Devotions for Marriage

Today on Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman exclusion it forces people to sit down and have a conversation and reflection and pray together who may not have done any of those things on a regular deliberate basis. Some they were to stand before the throne were to look at each other. I knew you could be like this. I'm so astoundingly joyful because I know I was part of the way God brought you to become a person while building a relationship with Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the New York Times best left leg and on this weekend before Christmas break conversation securely married and you want to draw closer to welcoming back. Dr. Timothy Keller and Kathy Kelly wrote the book the meaning of marriage facing the complexities of commitment with the wisdom that is help so many both single and married vision with the purpose of God in a culture that is so confused. Marriage sex gender, you name it. Develop a one-year couple's devotional based on that same material. I think this could be one of those resources that has the potential to really help marriages thrive because I think any time that a couple comes together and is listening to the same word you know devotional Scripture or comments that got something to talk about it and they got something to discuss with each other.

You cannot do that on a regular basis without stimulating the relationship with each other as well as your relationship with God, our featured resource is the book that Dr. Tim and Kathy Keller the meaning of marriage a couple's devotional back in 1989 Tim started, Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan which is become a thriving ministry.

Kathy Keller received her MA in theological studies at Gordon Conwell theological seminary and are featured resource is their fourth collaboration again the meaning of marriage a couple's devotional you find out more at 5lovelanguages.com.

Dr. Keller and Kathy welcome back to Building Relationships. Now the inception of the original book of the meaning of marriage came almost 30 years ago when you taught this material to mostly singles in your church talk about that and how things have changed over the last three decades.

First of all, a course that was 30 years ago it was preaching to a group of singles like that who mainly needed to hear what marriage actually was. They were reasonably preached to them along series on this was because so many of them expressed fears are getting married and we felt like while they don't even seem to understand what the biblical ideas of marriage are so that no one are afraid they don't really know what it entails. And so it was originally. It really was a series of messages to single people, but later on week we came to realize well basically just laying out what what what marriage is and with that's the reason why our book meeting marriage.

We thought of as being given as much to single people as to married people. Single people, you know what marriage was really get into it and my people need to know what was in order to do it better.

So even though we did have one chapter on singleness in that book week we understood the entire book being written to single people want to say back if you heard from that book on the meaning of marriage from singles our marriage. A lot of feedback from really all around the world. We get letters to get emails people come up to him, especially at conferences and say save my marriage save my life. I married feedback with a couple of summers ago when Justin Bieber was spotted walking around with a copy of the meeting of marriage, and that went viral when people call it even got into the hands of someone like that just shows that REITs the far-reaching of the book, we've never met Justin Bieber will know them at all. However, when he was seen reading the book. Of course all kinds of legal fan websites and all these magazines started looking at the book, I actually heard an interesting interview with a with a woman, a young woman who is a journalist to decide to read the book.

She was not a Christian she was living with her boyfriend and she read the book and that she was interviewed about the book and was intriguing was she.

She spent about three or four minutes saying it's filled with horrible regressive views of sex, and even if you marriage is terrible, because we all know marriage is a patriarchal institution ought my boyfriend to get married and then she spent the next 15 minutes saying is, once you get past that the book was strangely moving and very helpful for our relationship things and extremely helpful relationship which I thought was fascinating that even without really accepting the basic biblical teaching about marriage that wisdom of the Bible when it came to marriage was such that she was drawn in even to even to try to apply it apart from the framework which I think does a test on the power not so much of our book, but to what the Bible says that one of the things you said in that book wasn't marriage is glorious but hard now. I love you all been married and is it still hard it will be 25 years January 4. Still, hard and new ways. It's always like raising children, making a marriage is like raising children, just as you figure out one stage they go on to another state that you have no idea what to do about that way to do you get to the honeymoon stage and childless day and you have young kids, then you have young adult children.

Or maybe you've never had children. So many you hear my library, so she said my life is been married to five men and they've all been me listening. We changed so much in ourselves and our spiritual growth and staying married to the same person a lot of time to get the bad rap monogamy good to be married to someone one person for that long a time you really aren't because everything changes and it's like a kaleidoscope I changed changes and we still are adjusting where looking at the balance of 70 and we're still figuring it out to discuss and close the problem of looking for a soulmate or a perfect match while Isaiah problem we were trying to overcome the growing belief on the part of young people that if they could find a person who didn't want to change them and therefore fit them perfectly. That's how they would find it fit in perfectly because they didn't want to change them and we only had lots of wonderful time together, and then requested that the downside of that belief is that if we have any fights.

