19- What Adult Life is Like for a Victim of Child Abuse

Here though always joined by Boris you're listening to firefighters business station 8 AM. This also available online www.880.com and don't forget you can, bath@880thatis.com.

We're like every Friday at 2 PM and you can listen to us through Alexa facing Alexa plea 880. The best we have had some powerful topics in incredible guest's over the course of the last months we have talked about abuse. How to overcome it. Posttraumatic stress disorder symptoms. Available treatments and we have talked about mental health problems, and many others. Today I'm excited to see first of all, how are you Boris Gresh and Valerie we are Boris is here with me. Like always, we do everything together that we did have a very special guest today and I'm excited to say his name is Mike and he is a child abuse survivor and advocate for child abuse and mental health awareness as well as a longer and social media. This yes my corruption and dysfunction and alcoholic symptoms violent father left him vulnerable to being molested by another family member which went on for years as an adult he dealt with major depression and disassociation including fugue states. After much feeling. He now lives in Louisiana with his wife works in the technology field and has been sharing what he learns something about childhood abuse and mental health issues throughout his blogs at www.childabusesurvivor.net since 2001, and more recently in social media accounts like Twitter at survivor net work and Facebook at www.facebook.com\'s child abuse survivor and Instagram child abuse or by nets Mike, how are you please tell us a little bit about you. I am doing well like you for having Leon appreciate the opportunity to talk to your audience think a little about me that I just turned 50 last year so I'm doing 1/3 agent reaching a point in life where I'm thinking more about the impact that I can have. While I am still here. One of the things that has always been near and dear to me.

As you said, a blog, 2001, so before social media was social media. No online while the big and the big thing for me has always been, and you know whatever I feel like I don't want I don't want to do that anymore.

I don't say everything you do that I would go back to thinking about what it was like when I was feeling when I was.

I spent some time in the hospital will most really was a low waterway and I remember thinking not the only thing I had was a bedroom in my parents house where I was recovering. I remember thinking that while I got online I connect with other people who were dealing with mental health issues or drivers and want to start a blog but my initial idea was simply look. I'm a survivor I'm somebody doing Charlie's weather. I'm a child adult and I get online I want there to be someplace they can go and just see that they are not the only one feeling so important. Interesting that you just say that I think I protested, and as children we may not have a lot of symptoms and we don't really know what's going on. We don't realize it's wrong, but as adults. It is important to have a support system is important. I mean from me it was helpful for me to write a book and finally provide transparency and awareness in the sense that I thought that it would help others and get something interesting. I wanted to talk to you about what were the effects of abuse on adulthood for you. How were you able what was the point in which you found a way to heal. What was the pivotal point because I know for me. I struggled a lot throughout the years and I fumbled and I failed and it was a lot of talent there. It was a lot of prayer and turning to God. And when it finally got seriously that was my pivotal point. That's where my life turned around what was it for you, but you should say that Morton before about the fact that looking at my life looking at the lives of I'm sure you could live through other survivors.

One of things that we tend to forget that we were so busy just surviving good we develop we get the childhood development that we should have got to get to adulthood.

There a lot of the old we were supposed to know we were so busy. Just try to live through what was happening that you bring about social skill holding down a job navigating the world was reviewing the sink because that actually read articles that say that when use abuse as a child, especially long term. He can actually change the chemistry of your brain where tend to even have less impulse control. You have less emotion control so you is just a little at a little extra effort we have to make for me so the turning point for me. I remember vividly remember the Sheldon therapy. I had just really bad time with major depression with dissociation would I even gone missing Vermont which is always good, I remember looking at me how I got all going on. Talk about the abuse talk about my my upbringing just looked at me and what you want your life to look like now out like I've never thought about that, but I've never felt like I had permission to think about that and she would like 29 years old. You can do really the first time where I thought I I am.

I'm an adult I can learn new skills I can take with ability and I can create whatever life I want nobody holding you back anymore.

That was really for me.

That was one of the most challenging gooseberry she had come to reality because I do understand that this is actually a lot dissociation and fugue state that for the listeners that may not know much about this. Can you tell us a little bit about your experience and the symptoms absolutely, so I'm sure you know the true benefit of the well. Probably one of the best exclamations I ever got about dissociation from Dr. Brian first as an adult I would really like what was that he sat down and there's Curt with dissociation looks like you said you know there's a spectrum there's serious association that is not theirs Association and everything in between.

