Caregivers, Boundaries, and Addiction

And here I am beautiful. This is the vision is family caregiver are you feeling I would how you hold you more than 65 billion or serving as a caregiver in this country about how to help was that he would look like. What is what is it look like to to speak to them in their distress.

I think it was was the poet John will correct on this when he comes on when he makes an appearance, is that we all live lives of quiet desperation that was thrown through said that we all live lives of quiet desperation and caregivers are living that kind of life in this show was built to design to speak to caregivers so that they can better navigate a path to safety.

A place where they can stand in just catch the breathtakingly if they have to and start developing healthier strategies for their life and so this is why we do the show and we want you to be a part of at 877-655-6755 if you watch my social media when we record this mistreatment lab recorded would love to have you with this 877-655-6755 speak in a recording live. You know of your loving he's the bearer of the board assaulted the sound, the Earl of engineering.

The man forget it. He's just John Butler.

I really entertain myself throughout the week coming up with stuff we intro Michelle. What I don't know what that says that something that says that I have no life.

Quiet is little by the way goes from civil disobedience is very funny. John why you feeling I'm feeling great man. I beautiful day here in Tennessee but it's things with you. What's up doing okay. It's a beautiful day here in Montana get some clouds but the weather's been very nice this week.

You got to like 50, which in March for us is a big deal because when you get that direct sunlight amid all the stone and turns everything in the mud, we have little rivers think everyone knows autoload is a melting and and so that's to be expected. But we get more snow coming in on March were not done with winter out here on Boston's range of friends by that here they said they went 26 months 11 time straight with snow every month.

26 months with snow that didn't always stay you would. We had 5 inches of snow. For example, a Labor Day, but you know in the three days later it's it's gone and but it was a pretty on Labor Day and so it's a beautiful day in the eye get out and feed the horses after the show today just hanging out. Gracie is a move a little bit slow. She's not having the best day, but she sees hanging tough and I'm just just kind of living a life of quietness out here not to serve desperation but quiet and that I do like the quiet well before we get into good. I will tell us a little bit serious so up before we get that out. I'll let you transition us with a joke. John well yeah I don't want to come but is our cashier's check me out loose cashiers at Walmart. What I my voice was a joke, and on five and target, and eight Walmart was LOL I going to Walmart because the there. I don't feel like such a heavy weight over there is in here Austin Everly hey all this with a 38 looks like you enough of this frivolity. I was having a conversation with a couple yesterday actually prove it is a recording some of the NSA and the topic came up that they have a family member that is going to be released from prison and they have at this point in time agreed to let this family member come and live with it. Now let me give you set up shorter and they will dive into this and were going to lay these things up because I think this is an issue that's that's going to resonate with a lot of folks listen to the show and you might want to share this with someone to that you know if this guys in prison because of drugs and he went to prison at least twice because of drugs but the family members feel like that he has made some significant changes. Nice I can get out for a while but another year, but they feel they feel confident of reasonable meta-confidence.

He's made some changes with their will and I do not offer him a place yes a place to live and and so they talked to asked me some thoughts about it and this man. The reason I got involved with them because they are. He's had a pretty significant operation. His wife is taking care of him. This young man is is asked if he could come and help be a part of the caregiving experience for the family. Okay, I got lost their three days and you are the young men.

This imprisoned okay is going to stay and help be part of the caregiver solution on this guy who's had a surgery and his wife is think care of a minute and in so that the famous couple around but this young man wants to basically make amends and and payback you part of that which is incredibly he is a out. He is a family member is a correct he is indeed what you okay so this was not just a friend of the family right under not doing a box that had I had experience with people who mentor individuals through your church or there's a program I got right.

This is there is no time time with this so alright so but then they asked me they said what are your thoughts on this could so I the first thing I thought of it. Okay, I commend the idea is anything I think it's it shows great, some great healing and some great optimism and hope.