That means we want to perfect match any conflicts and we just couldn't find the right person.

That's it… The toxic belief. The fact is we are trying to say over and over again that there's two sinful people that are going to be in every marriage, and that actually one of the purpose of marriage is to find your flaws in your faults to have them pointed out to you by your spouse through forgiveness and repentance and admonition of one another to actually change so there's really nothing wrong with saying somebody's or soulmate but that's not the way people are using it to me And I would probably call each other soulmates. Of course, but that's not what the culture means by that means someone who doesn't want to change you and who you met revenue fights with this culture has even become a meme FLN foam of fear of missing out and people are passing out really good relationships for lifelong marriage because they say will maybe someone better is just around the corner just like this person and then somebody else comes along and what he thinks.

Very sad cases that and you know once the perfect person because you both know, humans don't have conflicts with people think of your relationship to Jesus is not always wonderful and happy and warm and close and they look at me like, well, I said well and wanted you perfect in our relationship. So what can be like marriage work, and concept today. Also to deal with, and that's very supposed to make you happy and you need to find somebody could make you happy. As part still pretty pervasive today, isn't it. Yes, I just read a little book by a philosopher called happiness a very short introduction about University press and not a Christian book and the man is not a Christian, but even he recognized that there's a difference between happiness and deeper satisfaction and he actually says happiness usually means no troubles. Everything is pleasant everything is just fine and I'm having all my needs met and he actually says what were really looking for is really not happiness were looking for satisfaction, fulfillment, something deeper and so often happens on the far side of difficulty in trouble went when you come to decide what is the most important things in your learn perseverance, even he understood that happiness is kind of like always grinning and being a party and satisfaction something deeper. I think it's fair to say that the satisfaction fulfillment that comes from marriage is on the far side of a lot of the conflicts. A lot of the bearing one another's burdens, and a lot of the reconciliations that really will give you a much deeper, satisfaction but no if you just going thing I want marriage should be happy you probably mean I don't want ever anything to go wrong really problems. And that's that's a fiction that so that's an illusion. Dr. Keller and Kathy. The main problem that every marriage faces you say in the book is the self-centeredness in both spouses hearts and I'm I'm really interested in a devotional way to look at that. Can a year-long devotional cure that self-centeredness know what it can do family things discussing your conflicts praying together paying attention to one another. If you have something that you are doing every day, forcing you to be face-to-face in conversation that can be a habit that grows and nourishes and sustains a marriage not so much. That's the prop. That's the occasion for the talking and the praying in the discussing, but the devotional itself not a kind of magic book.

Believe me, is very different from the common topic book.

So what is the devotional help us do that. The book typically doesn't help us devotional slows you down so that every principle or concept is digested and it also helps you apply it makes you gives you an opportunity to think right so what difference would this make if I believe if you're just reading out 200 300 page book, the ideas come by awfully fast. Okay there's idea. One idea to idea three and we discuss it, maybe even a small group or reading it and I'm thinking about it and on you go. Where is the devotional I should take every single concept.

It just it isolates it. It's it puts it in front of you and it helps you think about the implications of it, and I actually think that that it so it slows you down and I also think the people are probably more used now because of the Internet to reading shorter pieces and digesting them so we were partly adapting to the culture and were also recognizing that it's one thing to come to give people sermon on marriage. Nothing to get on the application for how they can apply to the lives devotional gloves that it forces people occasion that forces people to sit down and have a conversation and reflection and pray together may not on a regular deliberate basis.

