Developing Your Child's Unique Personality

I think every child that God brings to this planet is on a mission and it's our job as parents to help them understand what that purpose is to not get in the way that with our own agenda on what were trying to philistine parents. It really is about launching people into their purposes.

So, I often think I didn't call us to raise perfect children.

He called us to raise purposed children.

That's Julie Liles car and she joints today on Focus on the Family with your host focus president and Dr. Jim Daly and on John Fuller, John, you have six children. Are they all along.

Of course, no, no, not in the least and I do not know why that is. It's because we all come in will bit of a God spare bonus right little bit of a temperament about Messerli temper, but we have pre-position predestined.

I think personality but you know extroversion and introversion diapers a morning person. I think these are things that are in our DNA.

When we get here. I see that my two boys are such differences.

Their study habits are. Different just the weather relate to people is quite different and that's something that is God-given, I think. I'm amazed at the fact that this is a finite box that we plan another words you can do Myers-Briggs of the disc testes personality profile tests and there's four, five, maybe seven personality types that we all fit into to where researchers and scientists now can basically say were unique but we have a bent toward one kind of thing or another and were to talk more about that today and how it applies to your original child and we want to encourage you because every child as you said Jim is unique and our goal is not to force them into a box, but to understand how God created them, and Julie Liles car can help us do that.

She's a popular speaker and very active in ministry and she and her husband Michael have eight children and I'm sure they're all alike should have an excellent book called raising an original parenting. Each child according to their unique, God-given temperament, and it's a joy to have her with us today.

Julie welcome on behalf of all moms think kids are you saying or what's happening sanity.

It's great. I love big family.

While we love it and I know you can attest to this feeling that many people think I got a copy of it so beautiful so nice try but it's interesting. With eight children.

You. You can test your theories here because you probably have a couple that are like, but by and large they're all unique. They have Bentz describe what I talked about in the opening there that you have that extrovert that introverted that people person than on people person the dreamer the you know person that's into the analytics yes yes yes yes I mean we all of it and it never fails to amaze me that these kids that we have raised together in this Psalm with the conversations and the meals in the family traditions all of that can have such different ways in which they expressed their lives different paths that the Lord leads them on different interests and different ways of just how they approach things. I think the thing that still is amazing to me even 10 years later is having had the experience of carrying twins and for them to be so completely different from each other last pregnancy that was the last we had six and then you had twins for around seven got a bonus that when the doctor said listen Michael and Julie Juergen have twins.

What was your initial reaction like wow that's great. Or, oh my goodness, what I really thought we were halfway through the pregnancy and my husband has never been able to look at a sonogram with any kind of acuity whatsoever. Michael is that what's that what's the problem right exactly all the kids were actually in all six kids were in there we were with them. A friend of mine who had a sonography studio and said she had this big screen up on the wall were you can see the baby and and they put that top 10 on their end. My husband went to NMI.

I thought our soundness in with me right I know this is my how many of pregnant if I had twins on board. I would now and the kids started screaming and jumping and finally it dawned on me when my friend the stenographer said let me see if that's 1/3 and that was that. I went alike. I guess it would be unprofessional and medical professional to like try to plunk you and show you as well. I'm not on a reality show about to make my own reality show difference there.

You know what I love in your book you talk about, never truly being prepared to be a parent and I love that because every one of you listening if you're a new parent here is great advice.

You're knocking to do perfectly. It doesn't come with a manual. You can read all the books, even if you do it well. Your your kids have their own temperament, their own disposition personality in the formulas don't always work. Rarely do they work is a lot of improv lot in front of the borders of righteousness are firm.

We know what those are and what the Lord expects of us in terms of raising our kids into B Ito valuable members of society and to love the Lord and to give back and to be contributors. We got that.