But I also subscribe to what Reagan said many years ago, trust, verify, and I think that is such a great set up our great great premise to go by when dealing with this and and and I also offer the following pieces of advice and that I will run this by you and see if what would in turn would have it I said number one is make a list of all your expectations way in advance right and and and whatever those expectations look like, whether it's, you know, rent, housework, groceries, maintenance no contribution yeah and then my mother's and I said have all those things lay down with with you in writing in advance and he has feelings don't get a vote on your boundaries.

Karen and and and I said it.

If that if if it offends an there's that old well into its data may not be a dealbreaker, but certainly a caution flag yeah so it's okay for people to initially chafe at something and then go okay. I thought about it well and if he's serious about making amends for the damage that is caused which is not mince insignificant from what I understand okay that this is a great place to start, and he certainly going to be under but he's under much more restraint now imprisoned that he would be in their home right and so I said you know these kinds of things were. He's not just consider and play video games all day long that can stuff my hand and then the other thing is about having friends come over to the home that I would strongly recommend that he not be allowed to bring any friends to the home for at least six months. Magma yeah I would be I would I would know what you you'd like to be able to keep an eye on on what's going on by that can go south very very quickly and you know you can. The proximity to these numbers from older individuals that are taking care of him if he if he's if he ends up hooking up with the old crowd or whatever it might be better to not have that as close to the home as as as as that that's that's his will and you don't know know he may be making a sincere effort but is right may not be in and so things such as prescription drugs, silverware cash, valuables that kinda stuff anything that can be sold needs to be properly secured and and and I had that conversation upfront that he knows this is what we are expecting this. What were looking at addiction and the other the other thing I said is that the part of the dealbreaker is that if he has to be in a recovery program and using one right now in imprisoned by lucky guy when you think so, but he certainly sober in prison because he is not getting drugs, but that well we don't know that well that's just there is that there is that presumption of dryness, but it's it's you know it's but working a recovery program is going to be something that is if you been to prison twice for drug-related crimes. You got a problem.

You got a real problem in their 303 possible solutions when you're dealing with addiction, you're going to sober up you going to get locked up or you can get covered up those in only three paths you can take yeah and it just depends on how long now that's a yeah and weak. The reason I bring this up on the show is addiction is a chronic impairment. It it is it wherever there's a chronic and there's a caregiver so this is. This could be very well that this is can be a lifelong issue for him to to work a recovery program to go into addenda doesn't have to mean he's in rehab every day. It just means that you your checking in with your your AA or or whatever twelve-step program you working whatever and that you know, I know guys that have been sober for 38 years and are still going to AA mile and and and that that is a that is a tremendous side of healthiness that there there taking this seriously that they're working in there. They're doing this in their having that support system that the billing and getting reinforced this.

What is the deal saying that alcoholics are one thought away from drinking one drink away from a drunk and those who are in relationship with alcoholics or one thought away from you know losing their minds and is that was is a CAA prevents a lot. Helps prevent a lot of suicides and Al-Anon helps relet a homicide.

You will and this was brought up something that I was going get to later to for the. The two older individuals were taking this young man in it would benefit them to you probably learned some about language as well. When I recommended that they go to Al-Anon immediately. You know now because at and in particular, if you think about out for a year yeah you got time to go ahead and get themselves entrenched with the support group of people who understand what what what's going on with this added to this alcoholic and in enabling ES is a is a you don't get they say that addiction is the only disease that convinces you that you don't have it you have but that enabling enabling is really given addiction a run for its money in convincing people that they don't have the out of and we are about that and we caregivers can be enablers almost on Sunday so we caregivers are now yeah if there is a negative rent in Denison have to be with illicit drugs or illicit behavior on this. Sometimes it can be just because there there a lot of different factors to go on with this and and I've dealt with too many caregivers into me. People deal with it when you deal with pain medication or whether you're dealing with somebody who is going through emotional issues.