That's the real value of it. I think it's because otherwise you can read a book she can read a book and not even discuss it. But in the chances are you going to be discussing this well the two of you come to value a daily devotional time together hardhats in our marriage. I've been sick had been in and out of the hospital without number of major issues on the table and at one point we were sitting in bed had turned the light off and I said you know, Tim, if we don't pray together when I can make it. We just aren't going to make it so we committed then and there to pray before we let the sleep every night for even the briefest amount of time long short about this or that we didn't have anything that will bring out and we had tried praying together when we first got married Carol failure horrible failure and prayed in long pastoral paragraphs about what that was your sentence. Back and forth, back and forth and he does a sentence after about a week. It fizzled during that's really hard when they prayed together. We are not to make and since then we haven't missed a night. How many years have been to the company from Seoul Korea. He calls me from coal all alone for writing other night so I would add this, I think that now that were empty-nesters and we also like to get into bed and read for a while before turning off lights, we not only pray just before turning off the lights, but it's we naturally talk about how the days go on our feeling our doing our relationship is rather naturally. The last half-hour every night. I think for people with children have to create as an empty Nestor. I it's it's a lot easier to actually get the time to actually say how we doing with God and how we happens much more like readily when we had kids at home. It was, it just didn't happen and this devotional is an excuse to create some time in which you do because it's really not easy. I can certainly see that list. Just like in terms of okay so couples got this devotional and this okay we don't try this, so maybe one of them is going to read the devotional that day the Scripture and the comments that day to the other person and then prayer response.

Prayer is the dice you just starting that. What's the dynamic. How is that likely to go, what might you feel or experience in the early stages of doing that we now had done something I think every couple a lot of matter how frantic their lives to establish something they call talk time, which is half an hour every night that they're both in the same house where they talk to each other, not about the grocery listed the car repairs or what the kids did that day or their jobs. But how are you how are you doing what's going on with you and God and has been to them the most renewing things out something like that already happening. This would be a great occasion to create it is to create a talk time islands in your day whether it early early in the morning or late at night after the kids are in bed country cannot disagree with him a little bit. I'm not sure last thing at night is the best time to do this devotional because some of the subjects are pretty dealt pretty deeply into our sin patterns and I'm not sure that talking about those right before you go to sleep is the most helpful thing I've him and I have discovered that nothing really good gets said after 10 o'clock at night grouchy and we had a lot of repenting to do in the morning. If we start having topic plated nights well to be real real is two ways to do it. One would be that you you read the devotional together no way that would be one person actually reach out loud just to the gets to the spot where it is a reflection question and one that question is posed in two of you just discuss it.

I would take turns over as one might do it one or one day, one person read the next three because that's when you're reading it you actually sometimes hear it differently than if you're listening to it audibly. But somebody reads it asked the question you discuss it, and whoever's reading could pray the prayer for the two of you that's going to do it and just take turns that way you do it is individually rated. Maybe take a couple notes down sellers answer the question in your mind, or else maybe right maternal and when you get together you could discuss it.

I would think even be careful about this.

You might want to say we can reduce two or three times a week. So we have to read it every day and take our notes but then maybe two or three times a week. We would meet and talk about it but to me the best of the everyday so you do individually and then discuss what you what you learn. Or you could just read it right there together which populates the least amount of time that you're having to get to it. But one person poses the question of a person tries to answer it and then one person and for think sometimes couples are praying together sometime ago I did some research and it indicated that not more than 15% of Christian couples actually play together on a regular basis, and if you don't tell.

Thank you for the food a man but but devotional like this in a prayer that the hand can be very helpful in getting started hearing yourself.

Pray out loud, you know, to me that's one of the powerful things about it. Also rewritten.

We think of the on ramp to a prayer you could just literally read the prayer and say amen it would be better to read the prayer and then continue in your own words for a bit so he soon imbibing on some people have never prayed out loud with anyone. Not that anyone and I think that people would be more comfortable to reading the prayer today. I don't have to think of words and jostling as they go along.

They will get more comfortable having like I like the concept for them maybe all they do, but after a while it starts to sing some other things so that you also like the point that this devotional is not to be in place a person's individual time alone with God. Why is that so important problem with this is more about how does my relation with God influence my marriage which is very important, but it doesn't necessarily get you to talk directly to God about God.

For example, in the posterior consists of adoration and confession and thanksgiving and supplication during God confessing your sins you're thanking God for all he's done and you're asking for things like if the only devotional is his marriage devotional you do very little praising annually confessing you would be doing with you confessing sins of the things you don't want your management and myself.

