Family: Shame, Guilt, Fear, Hiding

Every man plays a major life doesn't usually feel that way. Jesus speaks of narrow gates wide roads masculine journey is filled with many twists and turns. So how do we keep from losing heart trying to find a way when life feels more like a losing battle than something worth dying for, grab your gear and come on a quest your band of brothers will serve as the guides we call masculine journey masculine journey starts here now. Wow it's Father's Day weekend here in the masculine journey and as you can imagine, that's a really important topic here for us and we have a really just a huge treat for you today were to talk about a father's response to sin sin in his family and you are here to help us out and we haven't believe tremendous guest in this area will center himself. Chief among them put Sam's on the studio by dear friend there. One of the founders of this radio show undoubtedly, there is so great to have you with this, and this out. This subject is really near and dear to every father's heart because you know wow it's a place where we can find ourselves as one of the tools of Satan is funny.

You and I were having a conversation the other day over, I think you read note mill and I was eating pancakes and fat bacon in blotter extra butter.

I think if not mistaken, some carbohydrate filled potatoes and things like that while you reading your senior citizens okay and one of the questions that you asked me was kind of you know how my treating my own heart right now, while I was going through some other stuff that I was telling you about and that was the furthest thing from my mind at the time, but it kinda got me thinking about this and and trying to look at it from my father's perspective. My heavenly father's perspective and he just took me back to well. So how are you treating your children's hearts right now and so it kinda began this this topic for me and I me know. I've talked on the radio before about my own struggle with addiction with sexual addiction and and trying to overcome that have also you know we've all everybody in this room has three boot camps in different things that we've been associated with church and different ministries been associated with men and women who also are struggling some sort of an addiction, whether that's alcohol or drugs or sexual addiction or spending addiction or depression, addiction. Adrenaline addiction numbing. There's a thousand things to be addicted to, but as I begin thinking about that. I was thinking about some conversations that I've had with some people here lately.

One of those conversations with was with one of my children when they said well I know you're going to want this from me dad or you're gonna want me to do this or you're going up think that I should do that and it was it was kind of a very dogmatic type of statement and the thought hit me that will know that that's not true at all lemming that that's the furthest thing from my heart but how did I treat your heart, all your life so that you now believe that even though I've not treated you that way in several years and so I found myself saying to my children, you you've got me mixed up with somebody else and trying to backtrack often and say you know what know this is what I want for you. I want your wholeness.

I want your happiness.

I want your your life to be abundant in Christ in your relationships to be awesome with with your kids and with your mate and with me and your mom and in other people. This is what I want for you how we get there and that's really in your ballpark. You get to choose that and I'm not qualified, nor do I even want to really choose that for you and it kind of surprised me that perhaps God is saying the same thing to me often wait Darren II think maybe you've got me confused with somebody else was speaking of being confused with somebody else that we have Robert De Niro here in the meet the parents feel where this is no as we grow in the grace and understanding of what it means to have grace with our families. Some of us may have started out a little bit like Robert De Niro trying to load on the shame and guilt as he was doing with his future son-in-law here and meet the parents scared.

But I heard a noise so I came down to see if everything was okay is fine. I just am sorry I saw light on her neck and stumbled, and I didn't realize I was okay see anything interesting, no, not at all mean mean this is great.

So I love this way you cozy little nook. I know what you looking as I wife came in, yeah Trinity polygraph machine sent what that is because I have seen these before, but never someone actually up close. You know what it's okay, I will have some forestry how it works is I shouldn't wash you before you know, I know, I know you know so should be a problem know there's no problem as writes complicated that these are hundred percent accurate right price. I feel fairly easily if someone's line now.

I will ask you some questions and all you have to do is answer yes or no right.

Let's give it a world did you fly in an airplane today.

Yes I did nothing lead pot roast for dinner tonight. Yes, no, it was rare little rare for my taste, but I will ask you if you ever watched Sam what what you hear when you hear that guy wanting to get back my future father-in-law you going to get another picture son-in-law, but the way going about getting information in a very shaming play in it forces them to have to answer to something in a way that is just a shame thing yelled. This addiction topic is a laughing matter were not laughing at the topic, but sometimes it is almost laughable.

The way we handle others heart that like really, how do we not yeah that's insane.

That was kind of the way I was feeling recently and in a conversation that I was having with somebody because you know they were talking about their own guilt over you know there addiction and as I talk to them more and more I begin to figure out that that guilt was a was a very old thing numbing the sin of becoming addicted is an old sin people out there may disagree with me but if you do go ahead and quit smoking or drinking coffee or eating sugar or salt or breathing.