Whatever you feel bad for it, so you will stuff your own identity and try to make it easy for that person. The scenarios are endless. But if if you're listening to the show now you understand the concept of what I'm talking about and and so I wanted to broach this will talk about some more after the break because I think this is an issue affecting so many family members. The COBIT crisis has caused a huge uptick in addiction issues and alcoholism and their relationships and where were having that are being sacrificed on the altar and it is important we have tools will be right back disputed Rosenberg hopefully caregiver, hopefully caregiver.com don't go away. 3 1/2 decades I have spent my share of night hospital waiting room some foldout cot shares.

Even the floor sometimes on sofas and a few times in the doghouse. But let's still talk about that as caregivers we have to sleep at uncomfortable places but we don't have to be miserable. We use pillows for my pillow.com. These things are great to have a patented interlocking feel that adjusting your individual sleep needs and for caregivers trying to sleep in all the different places we have to sleep leave me our needs get ripped up significantly.

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That's crazy from her CD resilient the caregiver.com see more about her music and how you can get a copy that they were talking about addiction issues boundaries and all the things that are involved in protecting yourself as somebody was in relationship with somebody who has an addiction issue.

Whether it's alcoholism or drug. Here's an axiom that I've I've I stand by because it is proven, the test of times addicts and alcoholics lie, they lie to me.

They now rely, and in that it isn't Sally needed to themselves and others and so it's it's important and for this couple. This could have this young man come into their home and stay with them. It's important that they understand these things.

You don't have to be bitter or resentful or mean about it.

You just have to accept the fact that this is the deal we put on all we go to all kinds of links to protect ourselves against the coronavirus, but there are other kinds of viruses out there if you will. If you could well be to extend the metaphor of the kind of behaviors that other people have that can cause great damage to us and this is one of those issues and that's why boundaries are so important. John, I know boundaries, you have talked about boundaries lot on our knowledge on associations is money to back up at Ashley Wilde boundaries.

The thing that like in this scenario, especially one thing we haven't gotten to is that boundaries are less about the person. Like if if I'm setting boundaries.

It's less about the people that I'm thinking about might injure me or something way more about myself and boundaries. Boundaries are for the people who are setting them, not for the people that there setting them ostensibly against in quotation marks because it's real easy to let something slide if it's small or and then you know you want the next thing slide. The next thing an intervention when you look around you got out and we get so many cats or whatever bites it's writing them down like you were saying earlier I would I would. It's that sort of thing is really good for reminding us and keeping it in our memory of the things that we won't put up with and and is not. That might be of that wave saying it but they really really need to make sure that we keep our our eyes on the goal here and in order to do that we need to make sure that we are following is boundaries and in first enforcing those boundaries in choosing to enforce them is a lot harder I think than being on the receiving end of enforcement often agreed. Yeah that's it think it takes discipline it takes a lot of discipline. I think that I'm just again just throw the six of these are conversation John and I used to have out there on the veranda W. Lacey 15 to Nashville when we were doing the show. Then eight question on this eight years ago this year and we would go.

I have this show we have these long conversations about these topics that I wish we recorded really did a good record because they were very insightful. We had some of the wish we could if they were they were insightful and I just enjoyed picking your brain and listening to you on the sinks but I think that a lot of this is rooted in self-respect, or sometimes the lack thereof, and if you don't value yourself how the world you go to set valuable boundaries well put. Well put. Because if it was are notorious for this you will. Caregivers are no we tried a white knuckle this stuff all the time and we we don't have our it's all up to us like you always say that sort of thing and sometimes that boundary is I've been on the you know I've been on the on the clock for three weeks straight now. I had to take a walk or stand like that and that's now that's a boundary and it doesn't mean that you're not interested in in helping that the euro euro charge out or anything like that can feel like that likes me. I just need to settle thing done I just need to settle thing on at or that little thing just needs to be done well. This big thing needs to get done to eat. We weekly killer sub dealt death by a thousand paper goods, nano and and I think that with caregivers. We tend to feel sorry for the individual. They are suffering they are struggling.

