10- Dealing with Narcissistic Abuse

Brought to you by volume ICU research life can bring many difficult situations, domestic violence, poverty and even sexual by your loved ones welcome, Amy, and the and you get down you can download at 880 without actually 888 and Deb as Andy confessing to less than online at www.88thatis.com.

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This is a chair with a unique capital I have with me today.

I have spent Boris McKenna do anything together.

How are you, Boris, and for those that are not familiar with the show this so we be mainly talk about trauma and healing.

We look for different ways and different methods and we try to research different ideas to see how we can possibly help those who are hurting. As for me I went through all kinds of abuse and therefore I can share my experiences and how I've been able to succeed and highlight me in life that I believe there's others that could also add to this and others.

I can give us ideas and also I wanted to provide a platform where survivors can learn from one another by speaking to each other and talking and being in periodically professionals in the field that can also give some insight and later on we can also open up the lines, should you guys have any questions or you guys want to share your personal story, but today we have a very special guest and her name is Tracy Malone. She has a podcast and she deals with a very specific kind of trauma very specific kind of abuse. As you know, there's many different kinds and this has to do with narcissistic abuse and she is the narcissistic abuse support that I know of and are you with SJC Tracy, can you tell us a little bit about yourself and what you to please show. I am a survivor learned about abuse and surrounded by it my whole life but didn't learn until I was 56 years old so I decided to educate the world how could I have made our and been so enmeshed and surrounded by these people without anyone ever raising a red flag to me. Though I built the website a YouTube channel and then a podcast and I help people all over the world by coaching them through the pine.

That's wonderful, and our listeners a little bit of the background. I did an interview with you because coincidently I did experience narcissistic abuse my mother whose neurologist and a genius. She sat narcissistic and she believed that she was always afraid that God could talk to her through the Bible that she could see everything that's happening and coincidently because of that I subconsciously chose a man that was narcissistic as well is the father of my daughter. My first daughter and he typically about 14 years of custody battles, something that's very difficult. One of the things that I found about narcissistic mothers is something that I found that's very interesting reads.

Narcissistic mothers teach their daughters that love is not conditional that it is only given when the child behaves in accordance with maternal expectations and winds as adults.

These daughters have difficulty overcoming feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, emotional emptiness and sadness in the also have fear of abandonment, needs, and to form unhealthy romantic relationships as well as a tendency to perfectionism and unrelenting self-criticism or just self sabotage and frustration.

Dr. McBride and it makes a lot of sense because a perfectionist and also my brother way that my mother would show him love was whenever he told me and got me in trouble. Getting beat almost every day, but that's the only way to love so interesting to run into that article what has been your experience. Tracy well.

I also had a narcissistic mother. I did not know that she was not until a few months after she died suddenly every single pattern of our crazy childhood was explained to state the behaviors and the way she triangulated me and my two sisters to never stand together.

If you would she keep Us apart. She could only love one of us at the time she could only express any kind of accolades to just one at a time, which left the other one jealous and angry and created this dynamic that you know 50 years later, the sisters talk to one another because she was always spending them against each other and telling them why about the others behind their backs. So having a narcissistic mother really does set you up to that is normal.

Love that this kind of behavior is just something that you have to deal with them so often why daughters and sons of nurse parents and interrelationship being abused by another narcissist's. I can see that there are also very because they can see that there are also very controlling. We were nine children in both my parents, where doctors actually my stepfather was going to medical school to become a deficient and we didn't know aunt and uncles, grandparents, cousins, we were just it was just us and that's the way my mother wanted my mother had her favorites, her spies my brother that she only laughed when he told her. Her favorite that with be her spy also and people thought we were the perfect family because the kids were so well behaved that little that I know is because most of us fear our mother and that's I ate because of that I learned what mother not to be in.

Although I must admit, wouldn't you agree that our kids are little spoiled body that is not afraid of us.

