The Goal Is Holiness, Not Happiness

Those who think marriage is a magic door to happiness should note that half of all marriages fail. Today God intended marriage to develop character and heart heart can break the bonds between a couple.

If one partner will not repent from Chicago. This is The Moody Church. Our weekly service of worship and teaching with pastor Erwin lutes are today Erwin lutes or continues. A four-part series on till death do us part keys to success in marriage later will come with a frank talk on why the goal is holiness, not happiness. Today's service begins with Scripture reading it. I invite you to take your worship folder and stand as we read God's word together join me on the bold print who shall ascend the hill of the Lord and who shall stand in his holy place. He who has clean hands and a pure heart who does not lift up his soul to what is false and does not swear deceitfully, he will receive blessing from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation, such as the generation of those who seek him who see the face of the God of Jacob. This is God's word, the moon and in and would you join me please. As we pray our father in the name of Jesus.

We ask that you shall help us and teach us what it means to keep our covenant of marriage.

We pray father for all those who are here today looking for a word of hope and a worded healing. We pray for all the singles all the teenagers who are not as yet married we ask Lord Jesus, that you'll give them great wisdom in making this important decision, but father we come to you because we're expecting you to change hearts.

We believe that people are going to be different and couples are going to be different forever because they listen to this word, not my words but your word Lord God, so make this a transforming moment go into a man's heart in the place where he never thought you could enter and change him going to the heart of a woman and change her may she see today with new eyes.

Grant us all help because we are sinful and selfish and very needy in Jesus name, amen.

Well, from time to time. I share either letters or comments with you and by the way last week's message did receive.

I did receive emails and comments that are very encouraging of couples who are in great need, who are finding the whole, but how do you like this. I feel like a thing is my conversation so unintelligible that I'm not worth talking to, I could be a post in the ground for all he bothers to communicate with me.

I feel as if I don't know my husband. He's been hiding from me years. Some time ago a woman told me she says my husband is as old depressive as a guard at Auschwitz this past week I spent 3 1/2 hours with a friend of mine whose wife left him.

I spent time encouraging him praying with him than what happened in his side of the story is simply this, that even though he tried to be her servant. He was not able to create for her the perfect world that she really wanted furthermore that because of some abuse that she had endured in previous relationship. She not only didn't tell want to be involved in any conflict avoided it emotionally and then physically she decided to leave you see in a marriage like that any risk of getting on to something that is touchy or controversial is impossible because you can't take that risk. If someone does not want to work through conflict let you know this is the second in a series of messages entitled the myth of the greener grass based on the book by Jay Allen Peterson I'm at least taking his title and today I want to explode. The most common myth that there is about marriage and the most common myth is simply this, that good marriages don't have conflict if I had married the right one. Why, indeed, we wouldn't be having fights and arguments we be getting along just perfectly so because I married the wrong one.

Where is the SK patch. I'm here to tell you that almost all marriages have conflict. The difference between fulfilling marriages and unfulfilling ones are, how they relate to con and how they work out their differences. You can be here today and you can hate your mate and if you listen carefully, God will teach you how to love and you too can have a fulfilling marriage. If you meet certain requirements that will get into in just a moment, but you see, we expect too much from marriage.

We have our sites fire to hide their people who expect marriage to do what only God is able to do and so here's the scenario.

Here's a woman who marries a klutz it's a good word.

I checked it in the dictionary. I he self absorbed. He can't feel anything for anybody else but he feels his own heard very deeply, but he is a Christian. At least he attends church and has a good job so she marries him she marries an unhappy, self-centered man and she expects this self-centered and noble things to make her happy, to an unhappy man make you happy.

He's failing at it, isn't he. Then you have a man who marries a flighty woman. She's the life of the party. Everybody likes her. She is often times the object of attention and furthermore, she's pretty and because he can see a lot better than he can think he decides that he's going to marry her. But he hadn't counted on something because her father left her when she was a teenager she had a lot of unacknowledged anger that she had never dealt with and he gets married and now he discovers that she has two Pullman freight cars full of baggage and he doesn't know how to handle it and pretty soon the very things that drove him to her, attracted him to art are the very things now that he just can't stand she spends too much. She's not focused. She's everything that he doesn't want she quote isn't the woman he married we'll talk about that just a moment I'm here today to give you hope no matter how disappointed you have been in your marriage.

