Shame After Hours

This is Truth Network coming to an infringing masculine journey after hours time be more transparent on the topic, so sit back and masculine journey after hours start my journey after hours and you you you shamed into not mentioning something our regular broadcasted this is any right it isn't even in southern hand you microphone you can share what even is probably what even not his father's day only one day there no no repeat of the eve of an even believe it's it's actually even so get your Father's Day present your kind host.

He got hoops you got to if you were shopping hours and a bunch of social distancing.

You can go doing try to get your present between now and tomorrow – Amazon doesn't deliver within an hour. Most places, yet most places, sometimes within a day's you might be okay. Goodbye now I'm okay reset the clocks back. Your daddy just Father's Day and I think it is. That's tomorrow. I will talk about the topic at hand. Were talking about Shane and the difference between shame and guilt, and if if you don't know if it is we'll talk about it briefly, the ghost of the last podcast if you listen to them out of order and we did really dive into that pretty heavily in the actual messenger any podcast but Darren can you kinda set us up on just a brief difference between the two. Shame and guilt. Guilt is about my actions. Shame is about who I am because of my actions would be probably that the easiest way I could sum it up, we where an identity that is based in shame, often in you know you should you. We ended the show you talking about a lot of what we deal with it.

Boot Camp has to do with that idea the poser comes right out of shame you're ashamed of who you are, therefore you posed to be somebody that you're not right with the new name.

What's the new name trying to to what's God doing when he gives you a new name which is a biblical concept. He is trying to give you your true identity so that you can put off the false self. The shameful self and walk in your true identity rather than the identity that the world or you have given yourself the enemy knows that the agreements that we talk about on different episodes of the show and talk about it.

Boot Camp will help lead to this whole shame place. That's a whole journey that he takes you on is to build a stronghold where you have the shame core right in and that's really what we deal with.

We deal with it through believing something other than what God tells us of who we are right right and so we buy it is the truth and everything kind feeds out of that and we every single one of us and we we played the clip and the show earlier the Bernet Brown spoke on the idea and said that everyone carries shame. Shame is not something that that person carries and we talk about it. Shame is something we all carry and we need to talk about it. You're ashamed of something you know it's it might be your weight. It might be who you're married to. You're not married to, who used to be married to it. It might be your parents. It might be your age. It might be your health. It could be your education. It could be any number of things but I don't know a single man who doesn't walk in some area of shame and you know I just know Harold, for instance, he is the oldest guy here. He doesn't walk in shame of that though we teasing a lot about it but that's not a shameful thing we teasing because he's he's got the most wisdom of all of us but there's probably something that Harold might feel shameful about we talked about it before the show and I don't know what you want to share that are not on the air, but when I was when he said, wait, you looked at me, so I really appreciate that. Thank you for airfare of the filtrate lecture and we talked about for Lucia when we were talking I said that I didn't think you could be ashamed without having done something and the discussion that came after that. All of a sudden I realized you can, because as a youngster I was ashamed my father who had a drinking problem.

He would be saying come staggering around in front of people and not I carried that though with me. I had been ashamed, knowing most of my life.

He finally kicked it later in life and we had a we had a last several good years but that was something that really really marked me. I had a hard time being in a business environment where there were drinking going on. I wouldn't even take a glass of water because I didn't want anybody thinking that I was drinking alcohol. And so it was really warped in a lot of ways very angry lot of it went back to that being ashamed alone.

My father all but there was that shame in it. It's it's weird because you can grow up in a situation that you don't feel shame about you not I seen on Facebook the other day that someone had a picture of government cheese and said, who knows what this is. I did because we got it every month of it ever became available because we didn't have any money.