So so example of not so serious association is what we commonly refer to as highway hypnosis where you drive the same route work every day you don't think about it you don't pay any attention to it. You get to work knowing I have no memory of drug. My mind was busy with other stuff and I literally don't like. I do not know the yeah I know that when I was just saying we all know that we've all done on the other end of it you get into things like multiple personality disorders and identity disorders where you are literally creating multiple lives multiple people inside of you.

I got fugue states live somewhere in the middle.

What happens with the puke state is that you enter a dissociated, but you're not yourself. You disconnected emotionally to states for some reason are also tend to be tied into travel. People are struggling profusely just a little longer off and no one really. I've never really directly why we just kind of forget were supposed be really what happened to me as I was at the time going through very stressful, as in a bad marriage very stressful.

I was working going to school in the skills I learned again as child learning how to deal with stress and healthy ways to deal with stress. I dissociated my was a kid. That's what I did right when things got too hard when it is too much I just can't turn my brain off so you just separated yourself from yourself.

Describe the difference between being somewhere and watching on TV and just because I remember when I was in therapy whenever I had to talk about my abuse. I can speak about it. Problem since I was sent out. I was telling a story about somebody else.

I didn't really connect it to me and that was how my experience dissociation as far as a fixed date.

I did go to Bulgaria for two years. No memory of getting there like a living on the.

That means that you know that there is a lot of things that can come along that can just show up in adult head.

You live your life normally ignoring it. You think it's not fair. You minimize it and then Wendy and then when it hits you, your confused Philippine try to self manage. He and eat of all kinds of dangerous behaviors because for some reason we tend to develop negative coping mechanisms. Betsy is my little idea that the mind is a very powerful thing and you can choose God gives us a well you can choose to be miserable about something or situation, or you can try to make the best out of it contains any get easier. But if you make the best candidate you spend your time better. There is a certain something about getting perspective and understanding those skills. We were supposed learned as kids we were supposed to learn about our place in the world perspective of the world is just sorting it short-circuited when you don't have everything of the biggest thing for me when I finally realized what happened was just a shame I don't understand what just happened to me. I don't know why I'm here. I don't know what I did and I'm ashamed anyone to know. I remember watching leaving Neverland one of the men sat at the end he said was just listed kids with just a little older. He said he list. I don't know because I know that innocence was taken away and you know these things we we learn to deal with it because I remember reading an article on social media lot was seen on Facebook a support group that was saying element. My therapist told me that I have to change my negative dialogue to a positive dialogue but who does that.

The therapist is not for you. And when you're feeling bad in your thinking -90 and a friend can do it for you. You gotta change on dialogue and thinking process could be a very slow process.

I know it took me a long time. I mean, let's say 25 years cell. The site is joining us and that this is the chair on your hosting tab will and and we're focusing on various topics, particularly mental health abuse, trauma treatment options today were joined by Mike McBride and were talking about abuse survival and I have a song for you.

Just remember where on perfect. We all have issues and need to pay. We have to 11 conditionally and she's all angry. Life can bring many difficult situations, domestic violence, addictions, poverty and even sexual abuse by your loved ones. The issue is not stay there, but to overcome all obstacles and show that with the love of God, your husband and your family. You can succeed.

Love is the answer.

God is the cure reveals from a very sincere and honest position.

Amy Cabo's life, a warrior who didn't give up and achieve the dream of her life. You can get to know more about her at her story on www.godisthecure.com for buying her book on Amazon.com.

So those that have just joined as is hosting joined by Dr. Boris and a very special guest Mike McBride hello my hello are you still with Dr. plies has some questions for you, and I'm actually a fan of yours. We have to let you know that Lee Senior Post family Senior articles and actually I learned a lot from others like us or not it's a good thing we have an understanding that we can share with others, at least to get parts right well hi Mike how are you thank you for being a good idea. Are you yeah this is so, I guess an important part of the work that you guys do you name it. You showing the situations with abuse and how people can survive. So one of the most important topic of truth or written your blogs before was the issue of guilt. And to me unless it's you mentioning the so I guess is very popular in people that have suffered abuse to blend himself busy. They're not guilty of anything, the perpetrator saw, but then how do you go from feeling guilty to getting forgiving yourself all day? It is really I believe it is one of the core issue, but abuse survivors face to me.