No matter how many disappointments and how unsatisfying and this matched what are there is hope when a British or was told that there are many divorces in America because of incompatibility.

I'm told he was shocked. He said I thought that incompatibility was the purpose of marriage, I mean why would anyone want to get married if you were not interested in incompatibility. That's the whole point of marriage is incompatibility and God is going to use marriage to work through those incompatibilities to do his work. You stay tuned.

But in order for this to happen. I think that there are at least five assumptions that I need to make an route to a fulfilled marriage five assumptions and done. Listen to these very carefully.

First of all, it does take two of you. It does take two of you. You can work on a marriage to well alone.

You can respond in a godly way, but you can't really work on a marriage alone. Some of you say well you know that that ends up there right now he's not interested in counseling. She can't change so you know we're outta here.

We were checking out of the sermon right now my dear friend you understand why that attitude exists.

Don't you the man marries a woman who is judge mental she's judging everything. She's a perfectionist. He can never please her. So he just shuts down just shuts down because of her judgmental. There was a man who was on a plane, a Christian man sitting next to a non-Christian in the Christian wanted to witness to him and said that now he said the are you ready for judgment day in and said what is it, when is and he said well it could be very soon, or it could be much later, in the guise it will when you find out those dates you let me know because I'm sure that my wife want to attend both times. He's not been open up if he confesses to you, a struggle with pornography and you freak out over it is not going to open up is going to clam up and become what one woman said about her husband a great stone face.

There are some marriages in which there is so much contempt and so much hostility that when he says Belushi says green when he says Reggie says you can predict it. My dear friend. You are never going to have a fulfilled marriage. The both of you unless both of you decide right now we are no longer going to be at Caceres we are going to become allies were going to be on the same page and were going to start to work this out in does take two of you. Second assumption is that you have to go through pain to get there you have to go through pain to get there.

There may be some exceptions, but almost always you have to go through pain, marriages, marriage is looking into a full-length mirror that shows you your sin. That's what marriage does takes to send full selfish people puts them together in intimacy and says get along and it's not easy because of my Canadian background.

I love to drink tea as a matter fact I didn't have coffee this morning. I had a cup of tea at home and also a cup of tea here at the church. There's a woman here, by the way, who loves to bring the boxes of tea that's her ministry and I thank God for that because I've always got lots of tea. Well, you know, when I looked at those teabags this morning.

I you know little white fluffy bags with a little string you really don't know exactly what's in them until you put them in hot water and when you put them in hot water. You discover the kind of tea that it is new got all this brown stuff swirling around in.

There's nothing by the way, now in the water that wasn't in the teabag at the beginning.

Is there now here's the thing that little teabag that sweet little package that represents the single life.

Nobody really knows what's inside because you've never had an opportunity to demonstrate what is inside the moment you say, I do. You're in hot water right here in hot water and suddenly everything begins to come out. She makes me so mad and says now wait a moment was all that anger coming from. There's nothing that she can draw out of you. That isn't already there. You know the dirty water that was in that sweet little teabag that you fooled her with before you were married.

But it's all there. You can't get there from here to there without facing yourself and facing pain which leads to 1/3 assumption we need to have a different perspective on marriage. Some of our staff this week introduced me to the book sacred marriage by Gary Thomas, an excellent book by the way, but Gary Thomas is in his book that the real purpose of marriage isn't happiness. You thought that you were going to be happy. Well you know the real purpose from God's standpoint, isn't happiness.

It is holiness, and then he quotes someone as saying this marriage is the merciless revealer. The great white searchlight turned on in the darkest places of human nature and it is there in the searchlight that our sin is revealed is so that God can work on it and he's got a lot to work on doesn't so easy for us to see other people's it's somebody else's sin. I heard a priest saying you know in the Catholic tradition.

They have confession and the priest said you know a woman came to me and she started to just say all the things about what her husband did there, and so forth and he stopped her and says, whose sins are you here to confess. So in God is to do is to work on us.

Oh, you say I knew right from the beginning that this was a bad marriage.