But there's so much room in the field of grace for how that expresses himself and so I think sometimes we all try to come up with the same choreography and we try to implement that on every single kid we had kids that adopted well that just seems to be a good fit for them and can't sit down and not only does that it doesn't really seem to fit become a little resentful because were not seeing them, seeing first a template ever seen. First, a system all of us have a deep desire to know that we have been seen for who we are not necessarily just the program that is so well said, I think you look at teenagers today there yearning for that recognition that I'm here on the front of you, mom, dad know. Can we can we communicate, they don't always invite you into their conversation like that there screaming at art, but I think a lot of times are kids who seem to be resistant and those teen years. I think there's a lot of saying you know who I really am.

Do you really love me and accept me or are you only willing to look at me through a filter of your own expectation for any of us in any relationship. If we think that people are coming to the table with a filter of expectation clarity feel hesitancy to really reveal who we are.

We have a real ethic in our house that hopefully were seen played out, but it's keep the conversation going. Whatever I have to do to do my Oscar face. Oh really has to handle that interesting to me about that instead of the internal freak out. You know, but to just have that hey, let's keep the conversation going. Stay neutral.

Tell me more. Talk to me about that. Why was that the decision you mentioned the book what the purpose is the real mission of parenting, I think you're touching on if we were to just ask that question. Why, what is the purpose to parenting, what would you say I just see all over the word of God that when he makes people he places them in the book of acts tells us that is that he places people in specific times in specific epics and specific places in geography for his purposes. When I look at the different accounts that we have throughout the word of God about people that he announced were on their way, whatever that was going to be like getting an RSM center. Jesus himself, he always predicated it with this child is going to do this and this is why I'm bringing this child into the world mission there was a mission.

I think every child that God brings to this planet is on a mission and it's our job as parents to help them understand what that purpose is and to not get in the way of it with our own agenda on what were trying to fill as being parents. It really is about launching people into their purposes. So I often say God didn't call us to raise perfect children. He called us to raise purposed children and the difference between those two words is pretty significant when it comes to the ways in which you approach a parent let me ask you, you and Michael had your grand plan for getting married young couple. This is where it's gonna be. You have 3.3 children number in your case eight and the did your plans get disrupted. They come true.

The way you think they should have and whatever take us back to the early decade the first decade of your marriage.

What happened. We owe our plan was so beautiful I that what I mean. Jim and Johnny should had the thing laminated it should've been framed. It was just so well laid out an timeline is usually done very nice borders. It was awesome and so we had a grand plan.

I was in television and radio. Michael was going to go to law school and and get that first you know community citywide or maybe in a statewide congressional or political seed of some sort and a 10 year mark we would go to. Now let's say you are up and while you're in Europe, possibly in Italy or increasing the conceive.

Our first child, and it was all just bury a lot of detail. There were no housing requirement.

Housing requirements are going to be Matt's a variety of things and we had been married about seven months. When we learn something that is profound for couples to learn which is spontaneity can cause people to this new marriage with this beautiful 10 year plan.

We had our first child, Madison and Michael in particular. I always left kids in and enjoy being around kids in my keynote really kids that came later well documented right really was someone who had thought.

I don't know if I ever have kids. We need this when we married, you know II don't have a lever of kids. If I do it will be far down the line, and maybe one maybe two maybe.

And over time the Lord really worked on us because it was one of the questions we never bothered to ask God we had asked him about what jobs to take and we were supposed to live and things like that that we never asked him kids and family like an apparently the Lord question and so we when we opened up that question we discovered that God really softened our hearts for the experience of a bigger family. Julie, here's the question why we try so hard to be normal, as opposed to identifying that originality that God is created by me. He's a creator of life and he gave us a bouquet, not a single flower.