There are couple of areas that are a bit of trouble one what is a societal thing right are our culture are our income cases are religious, but I'm not a fan of you know what we hear often is that good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. We kind of just forget that you know sometimes things happen to good people exactly but not about you write will get something like like a terrorist attack. We don't sit there thinking while you know the people come out for and yet somehow in our interpersonal relationships. That's the message you get in your head that all you here. I have a kid bad things are happening to me. This must be something I did something I am working on something you really tough thing to work out you know you have to start first and foremost with just accepting that it wasn't your fault you were a child you did not have a choice in the matter. You also for a lot of people, especially when you talk about sexual abuse.

You have to acknowledge a little bit of what happened, you're not not to get details on the radio or anything, but you have to acknowledge a little bit of what happened after acknowledge the reactions you may have had your body may have had to what was happening and forgive herself and that is such a hard thing to do on because we know what we we feel the feelings I did, but it is Karen and like you said, I believe that this is the part that takes a long time. We are we learning very basic core thing personalities and it is hard that I don't I don't even pretend to tell people that's not hard.

It right right well it's important that we talk about it because the more we talk about it the more people will and is in my opinion people realize how horrible child abuse is actually start preventing it because you know Penelope will just kind of ignore it, so decided to hard for them to talk about it all and to listen to, but then this is a lot of things for which people stay client that I am talking about my because for very long time.

I thought I was a bad person and she may think it's really what keeps you from healing because one year grounded get to the realization of what actually happened and that it's not your fault and that okay it did hurt you, and it did affect in some way, and there's things that you need to work on and there's things that you can do better and it's okay if you need help if you need to get a psychiatrist if you need medication and that there will be a support system is people around you contest touch people's hearts. If nothing at all and you alone in the world, like I was with no family whatsoever in Thomas 27 from 15 no one so my strength was gone. I and my support system not let my friends yeah they were supporting me with the self-medicating so it just comes the shell. It took a long time and I went to a lot of things and even 23 nine that told me to read the story of Job, that for me trying to keep the faith and trying to be faithful and trying and praying.

Eventually it took a lot of time and I take 25 years of suffering that eventually I was blessed like never before and now things don't really bother me, things will go wrong okay to frustrate me. I just look at the bright side stuck in traffic and I'm really annoyed by a car going really slow or something like that. Say wow how nice I get to appreciate the surroundings even more. I can look at the house. A second look at the trees.

I can look for a second look at the nature but please keep an eye on the road. Also, I try to compensate and I look for that bright side of things or a just I find a way that I don't let it bother me and I have learned from stories that I've read on Facebook from stories that I've seen can see these people there's people that are very close to God and nothing hurts them because they have so much faith, even if their child dies, there came a touch screen-why should I suffer.

I admire those people I don't know how they do it if they can do that I can do anything. What you speak to them and listen talking about quality so that there are voices there are people like you Amy like like my blog. What good hundreds of people that I interact with social media all the time who are talking about it. People think one of them for whatever reason we are going to work one L a lot of you look at the well. All they were abuse of the child that what we don't internalize the method so the more that is out there the more I see okay there are a lot of people who've been through there a lot of people who are going through who appealed were still early in I'm not. It's not just me something that just happened to me because I'm terrible. This is something that happened to millions of people around the world pass judgment on all these people there… In fact, one of one of the what was years ago. I think one of the best way because I'm a little bit of a map of the current right I look good, like sexual abuse of girls. One of the boys have been sexually abused before the age of 18 is almost strictly impossible.

You don't know someone who is. That's a lot of people coming anything that I found at least personally that it was easy for me to have compassion for other people or other situations in life.

I saw something on to get outside.