I didn't love her right from the beginning couple of comments. First of all, what you're confessing to is that you're not really a Christian because the Bible says you're supposed to love your wife. Secondly, could I be blunt here.

You're an idiot to marry somebody don't marry.

And thirdly, it has nothing to do with that. It has to do with this question. How do you keep your covenant, the presence of a holy God who was there to observe your vows.

So with that background, we now go to number three number three yes a different perspective.

Number four.

You must open up lines of communication, man, you have to start to talk you great stone faces out there you're going to have to talk and wives are going to have to accept your husband and not be judgmental against them so that he can talk and feel as if he is heard and why should be able to talk and communicate and the husband actually listen without communication you can't have a fulfilled marriage.

You can have two people in the same house under the same roof and be miles apart emotionally and spiritually. You're going to have to face the pain talking to a man in Christian ministry of all things. This is not some person who is distantly related to the Christian message. Christian minister goes home and takes care of the kids makes the evening meal. What is your wife doing she's on the computer from about seven in the evening to 11 at night in a chat room that's her life is the chapter, my dear friend if you want to have a fulfilled marriage you're going to have to say no to the silliness of chap and you're gonna have to begin to wake up and minister and connect with the mate. God gave you 100 different stories and then you think you've heard them all and then suddenly somebody comes up with another one. So what you need to do is to open the lines of communication is your marriage a priority or isn't. If the chat room is more important than your husband. What are you expecting out of marriage and where you think that is leading you. By the way, and man if you're on the watching all kinds of stuff.

How how is that contributing to nourishing your wife are you serious about making a go of it, or aren't you are you just playing a game. Are you going to counseling so that you can say what you know we tried counseling and it doesn't counseling yet we were there we tried counseling and now there's an excuse for you to leave and goddesses, no. There's 1/5 assumption, and that is that you have to learn the unfairness the unfairness of forgiveness.

There's something about forgiveness that is just so unfair. And that's what makes it so difficult for givers. It was so unfair that Jesus was credited with our sin when he was sinless was so unfair, but it had to be done so that you and I are forgiven and some of you have been treated unfairly, but but what you need to do is to realize that there is forgiveness. Now, if there's been infidelity.

Of course there's a whole process. There were trust has to be developed and so forth, and an excellent book on that has been written by someone who counsels in this area, but the point is that were not giving a simple solution will no matter what he does. Just forgive no, no, no, there are other things to be said, but forgiveness must be there or your fulfillment will not happen.

Now all that, by way of introduction. What I'd like to do is to suggest that there are rewards that we miss when we don't work through our differences and find fulfillment in our marriage. There are rewards that we miss and for this. Let's take our Bibles and turn to the fifth chapter of the book of Ephesians a passage that is very unpopular today because we have bought into the world's values and were so sensitive about what the world is the role of women. No wonder our marriages are in trouble because we have not looked at God's word and followed it in the first lesson that we learn is the lesson of submission lesson of submission and if you're here today and your new or your visiting. I just want to explain to you something about Christians Christians the love of words.

Submit they love it and they love it because Jesus Christ submitted to the father. Where would we be today if Jesus did not submit to the father.

They love it because the Bible says all of us are to submit to Christ, they love it because the Bible says that in the church young man should submit to those who are in leadership to the older elders.

We love the word submit and it lies at the heart of Christian order and Christian faith. So with that background, we Outlook here at 10 verse 22 of chapter 5 wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body and is himself its Savior.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so wives should submit in everything to their husbands and their some wives were present were saying I don't like that the reason they're saying they don't like that is because of fear of what her husband might do or has done to them.

So I need to clarify, we are not saying here that you should ever disagree with your husband. You have a wise husband. He's going to consult you about everything.

Rebecca has kept me from so many foolish decisions that I couldn't even enumerate but at the same time.

It therefore does not mean that a wife agrees with her husband all the time. It doesn't mean that the will of Christ is subservient to the will of her husband. Obedience to Christ trumps obedience to the husband. We understand that it are being abused will then run for help.

Don't walk get help but what this means is, is that the disposition of the wife should be to submit to her husband, and unless there is some extenuating circumstances, she should submit and not merely out of duty, but her disposition should be one to submit for him. The Bible says in the last part of verse 33 see that she respects her husband. That's a separate sermon.