I don't only sit inside my marriage. I sent off all over the place and therefore it really wouldn't be sufficient as a devotional that looks your whole life over and brings it to God and praises God.

We think that this would be great for your time with spouse in a course oriented toward God, but you really did have your own personal time to seek God self not merely as a means to an end like improving your marriage or really anything else because God is the end. He's not the means to an end and therefore this devotional can help you with your marriage. But that's not why you see God's 80th time set aside where it you and God talking about your soul and your relationship together headline over this conversation with Telus today is Tim Keller admits he sends all over the place already believe? Take a break and that is if it's if marriage is to self-centered people coming together that if we do we do a devotional together. I will be looking at that devotional and thinking yeah God get my wife she's got this you have to go into this open with your own heart rather than looking at your spouse for God to smack her or him upside the head. Kathy what he think we wrote it in a way that we make that impossible to happen because the reflection question is not one question it has been.

Do you believe this certainty is this how you treat your wife, why, how are you with the same subject on your end so that the reflection questions as far as I can remember everyone a 365 devotional is addressed differently to both husband and wife so it's not like just one question, and you know it you're not suggesting you honey. It's two sides of the coin slot.

Let me get the format for what I'm seeing for one day. This is for December 18 is a quote from the section of the original book the meaning of marriage about the term comprehensive attractions of the devotion goes through that what the culture says and what the Bible says after that there's a series of reflection questions couples married or dating. What do you see in your partner's interbeing that attracts you and there's another question there and then a thought for prayer that reads think of the ways that you have already seen God change your spouse toward Christ likeness during the time you've known him or her praise and thank God for them and ask him for more of this growth in both of you so much more.

That's just a taste of what you'll find in the book by our guests today, couples having a devotional time together. But there are some of our listers right now you have a spouse who's not a believer.

What would you say to that person have to wait for an invitation to begin to serve and love and pray for another person carefully.

If your spouse is not a believer, you can do the devotional by yourself. Obviously it will be a different experience.

But nothing you don't even need to inform the other person. Hey, I'm trying to grow in our marriage so I hope you noticed a bad idea. One of the reasons I think that's called old women that they can buy their quiet and gentle spirit when their husbands without a word, because spiritual sermon nagging permit word for that sermon nagging is never going to bring anyone into the kingdom is to break resistance out with this kind of devotional if you flaunted if you cram it down somebody's throat is not ready for it. Not even have the reverse effect that you intend work on your own heart.

If the devotional helps you, then great, but if you spouse is it ready for that doesn't mean you can't first Peter three is very pointed in saying that if your husband is not obedient to the word you could win him without a word by your behavior by the by your attitude by your inner beauty, and so on. Pretty clear that Peter is actually warning the Christian spouse from trying to talk too much to their non-Christian spouse try to talk them into the kingdom of God are really being warned not to. If they are going to be one overage, despite your loving behavior. The beauty of your character. That's really quite important to work on it anyway. Were supposed to be Christlike.

Our character is supposed to be growing in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, in some ways the Christian spouse in a marriage with the non-Christian really only being asked to do what every Christian should be doing anyway.

But we gotta be careful to not to the nagging and not to the preaching, but just to the living sometimes given the individual.

This challenge if their spouse is not a Christian, let speak their love language unconditionally for six months without even talking about it and to see what perfectly right because we so desperately need. Love you know I start getting over the right language there open to that idea or request, let's let's say the couple that both are Christians want to maybe further down the road than the other and by suggesting I just heard about this devotional. What we start doing this in the new year and the other spouses don't know don't feel real comfortable with that. You know, would you say the same thing to that spouse or something different similar. Both believers and anyone trying to recruit something and not sure about like teach Sunday school are any role that even in the secular world is thinking it a try.