Why do we lean toward normal and find comfort in normal rather than let's raise these kids as originals all ate your case for a lot of us some of our greatest hopes and fears have to do with our kids and if we can find something that we think is can it be guaranteed that it seems to take some of that fear off it quells that I think we all left things that feel like formulas and guarantees and in certain ways that we think will work, and it's always fascinating to me when people ask me about the expression of raising our kids will tell me exactly will give me the list and I might grow. You talk about your kids because what's worked for some of mine may not work for some of yours. We have a funny story that we tell one of my children. My second child Mckenna she really likes things to be plotted out well. She likes to know what's coming up what she can expect and she has a real heart to be compliant and to be on track. She really likes knowing what the parameters are meet the expectation correct. She really likes that. So when the oldest kids were young. I was looking for efficiency models and so I had this chart if you do this. This is the punitive consequence. So if you do that it can be this much timeout if you do this and it's gonna be.

I'm to get to take that stuffed animal and if you do this, I laid it all out. McKenna looked at that chart and you could see her little mind going okay. Excellent okay never going to do any of that stuff. Third child justice walked up to the list and went totally worth it all is not big deal.

I'm willing to pay the price.

So I think that some of it is trying to make efficiency models. I think some of it is we want those guarantees but I tell you the thing that I find over and over.

We, to some degree, find a lot of our identity in our parenting and if we have a kid go rogue or we have a kid who does something the way that we didn't like or we have a kid I don't know speaking hypothetically for a friend whose child always shows up to Sunday school with two different shoes on and the nasty shirt you've ever seen. That would be one of mine are people going to judge me. What are they gonna think about me and what is it say about me. So I think some of it is out of it and a desire to really do things that are beneficial and good for our kids but some of it really is to protect ourselves sometimes because we really want people to judge us. Julie, how do we untangle ourselves from that first how we recognize it and then do what what is the other way and is that sufficient to ensure that our kids have the best shot at doing well in life because I think it's all kind wrapped up in their success and how we measure them by their grades by you know what, we all talk about what college. Our kids are going to go away. I mean that usually it but not all kids are cut out for college.

There's vocational pathways there's other things that they can do to earn a living. But we do tend to freak out in panic. So speak to that mom specifically who is in that mold of you know I'm watching all these things. How does she relax and where does she find her security and her comfort even if her kids are doing what she wants them to do. One of the questions I ask myself if I start bumping up against something. I like glue. I don't know that I want them wearing or doing or saying or what did they just post on social media with my last name of the things I asked myself this question issue is that they I'm worried about you know, this sort of societal mythological day and that they tells us things like, you can't wear white pants after labor day and that they have certain expectations about when your Christmas tree can go up on your Christmas tree can come down and then actually governs a lot of some of the note that different cattle shoots we try to put our kids in, and we think they're supposed to work through. Sometimes it's a day that is sort of the day that church broadly will what will the church, think, and if I'm trying to raise godly kids. What will they say they see this and does that match their definition of godly kids and sometimes it's the day that's within just our own extended family and community. Oh my goodness that my mother realizes that I've let them do blah blah blah. Or if they get wind that so-and-so's gonna go to community college bursting out what is my father-in-law going to say we got this day that we worry about when I identify that day. It helps me identify what is that God's guidance and voice. Or is that me seeking approval or trying to buffer against some kind of judgment so I think when mom hits that place that she's freaking out a little bit.

Who is the day you identify and if it's really someone that is important and is a mentor is someone who disciples you okay, that's important.

They listen to, but if it's a day who's always critical or it's an extended family member who always has an opinion. It's different than what God is guiding you to do for your child that they just has to get quiet and you need to not allow your emotion to spool when that they can be shouting very loudly. I think it's really important for all of us to take a strong look at how God is asking us to raise each individual kid and I don't think we often stopped to ask that. It's so true. Let me ask you this.

When God sees us know mom and the kids in your case the kids that is given you what is she looking for.

I think he's looking for a celebration of what he's created.

I know Genesis tells us that God creates, and he stands back and he says this is good stuff.

This is great and so I think he's looking for people to partner with him and parenting who equip themselves to celebrate his good purpose and what he is designed, you know, I've got kids that are quirky, I've got kids to behave in funny ways. I've got kids you know my 16-year-old who goes to the grocery store without shoes. I know I know that I celebrate that now in a way that was hard for me to celebrate initially when I thought there should have been stronger.