Husbands need respect.

Sorry ladies but it's biblical they need respect our story. Here's a woman whose marriage is in trouble breaking apart and I said to her are you submissive to your husband in the matter of spending because I had a hunch that she wasn't and I remember friend saying to me, you know, my wife likes to go shopping but she never looks at the decimal points. Well, you know I need to repeat that for some of you so I said are you said no she said why should I be. He bought a new car for himself and if he buys a new car for himself will then why can't I buy a BCD F even if he doesn't like and that woman has the audacity to pray to God to help her marriage, I believe that there are so many angels in heaven, whose full-time job is to take these kinds of prayers and throw them in the wastebasket where they belong. God says to himself, why should I answer her prayer for her marriage when she to get on her knees and say I am a rebellious, disobedient wife present wasn't being unreasonable.

She should have repented of her sent man she could begin to say now God help my marriage prayer. You see, often times is like an air raid shelter.

It's intention is to justify our rebuild. Well, I'm praying about what stop praying about it, and repent about it. Your to do that knows what God might do so you say will does the husband ever submit to the wife. Sure, there are times it says in verse 21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. We often submit to our wives because husbands if you think you are off the hook. I have to warn you about what is coming all right, but first of all, we missed the lesson of submission. We miss that was if all that we think to ourselves is the way to bail out of this relationship that's gone to a second reward that we miss the lesson of selflessness, selflessness, now how do you like this verse 25 husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word while husbands love your wives, as Jesus Christ loved the church, had you ever given your self up for her. The Bible says love her as Christ did and gave himself up for her. This is a kind of love that doesn't depend upon how she looks. Whether or not she is the same woman as you married Howard Hendricks likes to tell the story of a guy who said Highway usually just you haven't heard anything until you heard about my wife and Rick said all right tell me and he begins to write one note at after another all the things and then Hendricks says why in the world would you be so stupid as to marry a woman like that he said will when I married her. She wasn't like that. Lord I see you made to her that way you made or that way. Notice how selfless the love of Jesus Christ is despite her fickleness. Despite her selfishness despite her disloyalty. When we make Jesus look bad. He still loves us. Husbands, love your wives, as Jesus Christ loved the church camp on that purse for a week and see what it will do for you, selflessness. I came across a quotation about what dying to self really is and it's from an unknown source, but here it is.

When you are forgotten or neglected or purposefully set not to, and you sting and hurt with the insult or oversight, but your heart is happy, being counted worthy to suffer for Christ that's dying to self.

When your good is evil spoken up when your wishes are crossed, your advice disregarded, your opinions ridiculed and you refuse to let anger rise in your heart, or even defend yourself, but take it all in patient loving silence that is dying to self. When you lovingly and patiently bear any disorder, any irregularity, or any annoyance, when you can stand face to face with waste Fawley extravagant spiritual insensitivity and endure it as Jesus endured it. That is dying to self. When you are content with any food, any offering, any raiment, any claimant, any society, any attitude, any interruption by the will of God that is dying to self.

When you never care to refer to yourself in conversation, or to record your own good works, or itch after commendation, when you can truly love to be unknown. That is dying to self. When you can see your brother prosper and have his needs met and can honestly rejoice with him in spirit and feel no envy or question God, while your own needs are far greater and in desperate circumstances that is dying to self.

When you can receive correction and reproof from someone of less stature than yourself and you can humbly submit inwardly as well as outwardly, finding no rebellion or resentment rising up within your heart that is dying to self. While I need to tell you, in humble confession today that it has taken me, not months, but years to see my own selfishness and my relationship with Rebecca. We as men just don't get it until God clutters us with a 2 x 4 and even when he does that we make other excuses for the pain. God says serve your wife. Don't be your boss for a while serve her and you'll notice that the Scripture says, as Christ loved the church.

Don't give me this, that she isn't the woman you married or this shouldn't have happened in the first place. The question is now how do you keep your covenant and how do you let God sanctify you and purify you and bring to the surface.

All of that hostility and all of that self will, in all of that selfishness through the intimacy of marriage.