Perhaps the point is that we all have something in our life that we started, and made it a habitual thing and probably don't feel that great about it now. And so we can either sit continually in condemnation about that or we can begin to ask God to help us change that and so if you have a an alcoholic or a heroin addict to realize is that the sin that they have fallen into, but are now trying their hardest to get out of that and they finally figured out you know what my hardest didn't help my my hardest is and isn't enough. And so what I need is I need something more, and that more when they finally figure out that it's that it's Jesus and it's his grace. And that's kind of where this you know whole idea came to me was that ultimately it's it's all it's all grace. It's all reliant on grace and that if if we stay in the in the shame if we stay in the false guilt or in the real guilt because there's plenty of real guilt to go around for all of us. There's plenty of real shame to go around for all of us. And so if we stay in that versus beginning to try to figure out how do I start depending on grace and as a family member of an addict. As a father with your kids when they are caught up in something, whether it's just you know I lie about the, the sea, they got on her report card versus in a that you wanted them to get or if it's something much greater.

How do you begin to handle their heart with grace because handling their heart with anything else, is not helpful in most of the things that we tend to use as human beings actually drive us into more shame and more pain and more addiction and more guilt is also true that where we are the most judgmental is often where we have the most struggle ourselves boarded raised a liar you heart cannot stand with somebody last night.

I still do because I want to be loved that.

I'll tell you what I think you want to hear rather than giving you the real truth about that you like I say I okay I think you this idea. Go ahead and ask him talk and you know without that grade.

That then becomes her identity's you know we we take on that mantra. I am this is who I am. I'm a liar I'm an addict, the right and that's no that's not true either. Christ came about. It's a challenge to to find a harbinger.

I like you have this angle on Satan being a lawgiver yeah and will have to get to that in the on the other side of the break, but we think about Satan as being the great lawbreaker, but think in the break about Satan being the great law maker and that may cause all kinds of scary but will talk about here a minute we well remember we got a boot camp cannot advance to Coming up in a couple of the camps go to masculine journey radio.org get registered as a salmon mask my son Eli talk about ways you can help support is clearly a smile that he was on his informational website that Facebook.com where you can click the donate button. We can get to masculine radio.org once again you mail something PO Box 552 7285 I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse to masculine journey boot camp bow go buy one get one free hundred $99 you what an amazing thing that would be to give somebody a gift what they really end up getting as their heart back to listen to what I did frantic on your experience showed me that I could truly hear from God that I can experience them on a daily basis. Coming this fall.

November 1 through the forest, go to masculine journey radio.org and register today. Is anybody that is the down way Father's Day day and we've got our special guest Aaron.

Currently this talking about a father's response to sin. When we write before we are going to break. Darren was talking about this idea of Satan being a law not just a breaker but law maker so that you pick up on.

Well, it hit me the other day because I was having a conversation with somebody that was really struggling with a behavior that for the first time in my life. I saw that behavior as perfectly acceptable and it was legal.

It was helpful to that person and and it was needed and so but they were really apprehensive about choosing that and so I was asking will why, why wouldn't you why. When you go to the doctor and ask him for for this medicine to help you with this problem will because I got the problem because I send II got the problem because I started doing drugs when I was very young and that's wrong. It's sinful, you're right, that was wrong. It was sinful.

Are you still doing that will know I'm trying not to and how are you trying not to well sometimes I need the doctor to help me by giving me a legal prescription for some medication that keeps me from ending up in in that situation where I might need something and might be too tempted and go out on the street to get something and I found myself saying will then go to the doctor. I mean, that's a simple, you know, it's not hard for me it's not me, but it's not hard for me being objective because it wasn't me dealing with it, but then I try to put myself in a situation where if it was me and I could feel that shame, I can feel that condemnation and and I so I started asking them questions will so why is it wrong for you to do that well because it's against the law okay will who made the law, we mean, who made the law will who made that law that says using that particular chemical is is wrong will the government okay so here's the government's okay so we made that law. So what you're telling me is God didn't make that law, but man did make that law and so now were breaking. We broke the law and we admit it.

That was a sin, but now God has figured out a way through medical clinics and everything else through legal means to help you with that situation and the condemnation of having broken the law that God didn't set but man did what God said you shouldn't get drunk, you're right, God did say that and so but all of those things were leading me to the point with this person that look.

The Holy Spirit is working in your life right now. The Holy Spirit is convicting you right now year for the first time since I've known you really reaching out in and clawing with everything you've got hot after God for the help and so why keep wearing that condemnation, and it is what Sam was talking about, just before the break that we start wearing our sin is the identity yeah what is you were talking I was just thinking about that. What will we get two more in that position. I think when I have been dealing with a particular addiction or sin. As we become laser focus like it with the bull's-eye of our life is around that sin. That's all we focus on. We can't see outside to see grace for anything else were so focused on that target.