I will cry or if I know something bad is happening to someone compassion compassion for myself I can. Amy and I read on social media, psychologists and blogger something that says it's important to have some compassion that that part of you that has compassion for others use it for yourself. And that's another part that a good part of healing, just realizing that you are just as worthy on the scene. I will equal God's eyes, and that you know just because we've been to challenges in life doesn't make us less capable. They hate this frightening and this is this here hosting a cattle you're listening to the care where you live every Friday at TPM and I just wanted you and appreciate how important it is to be there for yourself but also to have a support system. It's important that you try to surround yourself with people that lift you up not bring you down. This is silver up AJR you wife can bring many difficult situations, domestic violence, addictions, poverty and even sexual abuse by your loved ones. The issue is not stay there, but to overcome all obstacles and show that with the love of God, your husband and your family. You can succeed. Love is the answer. God is the cure reveals from a very sincere and honest position. Amy Cabo's life, a warrior who didn't give up and achieve the dream of her life.

You can get to know more about her at her story on www.godisthekeyword.com for buying her book on Amazon.com. Thanks for joining us here today were joined by Flores, Nicole, and our special guest Mike. I see that there is mild and Boris. Let's see which one you want. I think Mike you might have the best chance if it is bad. I think we have a little bit experience that I lightly touched and having a support system surrounding yourself like that influences that you know we really can't do things alone when an island. We do need to have their unique people for long time.

I was alone and from like 15 to 27 and I made friends or just for self-medicating and they had no idea what had gone through in the past and I was just happy and confident and I was just really avoiding the issues and having negative coping mechanisms so because it did not have a support system, and I suppose there is victims that don't have a support system that once you become a victim like it's harder for you, and you may lose your support system you may lose what you have and what you do and what I did was I prayed I turned to God. Any notice, God uses people uses animal he uses social media. He uses sounds like the song they play the songs they choose them, particularly because they've helped me so I played them for whoever's listening to see if it helps them.

Social media has been a big part of my education just inspirational speeches and testimonials that are real, not testimonials of my life has always been perfect the testimonials are shocking absolutely can't believe And and music has been very important to me so I wanted to know how were you able to create a support system to help one were you able to use social media effectively help you Mike. Yeah, I do believe I know that the more nuanced response to social media that they can be good to be biotic to be everything between you and any given day. I might give you any help. I do believe that having some of those social media tools are a good way. I know, for example-about five years traveling public is very hard to keep in touch with people having something like Facebook where I could you even if it was the middle of the night here and I could post something and people would see condo is going on with me if I can keep up with what was going on with that there is there is some possibility media you have to kind of avoid the bad things about you have to be very, to borrow the world by being mindful about what you're doing your following not just start clicking on things because you know Facebook suggest you should the radical, but I do think there is one tool that can be. I worry.

I worry that Tuesday. Just the other day I will think about God interview with an expert. He talked about how your studies are showing that we are piety are as lonely as we in history.

Shocking.

We just don't well I guess definitely the social media is a place that you can use support groups much easier than getting out of your home and going somewhere said just type of postal certain groups that the next understand your be there for you in case of long-term me when my daughter got killed and she was in a 24 a day, and for this 24 days we did not diversify them or die and I just put things in God's hand that got to talk to me so I just would internalize everything that I felt everything that was going on with my daughter and for me that was therapeutic, anxious to see an outpouring of support asking for prayers and knowing that people are praying and that people cared helped me not feel alone in my suffering. Help me get that in. That's how I find sufficiently important because also IV blogs IV articles and you know in session, yet you have to choose the right avenues just like in life you have to choose the right friends, and believe it or not, we do have the Holy Spirit. We do know the difference. Yeah, you're right. I recall a few years back when my grandmother way and you might my cousin and I live in. Country, but that night we were all on Facebook talking to one another and sharing memory is really helpful to be able to interact as a group rate and to plan on going to the funeral and then you could still be able to take part can be wonderful, wonderful educational leader is a wonderful person that believing that it doesn't have goddesses supply and then they have the social media and friends.

There's different ways. That's why invite all kinds of people in not testimonials because I know what works for me and I can attest that it may not work for someone else and something to the table. I believe special is now coming up on April and I do not feel where this guy's that April is child abuse prevention month you sell what I discussed some ways, child abuse is it's important.

I didn't it happens for a long time with kids because they don't know it's wrong and I can play my kids know what's wrong and I have an 11-year-old and a 13-year-old, and I think prevention is super important. What you think this might write about it quite quickly and every time I do I would feel With. I don't have.