So that's my consolation overcompensate for what how we were treated. We don't want our children to delete this way so very often. We will coddle them and make sure they know their love. My mother used to yell at me that I loved my son at the age of two. Too much and she was jealous of our relationship and she tried to break it apart by telling me I was doing Iran when in fact I held my course in the wonderful child and result could not be like her yesterday. Very cool. I have to tell you, and with my mother. It was it.

I tell you she when she lost her temper.

It was a lot of screaming and it was very scary and that scarier I think was when I met my daughter's father. My first house. Father did not know that they that be a narcissistic person can make you violent, although my mother was that way. I did not know that the man that was supposed to love me was that way as well, and I lost my first pregnancy. As a result, this person was very controlling my daughter's father was very jealous. I cannot work anywhere. If the manager was a guy she would patronize me, make me feel small and he always looks for excuses for his behavior. He was never wrong, and he would try to control every aspect. How I dressed where I was going to have to answer to where I was minute of the day and that I just realized that sometimes you survivors a subconsciously find someone like their visa and it happened at least that I know off to 2 to 2 applies our first choice wasn't the right one but thank God our second choice was never married.

The first one that the first one on the second drawer. He finally did, married for eight years. This unsuccessful think but what we have here in Lake Forest is life so eventful though you talk about juice well would like to share something else, who yes. We mother really good platform for me to normalize this type of behavior always fight for their love and always be, you know, hoping to be the golden child and working towards that. But knowing that at any moment, you know, I could be dropped and back into the pit of you know you're not good enough for I really am too busy to pick your phone call and I really began to believe that that's the way love what Mary did quite so I didn't learn the lesson because again all my friends certainly vetted my new husband. Each time to make sure they wasn't crazy but no one ever said hey look this up and told the day that the boyfriend I was dating, which is after marriages I dated him for two and half years and she called the police to have me arrested when I came to forgive him for sleeping with two other people and so it was the day after I got out of jail that horrific 24 hours.

Someone said he's Fighting you go look that up and ended like an onion had opened up because I learned about them. I learned about the boyfriend or husband everything okay and I want to encourage your readers or listeners to really look this stuff up. Understand what the red flags are because even after they display a red flag is behavior that generally that confused with you and you're likely that just happened. And like all their your best friend dumbfounded and worse abuse keeps on getting worse unless you learn and understand this well basically it gives life is chaotic and there is no peace in your life. Something is wrong. There's a narcissistic person and my mother being the boss, the one who wore the pants she basically told everybody including my stepfather who was passive-aggressive and it was always very scary because she was always controlling everything.

Everything that was dead, and so I always in my house.

All I want know I don't want screaming everything I don't want the memory.

All I want is peace. That's all I ask continuously looking for peace and when we know we continue with baby gobble on you so here you have any though 88 that is joined by Boris Niccolò Malone narcissistic abuse support and we've been discussing some of the symptoms of narcissistic abuse of which we personally have experiences Ray and Tracy that you know I played that song because that's how I was able to survive. Even though my mother taught me that God was punishing God, and that if he had trials and tribulations.

It was because it was a test and if he passed the test. We showed God that we were worthy and when my older sister became the black sheep of the family. She was called the devil and when you not to talk to her so I took the good things out of that that I didn't believe everything I didn't believe God was like that. I believe that God was a much kinder God that he would not test this.

Why should he test this doesn't he already know the future. Why does he need to test us. I think that is just there to support us. The devil tries to bring us down that God helps us he shows a way that's been the secret to my success. That's why call to show the cure because for me the answer to my every problem. If my husband didn't love me unconditionally. I don't know where I'd be today because let me tell you something he's really dealt with a lot having to honey as intently from your secret how did you do it all? How will the patient's well that's what I asked for this Christmas a little bit more patience and what self-discipline will so looking through your website have a lot of interesting things there so you're helping a lot of people looks like. So do you think of the cystic abuse is prevalent only in the United States or something that happens all over the world family is all over the world.