That target of sin and actually when you listen to the clip earlier. Meet the parents. What I heard was a great performance on both peoples parts like the stepfather was try to make a performance to try to get to his end in the course son-in-law had a performance going on in the word performance. I never even put together but think about it that you're trying to perform in order to get something in this next clip it on a plate as John Lynch and and Dan Allender really think about the word performance feel a sense that something is uniquely wrong. So I never telling anyone feels like, everybody knows it feels like some something on my face that everybody can see you get close enough to me it makes me awkward in crowds. It makes me insecure and makes me perform become a great performer my soul much want to love me and I think if I'm funny enough or talented enough, cool enough, witty enough to funny things in a crowd. You think I'm worth knowing and loving but I don't always so God was mildly disgusted.

Hearing that he loves me really resonate because it's like when it's all said and done, he still in its judgment in sauce and still not have been with where I am who I am is so I don't feel close and I don't feel intimate with him. I don't even feel the freedom to speak to him because he's over there, but here I think she is that judgment that there is something ugly distorted broken about us that if some work to see they could not their relationship with us cannot bear being in relationship. Shame is drives my compulsive whatever manner I'm never going to be enough. So I have permission, I haven't to do wrong. I was also moved by what was being said right before the break. Feeds in this. It's the perception of ourselves that is wrong and my what I was thinking about before the break was that I was his relationship with my son is with us this weekend and he went through a rough time. He was sending he was hiding it, lying about it and that hurt, but I love him so much and I've had similar problems earlier, I could've talked with him about it. I tried but the wall was up because he didn't want daddy seeing him as a human being is a beloved side and if I can in my I mean, it doesn't change my love for him. I felt more close to a when I was being distanced that I did it. Any other time. If I can do that as a human father. How much more is God that come to me in your pain. You said before the beginning of the show Jim that you believe that one of the reasons he didn't was because he was expecting condemnation from you, exactly, because he had learned that from your earlier parenting style rough bad yeah well you know not everybody can be like me.

I think I have not only telling my kids you guess it got me mixed up with somebody else in there. I know you have a bad memory, dad and so but this this whole thing about the I loved what John Lynch said there that that shame will drive my compulsive behavior and maybe your listening right now and you're saying I am not an addict I don't have any addictions I'll bet you got a compulsive behavior and in maybe it's betting people.

They have compulsive behaviors but I'll bet you got an end that in essence this is what an addiction is as a compulsive behavior but you know we we teach our kids from a very, very beginning by threatening consequences or positive consequences immediate week we threatened negative or positive contra carrot is the same thing is yeah right and so you know we put the positive M&M out there for you no potty training and and then we we put that will you know you're not going to get whatever if you don't get the right grades on your report card and so we constantly train our own selves, and we train those in relationship with us that negative consequences should be the motivating factor for doing good. This is what we do in our society.

We have laws.

Why do you behave so you don't go to prison.

We we tell our kids when they're driving you used to be a policeman. Jim and so when were driving down the road and in the year passing a policeman in the car. We tell her get set up straight, make sure your seatbelts on were passing the policeman. Once I got to do with anything. Now the behavior changes based on who's observing you problem I had tried very hard not to allow some going 20 over react.

Lastly, I will ask is that I have so many friends that are policeman. Now I feel bad about you know my driving habits. Often I'd usually apologize to Moses he when I had to go explain why I should be allowed to keep my license once in my past. The guy that interviewed me and asked what are you next policeman. Are you a clergyman and I just broke out laughing because at that time I was both. So that is apparently the ones that speed the most same at the end of that clip. There is a line there that just talking where he pretty much says that in a now that I've fallen I'm eyes will go ahead and just keep sinning.

That's it sat stuff that you know what happened to people been going to bend or whatever you might want to call it that you're already there. What really mattered when I really myself addict. Does it really matter if I continue to do what I'm doing, but that so I am now. Not that I'm believing that I am in, which is not true. And so it keeps you stuck in perpetual place will either get so bad you can't take it anymore.

Something break and break that cycle and you know that's a dangerous bully and Darren Galatians 5 Scott stuff here that forced whelming. Galatians 51 is is kind of what got me started on this that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Such a simple statement that I think most of my life.

I read right over it because it was the first verse. Everybody knows that you know the first verse is just introduction right, but not in this case, freedom is what Christ set us free for and so he wants us to live in that freedom. And yet we find a thousand ways to keep making walls to imprison ourselves. God does talk about consequences. All throughout Scripture, so I'm not saying the consequences that we can't talk about or we shouldn't talk about them. I don't want you here that however Titus 211 says that the grace of God has now appeared and that's what teaches us to say no to ungodliness allowing to pick up more this masculine journey, go to investment journey radio.org register for the book carefully really go to sleep and that all this would love to see you there come up November 1 through the fourth