thoughts, even though it might not be an accurate betrayal what's going on so we try to logically deal with grief. Yes, that were true, Weldon typically doesn't work out very now. Sure, you see opportunities for grief in your lifetime you know what some other things you can assume death of the loved one, or last relationship to what some of the things that people can grieve over. Maybe you have in your life firm believer that grief so is the type agrees most of the time it's a relationship that can stay with you all your life and you don't want to give it up and it for me a confidence I'm talking about my deceased wife I can never forget. I talked every day in this grief that Enos you hear about something. Most of the time they.in your grade for a month or so you don't forget, but it's out of your mind. So me for grief and grieving is a lifetime process for my type of grief which was my first wife I talked to three times a day and it's as if she's there now. This may sound weird but that's a complex me to know that I could talk to absolutely anyone ask your question and we teach a lot of times because your little bit older than we are just a little just a little. But as you've gone through different stages of life is her grieving process.

Maybe we can do a little lesson you could before or you can't do things the way you used to be able to exert a feeling of loss through that well yeah but you know as you living in a specially guy my age.

Grief comes into your life almost every day from you see something that you're going to grieve about an open, so it's a steady thing. It's just how you handle it. I chose to handle it by forgetting if that makes sense. She's not here.

He's not here to sons and a wife, not here, but that doesn't mean that I could have to forget them.

I just keep on respecting them and telling them I love you and that site that also helps you kind of move through the grief cycle. Oh yes it helps you move through the grief cycle but the thing that's very important is that there's all kinds of grieving. I believe you know when something comes into your life like me tell you little story didn't know my wife. I think I've told you before Sam had a grandfather that died in 1941 I was 10 years old. They figure it out, and I would walk would, and many will hold my hand and speak to me in Italian teaching me.

All of a sudden he died.

I was devastated and then they shouldn't go to a funeral.

Paula they put the body in the house for a week and I thought you had to kiss him good night and blah blah blah. But when when it was all right Walking the streets that he and him walk every single day and about a week and 1/2.

After that my grandmother was at the end of one of the blocks granted by the hand and said nonetheless gone. You gotta forget how hush and kind of talk a little bit more about the stages of grief. The do's and don'ts of how to help somebody going to grief and also what we really do when were grieving we let that get out and deal with it properly and I can do is to mask injury radio.org for upcoming injury. Radio's list are supported very thankful for every dollar but I wanted to take a moment to share really easy way to support use Amazon to purchase things you need to do smile.amazon.com security contribution site and from there select good heart ministries and Amazon will donate 5% of your purchase to watch a video on how to do this mask injury radio that's mask injury radio.org dealing with our masculine heart and what is the Christian life have to do with any of that. That's why I could not be more excited about what's coming up November 3 through the sixth. The event that realistically change my walk with God more than any other thing other than coming to Christ was a boot camp.

Yes, the team from masculine journey radio is having our own four days and it's masculine journey. Earlybird price is journey radio down on Jesus, you gotta help me to stand just got my time and on and pretty excited about this. What yeah I was pretty excited because James Taylor's North Carolina said Carolina boy there that's written a lot of good songs over the years.

I think he still goes out as matter fact, if you guys are looking pretty close. It's hard for people not want to jump in and sing the songs you know pretty well. And honestly, when I was looking for clip as you pick those for us and I was looking this weekend and when I put in Google songs about grief.

That song came up and went really, that's a song about grief website for years never really knew what the words were down and you really look at yeah that's what's going on here think I don't think that register with me until I heard when you send it send it send it over and I listen that song.

Time and time again, but that the topic of grief wasn't really what I was thinking about was now cool. Yeah, I didn't really think about it you know when the person wasn't there anymore. There are stages of grief you go through and for every person they look a little different and the duration is different. Misty what you doing as you go through your dear chaplain training on that. What are the stages of grief. The PIP people typically move through the millionaire grief stages that we learn about lease with Ross and there's been a lot of studying since then and there's not any sat way to get a three-day stages and other people have come up with theories their task or is a journey that looking at the stages that you're talking about, there's usually five denial, bargaining, anger or depression in acceptance that is not clear-cut and you don't go through.

You can get back and forth. He can do to tenuously everyone is unique and sometimes you even find that when you're grieving and you issue all the old grief comes back and it reminds you of things that maybe hadn't work there or maybe you have work early and even the word work through is not an accurate way of putting it back. You are experiencing that pain.

I'll ever again. In general, and ask your question on some of the stages. Denial what it will assist and I want to me.

What's it really kind of look like for somebody like denial is often very and it is an expression of our can't believe this happened or there not going to die is often if it's regarding death itself immediately after. Even before God's will and maybe in stage IV cancer and every organ in their body is eaten up, but God miraculously healed he can but that is the norm by a long shot. So it was bargaining look like bargaining is taking a stance of Allah do this if you fix this for God is normally the bargaining is with God, yeah, it's probably that early on as well and often it's people that have no relationship with God.