Let's try for six weeks or for one week and see what you think it may be that their fears are based on mistaken idea of what this is going to entail and having one week or a couple of weeks experience will really reassure them that it's not something beyond their capabilities or even even less than that you could actually just say could you do three with me and then after that if you don't wonder anymore I will say a word because three sounds less than a week and one is almost too little. You never know. One just might be awkward or you may not. You may not hit a particular topic that really connects with both of your most most men will do three. Sometimes the wife don't ever read a book on marriage. If you read the first chapter tells you what to tell you what he thinks about it the least laden reader. Second chapters are assuming you found is true that often the wife is further ahead. Further along the road and growing in her relationship with Christ that is the husband is more verbal about it than the husband first will have have you found that to be true in your relationship and then what would you say to that wife who is further along in terms of how she responds to answering your question one is generally speaking, in most churches is more women than men, and therefore you are in general going to find more women Christian women married non-Christian men than the other way around. Yes, I did some research that showed that interestingly doctors and Muslims. Men are more likely than women to go to worship regularly interesting words more more muscle you can find it online somewhere Muslim men are more likely than women to say I get to the mosque every week always been true from the very beginning that more women than men were Christians and churches and so in general I that's the reason why think first Peter you actually have a case okay if you're if you're a believer and you are believer. How should you treat because I was more common.

Nevertheless, I even think Kathy might want to speak to. This is probably true that even when both are believers wife very often as may be more willing to read books and want to talk more about fair share things that people don't know about marriages that were supposed to be discipling one another from the gifts that come with our specific roles in the marriage and I don't think is any question that people agree that women are more verbal and more emotionally expressive men can be less in touch with their feelings than not is verbal about the ones they are in touch with great promise in a marriage where you can help one another well in those areas in which you are not naturally gifted and therefore you can become a more multidimensional person so women for women being more of a majority in the church is we are all going to be Christ's bride. And so to to Jesus we are all submissive where all in a posture of obedience and words. I will be done, not my will be done may come more naturally to women in is something we have to help our brothers are husbands or sons, all the men in our lives understand how that works because we have a ringside seat on doing that in our daily lives. So you know, let me help you brother.

Figure out how you do that Jesus is another roadblock that couples will often cite the devotional time, ones were too busy just like up over time we can get them to bed before 10 o'clock go to work without sleep we would fall asleep.

We try to have devotions you speak to the couple because we been that we had kids to speak to the couple. Kathy spoke to this some years ago. She confronted me when we were actually pretty rough in our lives number ways and she gave the example. An example was if a doctor told you you have a disease and you dive it unless you take this medication if you take this medication every day at 9 PM. You will live. But if you forget to take at 9 PM. You'll be dead by the morning. Would you ever forget to take the pill, and I at me and I was hurt that was illustration to me and I remember thinking? No she says well you know what if we don't pray together with to make it.

You can see the penny dropped when I said anything. I really think is absolutely necessary.

I do You know where was find time to find things wonder that we find time to do the things that we know we have to do.

We can't win the lives we want and that's where the penny dropped and I said if I believe that some I do intellectually that we need to pray together though. I will never, never fail just like the pill, and that's really when we turn the corner mainly in me that I said yes I have to put my money where your mouth is. I got I got out my life where my belief is naturally made a change to call a timeout like you because I just would you say something to tell her that when we are going through a rough patch and it's so refreshing to hear a couple is been together will be 45 years coming up. It's so refreshing to hear people say, yet we had some big struggle for you look back at this year were these 10 years or what whatever it is, there are there are many people still the church you are believing that lives that we talked about earlier that its most all be roses and cotton candy, and you have no problems.

There's no problem patch, but Kathy, you're saying yeah we went through some deep water but it help bring us together. On the other side of that right and more than 100 different issues that were overworking the plan of the church. There were issues with our kids and how we were raising them and how they were behaving. I was really think for a decade in and out of hospitals and Tim thought about giving up the ministry rough patches of different sizes and shapes and nobody can expect their life to be without them married or not. If you think avoiding marriage or being married to a different person is going to somehow give you a smooth road on just now at all thinking correctly. One of the other subjects that you deal with the book is that marriage is a covenant as opposed to a contract.

Why is that understanding so important comes to marriage is important because it's a billable term and it's a little term for we can't just say well that's comes back then, but today we talk the contract or contract as you hand is not the word covenant is really something we actually don't have a modern setting for so you have to explain it is this what I would ordinarily do a covenant is much more intimate and filled with love and relationship contract but is much more binding and solemn and ordinary friendship in friendship. You basically it's like it's come to consumerist. That is we like each other. We we really have fun together as long as we both are having fun together. We we hang out together and meet each other's needs will have any obligation to stick with each other, especially one person is going through hard times. So it's a friendship without a binding agreement. On the other hand, the contract is a binding agreement be legal and not personal.