I get my coaching clients, literally all of the world that I have about 125 countries that come to my website and I have a Facebook group as well with about 6000 members and I recently posted up a post around the holidays and just said hey guys, where are you from, and within a few minutes I had about 350 people all sharing where they were from and it was mind boggling. Probably 15 or 20).

At that moment, Australia and England, and Africa coached people in Dubai and you know what I think is happening in working with a woman in Germany we have on my YouTube channel. She's got a YouTube channel there and were trying to cross, educate, and trying to help each other and form our own audiences so what's happening at United States is from what I understand in all these people have spoken with is that we have more books on it. We have more people getting on YouTube and picking up a camera and talking about it. So it seems a little bit US centric.

When you go on in Google something, but these things these books have been around for a very long time and it is the core of many types of abuse. It starts with emotional abuse and while we might not be able to identify a person as a narcissist in the technical and medical way because we aren't interviewing them were not you know a psychiatrist that would be able to possibly determine that Dr. we can look at the behaviors the behaviors are all similar in and I have a great red flag checklist for people and it doesn't have to be that it was your parent be that you were married to them. It could be someone that is a fun were someone that you work with so you know narcissist have jobs and they abuse people in them. So those people become as well and you know even having a friend that has treated you extremely badly and follow these kind of things on the checklist behaviors it hurts just as much as it being your mother or your husband was important that people become aware of this because how long did you suffer the narcissistic abuse before you realize this is not something that's right. And I believe that the more that we come together and we talk about it the more that people are aware of what's going on and they realize maybe what problem in their life.

If possible we may be helping others. I believe that narcissistic people any narcissism is a hallmark of emotional abuse.

I think that emotional abuse and emotional abuse.

There is a lot of narcissistic abuse and diving. That's been my experience anyway in my life so that you make a really vulnerable victim and something that all need to really understand that you are out there in their standing next you in the line at the supermarket, but there vulnerabilities that make us really good target and we need to learn. We need to understand what a boundary is because many victim are not great at setting boundaries they want email empowered with that as a child, will you you taught how to set a good boundary by your mother who is abusing you a good example and set all went along yeah know why work with target is that you know we walked on eggshells, our whole childhood and we just want to make people happy. We become people pleasers codependent wheat we want it all to be nice and and you know we work really hard with someone but the person is in the future.

The perfect way for them to find someone you know with your story and with what you've gone through, they can identify that you might let them cheap 15 time before you ever kick them out because you've done it before. So our story gives our vulnerabilities away so that we can not display them on the right to hear them Tracy, besides being a wonderful source of information really grateful for God explained to some of us when a coach is unfamiliar with the business coach and head of life coaches that some of us may not know when the coaches what does that entail and how can people get in touch with you. I know that you do podcast what other services do you offer my website at the core so you can go to narcissistic abuse support.com and from there you can actually click a button to get into my Facebook group and resources and get help right away from people. As a coach and someone that works with clients I can help them sort of identify what is this a narcissist was the already behaviors that I've been experiencing and get them on the right path to their own recovery so you know everyone's recovery journey is different because our childhood until you know, we might need to learn boundaries we might need to learn all kind of other things like learn about abandonment and about what were our vulnerabilities about how I help people and again you can find all that information, as well as support you know checklist go.

Oh my goodness that you know and and I love to tell people if they have a friend that's going through this. Give them the red flag checklist and go sound like what's happening to you because none moment happened and they can then open the door to healing and it is terrible thing to call yourself a victim, but I think that if you I didn't for 56 years.

I didn't want to accept that I was a victim of anything I wanted to make it on my own and be strong, but until I learned that I was a victim. I could then begin to heal and and it's hard to say.

Oh my gosh, I've been an abusive relationship. Once you are you can heal well you know for hours for us survivors. We still have to struggle with overcoming the feelings of inadequacy and disappointment and emotional emptiness is in all these things that Dr. McBride talked about his self-criticism and I tried to share with others how I was able to do a I II looked in into the Internet. I've met a lot of things, but mostly I started with prayer. That's where I got my strength and because we had narcissistic mother's and we can have that characteristic of perfectionism.