I don't only shame about that some people that would just be horrible form. That's what the enemy plays on. He takes those things that he knows that hurt your heart and just digs in deep by the way, I am not ashamed of age. I love it and I like the fact that we can have so much fun with it that were all hoping to get to that age. And honestly, and am looking around the room. It is questionable really questionable for some of his obvious try to kill himself at least 30 times jump in at a deer stands running in the cars all kinds of things that shun treatments, yeah not as low as hands-off, yeah, yeah, we can talk about ravioli want that it is in heaven. I can go out like in front of him sitting there with a mask on his face so we can talk about some of these things on shame you note it. Jim talked about in the other show you not bringing shame to the family name and sometimes a family bring shame to you. Yeah right. Maybe that's a story that you grew up in right or what you've done. Bring shame right and again it's taking that place of guilt and we let the enemy build upon that guilt and have become so much more entrenched in our lives and becomes a part of our identity. You assure a little bit about yes or after school special as you know I'm I'm happy to do it. I would rather share about your shameful moments got helpless, I know that you not sharing before the show that I actually went to go look for a clip. I figured it was so long and so long ago that it wouldn't you know I wouldn't be able to find it, but there was an after school special and for those of you that are too young to know what that is. That happened about 45. 50 years ago there were afterschool specials about once every quarter so subtly in the pilot bubble was one of oh yeah forgot about him. Yeah. Anyway, there was a there was a show that came on and I couldn't tell you the name of it but I know who starred in it and I can remember a lot of the things about the show.

The reason being it was Michael Landon who played little Joe on Bonanza he was in it and it was when he was very young, and he played a high school athlete very good runner and I believe it was a true story, but he was a high school runner in very good runner for a specific reason and that reason was because he wet the bed and he wet the bed and his mother did not know how to handle that and didn't handle it well at all. Infection ashamed him on a regular basis by threatening him to put his sheets out the window so that all of his friends could see that he was a bed wetter, putting his mattress out to air out so that his friends could see that he was a bed wetter and so the reason he was such a great runner was because all of his life.

As soon as he would get out of school.

He would ride the bus home. He would run all the way home as fast as he could to take that stuff down so that his shame could be hidden well. I remember watching that movie in just fear and trepidation because I struggled with wetting the bed when I was a young man for a good while, as long as I can remember as far as Nina way back when I was a little bitty boy and I know that every kid struggles with that at one time or another but my situation was little different. I struggled with it on a regular basis and I remembered growing up my mother saying things like, you know, we would be over my grandma's house playing or whatever and we were running in hot and sweaty and I go to get a drink and she would say no.

Don't drink too much, because you'll you wet the bed and she would say that in front of everybody and that she didn't mean to shame me but it felt horribly shameful.

What I didn't know then I found out years later from a really good counselor friend of ours Kim Whitehurst is here in the in the Triad area if if you're in the Triad area need a counselor would highly recommend Kim and Kim was sharing with me that most children who are sexually abused. One of the ways that that their body responds that their psyche responses by wetting the bed at night, especially if the bedroom is a fearful place for them and so a lot of times they will end up doing that. Instead it's your body's way of crying out for help with your parents don't know how to deal with that. You don't know how to do you don't know that's happening. But Satan takes something that's happened to you. You had no control over something that was very shameful add something else you know your body responds crying for help and then Satan attacks that with with messages of something that there's nothing sinful about that. And yet it was the biggest source of shame for me as a young man to the point where I didn't want my friends to go and come in my room because they might see a stain on my betters orbs. Worse yet, smell something that I could cover the stains you know was sheets and stoppage can cover up that smell and so that was a huge source of shame for me and I told that story and then you guys all just started ridiculing many American fun of me and so I would gonna tell it now. Seriously, you mean you know where really were safe place we can do that. I Mauchly were telling it no for our many listeners, we have it is a tough thing and Emily go ahead and kinda switch that over to you a little bit to talk about on this topic. Ashamed where's God got you right now or where has God taking you from there you know in the past. So I guess probably the first time when I grew up with a good good family life. Good examined dad when perfect, but I knew he loved me, and when he and my mom separated or and and and and he left the country you know mom was in a tough situation soon an update in the sky and ended up marrying them at least look like the greatest blessing if we were tough time and all so she married him. I thought all was good man.

I was moving on up was moving out from apartment to a house everything looked good and that the man was good to me. We went to church together and stuff but he does have a lot of always in him and one that sent one of those things to put shame on people, not just me but people in different ways.

A lot of times he thought it was funny it was cute probably, you know, really. Probably a lot of opposing on his side, but I remember my three pet names were steep dummy and ship it. So I carried that a lot of the what he dealt how he dealt with me was I wasn't coming I had was good in school when he would kind of shame that you you can do good in school but you can do anything as a mechanic or you know anything about you know you came in change transmission oil or whatever it may be a mean it was it was it was things that he would pick out that I had deficiencies and I never had dealt with that really yummy.