We could build that little bit the back of my head like a good friend will get great survivor so that the parental approach survivor survivor. There are things that we that I know about my experience there are things that you having educated myself and look studies look at interviews of pedophiles look at interviews of actual predators. We know that there are things that someone try to take advantage of a child look for we know that they look for kids were vulnerable to keeping secret client shy quiet broken homes.

They think we know the look they don't look I don't want kids who have an open relationship with her parents tell them everything the Google thing predators go look for right so that's really what we want to talk about outside right, which is different than what we talk about the outside family the best way to make it less likely that your child could be targeted to make a multiple target right to have an open relationship with them. Have a good will is teach them what's right what's wrong so that I was the statement I made multiple mobile kind of teaching your kid about all of these things. Someone else will especially not want that is because I fear my mother and I don't believe in corporate punishment and some say I'm not strict enough, it's better than my kids seeing me my kids did talk to me now.

The play my 1313 L talks more to his father that my daughter tells me everything and she's very outspoken and yes we have to be extra careful with those kids that are just going to shy or don't speak much because these pastors are opportunists an opportunity and they will take it. But we also have to wonder think we we got so wrong. Over the years is that we have done things that we are a people stranger danger and we are created registry of sexual thing is a bad thing, but they're only getting 10% right 90% of kids were abused or viewed by people I know 60% by people in the family, protecting them against strangers bad thing, but you're only hitting the right you have to also be aware of the people around you.

Be aware of what even in your own family your right that's actually the more likely people abuse of children because that's no one one is no one, absolutely no. No one, not even the mother.

I think ethics thing that my kids. No one can make you feel uncomfortable attaching the wrong places your private. It's time not mean that your dad not your uncle.

And that nobody nobody is nobody and you must have somebody tell me right away. You want to look for abnormal or somebody use trying to spend a little too much time alone with the kid taking the place of paying a little too much attention right now I have come over and come over and down on my 11-year-old daughter and that is like you can't do that. I'm bigger now you can give you anything so yeah his game plan. I think the most important thing is education.

Education is key.

So many things running out. When I spoke to Mike when he said something when I was seven years old. I made my father. I thought it was my fault I didn't know what was wrong. I thought they did a really good job cleaning me and believing me she wanted me to believe and kids are very influenced and very easily related to how you fight this to fight this. Yes you right now about that and thank you for that open communications think I'm doing that betting was important. Yes, that's very important and also education kids need to know about these things because the statistics are very high and very real thing that we need to talk about today and tomorrow talk about it the more I realize it's not such a taboo. It's not so bad, it can be therapeutic. It can be like an injury that we had any injury that were talking about why we have to be ashamed of it will be embarrassed.

It doesn't need to be that way.

In fact, we can be proud that we survived deriving what you have right that an amazing rate and people who survived childhood abuse, no matter what follows should be proud of, ashamed we should actually hide four weeks for a lot of people but we should be proud. We survived something horrible and we are still here important. Even if you're the kind that you feeling bad passes to think that I don't do what I used to be our last interest in that they beast.

Little by little proud of what you can do to get that you do, don't get disappointed at yourself for the likes that now. Be proud of yourself for Hank.

Hey I can do this, believing yourself and because if there's somebody like you that you think that is what you've been through you today or maybe you're happy, successful, look at me today would not the exception exception. This can be everybody. And this can be. Most of us that's what I try to do is try to find different ways that we can find to hear ourselves, because ultimately it's really capitalized and Mike. It's been wonderful having you on the show. Thank you so much.

Your information and limit your website again so they can read your blogs because they think they're anxious and all the other stuff is linked from the website so you don't recall, okay, so that if you go to the website www.childthatyousurvivor.net excellent blogs. I love you guys to learn some things to I have and this is the end and I'm I guess touchy next Friday. This is the care I'm your host Amy Calvo you're listening to 888 and that they remember guys be honest yourself. Be honest letters. This is bad. I imagine dragons and with Amy Coble was brought to you by William Lacey research 786-310-7477 or www.godisthekeyword.com. Tune in every Friday at 2 PM with Amy, right here on 880