Ice started to study myself and I realized that I did get frustrated at times when my reactions are not exactly normal.

Maybe there little more exaggerated and more disappointed and more frustrated. So now I've made a conscious effort to nip it up by if I start to get upset I start to get busy, in fact, I make it a challenge to see them actually that powerful, and then unable to do that and really very proud of myself that I'm responsible for my own happiness. Nobody can make me happy nor can I change anybody else. It's a conscious decision that I have to make a have to move forward.

I have to believe in strong and I have to believe that I can carry on annual income that will share if you don't mind Tracy sticking around a little longer we can get some more ideas how we can deal with these things. Now we continue with baby gobble on 880 we have welcome to sell their house, though we are talking today about narcissistic abuse of a wonderfully joining us today along with love doesn't have any experience of narcissistic abuse. But that's okay.

He's good for emotional support and that Tracy we are talking about different ways that we can empower people that we can find different ways to overcome feelings of emotional emptiness and you know one is self-criticism and self solid Hodgen frustration. You think that you have to do something major to suffer this consequences, but no just somebody who's narcissistic that's controlled your life can cause that the one of the things that I've noticed is that I find a lot of strength in prayer like a prayer that night to that I call good morning Lord.

It's a prayer that I the helps me.

I hope that it will help you.

I hope that this prayer good morning Lord help you has helped me for a new day you work and passion is renewed every morning great is your Lord. I don't know what all is going and how much I get done but you do.

I give you. Fill me with your Holy Spirit energize me for your work because you know how tired we can meet the wonder of your South Asian inmates. The reality of your work in my life, Lord, my mind filled with creative idea Holy Spirit for my mind hovered over the water creation order. Help me to striving she will give me all day to do the work you you will be faithful the good work you into my day to clear your sovereignty over every area of my life. I trust myself to you use me yours is yours.

My mind is yours. Everything I have. I call it God okay. You been to me, but do not mention God that I don't know that I'll try that as I did mention God that just to let you know that's the only reason why I believe I needed. Even though I am responsible for my own happiness I don't love myself enough to want to make myself happy anyway. I believe that if God loves us no matter what unconditionally isn't worth the fight. Aren't we worthwhile if he loves us. We love ourselves and that is the promises that God has given us that he will always love us that he will always be there for us so Tracy tell me you have talked to a lot of people. What are some of the things that have left an impression and you of different methods that people have used try to overcome them. Now the facts of the narcissistic abuses in their life will hard for recover. People to find community because our friends and our family very often don't understand and and sort of tuna out after a while. Show community support group getting a good therapist will coach starting the journey that is going to be exclusively your journey and looking at all your own accountability to understand how what you didn't know that your accountability on me that I didn't know what you know how to do fight it. I did know how to be strong and learn your weaknesses and understand what boundaries are.

Understand abandonment wounds suffered from a narcissistic life.

Left untreated, carry over to the next stage in the next person and untold. We really think and do the work to understand the trauma that this is because we aren't going to be able to heal help fighting community really big thing and I have two local groups here in Colorado and I have a list of about 254 around the country.

Most of these are free people can go in and find someone else. I did plant that gets what they're talking about and they feel less alone.

For me, I did turn to God and my mother always had it sort of fake religious belief in her that she never supported she never brought us to church and never went to church with her in my entire life, but she would pretend she was very religious to people when it was appropriate but afterwards yeah III found God and I never felt alone again. I felt I was stronger and I always knew that he had my back in as I make my YouTube videos and I reach my podcast audience. I feel like God is the words coming out of my mouth. Yes, I've read hundreds and hundreds of books and talk to experts from all of the world, but it's God coming through me like that prayer that you just read. I got emotional and I say the same thing every morning just use me to deliver your message to show me how I can help people were suffering like I can be passionate and listen to your heart and find God go in and find comfort in that because you aren't alone. God asked you you survivor was in incarcerated women woman.