That's the issue number three purity purifying love, you'll notice that what is it that Jesus is up to Willie sanctifying the church see men in case you missed it, you and I are to be Jesus to our wives. I remember counseling a young woman who was going to get married and she didn't know whether or not she should marry this guy and I said what are you getting married to Jesus lead ended that for her but that's the analogy she's to be the church. Your to be Jesus. I mean, after a while, there should be some family resembled right now notice what is Jesus up to. He's washing the church sanctifying are, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word so that he might present the church to himself and ultimately to the father, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. And that's what husbands are to do with your wives are supposed to be interested in their wife's walk with God and their wife's purity and holiness. And that's why the Bible says that we are to leave the home. It doesn't mean that you have to be a Bible teacher or teach a Sunday school class or know the Bible well but do encourage your wife by praying for heard you ever prayed together. Is there in your mind and attitude here up service and help on this and encouragement as her leader. That's the question that needs an answer. And so what the Bible says here is that we have the responsibility negatively to keep our wives from evil. This is why there are some women who are working in environments where Christian woman should never work because it is an environment of temptation and it exposes her to evil you say well you know I'm single here speaking and you're saying how do I know young ladies listen you're saying. How do I know that the man I'm going to marry is going to be interested in my purity and my sanctification so that when I die, I presented and made honorable to Jesus Christ. Here's a good criterion. How is he treating you during your dating experience is he encouraging you sexually. Does the one to convince you to go to bed with them before you get married.

If he does, I suggest you take that fish and throw them back into the lake.

All right, I think more of you should've clamped on now many men are out there who say I love you, what they really mean is I love myself and I want you selfish egotistical self absorbed, evaluating only your body not your mind not your heart, not your character, and they are unworthy of you young ladies.

They are unworthy of you. Jesus doesn't want an unholy wife and because of that he sanctifies the church and purifies it in. That's what he's doing in our hearts and that's what our marriages should the whole point of marriage is to purify us. And as I've mentioned, there's nothing that brings our sins to the surface is clearly is the intimacy of marriage. Number four there is intimacy. This is such a rich passage once again I say to myself, should've been a longer series. But I'll pick this up at some future time. Notice what the text is saying here it says in the same way. Verse 28. Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. Oh what you done for yourself recently. OU says spend a lot of time making myself happy. Okay, spend an equal amount of time making your wife happy and in the process, you will be happy because she's one body with you.

You know if you have a broken arm and you are trying to get help for the arm that becomes important to you why because it's a member of your body and when one part of the body or its old part hurt when you have a disgruntled unhappy wife. You hurt because she's part of your body.

So whatever it is that you do to yourself and most of us are very self absorbed. At this point, you do for your wife, because in the process.

You are blessed you want to be blessed.

You bless your wife and you'll be blessed.

That's what the text says in the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh nourishes it and cherishes it, just as Jesus Christ does the church because we are members of his body that says a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife. That's a separate sermon to and the two shall become one flesh.

This mystery is profound and isn't it profile well so what he really means is that every time you pursue happiness for yourself. If you put that amount of energy into the pursuit of happiness on the part of your spouse.

It comes back to you. Now I told you that the purpose of marriage.

The ultimate purpose of marriage was actually sanctification and holiness, not happiness. But here's what I want to say no when we get to this point when our spouses are fulfilled.

We get fulfilled and our happiness is found in their happiness, summarize it. Happy wife, happy life. That's where your happiness is found in I need to say again that in our marriage. Rebecca often has found her happiness in my happiness to my shame. I'm only learning to find my happiness in her happiness, and that's really were happiness really comes from is the mutual fund element of one another when you no longer see your own needs as being superior and it is so easy to justify in my case, you know I'm doing ministry it so easy to justify it, and you really get down to what is important and what is God going to hold us accountable for and suddenly we realize that the answer lies right here. You win the battle in your marriage. You can almost win the battle anywhere else now. No wonder pulses this mystery is great now to concluding comments here about us who are married and all of our struggles and those of you who are going to rebuild a broken relationship. And I believe that that's happening even a response from last time sermon leads me to believe that many of you are grappling with building a new relationship and by the way don't feel hesitant at all to go for counseling note. The problem is most people who go for counseling go when everything is in shambles and it's too late.

Go early and get some perspective and go willing to learn.