My dad called out things that he needed to call out to me but not in a very critical way like that. So that was the first time I dealt with shame. I think, but I will really talk about that mega man had some good things and Amy help me a lot in a lot of different ways but that was the first time I really don't wish shame, but I guess that really really deal where I really had to deal with shame of what my past where I was when I came the masculine journey was just, you know, we talked about lust and pornography of just really caring that for so many years of not wanting anybody to know that was the culture of the church.

You didn't share those things and you know you were hidden and isolated and you carry that shame with you that thing where you felt like you were the only person in the world. Dealing with this and you were, you know, like a leper unclean.

You know, and you know the only thing that protected you from that was the absence of anybody else knowing that it was you and God you were on a consistent confession. Every time that you were, you know it happened or whatever, but it was just a lot of freedom. Whenever you get that freedom when you realize how Shane kept you in a place separated from God for so long and really that was in his heart in a position to you.

I may not want to share the Scripture from Isaiah 54 now. Isaiah 54 it's it's really talking to Israel is really talking about the end times and in the restoration of all things, but it says to his churches body. But I feel like, to the individual. Do not be afraid, and you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace. You will not be humiliated. You will not but you will forget the shame of your youth and I feel like that is the blessing of being shame being removed again. Shame was a big part of my life. And so whenever you you know you are we walking outside of that shame you have so much more appreciation and you therefore you don't really want to project that shame on anybody else. Thank you and I think the what makes shame work is because it's rooted in truth, that's where the enemy always get you.

You get to with agreements because it's rooted in truth, he doesn't come out. You from left field right and so there's some level of truth that he builds upon in a lot of my shame initially very similar to you. Darren came out of the bus station issue was a kid.

But later on became an addiction to pornography right that really you know one tenant dovetailed into the other and on enemies good about you know make me think something salve enough for the when you feel that's really just can take you deeper into a shameful place and see live in the cycle of God here I am again I find myself here.

I promise I will be here again and then you there again a week later. Three days later. Whatever the time period is a month later, six months later you there again because you're not dealing with all that stuff underneath it and that's where you really need God to kinda come in and help you see it and then break those agreements and start breaking that cycle right because it enemies going to keep you in that shame cycle as long as he can, because he knows it feeds everything he's trying to do in your life. Plus takes away from what God had intended you to do with your life right. I can't live in shame and go live out the glory that God is trying to show through me right his glory shine through me and stuff family gets a double win.

There for me. You know part of it was, there's always the shame of it not having been molested in and making the statement myself. No no ever know about it in enemy coming at me right away saying in a tainted you never gonna be a real man which it and then I stumbled upon that some upon assignment as pornography, even when it leads into this this deep rooted addiction transit continues and continues through my first marriage into my second marriage in you know, not until I could get to boot camp and start dealing with the woundedness underneath dealing with some of that old stuff from the molestation that cycle, even at even start to be broken right. It had to get to the point where God could help me peel that back there. Remember this one time you I not already been through boot camp and I was a at work and I was with a group of friends will go to Panera bread all the time to out to work on stuff together because that free Wi-Fi back and they were not ousted right so you get to Mayor Bradley work on stuff and so we would meet on the side of Indianapolis and we meet on the side and the other all pretty much set up the same in outs, like Walmart, in theory, you walk in rock the and laid out the same way except this one. The men's room was in the opposite place for the women's room right and moving on up and I read once a week for Anna two years right and so you know I'm just that to the bathroom, walk in, there's no urinals can be great, just dumbfounded and likely to I don't know where to go to the door opens and a lady walks in and her words to me cut like a knife.

She looked at me and said, you pervert in a put words to what the enemy had been telling me for all those years and battling pornography, and it felt like the truest thing ever said about me right to the point.

It upset me so much.

I knew it wasn't true. I didn't go in the women's bathroom because I wanted to go on. There was a reverse layout.

You know it was just habit, you know that I walked out are so upset that I I just got my stuff and left and I left the meeting with my friends because I couldn't even deal with it right in on it. It took probably another couple years for God to continue to unpack that and said why did that hurts my much because I believed to be the truest thing about me. It wasn't and logically.