She said asked.

She said in a quote no life is to ruined for God to restore and no right to relent and the thing is that you have to be leaving yourself. You have to know that you are capable and that you can do it. What we can do is limitless because with God through God all things are possible, then who are we to say what are limitations on anything is possible. We don't have to be broken as long as we realize what's wrong and what's hurting and we face the situation we accept our faults and we can try to work on it and everything is another day to practice it doesn't matter if you make mistakes, God will forgive you over and over again and everything is just another day you have, to be right history so I thought about do you think Tracy the AA to be viewed as the depression, all will become a politically of this type of abuse. Depending on the ground. Relationship marriage coparenting that they're experiencing. So off the charts and unreal that someone that I loved and trusted has betrayed them live this life with them and you know they might have had some use. They might've had some sexual abuse in the end, all of them in a relationship experienced financial abuse and justice need to for them to be right above all truth. They pretend and they hurt people.

So PTSD is like the number one like indicator and sadly, most doctors don't really look at this kind of abuse they are not in the water you up but it is the same symptoms.

It is same thing and doctors you know my doctor treated me here some antidepressant writers and antianxiety.

You can't sleep, go and you know by calling the new and what actually went back to my doctor to get off of things. I said no I just found out about this North Houston and it explained my whole life I can have now and he would like all good because you know he didn't get the PTSD thing make someone walk into a room and forget where they are. Why did I walk here. What am I doing can't sleep at night. They are depressed.

Of course, because this is so confusing to them. So I think the PTSD is a huge part of the damage that happens when you're in this kind of relationship right now is only asking because doctors will doctrinally diagnose your treaty for you to especially help you with the link abuse to speak with emotional just so I'm a doctor, but sometimes you dorms find the treatment so maybe that's what people need to look for other venues. Not only the medical doctor absolutely, and I have gone through everything from acupuncture and holistic things that when you when you happy to hear your do you like completely within complete renal failure. You know, not getting sleep, not wanting to eat. Walking in circles, just not the whole thing just put my body into a major fail, and again the doctors regular doctors, really. Here's a pill I want that I went to natural doctors and I built up with herbs and vitamins that system so that I could finally find hope and heal well aware of this article about narcissistic mother's by Dr. McBride there's a website that notes it's www.thisischildabuse.com and I website may have a lot of information about the subject matter for right here in Colorado. So one of my support group and world like an amazing share of the book called, will I ever be good enough that if anyone is dealing with mother. Go get that because it was the most validating thing in all of the hundreds of books I've read, because that answered the piece of the puzzle of why me how did I get this way, how did I become vulnerable.

Her book is the Bible on learning about wow that's amazing. You know I can really believe that because in my life I have dealt with someone that is what a lot of things that I always question myself, how can they be getting this possible and I can understand that it's kind of hard to tip for old habits to die that you have to convince yourself that that's the consequence that symptom of what happened and just try to see yourself tell yourself of course in getting of course they can remind yourself of other things that you been successful about talk to somebody who will encourage you to lift you up. Not somebody who brings you down. Just your company wisely because sometimes people that Assisted mothers.

They run into friends who are controlling and the environment can become that you but most importantly stray away from that don't become that person. Don't let what happened to you but somebody has done or anything that somebody has said or done to change who you want to be who you should be who you know you could and for children who have narcissistic parents.

That's a very difficult thing to do. So like you said Tracy a good support system is very very important that Tracy even wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and now our listeners have wrapping other places to go to Dickinson to podcast thinking we check the website they can by Dr. McGrath McBride spoke for go to the website is wonderful. The more of us coming together, helping one another.

I believe the fire that again. We've come to the end of the show again. Another close and I want to thank everyone listening in my audience in Tracy invoice Nico love you guys have been wonderful. Thank you for joining me since I wasn't answering questions.

Maybe next time right now that we are here every Friday at 2 PM. This is the cure on your hosting have in your listening to 880 –