Rules are what are people going to think that you get there that I got ask you because I mean is he ever looked at the bottom of his feet when the couple is what you pay attention to read through the what. I'm just thinking of particularly good moms but that's to that are so wrapped up in how could you ever do that.

I use those words. Unfortunately, and I would love to be more celebratory in their uniquenesses, but how do you move from point A to point B, to where you can relax in your prioritizing appropriately concentrating on the right thing.

So you're not really doing damage you. I think for me, part of it in and when people asked about the size of our family in terms of the what's the testimony on that unit. That means God thinks your amazing parents and like maybe you adopt it as it I'm I think part of it may just be that God like I finally got through to her after eight figured it out. I think part of it organically came about for me because honestly when you're raising this number of kids. There are certain things you just learn organically are not that important. Okay, so a kid went to the ballet and he was wearing nasty sneakers. Nobody died.

It's okay. And so I think some of those things just in basic survival of do we have everybody in the car and is everybody somewhat covered fine were good. It's a victory. I think that really resetting what my expectations were for what children can do, who they can be and then just in the process of seeing when you celebrate someone and you honor them compliance. In those times that you need to say hey I'm just asking just for this family wedding. Would you please take the blue out of your hair reduce down where it's not every day you're hammering them about something else. It doesn't meet your preference. I mean, here's the reality. I decorate my home based on a preference. I have, how would I feel if I had somebody coming into my world and saying you must decorate in this certain way, when really end of the day it's a non sequitur that's become one of the questions I try to focus on, as well as what is a non sequitur.

What really in the grand scope of things does not matter in comparison to the health and the joy of this kids soul. If that kid wants to where we are, nail polish, or wants to wear ripped whatever in the grand scheme of things.

It doesn't matter because they are a great grand person with compassion was to celebrate that, and I love that and let's get into that personality type, which is what your book is based on kind of the disc test of old run you've applied it in a different way. Given the disk acronym different names, but I love it. It's a way for us to understand God's hand in our development and how we think and again these are broad concepts, you're probably a mix of all of them were three of them or whatever.

The.

The way that you see yourself but let's go through the disk acronym and describe it forced the disc.

What is that represent I checked you were just a little bit because I felt that some of the technical terms that are used in the traditional desk and are actually the sound that preceded that that brought even a little more strong. I wanted these terms to feel victorious and like a land I didn't want to.

Oh that's the bossy one. Or, you know that's the shy one you and I wanted it to feel like right on the place very much that the DI five called that the director and and you know that you see on the playground to just seems to organically be able to get everybody in line and working to do a play here in the playground and I'm to do this in your to do this is in this and people go okay well why are leaders, their leaders, they are leaders. Now I I believe everybody is a leader right everybody's leaving somebody but these are the ones you tend to lead the biggest groups in an organized way. In a way that is very very task specific.

At the really important designation between the next when I'm in a talk about which is the I and I called that when the inspire and inspire can get everybody together on the playground but it's for audience because they're in a deal, a bit different and there is much more about those relationships and having fun and being spontaneous and engaging everybody in that sense of fun and so that's the difference between those two styles of leadership. If you will. They're both very attraction all people tend to flock around that for the directorates task, and for the inspire. It's more people really correct and then I have what I call the S the steadfast and this is the person who also is very relational like the influencer but this doesn't need 274 friends at a setting there great just a smaller group that they really invest in. What's also interesting with the steadfast is as much as the inspire doesn't really care if things are different new and there's no routine. The steadfast really likes for things to be fairly plotted out. They like to know what's coming. They are an amazing person to come alongside a great second if you will like. I don't like that term is a little friend a wonderful friend there a way yet all that all of that so I love the steadfast in my life because I just think they help make the world go round and then we have what I call the curator and the truth. That's the person who labels their label maker like they really love spreadsheets. They really love knowing the data and they really need people in general there something of a lone wolf like you know what I got this. You guys are great to go do my thing. We need curators in the world there really important to have and I think that they lead in a way that is sort of different obviously than a DR and I are an ass, but they lead in the way by saying what's the standard and when you're someone who set the standard you are leading and so I also find that the curators in my world are more task oriented.