So a covenant is more intimate and filled with love and the contract more binding and solemn than a mere friendship and therefore it's a fascinating and amazing combination of law and love is a combination of long life that makes the bond stronger because so intimate and makes the intimacy stronger because it's so bonded will have anything quite like it Russia between wife is a covenant between parents and children are actually a covenant. Even if the child never took about anything like that and so covenant is a really important it's a nonconsumer inch-thick permanent relationship filled with love, but also faithfulness where the contract is to do your part of them apart. You make me happy and like you yeah yeah contract by itself is also consumerist not doing your part. Some out just like friendship can be but the marriage covenant is really different to the question that Andrew just ask. Will this devotional improve your sex life. What you think that the reason they think because you can't have early early days and have good sex.

If your bed is still full of baggage and baggage meaning as a metaphorical term with all the issues that you haven't actually all in your marriage if you are methodically going through a devotional, or any kind of book really have to be devotional methodically looking at the issues that cause the uneasiness or trouble you're married things that you routinely fight about and repenting for them or solving them or bringing them to God together that baggage is going to start disappearing from your bed and gracious I need better me not in any mechanistic way, but in the fact that you will have more love for each other. More tenderness for each other more understanding of each other. We leave you your understanding of love languages since day one.

But even when we were being counseled five premarital counseling with RC scroll we heard about love languages. He told a great story. Love language was expensive extravagant gifts for his birthday. He was hoping for a new set of golf clubs and his practical wife Esther given six white shirts so they gave her because extravagant gifts and play because what you really want the washing machine so others love languages is something you can only deal with some patients and studying communication and so if you doing that this is a long way around the barn life will get better communication with yet, except for the occasion where there are some logical problem with sex. Generally speaking your sex life is extension of all the other party or merits of the Exciting locations.

Gregor French is great at doing everything else right your sex life comes along with it. Course devotional improve your marriage a crystal improve your sex life is in the book marriage is friendship with a mission what you mean by that. I felt newlywed couple that until they really get into the nitty-gritty childrearing or career or into the lead of their lives really, really long. If not, until the issues and the problems start coming up that you start to really solve and go to God and become stronger as individuals and as a marriage so is friendship. Maybe it's ground-floor or its subbasement foundation, but you have to think about what is God calling you as a married couple to do and be. You couldn't have done as individuals. I don't really think God calls well. I know that God doesn't cause the opposite direction. I feel called to be a missionary invasion about interesting I feel called to be working with the homeless in New York City well see them will write you now that anything happened on quality together into a mission. Sometimes being Indonesian sometimes, but he does call you together in a way that can't when you're single. He can call you well to light often told singles that they're like little sports cars that can go turn on a dime, where the family is more like lettuce 18 wheelers. It takes three blocks to make a left turn. They should take about a single bit you have a calling from God in your marriage but I would just add that another part of friendship with a mission. Ordinary friendship tends to be just individuals who support each other on their way to their different mission so I might be a minister friend who's a physician and were really good friends and we get together but we really support each other as he is doing is calling us are going to Mr. support each other and it Is not only saying that the difference in marriages besides affect your best friend looking for a joint mission together.

How does God use us in the world but you also have a mission of bringing the other person into being into Christ likeness that you also have the mission of saying I want to do everything I possibly can to help God toward be a vehicle for God to make you personally see God making you so that someday were to stand before the throne were to look at each other.

The site I knew you could be like this and I was astoundingly joyful because I know I was part of the way in which God brought you to become the person he mentioned to me this is been an exciting discussion and I think this devotional book that you are releasing here the end of the year to be a wonderful guide for couples who have not had this kind of relational regular use another devotional book this very thank you for being with us today.

Thank you for what you have done what you are doing for the kingdom. I still perceive the honesty of the openness of Kathy Keller go to the website.

Five love languages.com you find out about her future resource.

This is a great way to start 2020 together meaning of marriage couples devotional five love languages.com next week. Our final opportunity to open the phone. It's our year-end dear Gary broadcast coming for me, let me thank our production team.Building Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman's radio nation with the publisher. Ministry of Moody Bible and thanks for listening