Not saying will what is he going to tell me what probably something you should know it's a matter fact couple of comments number one.

Your response to disappointment in your marriage is just as important as the issue itself.

Your response to disappointment and marriage is just as important as the issue is its self. As I was thinking about this yesterday as to how I could say it with a clarity that no one would miss. This is what came to me when your roommate sins against you don't responded by sinning against him or against her. You been sinned against gives you no permission to sin, it may well be that his sin is an entirely different Senate may be a sin of the flesh.

Now, suddenly, your sin can be a respectable sin.

It can be the sin of anger of the silent treatment can be the sin of punishing through what can be called. Often times, a passive aggressive nature that can be your sin. Let me give you a scenario, the husband on Sunday morning wants to get to church on time and he is good reason to because he's a Sunday school teacher and he's on his way and he goes out in the car and is waiting for his wife and spring. Oh, God give me patience, but eventually he can't help it. He presses the horn she hears it.

Her responses so that's what he's doing to me. I'll just let the old goat stay out there for a little while longer. As I take my wonderful time and so he presses the horn again.

She gets into the car is dead silent on the way to church. Finally he says, couldn't you be ready in time. Honey what are you the one that got the kids up, did you make breakfast. Let me ask you that I had so many things to do. I didn't see you doing all these things did I and then he parks his car and her parting shot before he goes to teach a Sunday school classes. What is your class on today filling of the Holy Spirit.

She socked him right where she knew she wanted to socked him. She got it all out of her system without raising her voice without so much as shouting, but it was exactly what she wanted if he sinned against her by telling her to hurry doubt whether or not he did, but and by the way those of you who come to church late.

That's a whole lot you. I've often prayed for you. I've often asked God to forgive your sins, and to make you come on time at the judgment seat of you know, maybe we could say whether he sinned against her because of impatience, but there's no doubt she sinned against him. That's the way some marriages are when your roommate sins against you. Don't you dare now is sin against their ways to handle conflict, and one way is not for you now to sin. Second, your relationship with Jesus Christ stands at the heart of your marriage, your relationship with Jesus Christ. Look at the text wives, submit yourself to your husbands as to the Lord for the husband is the head of the wife.

Husbands, love your wife as Christ loved the church. The whole bottom line here was this when God wanted to demonstrate the relationship of Jesus to the church. The whole purpose was he invented marriage. Many of us think that when the apostle Paul was looking for a good analogy between Jesus and the church. He said you know I think marriage would really work be a good illustration is not the way it was right from the beginning Genesis chapter 2.

The intention was that God wanted our marriages to be pointers to the Trinity, the submission of the son to the father, the order that is in the Trinity and the love that the father then would have toward the redeemed in the sun and submission deeming all of that and are marriages are supposed to demonstrate to the Christian world the truth of the gospel and lying at the heart of it is Jesus Christ in your relationship to him. If you've never trusted Christ as Savior. All of this would make little sense to you, you'd say where is this coming from well it's coming from the Christian context of those who have trusted Christ as Savior.

They have been redeemed and because they are redeemed they like Jesus who redeemed them are a covenant keeping people and as a result, they experience the fulfillment God promise you never trusted Christ as Savior. This is your opportunity to do it, even as I speak to you the Holy Spirit can be speaking to you showing you your need and showing that Jesus can be your Savior received him, and if you know him go home have a long talk with your spouse talk about things you've never talked about before, except one another in the grace of God will be there to help you.

Father, we do ask in the name of Jesus that much gray shall be poured into the lives of those who listen to this message. We pray today father for those marriages that are in trouble and we ask, oh God, oh God, please be merciful, bring fulfillment bring happiness show us our sin teach us the meaning of repentance and we ask Lord God that through your grace our marriages might be pointers to the Trinity and to the love of the son toward us.

We need you, though. In Jesus name, amen. You will on today's Moody Church. Our pastor Erwin Lutzer spoke about why the gold is holiness, not happiness.

The third of four parts in a series until death do us part. Sadly, many couples drift apart as common interests. Wayne next time. Join us to find out what to do and you and your mate are miles apart in the same house you may know someone who could benefit from this life-changing series of messages till death do us part can be yours on CD for a gift of any amount Moody Church.

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