So we got the director and the curators were more task oriented.

The director wants people to organize the curator wants stuff to organize the ID influencer and the S. The steadfast are more relational. The influencer likes and inspire her is another way of saying it also really likes to have lots of people around the steadfast really doesn't need as many but also like that relational aspect, those are great generalities to understand the benefit of your child and then help parent in that direction right so don't try to take a director and make them into you know, influencer or something like that. No other better than them, help them and that way is that fair and that's very fair now.

The other corollary is, neither do you want to take a snapshot of a child at a certain stage of development and say your director, director, director, director when ultimately that child may say you know actually I feel like I'm a bit more of an inspire.

I, like that influential role in a positive and comedic like so to make sure that we leave enough room. This is not something were stamping on them. It's a way of understanding who they are in this season. We do have vents that come very naturally but we see some things rise in crest and then maybe dip a bit depending on what season of life are and what kind of experiences were having and the various roles that God can call us to in certain seasons appreciative because I think a lot of us, especially when the kids are younger, we want to know who is this child going to be when they grow up and we missed the opportunity for the right now, and in there is a transition that happens for a lot of kids. They move from one kind of style to another or you didn't see the style that finally shows up when their young adult and it's glorious to find out oh I didn't know that right. I think it still as being in that place of wanting to continue discovery that we don't have it we don't ever have it all figured out, but that's the glory of it and I love that I love that attitude of a parent to be in that direction. To get to know your child and to find out their likes and dislikes really know them well know their hearts. Julius been so much fun to have you back think and talk more about this in the book, raising an original. You do have the assessment for the child and so when you pick up the book, you can use that with your own kids to kind of identify were there at I think that's terrific. And this is one of those resources that will help you in your parenting. I so appreciate your attitude having eight children just that ability to know what are the important things and one of the unimportant things right. Haven't got one things it with eight children you're forced to efficiency. You can't really worry about things that are important right out of the one that is come through loud and clear, and even for the mom that has one child and mom and dad, do you know for both of you. If you're in that spot where you're panicking a bit. This is an excellent resource for you and the one of things we have as well is the seven traits of effective parenting assessment that's on the focus website to help you identify your strengths and your weaknesses when it comes to the parenting side of this, so I'd encourage you to take that it's free and there's also resources there that will augment the strong areas read to Judge and that's absolutely right. I've taken the assessment.

It does shine the light on your strengths and does give you some ideas on how to grow is well and hope you are inspired to do that, take the assessment when you're online. We got the contact details in the show notes and by the way, as you can, please donate to the ministry of Focus on the Family and request a copy of Julie's book, raising an original parenting. Each child according to their unique, God-given temperament and was again her phone number 800 the letter a in the word family. In fact John.

We believe in this content Julie to the point where if the listener you want to get a copy just make a donation of any amount if you can afford it.

Get a hold of us will get it in your hands and I'm sure others will help us cover the cost.

We believe Julie you have really done a great job putting this together and helping us think differently about how to pair with the grace of God, the love of God and the discernment of God.

So it is a great resource, thanks for being with us.

Thank you so much for having me and do plan now to join us next time as we do from John Burke. You'll explain why it's important to stay connected to God. A branch doesn't have to work hard to produce for all it has to do, stay connected to the trunk of all and fruit happens naturally. I'm the following are the branches. Stay connected to me, and you will bear much fruit.

Apart from me you can do nothing on behalf of Jim Daly and the entire team. Thanks for joining us today for Focus on the Family I'm John Fuller inviting you back. As we once more help you and your family thrive in Christ. Everything about Brio can actually work.

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