They have a problem and we we hurl ourselves recklessly at this and then it becomes their betterment at our expense relates if if if the person were caring for isn't happy and why should we be sort of thing and that is a rough place to be and it looked like now was what I told this couple and and I said you know.

Again, this guy, he doesn't need somebody to to carry him. He needs somebody to basically put some boundaries for him and have help, you know, at least, at least in this regards.

He knows that this this is off limits. And that gives him a sense of agency for himself to grow up and become wiser and become more responsible and in a responsible functioning member of society. Now, but agency is is something you would. I've had this running conversation over for many years now, because I think that overbearing caregivers tend to lean so far into this, that we rob this individual of agency and I feed the horses out here in Montana and I can't go out there and there standing in the same place. I fed them yesterday writing for me to feed the but I go over to a different place and they look at me with great perplexity. With that, you know that horse face of theirs that I always say why the long face fell.

But now I it's training them because if you don't want to feed them in the same place as yeah it was bad for the that poop gets all of the hay and everything else yet flipping them around the pasture in different places and I I have to train them for this right and I think that we as people sometimes need to be trained that we don't just sit there and wait for somebody to cater to our every need that we have agency and we will you know we will learn to to forage for ourselves. If you have well and this is something I would tell this this couple that some of the boundaries that you put in place need to be specifically for you. Don't get upset if you don't know make idea if if this young man is doing something that is on paper permitted and you know it's it's within his realm. If you micromanage his recovery that is not easy or he's the one that gets to micromanage his recovery and you need to leave his his stuff alone when it's not strictly within the bounds of what you have said is he needs to have his own agency and no maybe makes mistakes, bites it, he will do boundaries again are not to to enforce your will upon him. It's too enforce that he does it to encroach upon your stuff correct. Yes, that stuff may be your peace of mind and an infected melted I would have more to go. This Peter Rosenberger we got.

I just want to have discussions with John because vitamins like a lot of fun and all that is all that is get good gadget although I hope the caregiver hope.com got more to go will be.

This is John Butler and I produce hope for the caregiver with Peter Rosenberger.

Some of you know the remarkable story of Peter's wife Gracie and recently Peter talk to Gracie about all the wonderful things that have emerged from her difficult journey.

Take a listen Gracie. When you envision doing a prosthetic limb outreach. Did you ever think that inmates would help you do that, not in a million years. When you go to the facility run by core civic and you see the faces of these inmates that are working on prosthetic limbs that you have helped collect from all of the country that you put out the plea for and their disassembly sell these legs like what you have your own prosody and arms and arms everything when you see all this. What is the duty makes me cry because I see the smiles on their faces and I know I know what it is to me like someplace where you can't get out without somebody else allowing you to get out course, being in the hospital so much and so long and so that these men are so glad that they get to be doing as as one man said something good family with my hands. Did you know before you became an amputee that parts of prosthetic limbs could be recycled now had no idea and I thought a peg leg. I thought of wooden legs. I never thought of titanium and carbon legs and flex the sea legs and all that. I never thought about that as you watch these inmates participate in something like this, knowing that there there helping other people.

Now walk there, providing the means for the supplies to get over there. What is it do to you. Just on the heart level.

I wish I could explain to the world. What I see in here and I wish that I could be able to go and say the this guy right here Denise go to Africa with that. I never not feel that way out every time you know you always make me have to leave. I don't want to leave them.

II feel like I'm at home with them and I feel like that we have a common bond that would've never expected that only God could put together. Now that you've had experience with it what you think of the faith-based programs.

The core civic offers. I think they're just absolutely awesome and I think every prison out there should have faith-based programs like this because the return rate at the man that are involved in this particular faith-based program and other ones like it, but I know about this one are. It is just an amazingly low rate compared to those who don't happen and I think that says so much that has anything to do with me just has something to do with God using somebody broken to help other broken people. If people want to donate or use prosthetic limbs, whether from a loved one who passed away or you know somebody well groomed. You've donated some of your own for them to have it, how they do that please go to standing with hope.com/recycle staining with hope.com/recycle. Thanks Grace