I knew that my head, but somewhere deep in my heart and stored away this this lie that I believe to be the truest thing. So we've got one more clipping play from do we have it in there. We don't okay. It's okay.

We wore we could play that we will that's okay. There was if if you've never seen the movie of McFarlane USA. We've we played some clips on there before but it's a great movie to watch about a man who is walking in shame living in shame.

The shame is that he's too much he's too hard he's he's too rigid. He expects people to actually be responsible for their own behaviors and he's a schoolteacher and that's a bad place to be.

And if you're a public school teacher.

You know exactly what I'm talking about and he gets fired from one job then he gets fired from another job as a football coach because he's quote unquote too hard on the boys and he finds himself in a very shameful place it where it it feels that way to him and to his family, but it's it's one of those great disruptions where God takes somebody and puts them into a place where they have to deal with their own issues, but at the same time they get to see other human beings in a totally different way and learn a lot about themselves and it's the story of these boys who were walking in shame because they're up there a bunch of pickers there Hispanics they live in Southern California. They work on picking farms. Their parents work on picking farms and they walk in the shame, and yet there good athletes and their good boys with good hearts and he's a good coach with a good heart and a good dad and they and it's a true story. By the way, about the most successful cross country team in the state of California to this day, and it's a great story of how God disrupts us and that's what we need.

We need that you know I'm not saying God made you walk in the bathroom that day but you probably needed that disruption you you probably needed somebody to say something like that to shock you to the point where you went.

Oh no, this is this is weightier than I thought it was there something really under the hood. That's wrong and I I need to go to the counselor of the heavenly counselor or maybe another person and deal with that and that's you know that's what happened in my life. You know when I was a full-time pastor and basically the night I resigned from that because I didn't want to bring shame on the church as my wife was and I were separated and I was struggling with pornography addiction. She was having an affair and it was just a mass know that.

But those disruptions were the things that I had to have in order for me to begin to walk down a path towards healing and not living in that shame. I love the clip that we played earlier to of of John Lynch and the the heart of the man were John says you know I walked around thinking there was something on my face that there had to be something there that everybody Saul, I tried to hide it, but I but I couldn't and that's the same way I felt, you know, mean IE from literally and from you know you want to make sure you know your parents tell you. Make sure you put clean underwear on because you you might have a rack and have to go to the hospital, will they hate for the doctor to see dirty underwear that what the deal for me it was I didn't want anybody see us staying in mine and so it was a huge point of shame, but took me years to figure some of that out and it was only because I had a good counselor guy like Kim Whitehurst and and some others over the years that help me walk in that and because you know and he's brave enough to talk about his shame because heralds brave enough to talk about you know the shame that he felt because of his father, and you talk about yours and I and and and we do that, you guys it may sound like were you know heroes appear talking about some of the stuff. It's a part of it is selfishness because if we didn't do it, we'd still be walking in that shame that brokenness, that guilt but because we do shed light on it, lies can't grow in the light, the truth grows in the light lies grow in darkness so let's say that you're out there neurotic okay I really don't want to make God have to cause a disruption in my life to that to make me feel with this so what would you say that people could go do right now to start that process. One I would come to boot camp. If you come to the big end and had to be ours.

It could be mass injury radio.org or masculine journey.org, July 16 through the 19th. We definitely will walk you through a process of how to invite God into your story and allow God to take you back to those deepest points. Those deepest places of shame and pain and start the healing from their it might be a boot camp with John Eldridge out in Colorado were or maybe where you are listing their boot camps all around. And if you are, you know, in the Northwest part of the United States or something you want to find a boot camp holler at us will help you find something, I promise. But take a weekend in the woods by yourself. Get a loaf of bread and some baloney and and go out by a stream someplace and just ask God God. Where do I start.

What am I hiding what have I been hiding for so long. I be willing to bet you arty know but he definitely does so if you didn't listen to the show. Before this, go back and listen to that list.

In the last weeks as well on guilt in the after hours on guilt but we do want to invite you to come to this and this year it's going to be very intimate won't be as many people are doing everything we can to give you as much space in the place where you don't have to be around other men were going to give you some social distancing and let you and God.

Work on whatever it is that's causing shame in your life go to masculine journey.org register now July 16 through the 19th in Marksville, North Carolina