Normally, but you will see that when we get into these life-and-death situations. There's lots of things the grief is brought on by. We talk about that little bit earlier but in less a friendship.

We talk about relationship. You understand that that's a man and wife, writer, marriage situation, but very much so if you ever lose your best friend in the other big fight of some sort and you know that relationship severed you go through the same cycles.

Some degree as you do.

Grief member grieving quite a bit over the loss of a job as company as was 17 years and retire there and talk about the show before, but even today I saw some pictures as I was looking up some stuff from the company and send them to some people that I worked with that I hear constantly from boy I miss that place you and still there some level that grieving that's going on and it was just a place to work, but is more the relationships that Mrs. relationships with their job.

They have gaps Misty pointed out something that's very important for people to understand. You don't go through here. Stage MCCXXXIV how I accept you can get to acceptance and then go back to other stages of very… Michael tall story about Dr. earlier. My father died and I was with acceptance pretty quickly because God had set things up for me to accept it despite the fact it was three weeks before my daughter's wedding, but five years later at God spoke to me in Israel voices I've ever heard asking me why I was angry at them and I knew immediately talking about was angry at my father for dying.

As I God for taking so we go back to these things and were never getting over grief is a phrase I don't like you get through green and you're always good to have some level of grief and loss, absolutely. My dad died 1984 and I missing every bit as much today as I did back then. It feels different but it still hurts, and there still avoid their units missing.

I think that's what Vinnie was talking a little bit about so then she talked a little bit about this earlier. Why is it important to let yourself grieve and talk about your situation is a 20 year span.

What does that look like for you during this 20 years we hadn't let yourself grieve properly. Well it's certainly the first thing that comes to mind is trying to have any other relationship with her that there was a few times with the with a woman while trying to have different relationships and I was never able to stay in those relationships quick because I hadn't processed would what happened with my wife and I on there would be times just out of the blue were where I would usually rent New Year's or something like that where I would just break out in tears.

And I still have a lot of sadness over what was going on.

Another big issue was self forgiveness because I blamed myself for a lot of things that it happened in our marriage, and consequently it affected my life in just about every area because I'd never I've never forgiven myself for the failure of the marriage and we haven't spoken yet about this, but the enemy is just love in the fertile ground absolute in the midst of all this mean grief is a great place for him to step in, blame or try to stir up emotions and try to put in turmoil in all different stages.

How do you mass couple guys but how do you allow yourself to grieve the Internet something that's hard to think about how misty do you allow yourself to grief. She had to give yourself permission to feel a lot of people say you need to be strong but it's actually not the time to be strong. It is the time to allow yourself to realize there's a whole where that louse used to be what ever it is the job and you need to acknowledge that and allow yourself the ability to feel and to talk to other people about it and to discuss it for me to start losing both my parents won't get into it very deeply, but my dad when he died, my older sister and said you need to be strong. A man of the house now and so I just shut everything down and I shoved it down and it just came out all over the place. It was like a bomb going off at some point my mom passed away the spring as emotions came up.

I just let them process. It was a couple times.

I shoved it down early on, but then God help me, and said no let it go and I still miss her. Yes I'm in a much different place with my mom that I was with my dad and grandma older as well, but in.

I also let myself grieve through some of that process. Listen to the quick clip in the morning talk very quickly the end of how you can help others to grief.

This is a clip from the movie PS I love you and what happens here is the husband knows he's going to die in his wife's 30th birthday is coming up so he prepare something for the DVD that he's on it she gets to watch and cake that he has his name on it, giving it to her image listen only to just listen to how he plans to help her through this grief cycle surprise. I just hate the idea that I'm not going to freak out 23rd.

Okay so pressed that baby can you believe it, I've written you letters becoming all sorts of ways. Number one right most okay don't think it's too brilliant. This is so start watching and not just go celebrate by freeing you from a party with you, especially as I get out just know you listen your husband not only as a desire to help his wife get to grief but enables the friends to jump in your all excited they are making for somebody to grief the pine but you can help in Misty and Jim as you what some things people can do when someone is going to grief that can help. Never assume that you know what someone else is going three. The best thing you say I'm sorry and not offering any platitudes that are so monies better off that way or not to them. That's that's really not the time to say at and Jim as far as what you speak to that what some things that they can do to help his breathing. The most important thing is to really be present saying things like Job's friends. They were doing a great job when they were morning with Joe since they started trying to fix it. Sinning against God. Staying away from some of those things and hear people say like it was time to go back to her. I am or how I felt when this happened, it really doesn't necessarily help the situation but just loving it is something that pastor say this is not really parceling moment absolutely. Everybody's guilty doing this, but I hear Christian friends and I've done some of this himself open on our website. Some of these tips on what to say what not to say myths about grief. Thank you for listening. Go to mask injury radio.org to register for the upcoming boot camp. Talk to you next week